GBTO: NHL WEEK ONE HIGHLIGHTS

The Onion presents: NHL Week One Highlights.

* Dead-set on protecting his 15-year, $67.5 million investment in goaltender Rick DiPietro, Islanders GM Garth Snow puts him on the bench where he won't be hit by flying pucks

* A 13-round shootout between New York and Philadelphia ends when Rangers' left wing Marcel Hossa wins an exciting, exhilarating coin toss

God Bless the Onion!