LOW DEFINITION MADNESS?

WCBS actually replied to my request and sent me the primary games that they will be showing in New York on Thursday and Friday. Here it is:

THURSDAY, MARCH 15
12:00 p.m. -- Boston College (7) vs. Texas Tech (10)
2:45 p.m. -- Georgetown (2) vs. Belmont (12)

7:00 p.m. -- Duke (6) vs. Virginia Commonwealth University (11)
9:45 p.m. -- Indiana (7) vs. Gonzaga (10)

FRIDAY, MARCH 16
12:00 p.m. -- UNLV (7) vs. Georgia Tech (10)
2:35 p.m. -- Notre Dame (6) vs. Winthrop (11)

7:00 p.m. -- Kansas (1) vs. Niagra (16)
9:30 p.m. -- Kentucky (8) vs. Villanova (9)

At least Villanova will be on, but they dissed Albany as the first game on Friday. But the worst choice: they chose Duke! Why? Who gives a crap about Duke? As long as you're already ignoring local interest (C-Conn getting crushedf), why not show Michigan State vs. Marquette? I still haven't decided if I'm going to the Sports Page on Friday for the Mega March Madness, but I think I might have to.

Of course, the bigger story (to me) is that although CBS is broadcasting every game in HD, most of the local affiliates are NOT showing the local games in their entirety in HD! That's right! Instead, they are showing the national HD "flex feed", which interrupts games midstream according to the action. This sucks for several reasons. One: I will no longer get multiple games like I did last year (one in SD on Channel 2, and another in HD on 702). Two: some of the local stations, in order to get a constant feed of a game of local interest, will be upconverting to SD for their HD channels. Even the Mega March Madness package on DirecTV only allocated 4 HD channels for the tournament. CBS claims that "every game" will be in HD. Yeah, only if you're in the CBS control room! What a joke.

(Oh, and can everyone stop calling last night's 'play-in' game the first game of the tournament? That's bullshit. And why is it in Dayton every year? Someone please explain this.)

2007 NCAA TOURNEY SCHEDULE

Here's the schedule for the first round of the 2007 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament!

THU 3/15
12:20 PM	13 Davidson Wildcats (29-4)	4 Maryland Terrapins (24-8)
12:25 PM	10 Texas Tech Red Raiders (21-12)	7 Boston College Eagles (20-11)
12:40 PM	11 Stanford Cardinal (18-12)	6 Louisville Cardinals (23-9)
2:40 PM	14 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles (23-10)	3 Washington State Cougars (25-7)
2:40 PM	12 Old Dominion Monarchs (24-8)	5 Butler Bulldogs (27-6)
2:45 PM	15 Belmont Bruins (23-9)	2 Georgetown Hoyas (26-6)
3:00 PM	14 Pennsylvania Quakers (22-8)	3 Texas A&M Aggies (25-6)
5:00 PM	11 George Washington Colonials (23-8)	6 Vanderbilt Commodores (20-11)
6:10 PM	11 Virginia Commonwealth Rams (27-6)	6 Duke Blue Devils (22-10)
7:10 PM	16 Central Connecticut State Blue Devils (22-11)	1 Ohio State Buckeyes (30-3)
7:20 PM	9 Michigan State Spartans (22-11)	8 Marquette Golden Eagles (24-9)
7:25 PM	15 Weber State Wildcats (20-11)	2 UCLA Bruins (26-5)
9:30 PM	9 Xavier Musketeers (24-8)	8 Brigham Young Cougars (25-8)
9:30 PM	14 Wright State Raiders (23-9)	3 Pittsburgh Panthers (27-7)
9:40 PM	16 Eastern Kentucky Colonels (21-11)	1 North Carolina Tarheels (28-6)
9:45 PM	10 Gonzaga Bulldogs (23-10)	7 Indiana Hoosiers (20-10)
FRI 3/16
12:15 PM	13 Albany Great Danes (23-9)	4 Virginia Cavaliers (20-10)
12:25 PM	10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (20-11)	7 UNLV Runnin' Rebels (28-6)
12:30 PM	15 North Texas Mean Green (23-10)	2 Memphis Tigers (30-3)
1:50 PM	10 Creighton Bluejays (22-10)	7 Nevada Wolf Pack (28-4)
2:35 PM	11 Winthrop Eagles (28-4)	6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (24-7)
2:35 PM	12 Long Beach State 49ers (24-7)	5 Tennessee Volunteers (22-10)
2:45 PM	15 Texas A&M-Corpus Christi Islanders (26-6)	2 Wisconsin Badgers (29-5)
4:55 PM	14 Miami-Ohio Redhawks (18-14)	3 Oregon Ducks (26-7)
6:20 PM	9 Purdue Boilermakers (21-11)	8 Arizona Wildcats (20-10)
6:25 PM	13 New Mexico State Aggies (25-8)	4 Texas Longhorns (24-9)
7:10 PM	16 Niagara Purple Eagles (22-11)	1 Kansas Jayhawks (30-4)
7:10 PM	12 Illinois Fighting Illini (23-11)	5 Virginia Tech Hokies (21-11)
8:30 PM	13 Holy Cross Crusaders (25-8)	4 Southern Illinois Salukis (27-6)
8:40 PM	16 Jackson State Tigers (21-13)	1 Florida Gators (29-5)
9:30 PM	9 Villanova Wildcats (22-10)	8 Kentucky Wildcats (21-11)
9:45 PM	12 Arkansas Razorbacks (21-13)	5 USC Trojans (23-11)

Why are there so many East Coast schools playing late games (Villanova, Holy Cross, Kentucky, Florida, Pitt, NC)? And who put Stanford on at 9 AM on the West Coast?

The Monday after Selection Sunday has officially become "Bracket Bitching Day". I just heard Jim Boeheim whining on ESPN Radio (he was also on WFAN, and god knows where else), saying that he doesn't understand why they didn't get a bid. He was defending all of Syracuse's non-conference home games, saying "Football doesn't make as much money as it used to, so we schedule home games to generate more revenue." Exactly. They chose money over decent competition. That's why you're not in the NCAA tourney, and you're in the NIT (who didn't even give you a #1 seed)! You're not making any new fans by complaining to every major media outlet, you asshat. You'd probably lose in the first round anyway.

If Villanova didn't make it, I would have said that they should have won more games. Period. But let's face it: if there was a clear cut criteria for getting into the tournament, sports talk radio would have nothing to bitch about. How about you talk about the matchups instead, you assclowns? (Since I'm an alumni I might be a little biased, but Villanova being a #9 means that they consider #4 Southern Illinois, #5 USC, #5 Butler, and #7 BC to be significantly better teams--I'm not seeing it. They should have gotten a #7.)

By all accounts, K-State's Bob Huggins was drunk when they asked him on ESPN about not being selected. They thought he said "we don't have enough wins", but he actually said, "we don't have enough gin". Now THAT'S the way to go out.

Duke could easily lose to the Rams of Virginia Commonwealth University, but we'd still have to watch all those Coach K AmEx commercials, so it'd be like he never left. Central Connecticut are also the Blue Devils, which doesn't bode well for them.

For those who make their picks by nicknames, in 2007 the Wildcats lead the way with 5 (Arizona, Davidson, Kentucky, Villanova, Weber State), followed by 2 Bruins, (Belmont, UCLA), 2 Bulldogs (Butler, Gonzaga), 2 Golden Eagles (Marquette, Oral Rob), 2 (regular) Eagles (BC, Winthrop), 1 Purple Eagles (Niagara), 2 Tigers (Jackson State, Memphis), 2 Cougars (BYU, Washington State), and 2 Blue Devils (CCSU, Duke), and only 1 Mean Green (N. Texas). We also have the Cardinal playing the Cardinals, and the Wildcats playing the Wildcats, which will lead to some confusing cheers.

How did Texas A&M Community College get in there? (Oh, that stands for Corpus Christi. Never mind.)

Apparently, the NCAA went back to naming the regions "Midwest", "East", "West" and "South", without telling anyone ahead of time. That's annoying for the graphic designers on all the major sports websites who designed their brackets with the city names on it instead.

What is the point of the local news break at around 6 PM during the first round of the NCAA tourney? Maybe to give you time to get some dinner, take a shit, walk the dog, or make a beer run? Does anyone seriously give a crap about the news at that point?

Ohio State and Florida could play each other for the national championship, just like they did in football. Has that ever happened in the same school year? Have we asked this question before? I think we have, and decided it probably hasn't.

BTW, I've got my VIP pass and I'm looking forward to the March Madness Online, since they upgraded my work computer with WMP 9.0. It had better work or I am tearing into IT on Thursday . . .

SALSA & SELTZER & SHAMROCK SHAKES

(I just realized that "salsa & seltzer" were on my shopping list. Please, Jerry Seinfeld, don't sue me.)

It's SHAMROCK SHAKE TIME! I haven't been to a McD's in about 3 years but I'm pretty sure they still have these. Or do they? You may not know this, but the McDonald's character Grimace is thought to represent their shakes, though he's not a "shake-based creature" (God bless you for your gleeful inanity, Wikipedia!). A few words about Grimace: he's actually known as "Shaky" in Brazil, and his Irish relative is named Uncle O'Grimacy (see photo).

I've heard someone say that saying St. "Patty's" Day is offensive, and that you should say "St. Patrick's Day" instead. And some people are annoyed by the decorations featuring leprechauns carrying mugs of beer, saying that they are "unfair stereotypes". Are we kidding? How did everyone get so whiny and sensitive about everything?

VIACOM is suing GooTube for $1 billion. Wait, isn't there an MTV channel on Google? So what's the difference? Stupid douchebags. In a related story I'm announcing that I will be suing VIACOM for 100 billion dollars in damages, just because. I'd have no need for them if it weren't for "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report". It seems that whole sections of the population now are self-appointed PC policemen, who seem to exist just to blow the whistle on who said the word "faggot", "nigger", "vagina" or whatever word is offensive this month. How did this country turn into a bunch of whiny tattletale assholes? And I've never been a Patti Smith fan, but I admire her for singing "Rock and Roll Nigger" as her final song after her Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction; I'm sure a few people got their panties in a bunch over that song selection. (Oh, and the original four members of R.E.M. performing "Gardening At Night" last night really took me back.)

Between heckling A-Rod incessantly for "only" driving in 120 runs, booing Beltran on opening day, and chanting "SHOOT THE PUCK" on the Rangers power play, I'm beginning to think New York fans are irritating, arrogant pricks. Just a thought.

Does Old Spice make a "LOW ENDURANCE" deodorant? Because I don't know what they think I can withstand, but I don't think I'm ready for a HIGH ENDURANCE PACIFIC SURGE. In fact, the whole Pacific coastline is incerdibly vulnerable in the case of a tsunami, so why would they even name their product something so horrible?

MADDENING MARCH MAYHEM (2007 EDITION)!

The bracketologizing is over and the bracketologists have been put back in storage, as the official 2007 NCAA brackets have been set (reminder: gambling on the tourney is illegal). As usual, I just have a few thoughts:

It's obvious that the selection committee is more interested in greasing the palms of the big conference schools than putting smaller George Mason types in the Big Dance. This year, only 6 bids went to "mid-majors", and this number has gone steadily down since peaking at 12 in 2002. This is a shame, but that's show biz.

The #1 seeds, Florida, NC, Kansas and Ohio State are all inherently beatable. In fact, the most of the #3 seeds scare me more (Pitt, Oregon, Texas A&M).

No one is saying it, but I feel that Villanova got JOBBED by being stuck in the unforgiving 8/9 game as the #9 seed against #8 Kenutcky (I think the Wildcats are going to win!). But then I see #1 Kansas in the next round, who always foul up my bracket every year making heroes out of schools like Bradley and Bucknell. So I get to test my "Kansas Kills Your Bracket" theory once again, this time with Nova in the catbird seat. Awesome.

Of course, it's nice that Nova got in at all, since only 6 made it from the Big East. Everyone is crying around here about Syracuse getting snubbed, but I don't think their resume is that good. They played 14 of their first 15 games at home (the other was in Buffalo vs. Canisius), their RPI was 50 (below Virginia Commonwealth and Holy Cross), and Boeheim is a whiny asshole. Let's face it: Nova, Cuse and WVU were all about the same, and Nova beat Texas. So there.

Marquette (23-9, 10-6) was ranked #18 in the country before this week (they lost to Pitt in the Big East tourney), with an RPI of 24 and a SOS of 17, with wins @ Duke, @ Pitt, Texas Tech, and 4 point loss to Wisconsin . . . and they only got an #8 seed. Meanwhile, I couldn't even find USC on the RPI list (54) and they somehow garnered a #5 seed. What a screw job.

Speaking of the PAC 10, they somehow got 6 teams in there and I haven't really seen any of them play, except a little of UCLA. #3 Washington State and #3 Oregon scare me because I don't know if they're really that good. But put Syracuse and West Virginia up against Stanford and USC, and I bet the Big East teams win those games 4 times out of 5 times.

For some reason the selection committee also loves the Big 10, who also got 6 teams. Come on. Purdue, Indiana and Illinois all stink, and Michigan State was 8-8 in the conference. Sure, any one of them can beat Niagara, but give me a break.

Teams that are overrated: Wisconsin (#2), Memphis (#2), Duke (#6).

Teams that could surprise: Tennessee (#5), Creighton (#10).

Teams that I have no idea about: UNLV (#7). They have an RPI of 10 and 25 wins, and I think one of them was at Hawaii. And Washington State, with an RPI of 26, is a #3 seed? Really?

Team that can't fucking lose enough for me: Georgetown. Stop it with these lesser John Thompsons and Patrick Ewingses, you can't fool me.

Team that I wished made the dance: Kansas State, led by Bob "Huggy Bear" Huggins. He was wearing a black and purple ensemble the other night that made him look not unlike a blackjack dealer, and I heard he was drunk during his ESPN interview after they got snubbed. I miss Huggy Bear.

Team that I'm glad missed the dance: UConn, who didn't even make the NIT. It was nice of them to give Central Connecticut their time in the spotlight.

Best team name: North Texas Mean Green.

College name that always makes me giggle: Oral Roberts.

Potentially enjoyable matchups: Virginia and Albany, I really hope the Great Danes can pull this one off; Butler vs. Old Dominion, (two mid-majors playing each other is idiotic); Southern Illinois Salukis vs. Holy Cross Crusaders, leading to a Nova/HC Sweet 16 matchup: it's what God would have wanted.

Another great thing about the tourney: now I don't have to watch ESPN at all. Go choke on a Dick, Vitale.

Anyway, I can't wait for the tourney to begin, even though I suck at the bracket pool (9 out of 11 in 2006, woo hoo!). NCAA First Round Friday, which I take off every year, is one of the best days of the year. I think it's even better than St. Patrick's Day.

EDIT: I just found out Villanova plays Kentucky @ 9:30 PM on Friday. Man, that's going to be a long day. Of course, Holy Cross plays @ 8:30 that same night, so I don't know if we'll even get to see both.

WRIST SHOTS: YOUR STICK IS NOT A WEAPON

QUICK NOTES about the NHL . . .

The Rangers/Islanders home-and-home this week was pretty enteraining. Monday's contest was a barnburner, with a total of 87 shots on goal between the two teams, including Rick DiPietro making an Islanders record 56 saves in the Rangers 2-1 shootout win. There was one sequence with about 14 minutes left in the 3rd where the Rangers were peppering DiPi with shot after shot after shot, and the Isles looked like the Barr Flys desperately trying to clear the puck, and failing--it was phenomenal hockey. (Of course, it was broadcast on the crappy-looking non-HD Versus, although we got Doc Emrick calling it as a bonus.)

However, last night's game on the Island ended ugly. It's not going to be in the NHL.com "highlight machine" (sorry Kris 'The Biggest Sabres Fan In France' Salo) but that Chris Simon hit on Hollweg last night was disgusting: he basically crosschecked him across the chin with his stick. I'm surprised, because he's a tough player but not a dirty one (same could have been said for Bertuzzi). I'm actually glad the Rangers responded by scoring the winning goal on the ensuing power play, but that penalty was just plain stupid. Along with the Devils' Cam Janssen "finishing his check" against Kaberle, this crap has to stop. It's not hockey, it's garbage. (BTW, the 8th place Rangers can thank me for saying they were DONE back on 2/21.)

As for players NOT USING THE STICK AS A WEAPON, Henrik saved the day for the Rangers by swatting away an Isles shot in the final minute. To me, the puck looked like it was across the line, but of course, the officials don't get to see it blown up and in high definition like the home viewers (why, I'll never know). Not only that, but the officials (along with the "home office" in Toronto) spent about 20 minutes reviewing this, and in the one camera angle that could help, the one from above the goal, there was a WATER BOTTLE IN THE WAY. Are you kidding? I think it's time the NHL went to the Food Network (check out this hilarious Onion article), even the Iron Chef has a better replay system. "Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking live at a sold out Kitchen Stadium for the game featuring the Detroit Frank's RedHot Wings and the New Jersey Devil Dogs . . . "

Speaking of the Devils, they're in the #2 spot in the East, only 3 points behind the Rochester Americans--uhm Buffalo Sabres, whom they play tomorrow night. They've looked a bit shaky lately (giving up 5 goals to Philly, losing to Toronto, "winning" in a shootout last night @ PIT despite a game-tying giveaway with 3 minutes left), and I think this is a game where they get ambushed. For some reason I'm seeing a 5-1 Sabres win at the Crossroads Aud Marine Midland HSBC Arena.

This one came out of nowhere: the Pittsburgh Penguins are actually considering going to Las Vegas? This may just be a negotiation tactic, but if they actually relocated there it would be a complete joke. Of course, I can easily see it happening because this follows the old Bettman logic: don't bother putting a team where there are hockey fans, put it where the money is. Short term it will be an interesting novelty, but in the long term it will be a disaster. The perfect sport to move there would be the NBA, because just like Vegas it's flashy, loud, and has no substance.

With the playoff races heating up, I realize that without ESPN carrying the NHL that I barely get to see any of these Western Conference teams play. Back in the day I would tune into the odd midweek or Sunday night game featuring San Jose, Colorado, Vancouver, or Calgary, and now I realize that I haven't seen these teams play ONE GAME all season. Despite the fact that the NHL is dying for viewers, they continue to make the NHL Center Ice package is a huge ripoff. It's currently $119, which is not much of a bargain, considering 80% of the season is over and the full season price is $169. There's also no way to find out how many of these games will be in HD, and cable subscribers don't get HD games AT ALL. And what happened with NBC showing games on the weekend? So far, I've seen maybe 3, and last week's was in SD. Ugh.

One last note: everyone please stop saying "Luongo gets team record 39th win" and "Marty with another 40 win season". Because there are no ties in the NHL anymore, THESE MILESTONES ARE NOW MEANINGLESS! They give out a win for every game, so these records are not important, and neither are team point totals. Thanks.

In closing, in Bettman's NHL it's all about MARKETING, and this may be the best NHL related product I've come across lately. I don't think I can get it shipped to me in time for St. Patrick's Day, though. the NHL SHAMROCK FLASK!

YOUR SCI-FI FUTURE TIMELINE

Not only does science fiction entertain us, it informs us.

It all started with 1902's Le Voyage dans la lune (Trip To The Moon), a 14 minute black & white silent film that sagely predicted our setting foot on the Earth's lone rocky satellite. Not only was this 67 years ahead of time, it was stunningly accurate; from the beautiful women on the launch pad to the Moon inhabitants who would explode by the mere touch of an umbrella. Since then, author George Orwell predicted Big Brother (a crappy reality show now exists by that name) in his futuristic Nineteen Eighty-Four, featuring a bleak, totalitarian government highlighted by "Thought-Crimes", sexual repression, and blind nationalism--which is known today as "The Reagan Years".

So what does the future hold? Why, we only need look at the future timeline according to sci-fi! (I included the first three to show you just how scary accurate sci-fi can be.)

1999 - Due to his winning an Academy Award for his portrayal as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood, 5 years later Martin Landau is trusted to run Moonbase Alpha. When the Moon is knocked out of orbit by a nuclear explosion, his movie career subsequently suffers.

2000 - Smellevision replaces television.

2001 - During the first manned space flight to Jupiter, glitches in the advanced HAL 9000 software causes massive system failure. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, responsible for glitches in Windows 2000 software, denies involvement during the odyssey.

2010 - In "The Year We Make Contact", somehow the Russians, who can't produce a working toaster, have developed the fastest spaceship known to man. HAL 9000 returns in an upgraded form ($199 with proof of ownership of any of the previous HAL versions) as HAL 9000 Service Pack 2.

2015 - Before heeding Huey Lewis' advice and going "Back In Time", Marty McFly discovers that the hoverboard is all the rage in Hill Valley, a Pepsi costs $50, and the Chicago Cubs finally win the World Series.

2019 - A bleak, dreary Los Angeles becomes overrun with rogue replicants, genetically manufactured humanoids initially created for slave labor in the "off-world" colonies, who rebel to survive in the brutal dystopian world of show business.

2032 - After a massive earthquake hits California in 2010, the utopic megalopolis of San Angeles is created from the ruins of San Diego, Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. In this soul-crushingly cheery society, Sly Stallone and Wesley Snipes are mistaken for action movie stars, and Denis Leary is forced to take his ranting comedy stylings underground.

2084 - Former California Governor Schwarzenegger discovers mutants on a Mars colony including Sharon Stone who, despite being 126 years old, still looks like she's in her 30s. Oh, the horror.

2200 - Quantum mechanics are among those that visit the Forbidden Planet, where Leslie Nielsen finds an even more forbidden 19 year old hot chick.

2540 - It is a Brave New World, in which poverty and warfare are eliminated, and everyone lives in a happy, hedonistic society filled with rampant sex and drug use. Too bad I won't be around for this one, because it sounds fantastic. The first guy that calls this "dystopian" is getting punched in the face.

3000 - In the not-too-distant future, conflicts between the upper management of the Gizmonic Institute and employee Joel Robinson result in his being relocated to a satellite in geosynchronous orbit. During his tenure aboard the "Satellite of Love", psychological tests were performed to monitor his reactions to substandard motion pictures; the creative and witty Mr. Robinson built robotic cohabitants to keep him company before escaping 6 years later.

I should repeat to myself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax." If only I could.

IMDB: INTERNET MONKEY DATABASE

Dunston Checks In, which "stars" Jason Alexander, Faye Dunaway, Rupert Everett, and uh, Pee Wee Herman was on STARZ last night. I'm so glad I have those 25 Starz/Encore movie channels, it offers so many excellent viewing choices. Oh, and thank you Jebus for IMDB, who helpfully points out the "goofs" in the movie:

• Continuity: The bandage on Dunston's hand.
• Continuity: The cake on Mrs. Dubrow's gown changes between shots.
• Audio/visual unsynchronized: When Lionel gets his glasses off the cucumber woman's chest he is holding the end of them. When the camera changes he is not touching the glasses at all. When it goes back to the first camera he is touching them again.
• Continuity: When Dunston goes into the spa and takes the cucumber off of the woman's face, it remains missing. But when Mr. Grant comes in, the cucumber is back on her face.

So you're saying the makers of a movie starring an orangutan were lazy? What about a monkey going into a spa, no one has a problem with that? And also thanks for the monkey keyword search, it's going to save me loads of time while looking for monkey movies in Blockbuster. Of course, DCI (as it is known on the 'net') was far superior to that other monkey movie starring an NBC sitcom star that was released in 1996:

"Minor league. Major friendship." You can't beat that. I don't remember the plot too well but I think the signature pitch that he threw was the "feces ball". (Even harder to hit than the 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'.) LeBlanc's agent probably said, "Well, you have a couple of weeks off between filming episodes of Friends, how about we bang out a monkey movie? They said they'll pay cash."

THANKING THE ORGAN-EYE-ZA-TION

I put little clocks and counters up on the blog, just to remind you of the NCAA tourney and the Masters (like I'd overlook those without this). Villanova made one step closer to a possible tournament bid as they got their 20th win tonight at UConn (who can never lose enough for me), thanks to Scottie Reynolds' 40 points, a Wildcat freshman record. I don't know where Jay Wright finds these kids, but I hope he continues (and doesn't have evil guys like Larry Brown lure him to the NBA). Anyway, I already signed up for my March Madness On Demand--can't wait for Selection Sunday!

As for hockey news, I heard on XM Home Ice a bit of Ryan Smith's interview when he left Edmonton. Apparently, there was a crowd of people seeing him off at the airport (!) and he was talking about how much he was going to miss the city and thanking the organ-EYE-za-tion and everyone he's ever met for their support. He was crying (damn soft Canadians!) like he was being shipped off to the front lines or something. WTF? Hey, cheer up, you're only going to Long Island! Oooh wait, he might have a point. Anyway, sounds like he's not too happy about leaving home, which does not bode well for the Islanders. Besides that, there's not much else to talk about trade-wise (Bertuzzi to Detroit, Zubrus to Sabres, Biron to Philly--yawn). Predictably, the Devils made no moves, and the Rangers didn't unload Captain Jagr (get ready for the "FIRE SATHER" chants again).

For Jeffuary, I did get to see a Devils game last Saturday (naturally, they looked sluggish in a 4-2 loss to the Caps), probably the last one I'll see in the Continetnal Airlines Arena. With regards to the new Newark arena (WELCOME TO THE ROCK), and there's simply no easy way to get to a game from Rockland via train, and I'm certainly not driving down there. I know they're banking on corporate types to fill the new place, but I don't see regular middle-class families making the move. Maybe I'm wrong, but we'll see.

THINGS I LIKE: DONNYBROOKS!

I only heard about this (while watching the decidedly more sedate Devils @ Rangers game), this is the first clip I've seen. Last night, the Senators visited the Sabres and they ended up getting into a brawl (the 6-5 shootout win by the Sabres was an afterthought). Here's a clip (thanks to hockeyfights.com):



I'm not a big fan of hockey fights, but you have to love it when the goalies get into it. I was really hoping Lindy Ruff was going to get into fisticuffs with Sens coach Bryan Murray, who was pissed that he sent out his goons. This whole thing started because Chris Drury, who has a history of concussions, was hit pretty late, which you never like to see. The Sabres have so many injuries right now (something like 6 starters out), so this can't be good.

But yes, these teams genuinely dislike each other.

Here's some Bfloblog recaps. And here's the penalty summary:

05:13 OTT Chris Phillips penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Patrick Kaleta penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 OTT Anton Volchenkov penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Martin Biron penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Martin Biron penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Martin Biron penalty Goalie leaving crease. - 2 min.
05:13 BUF Adam Mair penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Adam Mair penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Adam Mair penalty Instigator - 2 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Instigator - 2 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Roughing - 2 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Goalie leaving crease. - 2 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Fighting - 5 min.

APROPOS OF NOTHING

I decided to post some random stuff today, just because I can.

• I don't pay attention to gossip nonsense. In fact, I can't fucking stand it and wish the gossip "industry" would go away. So anyway, I guess Howard Stern announced he was marrying Anna Nicole, but she died in a head shaving accident, or something?

• While driving around the picturesque "Loop" at Newark Liberty International Airport on Friday night waiting for Kris to arrive, I wondered why the FAA code for this lovely airport is EWR. Why not something starting with N? Then I read this article, and it explains it all, and more. (The first letter 'N' was nabbed by the Navy, so all cities with that letter had to get creative.)

• For some reason, two crappy coaches landed NFL jobs this month: Wade Phillips with Dallas (lifetime 48-39 as head coach, 0-3 in playoffs), and Norv Turner with San Diego (58-82-1, 1-1). After we just had two black coaches in the Super Bowl, was this just a knee-jerk reaction by GMs to hire more old, useless, lilly-white coaches? Because it couldn't be playoff success or a winning records that prompted these hirings.

• I used to shop at Stew Leonard's all the time when I lived in Danbury, CT. I went there the other day, and I couldn't believe how expensive most things were. And as always, most things you have to buy multiple units of just to get a discount. Was it always that much? Was I just lured there because of their singing milk cartons?

• XM and Sirius are talking about merging into one huge super satellite radio monolith. Of course, this means the Delphi radio I just bought in December (and the one I got for my sister) will be obsolete by the end of the year, or at least no longer as useful. Fantastic! Of course, any increases in programming choices will be offset by the fact that this will be a monopoly, and without competition they can charge whatever they want. What happened to anti-trust laws? Are they just a 20th century relic?

• Hudson House in Nyack, where we ate on Saturday, is fantastic. I can't recommend it enough. Plus, they treat us like we're regulars. I wish I could afford to go there more than once or twice a year.

• I've got news for the Democrats: middle America is not voting for a woman President, nor are they voting for a black man named "Barack Hussein Obama". (I've even been getting the mass forwarded emails that say "He's trying to hide the fact that he was raised a Muslim, let us all be alert"--cripes.) Everyone in the liberal cities and the media thinks these are fantastic candidates, that we're all enlightened, that we've come a long way in terms of racial and sexual prejudices--I call bullshit. These are novelty candidates, and quite possibly will divide the country even further, if that's possible. The Dems are going to blow this opportunity if they don't put an electable man out there. Edwards? Biden? Kucinich? Are you kidding? Never mind, they don't have one. Before long, the Republicans will start using that Grammy® Award winning song for 2008: This is ouuuuuuuuuuuur country! (BTW, I've lived in NY for 6 years and I still don't know one person who has voted for Senator Hillary.)

• I used to shop at Stew Leonard's all the time when I lived in Danbury, CT. I went there the other day, and I couldn't believe how expensive most things were. And as always, most things you have to buy multiple units of just to get a discount. Was it always that much? Was I just lured there because of their singing milk cartons?

• Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson looked like he had Winged-Foot-In-Mouth disease once again. Charles Howell III put some pressure on him late in the fourth round of the Nissan Open and he disintegrated like a muffin in the rain, losing on the 3rd playoff hole. Howell now has 4096520987 FedEx Cup points, or something.

• Instead of trying to find a way to score goals against the Devils last night, the Rangers decided to send Avery out there to interfere with Brodeur, to bump him and antagonize him the whole night. Guess what? They still lost 2-1. Way to go, guys. My blognostication: The Rangers are DONE. (Oh, the Parise goal to win the game was beautiful.)

• Worst movie that I've seen lately: The Benchwarmers. Even though I only watched 15 minutes of it, what I saw was incredibly, painfully, AGRESSIVELY unfunny. Who thought a movie with the star talent of David Spade, Rob Schneider, Jon Lovitz, Reggie Jackson, and Craig Kilborn could be so stupid? This is the quintessential scene: the aformentioned Mr. October is hired to train them to play baseball, and to increase their speed he has them "ring doorbells and run away" (of course). The character played by Jon Heder (who will never top Napoleon Dynamite) is so stupid that he doesn't run away, and instead jumps into a bush. The homeowner comes out screaming his head off (which is what I automatically do, regardless of who is at the door), but doesn't realize the jokester is in the bushes . . . until he farts and gives himself away. This is comedy at its finest, people.

• Rocky Balboa on steroids? Yeah, that about sums up sports right now.

BLIZZARD 007: LICENSE TO CHILL!

This massive snowstorm didn't quite pan out the way they thought it would. As of now, we have about 1" of ice pellets on the ground. Oh joy.

This is what I have to say to this stupid storm:

BORN ON THE 14TH OF FEBRUARY

It's a blessing and a curse to be born on Valentine's Day. If you don't have a valentine (like me), you can still celebrate your birthday, and also devour chocolate without a disapproving look. If you DO have a valentine, it's a double whammy because if she's worth her salt she'll get you two presents. And you can't go to dinner by yourself on Valentine's Day, because that's just sad, but you CAN drink your face off, which is good. Still, I can't tell you how many people point out the "holiday" to me when I tell them I was born on February 14th, as if I didn't know.

Here are a few notable people who were also born today February 14th.

Born in 1970 - same year as me:
Simon Pegg, writer/star of Shaun of the Dead. I still have yet to see this movie, but I hear it's funny.

Music: Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 (1972), Tim "Jeff's Dad Who Also Died Young" Buckley (1946). Yikes.

Sports: Jim Kelly (1960), Drew Bledsoe (1972) and Steve McNair (1973). I'm noticing a trend here: guys who are good players but can't win the big game. Hokcey players include NHL defenseman Richard Smehlik (1972) and Bernie 'Boom Boom' Geoffrion (1931).

Politics: current mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg (1942).

Entertainers: Florence Henderson (1934), Gregory Hines (1946), and Pat O'Brien (1948). Maybe Pat and I can get coked up and get some whores this weekend--unless he's still in rehab. The funniest guy on the list is Jackie 'The Jokeman' Martling (1948). Oh dear god.

And finally, Jimmy Hoffa turns 93 today. Happy Birthday, Jimmy! I hope you make it to 100.

I know my Feb 14th will be enjoyable, because I'm not going to be at work. Have a great one.

SNOW JOKE

I was going on my daily "wog" the other night, and goddammit it's been cold lately. Ever since that dumb Western Pennsylvanian rat didn't see his shadow and declared we'd have an early spring, it THE TEMPERATURE HASN'T BEEN ABOVE FREEZING. We might as well be on the ice planet Hoth, for cripes sake.

As I was walking and the frigid winter breeze was cutting through my skull like an icy dagger, I was wondering what the warmest hat would be: 1) an animal fur hat (preferably not rat), 2) a fleece ski cap, 3) one of those postal worker hats with the ear flaps. I don't know, but I'm going to have to go with the ratless hat. I'm not a big fan myself, but what's the big deal about fur coats? If the animal dies of natural causes, or gets hit by a truck, is it then okay to use the fur? (By the way, if you buy a coat that contains "faux fur" there's a chance that it's made with dog hair, possibly from losing Puppy Bowl contestants. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

In my opinion, all this cold weather isn't worth it unless there's some snow, and it looks as if it might come soon (maybe for my birthday). The people of Oswego County, NY, right along the eastern shore of Lake Ontario, don't want to hear the four letter "s" word: some towns got OVER 100" this week. And an area of Russia got ORANGE snow last week. So just 6-12" of the white stuff is not that bad after all.

WRIST SHOTS

It's that time of year, when football is over, baseball hasn't started yet, when HOCKEY takes center stage! Eh, who am I kidding? Here's what I've got.

• I might mention it too much, but after watching Marty's 10th shutout last night I have to announce that he's pretty good. He's having a tremendous year, even by his standards. Okay, I'm done.

• The perception out there is that Sidney Crosby is a crybaby, to the point that he's even been booed in the hockey mecca of Montreal. Fans think he and the coaching staff are complaining about opponents taking shots at him because he wants superstar treatment, but he's got a point. The fact is that he's hockey's Golden Boy and the league's highest scoring player, so he's naturally going to be a swiftly skating target. He's also more of a finesse player, unlike Ovechkin who is a bull-in-the-china-shop who can also dole out hits (some of them questionable). Perhaps he could use some protection out there, just like Gretzky had (what's Todd Bertuzzi up to?), but that's up to the GM who can't even get a stadium deal in his own city. Yeah, I hate to say this but maybe there is a place for enforcers in the league. But despite the fact that a record number of penalties are being called, I think a backlash is inevitable and games are going to start getting more chippy. The fact is that they can't call everything, and it might reach a breaking point and all hell breaks loose (or not, what do I know?). Regardless, great job embracing the best player to come around in a decade, hockey fans!

• Sabres fans are very loyal and emotional lot, and occasionally obnoxious when visiting other rinks. Kris "The Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo even thought the Madden goal against Ryan Miller that opened the flood gates in New Jersey's 3-2 win last week was akin to "cheating". Slow down there, Maestro. He never really had his glove on it, and you have to play to the whistle. Instead, Miller showed his inexperience by letting it bother him, and before you knew it the offensive juggernaut (not) that is the NJ Devils had 3 goals in 2:41. He's just a kid, but he has to learn to let it go and focus on the game.

• The Avs Karlis Skrastins is about to set the Iron Man record for defensemen by playing 487 consecutive games. That's amazing. I didn't realize that Tim "Bits" Horton held the previous record before being killed in a car accident.

• The Gary "Fucking" Bettman Death Watch has begun. His contract is up in 2008, so I think it's time to cut the cord and start fresh. Who would be a worthy successor? How about anyone who actually knows hockey? No, not some businessman from Texas. This is a pretty good evaluation of Bettman's Reign of Error as NHL commish. Overall, not good.

• I like John Buccigross, but the NHL DOES NOT NEED BIGGER NETS. Please stop saying this crap.

• It's interesting that Peter Forsberg's foot suddenly feels great and he's scoring again (8 points in his last 6 games), just in time to be traded to a Stanley Cup contender. He's complained all year about not being able to find a comfortable skate. Are you kidding? In the entire world, no one could custom make a skate that fit his ailing foot? What a joke. Hockey's toughest bastard, my ass!

• What happened to the New York Rangers? Are they who we thought they were? Was last year's playoff appearance just a fluke? They sputtered to the finish last year, and are struggling even earlier this time around. All I know is that it's going to take more than Avery and Krog to right the ship. Although they finally dumped KasperMINUS, which is a start.

• Ottawa is making a push for the playoffs, just in time to lose in the first round. Sabres: be very afraid if you meet Carolina in the first round.

• I had an ephiphury the other day: Chris Gratton, Todd Bertuzzi and Eddie Belfour are still in the NHL? They're on the Florida Panthers? Who knew? Is that where hockey players go to retire? Can we get rid of the Florida teams already? No one supports them, and I'm not buying this whole "Hockey Bay" nonsense in Tampa.

• When you comment on an article on ESPN, it directs you to ESPN Conversation (whatever the hell that is) which has a filter that automatically removes objectionable words, and replaces it with "####" in your post. All the obvious dirty words are censored, but it gets a little weird after that. For instance, an NBA player that no one has ever heard of announced he's gay, which would come up in a post as "Amaechi is ####". So what about former UConn player Rudy ####? What does #### Vitale have to say about it? Here's the funniest one: Ryan Fitzpatrick is edited to read "Ryan ####". Maybe it's because the word starts with "F" and ends in "CK"? It looks like Fitzpatrick is the new "F" word!

• I'll close with one of the stupidest "hockey related" things I've ever seen: Claude Lemieux on "Pros vs. Joes" on SPIKE. The idea of the show is that "regular guys" play against retired pro players, usually baseball or football players. This is the first time I've seen the contestants have to play hockey, if you can call it hockey. It's so far from the current NHL, it was disgusting. The idea was to skate from behind the goal, pick up one of the 5 pucks placed within the zone, and try to skate in on an empty net and score . . . with Lemieux in your way. Interesting idea. So what does he do on the first attempt? He hit the kid in the mouth with a highstick! And on the one goal he let up, he crosschecked the kid and knocked him down. I've got news for you: that's not hockey, despite the dorky announcer's claims, that's called a penalty. Yes, I rooted for Claude when he was a Devil, because he was such a clutch playoff performer. But I'd be the first to agree that on top of his tenacity and goal scoring talent, he was a dirty player and a complete asshole. Thankfully, the NHL didn't have anything to do with this asinine show.

UPDATE: I'm going to see the Devils play the D.C. Ovechkins on 2/24. This might be my last appearance at the Continental Breakfast Arena, so feel free to alert the media. I just thought of this, but the Devils might be the only team where you want to buy tickets on the side where Marty will be defending twice, and not on the side where they attack twice.

WAR OF THE WORDS

"Do you know how I know you're gay? You bought a spa ball." That's right, I bought one and it's AWESOME, and only a little gay. You can laugh all you want, but I'm in pursuit of a sexy core. Is that too much to ask? Actually, I believe that's one our unalienable rights, right after "life" and "liberty". "Sexy core" might even be in the Bible but don't quote me on that.

Speaking of the Bill of Rights, people who hate freedom of speech have decided to declare a symbolic moratorium on the use of 'N' word. What word is that? Nuptial? Negligee? Necromancer? No, it's "nigger", in case you haven't guessed (thanks for the shitstorm, Kramer!). What's even more absurd is that it's even been "banned" at the Laugh Factory in New York. A comedy club banning words. Now THAT'S a joke, and not a funny one.

Back in the day, the 'F' word used to be "fuck", but now it's apparently also "faggot". Now if someone says, "You shouldn't use the 'F' word", how the f*** do I know what you're talking about, you f*****? In related news, a theater somewhere in Bumfuck, USA who is hosting "The Vagina Monologues" has changed their marquee to read "The Hoohaa Monologues". Let me just clue you in on something: everyone knows that slang terms like this probably shouldn't be used among strangers, and that there can be consquences if you do. Too many people blame popular culture, or hide behind their supposedly anonymous Internet usernames, instead of using simple common sense. So now we have to be told by lawyers and politicians about how to act in public. Fantastic.

Maybe it's me, but I'm not really offended by anything. I'm sometimes disgusted, nauseated, annoyed, or perturbed, but I've never been up-in-arms angry about anything. I don't know, maybe growing up with MAD magazine, violent video games, and Howard Stern will do that to a person; nothing surprises or shocks me anymore. I just can't understand why people are so uptight about these completely innocuous things. But once we start making it illegal to use certain words, we are doomed as a society. Doomed!

LOST FOR GOOD?

I'm not a patient man.

Just ask anyone who has been in my car while stuck in traffic, or while trying to leave a parking lot after a hockey game. Or better yet, ask anyone who has been near me while trying to get a drink at a crowded bar (I'm 6'4", how can they not see me?!). So when ABC put their hit show LOST was on hiatus from early November until today, I thought I'd be done with it. This is the only show that routinely landed in the Top 10 for the network and I'm sure it makes a ton of money, and they had to split it into two pieces due to "production constraints"? I don't even know what that means. Is it because of all the cast members that party too hard on location in Hawaii? (I think there's been 2 DWIs and a house fire so far.)

LOST is a heavy serial show that demands your attention, because of all the plot points, details, and back story you have to absorb and remember. Personally, I can't recall a single thing about what happened in the previous "half-season". Something about Sawyer and Kate shagging in a polar bear cage, aborted spinal surgery, and Jack telling Kate to "RUN!!!" Or something. I also refuse to go to those silly overbearing fansites to refresh my memory. They should have a ticker running along the bottom of the screen with character information, like "Locke is looking for Jack", and "Sayid is swimming back to shore with a shotgun and he is PISSED". Or maybe they could have a map inset showing where the characters are on the island, sort of like Grand Theft Auto 3. Throw me a bone, here.

This show has a lot of fans, enough so that there's even a college course based on it at Tufts University (I heard an interview of the students responsible and they don't sound all that bright, but the syllabus is pretty good). However, the ratings have slipped, and this hiatus may have whittled it down to a mere cult following. All I know is that this episode can't possibly live up to the buildup over the past 3 months, and it might lose some viewers for good.

Anyway, since you didn't ask for it, here's my overall theory on LOST:

* During WWII, the island was discovered as the source of a large natural electromagnetic pulse. This power would reek havoc with compasses, and gave strange healing powers to everyone exposed to it. Eager to harness its energy, testing laboratories were soon set up on it and scientists sent there to study it. Various animals were brought in and psychological testing was done on humans, to ascertain its power.

* The DHARMA Initiative, funded by the HANSO Foundation, provided supplies for scientists to live full time on the island. It was found out that although the island had powers to heal the sick and give prognosticative powers to some, the scientists who tried to have children were rendered sterile.

* Ben, who said "he's lived there his whole life", is the second generation of the island's first inhabitants, one of the children of the original scientists.

* Juliet is a bitch and I didn't like her from day 1. Jack, don't listen to her, you dummy!

* Kate is in cahoots with "The Others", since everytime she's asked, "What did they do to you?" she refuses to answer.

Oh screw it, I'm tired. Here's a picture of Evangeline Lilly (Kate).

CHECK IT OUT, HIS HEAD IS BLEEDING! LITTLE WAYNE'S LEGS ARE SHAKING ALL OVER THE PLACE!

BIG GAME WRAPUP: WE WON'T GET JINXED AGAIN!

Overall, Big Game #41 was . . . pretty damn dull.

The first half was incredibly sloppy (5 lost fumbles and an interception, a missed Viniateri FG and a botched PAT), and although Chicago hung around they were outplayed and never felt like an offensive threat. It wasn't the worst game (Dallas beating Buffalo 52-17, and the Bucs blowing out the Raiders come to mind), but it certainly wasn't great.

Anyway, congrats, Indy! At least there's something to do in Chicago, so I don't feel so bad for them. And now we can stop talking about him now that the big game jinx has been lifted from Peyton 'Laser Rocket Arm' Manning. The monkey is off his back, but whose is it on now and who will get to spank it next? Personally, I feel just like I did when Elway finally won his first: complete apathy. Just a few notes:

I think I had more fun watching Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet. Puppies playing for three straight hours? A ref throwing a flag for urinating on the field? An all-kitten halftime show? The BOWL CAM? It's hard to beat. I voted for Bomber for MVP (Most Valuable Puppy), and it looks like he finished 1st, getting 34% of the over 1.5 million votes counted (I shit you not).

Billy Joel finished the National Anthem in 1:37. According to the increasingly ridiculous "prop bets", the over/under was 1:44. I'm guessing Billy bet the under.

I missed the opening kickoff return for TD, walking into Bruxelles mere seconds after it happened. I have an uncanny knack for missing those things. Not only was that the first time the opening kickoff was returned, but the 1st quarter featured the most turnovers (4, with 3 fumbles). Jim Nantz later said that Muhsim Muhammad was the first player to catch TD passes for two different SB teams, which we thought was bullshit. We were right: Jerry Rice did it for San Francisco (Super Bowl XXIII, XXIV and XXIX) and Oakland (XXXVII). So there.

I'll save you time: ALL THE COMMERCIALS SUCKED. Okay, there was one funny Bud Light commercial (featuring a couple picking up a guy with an axe just because he had beer), the rest were pretty horrible. Seriously, who thinks Carlos Mencia is funny? Hopefully, this is the end of an era and we can stop focusing on the commercials. (Hey, a guy can dream.)

The halftime show might have been the least disappointing part of the night. Despite the fact that most people thought he was dead, Prince sounded good and was better than expected. He even worked in covers of "All Along the Watchtower" and "Best of You" by Foo Fighters (apparently, he likes their cover of "Darling Nikki").

Speaking of halftime shows, this complete list of SB performers is great. I don't remember "Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye", whatever the hell that is; I must have blocked out that nightmare. But through the magic of YouTube, you can re-live the ever-so-frightening "Diet Coke Be-Bop Bamboozled in 3-D" from SB XXIII announced by a 12 year old Bob Costas.

Team President Bill Polian thanked God for helping the Colts win, but oddly did not blame Him for those tornadoes that killed 20 people in central Florida earlier in the week. Funny, that.

It was nice of CBS to give David Spade tickets to the game in Miami, mere weeks before his latest crap show is canceled. But to achieve total network synergy, we were hoping they'd get David Caruso from CSI: Miami to do color commentary:

"Jim, what we have here is a fumble . . . but was it a giveaway . . . (puts on sunglasses) . . . or a TAKEaway?"

(cue Roger Daltry scream) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

THE BIG GAME IS HERE!

My quick thoughts on FootballMechaMatch 101001:

Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are both black. I'm not sure you were aware of this. And it's Black History Month, so I think the whole thing is fixed.

The Colts must show up tonight. I can't express that enough. Win this one for your fallen Colt, Barbaro!!!

I guess I have to go with the Bears, since they were my preseason pick, but I really don't care. My enthusiasm for this game is UNMEASURABLE.

How come no one is talking about Ricky Manning, Jr., the illegitimate son of Archie?

I think it would hilarious if they inserted Peyton into every commercial that 4 minute block right before kickoff.

I'm rooting for a blowout by halftime so I can go to bed early.

I'm also rooting for rain, since there's no chance of snow in Miami.

Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet might be the best part of the night. Three hours of puppies playing, narrated by Harry Kalas. You can't look away. Nearly a million votes have been cast for the MVP (Most Valuable Puppy). No shit. I voted for Bomber.

Stevie Nicks, Billy Joel and Prince are performing today. What is it, 1983?

Deadspin is doing the GLOG for CBS Sportsline. Seriously, a GLOG sounds like something you produced that you have trouble flushing down.

Enjoy!

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

Yes, it's that magical month again.

There's really only one thing you have to remember about the month of JEFFUARY: every day is about me. Yeah sure, I know some people celebrate Valentine's Day by buying their significant other candy, and even though they pretend to be delighted they file away their anger towards you for getting them a gift that is designed to make them fat. Bravo! Good luck with that. Meanwhile, I'm taking the day off and will be at the bar.

So for the entire month of JEFFUARY, I'm going to treat myself to something every day (and I encourage you to do the same). These activities may include any or all of the following: drinking, fine dining, watching hockey, drinking, playing open hockey/pond hockey, drinking, skiing, bourbon, going to/renting a movie, playing video games, drinking, getting a massage, drinking, watching golf, watching LOST, drinking. Did I mention that there might be drinking involved? Only 28 days hath JEFFUARY so I'd better get started. You can kick off the festivities by buying ME a drink. See how it works? You too can be a part of the unbridled joy that is JEFFUARY!

It's really just all about the fun: me having fun, and you doing everything to facilitate me having fun.

HAPPY JEFFUARY EVERYONE!