WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E MART?

They're here: the 7-Eleven stores converted into Kwik-E Marts! The U.S. locations are New York City (42nd Street in Midtown), Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Burbank, Los Angeles and Mountain View, CA, Henderson, NV, Orlando, FL, Seattle, and Bladensburg, MD. I might not make it to the NYC store, although most of the stores will be selling some of the Simpsons related products. But alas, there will be no Duff beer.

The picture I included is pretty pathetic actually, since Comic Book Guy looks skinny compared to that guy. Here's another photo gallery of a Kwik-E Mart in Southern California. (With real live Simpsons look-a-likes! Huh?). I love the "5 Minute Parking - Violators Will Be Executed" and "Buy 3 for the price of 3" signage. Here's a short homemade video of the store in Maryland:



Who needs the Kwik-E Mart? I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In another cross-promotional moment, the MLB All-Star Game commercials feature Jimmy Rollins eating a pink frosted donut after looking at "The Simpsons Movie" ad (check the video at 0:34, if you can make it past the initial shot of the giant headed Giants player).

AT THE NEVELE, THERE'S NOT MUCH TO DO; THANK GOD FOR THE GILDED OTTER

At the Nevele
There's so much to do
You can play some golf
We've got golf for you
Did we mention golf?
You can play golf too
With the EL-DER-LEEEEEEEE!



(Yeah, that's a winter commercial from 1980, but what a catchy jingle!)

As it turns out, there's nothing much to do besides play golf at the Nevele Grande, a Catskill resort which is long past its heyday (aren't they all?). The golf course itself is in okay shape, but it's nothing to write home about. There's also a good chance you'll get matched up with some older players; personally, we were joined on the front nine by an affable older gentleman, Jerry Atrick. (Get it?)

Since it's not a long course anyway you slice (or hook) it, we decided to play the back tees (6532 yards, par 70). Oddly enough, what made it long is the fact that all of the par 3s are over 200 yards. We must be the only ones who play from these tees, because by the time we got to the 17th hole the markers that indicate where to tee off from had completely disappeared! It's as if the grounds crew (if there is one, we didn't see anyone out on the course) had just given up, and we don't blame them. The only good thing was that we pretty much had the place to ourselves after the 3rd hole and were finished in 3½ hours, something that just doesn't happen on a Saturday morning in the greater NYC area. (Thanks to the starter for getting us out there "before the Orientals". His words, not mine.)

However, the highlight of the day (and a testament to my genius) was our visit to the Gilded Otter Brewery in New Paltz, NY. It was really easy to find after a short drive over the Shawanagunk Mountains right at the western edge of the town. As you enter the two-story building, you are greeted by the actual steel tanks prominently placed inside the middle of the restaurant and behind the large bar. They served up tasty bar food and even tastier brews, especially the Hefeweisen. The hoppy Three Pines IPA, and the smooth Dusseldorf Altbier (brown ale) were also very good. It almost made me forget the nine balls I lost on the back 9.

INDIANA JEFF AND THE BLOG OF DOOM

Although I'm a bit of a geek at times, I don't think I'm a "fanboy" of anything. I would never buy any Apple products or Star Trek box sets, and I hate Star Wars geeks almost as much as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog does. But I'm going to admit something: I'm really psyched for the new Indiana Jones movie.

Filming of the 4th Indiana Jones movie is underway, and it just so happens that this week Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford themselves are filming a scene from the movie in New Haven, Connecticut, in and around the Yale University campus. The movie is set in 1957, and they've spared no expense and dressed up a couple of blocks with old cars and vintage accessories to make it look authentic. SPOILER ALERT: they're filming a motorcycle chase scene. But since every Indy movie so far has had a motorcycle chase scene, that's not really much of a spoiler. As much as I'd like to go check it out, sites like the Indiana Jones 4 - Movie Chronicles save me from having to go there myself. Although maybe Spielberg himself will see me, and say, "My good man, I like the cut of your jib, how would you like to be in MOTION PICTURES? Harrison, hit the bricks, we have a new Indy!" Uhm, probably not.

After a 19 year absence it should be interesting to see 64 year old Harrison Ford reprise this role, even if it will be a bit like watching my dad running around fighting Nazis. (However, he looks pretty damn good in this picture.) The original was released 26 years ago and just happens to be my favorite movie, so you can pencil me in to see this in May 2008. There's no way it can live up to the original, but hopefully it will be more Last Crusade, less Temple of Doom. Although Spielberg has a decent track record, after the unwatchable trilogy of crap that was those new Star Wars movies, I just hope Lucas doesn't fudge this up.

So does it make me a "fanboy" because I want to see a sequel to one of the greatest action movies of all-time (and AFI's 60th best American movie)? I don't even know what that word even means; it's just another convenient and handy label, as people can use this to immediately jump to conclusions about you and ridicule you. I suppose it's not enough to just be a "fan" anymore, you have to do it to the EXTREME: blogs, websites, fan fiction, forums, ad nauseum.

But unlike most of these young whippersnapper fans who were weined on the DVD box set, or forced to like the movie by their parents, I saw the original in the movie theater more times that I can count. And of course, I did dress up as Indiana Jones for Halloween. Okay, so maybe I AM a Indy fanboy geek nerd. Look out, it's INDIANA JEFF!

WEEKLY TOP 10: iRAGE!

This format is kind of fun when I can't think of a reason to do a full blog post. So here I go again, on my own, with another lame list.

10. Don't you hate when you start the day off with your underwear all bunched up and not quite on straight, and for the rest of the day it just doesn't feel right?

9. Jill Nicolini, who does the CW11 New York traffic report, posed for Playboy back in 2001 (NSFW) as "Jill Nikki". I'll never watch the news the same way again. That is, with my pants on.

8. Among other things, it's nice to know that the The Chinese also make crappy tires, which so far have killed 2 people leading to the recall of 450,000 tires. The best news: this company makes tires for Yokohoma, which are the crap tires on my car (one blew out with only 4000 miles on it--coincedence?).

This news comes hot on the heels of the killer pet food debacle, child toys discovered made with lead paint, and now the closure of 180 food plants for safety violations--is there anything they can't screw up? This sentence from a NY Times article neatly sums it up: "The incidents are the latest indications that cutting corners or producing fake goods is not just a legacy of China’s initial rush toward the free market three decades ago but still woven into the fabric of the nation’s thriving industrial economy." Oh boy.

7. My current favorite porn star name: Bolivia Samsonite. What the hell? Were all the good ones taken? And what if your luggage is lost on the way back from South America? That would be quite an eye-opening Google search.

6. This is quite possibly the ugliest hockey uniform I've ever seen: it's the Sheffield Steelers, from the British Elite Ice Hockey League (which I had no idea even existed):
Ugh, I bet when you buy that jersey they give you a free bowl of soup. I almost chose the Coors Belfast Giants because of the hideous color scheme/ginormous Coors ads, but they've redesigned their jerseys and they'll probably be much better--nah, they'll still be hideous. Oh, and there are no goalies in this league, only "netminders".

5. Protesters torch Iran gas stations. Huh, that's interesting. Maybe the country will destroy itself, and save us the hassle. Let me guess: this will somehow make the price of gas skyrocket just in time for the 4th of July!

4. Geeks die of heat stroke waiting for iPods. Okay, this hasn't happened . . . yet. This is my official last post about Apple / iPhone / iPod / iCrap. Here's my favorite part of the NY Times review of the iPhone:

"Making a call, though, can take as many as six steps: wake the phone, unlock its buttons, summon the Home screen, open the Phone program, view the Recent Calls or speed-dial list, and select a name."

Six steps? By that time, I'll forget what I was calling about. In other words, it's a phone that's not very convenient to use as a phone. Wait, it's called the iPHONE--phone is right in the NAME!

The thing is if it were any other company announcing they were releasing a cool phone, say Nokia or Samsung, I'd be okay with it. But Apple (and their fanbase) is just so damn smug about it that you almost root for them to fail. They're nothing but a shrewd company who has successfully brainwashed millions convincing them to purchase their overpriced, hip consumer electronics. Sure, their gadgets are fairly well designed and packed with innovative technology, but spending $600 on an iPhone will not validate your existence. Thanks. I'm done.

3. I am currently reading "Innocent When You Dream", an excellent compendium of Tom Waits interviews and articles from 1974-2005. I've flipped through it the last few days and read different parts of it and it's already eminently quotable. Here's an excerpt from a pre-Rain Dogs interview (p. 88) where he talks about New York City:

"When you see a leg come out of a cab with a $150 stocking and a $700 shoe and step in a pool of blood, piss, and beer left by a guy who died a half hour before and is now lying cold somewhere on a slab, you just take it all in. But it doesn't really apply anywhere else. I don't know how you go from New York to anywhere else. It's like being in a very bizarre branch of the service. "I was in four years." I read that there's a barge that goes out into the Atlantic with all the limbs from all the hospitals, and it got into a storm and capsized, and all the limbs washed up on Jones Beach. People were swimming and all of a sudden things got a little odd, a little dark. You've got to love it here, though."

I might have to make this a regular OH blog feature, "Tom Waits quote of the week".

2. The Pocono Record is known for its hard-hitting journalism; well, in a perfect world it would be. Just check out this article, which would make the New York Post editors blush:

LAP DANCING ON GOLF COURSE ANGERS NEIGHBORS; WITH GRAPHIC VIDEO

How can you NOT click on that? (Note to self: get subscription to this newspaper.) I love the long haired guy teeing off in the middle of it--how could you possibly hit a nice drive under those conditions? And I've been to Stroudsburg and sweet Jebus, there's not a damn thing to do up there--let them have a little fun.

My favorite line from the police cops, of course: "This is an ongoing investigation." Probably followed by: "We may have to deploy several officers to CR Fanny's Gentleman's Club to investigate, and the fact-finding process may take several months or even years. Yes, I am aware that the establishment's name is a ribald pun." Personally, I'm appalled by the fact that they had "threesomes". Everyone knows that for a golf outing everyone should be in FOURSOMES. I find it disgusting and offensive that no one follows golf etiquette.

1. T-Shirt of the Week: twoeightnine's MASSHOLE (you know who you are).

"FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS": BOOM BOOM TIL THE BREAK OF BOOM!

I don't do this often, but I have an enthusiastic TV show recommendation: Flight of the Conchords. This is one of the funniest shows I've seen in a while, and it was produced by Troy Miller (Mr. Show with Bob and David), so that explains a lot. The show revolves around two guys (Jemaine Clement and Brit McKenzie) from a New Zealand "digi-folk" band who move to New York, to presumably make some money playing gigs. Of course, it doesn't turn out exactly as planned (one problem being their clueless agent, reminiscent of Stephen Merchant on Extras), and they begin to feel the "Inner City Pressure".



I gather that these guys have been a big comedy/music act for a few years, sort of the Tenacious D of New Zealand, if you will. If you like the music videos, also check out "She's So Hot (BOOM)".



"We're gonna boom boom boom 'til the break of boom! Who's the BOOM KING? I'm the BOOM KING!"

I just watched episode 2 on HBO tonight, very funny stuff. There are numerous standalone clips of the "music videos", which are the centerpiece of the eps, but they're much funnier in context since they come out of nowhere. Through the magic of the InterWebs, you don't need HBO to watch the pilot episode: it's on YouTube!
[Part 1][Part 2][Part 3]

Flight of the Conchords [HBO]
Flight of the Conchords [Official MySpace]

FLYING HIGH DEFINITION

Cablevision is finally starting to do something right. They just added 15 HD channels to their cable lineup. These channels are actually from the Dolans' failed satellite venture, VOOM. Get ready and strap yourselves in, here's the full list:

HDNews- The only HD source for 24/7 news, sports and weather, HDNews offers news headlines, sports highlights, in-depth features and national weather reports supported by five news bureaus across the nation.
Equator HD - The first high-definition channel dedicated to exploring the world's most intriguing people and amazing places with intelligent programs about global adventure and green living.
Gallery HD - Stunning imagery and stories from the front line of the art world. Gallery HD is the first and only HD channel that defines the most talked-about artists of today and tomorrow.
Rush HD - Life on the edge with adrenaline junkies of adventure sports.
Rave HD - Live music as a whole new experience in crystal clear HD and 5.1 surround sound.
Ultra HD - The hottest fashion, the coolest styles and insight into the 'luxe' life from around the world. Ultra HD delivers coverage of the fashion industry's hottest events, shopping, cuisine and interior design.
Animania HD - Eye-popping HD animation from the groundbreaking to the classic.
Monsters HD - The masters of movie horror in terrifying HD clarity.
Gameplay HD - Enter the virtual worlds of video gaming for the first time in HD.
Treasure HD - A channel dedicated to pursuing stories about people and their passions. Original, innovative, entertaining, it's a high-definition look at what people treasure in life, from antiques to adventures.
Worldsport HD - Live sports coverage from premier arenas around the globe.
Family Room HD - Movies, series and specials suitable for the whole family.
Film Fest HD - A non-stop film festival for movie fans, remastered in HD.
Kung Fu HD - All martial arts action, all the time. From Bruce Lee to Jet Li, all in HD.
World Cinema HD - Award-winning and top-performing movies without borders, featuring award-wining movies and stars from around the globe.

Some of this stuff is cool and has been available for years (and the Dolans are just getting around to making it available for CV subs, probably because DirecTV is kicking their asses). Between watching the Mets and Yanks lose in HD last night, I've already seen a little of GALLERY, MONSTERS, WORLD CINEMA, RAVE and RUSH, and briefly checked out HDNews. But watching other people play videogames? 24 hours of kung fu movies? Really? Most of this just sounds like stuff you would watch while firing up the bong.

They also say that "500 HD channels" are on the way. At this rate they roll them out, that will be in 2021. But at least this is a step in the right direction.

INTERNET RADIO: NATIONAL DAY OF SILENCE

Many internet radio stations have declared today a "National Day of Silence". Several stations are not broadcasting today (my favorite, WOXY.com, being one) to protest the impending bill that will substantially increase music royalties (a 300 - 1200% increase!) and could subsequently put many small stations out of business on July 15, 2007.

If you enjoy music like I do, it's about time you clicked on SaveNetRadio.org and did something about it! I've already contacted my senators (Chuck & Hillary!) about it and hope something can be done to amend this bill. The first stations to fold will likely be "personalized" ones like Pandora and Finetune (although probably not Last.fm, who was just bought by CBS). The music industry is so backwards, they don't realize that these stations actually HELP stimulate music sales (I know I've found some great new stuff just from listening to net radio). In trying to create more revenue for musicians, instead this could have the unintended effect of driving music listeners to turn to illegal ways of obtaining music. Good work, idiots!

Here's a good article from a legal website (hey, not all lawyers are useless!) that agrees that this is a horrible idea:

A Look at Radio Silence: When Copyright Law Reform Goes Terribly Wrong

SAVE NET RADIO!

(Otherwise, I might have to listen to my coworkers all day instead. *shiver*)

WEEKLY TOP 10: HACKENEYED CLICHÉS

This is my new lazy-ass blogging technique: a week end wrapup top 10 list. I'm sure I'll probably never do this again.

10. Nothing says unwanted pregnancy and shame like a bottle of blackberry brandy.

9. Bebo. I have no idea what that means, but it's the next MySpace. Hopefully, it doesn't suck as hard as MySpace.

8. (Yeah, this has become a hackeneyed cliche, but here goes.)
An upper deck box seat in Shea, one of the dumpiest ballparks on the planet: $29
Parking your car in a miserable unpaved dirt field next to Northern Blvd: $14
A Miller Lite in a plastic bottle: $7.25
Being consumed by my seething white-hot hatred for everything concerning Major League Baseball: Priceless.

7. People who sleep out to buy an iPhone really should re-evaluate their lives. I have decided that I will never buy an iPod.

6. It's never too early to get your "Huck Fillary" gear. I might go for the teddy bear.

5. The Pittsburgh Pirates may not have a real team, but at least they have a sense of humor. I think the parrot gets whacked.

4. The Whiskey Bottle PC. We all know what to do with a full whiskey bottle, but what about an empty one? This guy cut one in half and put a complete PC inside. Pretty amazing.

3. For the first time ever in NHL draft history, the top 2 players were Americans. Take that Canada, you freakin' hosers! Bettman still sucks.

2. Congratulations to Angel Cabrera for winning the 2007 US Open. As Rob said, "The sight of Angel lighting up a heater every hole is sure to get some undies in a bunch." Hey, and at least it wasn't a filthy Euro. Speaking of, that awesome world-beating European 2006 Ryder Cup team did great at Oakmont: only 3 of 9 made the cut (Casey, Olazabal, Westwood), and all the big names missed the cut (Monty, Stenson, Donald, Sergio, Harrington, Karlsson). Meanwhile, 8 out of 12 Americans were makin' money, with only FIGJAM, Wetterich, Taylor, and Cink missing the cut. In other words, when it's every man for himself, the US team is the best!

1. Weird-O-Matic has a great collection of creepy ads. If I had to choose the creepiest one, it would be this Lysol ad.

I HATE THIS BLOG

I'm looking at this blog, and man do I hate it. It just all seems so pointless. I really have nothing interesting to say, including this post right here.

Today, I thought about putting up another post about hockey (Brodeur getting another Vezina, ho hum), or golf (Tiger having a baby girl and naming it after Sam Snead?), or the Mets (I'm going to the game tonight, and god have they truly sucked lately), or how the College World Series is 2 months long and impossible to follow, or that health care "documentary" about health care and how evil pharmaceutical companies are (ugh). I thought about looking for another Looney Tunes cartoon, or some music or sports video (which, because it's on YouTube, looks like complete and utter crap, the sound is poorly synched, and 572 stupid kids have commented unintelligibly about it for no apparent reason). Maybe I'll write a drinky drinky column about something I'd like to be drinking right now, but I can't because I'm at work (which is the ultimate torture).

But I've got nothing. I'm not just in a rut. I think I'm officially spent.

This is it. I need to make a move, I'm not happy with my job, my apartment, my high blood pressure which was brought on suddenly by god knows what. Most of all, I'm not happy with this fucking lame blog. It doesn't serve a purpose anymore, and no one reads it but me (and maybe Rob). Maybe I'll feel motivated to post something down the line, but right now my time would be better spent focusing on getting myself out of this.

So if you actually DO read this, oh well. I guess you can go find some other free entertainment/complaining out in the InterWebs. Cheers.

P.S. Bettman sucks.

MUSIC VIDEO: HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

This is the video for one of my all time favorite songs, "Cloudbusting" by Kate Bush, from the excellent Hounds Of Love album from 1985. From Wikipedia:

The song is a look at a special relationship between a boy and his father. It describes psychologist Wilhelm Reich's arrest and incarceration through the eyes of his son, Peter, who wrote his father's story in A Book Of Dreams, published in 1973, on which the song is based. Wilhelm Reich is the inventor of the cloudbuster, which is the device pictured on the cover of this single.

Donald Sutherland plays Dr. Reich in the video, while Kate plays his son, Peter. It was directed by Julian Doyle and conceived by Terry Gilliam and Kate Bush. One of the best of the 80s.

(For the youngsters out there, that's Jack Bauer's dad.)

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!



(I hadn't seen this in about 10 years and I'll admit, I got a little misty at the end. Yeah I know, I'm a giant sissy.)

Kate Bush Official Site
Kate Bush Hounds of Love [Amazon]

2007 U.S. OPEN PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

Do you like fast greens, deep rough, and high scores? If so, you'll be happy to know that it's that time again: the 2007 US Open is here!

I'm honestly not as fired up for this one as I was last year (since I was at Winged Foot), but once the balls start flying I'll be into it. Here are the vital stats for the 107th US Open, which is becoming toughest (or most unfair, depending on who you ask) major:

COURSE: Oakmont Country Club
LOCATION: Oakmont, PA (weather)
PAR: 35-35-70
YARDAGE: 7,355

DESIGNER: Henry C. Fownes (his only course)
FAIRWAYS/TEES: poa/bentgrass
GREENS: poanna (perennial)
ROUGH: graduated to 1.5" inches the first cut, 3" from 8-10 yards off the fairway, and 5 to 5.5" at the deepest, with fescue along each fairway
AVERAGE STIMPMETER: 12 - 13.5

THE COURSE
Opened in 1903, Oakmont is located 20 minutes outside of Pittsburgh in western PA, depending on how fast you drive. This was also the site for the 1994 US Open, won by fresh faced youngster Ernie Els (age 24) in a 20 hole playoff. This time around, par is 70 even though the course is normally a par 71 (the 9th, a 477 yard par 5, is now a par 4), because "the USGA likes messing with your mind", as Johnny Miller (who shot a 63 in 1973 at Oakmont) put it. Somehow, they also added 100 yards to the 2nd hole (340 to 440, or is that a typo?). While a lot of trees have been removed, there are now a total of 210 bunkers, one of them between #3 and #4 is the dreaded "Church Pew" bunker. Overall, the course prides itself on beating up all those who come to play, which is typical of fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The toughest hole is the 1st (482 yard, par 4), but the 12th (667 yard, par 5, with a front to back sloping green) is no slouch either. I also don't know how these guys will get a ball to stick to the green on the 8th (288 yard, par 3), but that's why they're the pros. (As I was typing this, I found out Trevor Immelman aced this hole in a Tuesday practice round using a 3 wood.)

THE PLAYERS
As for the contenders, Tiger is already whining about the conditions being incredibly tough. This may just be a ploy to scare off the rest of the field, because if it's tough for him, what about everyone else?

Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson may have trained TOO hard for this one: he hurt his wrist practicing chipping out of the rough at Oakmont a month ago, and must wear a brace on his left hand. He's never really been injured during the season, so we'll see if he's able to play through it. If nothing else, he can use it as an excuse.

As for the defending champ, as solid and stoic as he is I don't see Geoff Ogilvy repeating. I also don't see Masters winner Zach Johnson being a factor. Is this Monty's chance to win a major? It's very possible. I see the winner coming from this group: Woods, Appleby, Toms, Goosen, Donald, Immelman, O'Hair.

PAIRINGS AND TEE TIMES
6/14 (Hole #1), 6/15 (Hole #10)
7:55 a.m.-1:25 p.m. -- Jose Maria Olazabal, Spain; Sergio Garcia, Spain; Pablo Martin, Spain
Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.

8:06 a.m.-1:36 p.m. -- Tiger Woods, Windermere, Fla.; A-Richie Ramsay, Scotland; Geoff Ogilvy, Australia
Since Tiger missed the cut at Winged Foot in '06, he was probably on his yacht watching Geoff win it (or should I say, Monty/Phil/Furyk blow it), so they should have plenty to talk about. Never mind, they won't talk at all.

1:14 p.m.-7:44 a.m. -- Vijay Singh, Fiji; Davis Love III, Sea Island, Ga.; Henrik Stenson, Sweden
The most formidable trio, with Stenson having the best shot.

6/14 (#10), 6/15 (#1)

7:11 a.m.-12:41 p.m. -- Boo Weekley, Milton, Fla.; Nobuhiro Masuda, Japan; Bubba Watson, Bagdad, Fla.

It's Bubba, Boo And Nobu! I don't know why that cracks me up, but it does.

7:44 a.m.-1:14 p.m. -- Ernie Els, South Africa; Zach Johnson, Cedar Rapids, Iowa; Padraig Harrington, Ireland

The most likeable trio; too bad I don't see any of them winning it.

1:36 p.m.-8:06 a.m. -- Phil Mickelson, Rancho Santa Fe, Calif.; Adam Scott, Australia; Jim Furyk, Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla.

Actually, this is a tough trio as well, if Phillis' left wrist is serviceable.

BEST NAME: Kaname Yokoo of Japan. Jason Dufner from Alabama gets an honorable mention.

LOCAL FLAVOR: Let's give it up for assistant pro Frank Bensel from Purchase, N.Y. Woo hoo!

LIVE LEADERBOARD

BROADCAST TIMES

Thursday 6/14: ESPN 10 AM–3 PM, NBC 3–5 PM, ESPN 5–7 PM

Friday 6/15: ESPN 10 AM–3 PM, NBC 3–5 PM, ESPN 5–7 PM

Saturday 6/16, Sunday 6/17: NBC 1 - 7 PM

(Man, I don't know which I hate more: ESPN or NBC Sports. It remains to be seen if the entire thing will be in HD.)

SENTIMENTAL PICK: Tiger Woods, on Father's Day right before he's about to become a daddy. Awwww. /collective sigh

MY PICK: Luke Donald. (I know, I chose a stinkin' Euro, which would be the first since Tony Jacklin won in 1970.)

BEST GOALS OF NHL 2006-2007 SEASON

To help with your hockey withdrawal, here's a great compilation of the best goals from the NHL 2006-2007 season. Yes, believe it or not there are other players in the NHL besides Crosby (although he is featured twice).



10. Bill Guerin (STL, vs. NAS)
9. Sidney Crosby (PIT, vs. TB)
8. Jordan Staal (PIT, vs. PHI)
7. Maxim Afinogenov (BUF, vs. PHI)
6. Pavel Datsyuk (DET, vs. EDM)
5. Martin Havlat (CHI, vs. CLB)
4. Vermette (OTT, vs. TB)
3. Crosby (PIT, vs. PHX)
2. Ales Hemsky (EDM, vs. DAL)
1. Evgeni Malkin (PIT, vs. NJD)

Off the top of my head, I remembered the Havlat and Malkin goals, the latter being the first time I saw Malkin play when he was terrorizing the league last October (and it was scored against Brodeur). The Vermette one was just crazy, and the Hemsky goal amazing because of the circumstances. Well done.

CARTOONSDAY!

"Don't look so perplexed. Why must you be vexed? Can't you see you're next? Yes, you're next, you're so next!" It's Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd starring in "Rabbit of Seville" (1950).

Bugs Bunny - The Rabbit Of Seville

Bonus video! It's Two for Cartoonsday, as we also have the newest "The Simpsons Movie" TV commercial, coming July 27, 2007.



This film is not yet rated or finished.

"THE SOPRANOS" FINALE: FUCK YOU, DAVID CHASE!

Since you just gave your loyal viewers of "The Sopranos" a big "fuck you" with your pointless, plotless, and ponderous series finale, I thought I'd return the favor:

FUCK YOU, DAVID CHASE!

If you really want to read about this pile of garbage, go elsewhere as there will be a billion other blogs/websites/people with nothing better to do discussing it.

I would have said "spoiler alert" at the beginning of this post, but that warning is only used when something actually happens, whereas nothing happened on this show.

As I had predicted, there was no closure, no climax, no resolution. It's just like life. Well, I've got news for you, this isn't life, IT'S (supposedly) ENTERTAINMENT.

FUCK YOU, DAVID CHASE.

(Seriously, after all the great music featured in this series, you chose "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey as the final song?)

2006-2007 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS - QUACKTACULAR!

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks for winning the 2006-2007 Stanley Cup! They're the first West Coast team to win the Cup since the NHL started giving it out in 1926 (and the first West Coast champion since the 1924-25 Victoria Cougars--what a juggernaut that team was, eh?).

The Ducks were excellent while snuffing out the Ottawa Canada Geese in only 5 games, a series the latter should have nightmares about all summer. In last night's 6-2 finale, the Sens basically imploded; Alfie was the only one to show up for the Sens as Spezza and Heatley disappeared, the team only got 12 shots on goal, and Emery and the defense in front of him had a horrible night. They had a good postseason, but didn't have enough in the end. There was a nice moment afterwards as team captain and Conn Smythe winner Scott "Ol' Graybeard" Neidermayer handed off the Cup to his brother, Rob. I didn't realize that, after Scottie, every single Duck player was a first time Cup winner. That's amazing. And man, I wish I owned a bar in Anaheim right now.

One quick note to all the lazy ass journalists/bloggers out there: DISNEY NO LONGER OWNS THE TEAM. They sold it over 2 years ago! So you can stop making oh-so-funny Mickey Mouse jokes. However, the Linda Cohn comment to lead off ESPN Sportscenter (hockey? On ESPN?) was funny: "Somewhere Emilio Estevez is smiling."

Of course, the happy celebration was momentarily suspended as Gary "Fucking" Bettman walked to center ice to give out the hardware, and he was once again heartily and lustily booed. Starting with the 1995 Devils Cup win (I'm so proud) where the fans were angered about the team possibly relocating to Nashville, this has become an annual tradition, a rite of spring if you will, much like dumping the Gatorade bucket over the winning football coach's head. In fact, the ever-slippery Bettman even had a quick line ready to quiet the crowd ("Sounds like hockey's doing pretty well in California, don't ya think? Uhm, SURF'S UP, DUDES!") Do you understand what this means? Every year he gets booed, and every year he knows this and tries to sidestep it. Doesn't anyone realize how ridiculous and sad this is for the NHL? He's the commissioner of the sport, and he is universally loathed by its most ardent fans. Why isn't he gone already? Anyway, I'm going to put a positive spin on it, and call the annual "Bettman cheer" the official start of summer!

LET'S PLAY GOLF!

(The US Open starts in approximately 6 days, 20 hours, and 9 minutes.)

DAVE TV: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP

GooTube is going to be the death of me. Every time I look on there and decide that 99.99% of it is a craptacular waste of space, I find a gem. Believe it or not, I've been looking for this clip.

Before his Late Night stint, David Letterman appeared in various sitcoms over the years (along with Jay Leno, which I remember seeing on "Good Times"). Here, Dave plays an obnoxious, abusive self-help motivational speaker named Ellsworth (of "Revitalization Konditioning" fame, apparently), on an episode from the first season of "Mork and Mindy" (1978-79).



"Perhaps you can understand this: sit down, and shut up." You have to love the word "scuzz", I haven't heard anyone use that since the 70s. And that couch is a vritual who's who of, well, something: Robin Williams, Pam Dawber, Morgan Fairchild, and Tom Poston.

Okay, if you didn't like that one, here's a classic "Late Night With David Letterman" moment from 2/28/1984: THE VELCRO SUIT!



See also:
SUIT OF ALKA-SELTZER (9/6/1984)
SUIT OF SPONGES (2/14/1985)
SUIT OF CHIPS (11/21/1985)
SUIT OF MAGNETS (11/25/1986)

WRIST SHOTS: WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT, ALFIE?

I'm assuming everyone north of the border and south of Greenland (not including Alaska) is talking about Cap'n Daniel Alfredsson's ill-timed boner* last night, in what appears to be the Ottawa Senators penultimate Stanley Cup finals loss. I saw it happen, and it was incredibly odd and absolutely intentional: with less than 10 seconds left in the he skated up across his own blue line with the puck, and instead of clearing it down the ice as time expired, he looked up at the clock and then at Niedermayer skating towards him, changed his angle, and fired it right at his legs. While I wouldn't go so far as to say "I lost a lot of respect for Alfie" (I'll leave that hyperbole to the Brett Hulls of the world), it certainly is a dick move to shoot at an opposing player like that. In turn, that probably fired up the Ducks en route to a 3-2 win in Game 4, thanks to Andy McDonald's double cheeseburger goal attack.

As for last night's broadcast, I can only assume NBC Sports hates their viewers, as they decided to put Don Cherry on during the second intermission. He said that fighting is an integral part of the NHL and management is making a big mistake trying to eradicate it in order to make it more "family friendly", as evidenced by the poor ratings in the US. "What about NASCAR? There are car crashes! The NFL? It's 'kill the quarterback'! And what about Ultimate Fighting? Gimme a break!" While I don't wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Hockey Night In Canada's stance, I have to admit that he has a point; we sure do love our violence. Personally, I don't care about ratings; as long as it's on somewhere, I'll watch it--as long as I don't have to see Don Cherry's hideous zoot suits, which looked positively frightening in HD.

The only point I'm going to make about the current state of the NHL and its "goonery" (which Kris accurately ranted about) is this: they have to be consistent with their calls and decisions, both on the ice and off. The "distinct kicking motion" rule doesn't seem to be called the same way twice, and questionable hits like Neil vs. McDonald, and blatant ones like Pronger vs. McAmmond (what's with only hitting the Irish guys?) weren't even considered to be penalties by the on-ice officials. That's a problem right there. I also think that there has to be a better way of handing out disciplinary action after the fact as well. Unfortunately, it all comes down to a judgment call on which hits are more "flagrant" than others, and it's not so clear cut in a contact sport. But how about something like this: hitting an opponent in the head ("legally" or not) = automatic 1 game suspension? Do it twice = 3 game suspension. That's a start, and it would certainly cut down on the number of concussions and these atrocious acts of headhunting.

It's a shame that this tangential stuff, along with the slightly higher but still struggling ratings, is making more news than the actual game play, as this has been a well-played series minus Pronger's and Alfredsson's respective douchebaggery. As for the dastardly Ducks, though it can't be proved, I believe they could have beaten anyone in the East including the mighty Sabres; they are much bigger and faster, and their defense is a lot deeper than previously thought, which means that haven't had to rely solely on Giguere as they did in 2003. In closing, it looks as though the Ducks are going to get this done.

* I'm trying to bring the word "boner" back, using its original meaning: a "blunder, an embarrassing mistake".

CARTOONSDAY!

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck go head-to-head in the classic Merrie Melodies cartoon "Rabbit Seasoning" from 1951. "No more for me, thanks, I'm driving!"

Bugs bunny - Rabbit Seasoning

Bugs Bunny in "Rabbit Seasoning" (1951) [Daily Motion]

MAGICAL MILESTONES (THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT CARE ABOUT)

Nostalgia is a ridiculously huge market; it seems like I can't turn around without someone reminding me of some anniversary of something, and providing a link where I can buy my memory back. Therefore here are a bunch of milestones you may have had forced down your throat this month, along with some that only I care about.

5 years ago: I got LASIK laser eye surgery (2/14/2002). Okay, it's not exactly five years ago, but I was reminded about it because I just had a checkup last week.

10 years ago: Jeff Buckley died at the age of 30 (5/29/1997), tragically drowning while taking a break from working on his second studio album.

12 years ago: I saw the aforementioned Jeff Buckley live in concert for the first time (6/1/1995), opening for Juliana Hatfield, of all people, at Tradewinds in Sea Bright, NJ. After he was done the crowd was still buzzing about his performance; perhaps sensing that he may have upstaged Juliana's set, Jeff jumped onstage during "Universal Heartbeat" and pumped his fists and dove off the stage to wake up the crowd.

15 years ago: I graduated from Villanova University (5/31/1992). Man, that was a long time ago.

20 years ago: I saw U2 on the Joshua Tree Tour, at the Brendan Byrne Meadowlands Arena, section 234, row 17 (5/16/1987). They also had the #1 single in the land that week, "With Or Without You". My friend Phil reminded me of this, as I drove us all to the show in my giant black 1975 Chevy Monte Carlo. The tickets were $16.50. (Ha!)

30 years ago: Star Wars was released (5/27/1977). Even though I was only 7 years old, I vaguely remember seeing it over the summer at the Leavitt Theater in Ogunquit, Maine. It's a shame that Lucas had to go make those 3 sh!tty prequel movies to ruin the franchise forever. I heard there was some massive geekfest out in California to mark the occasion, but I prefer this video from 5 years ago, where Triumph the Insult Comic Dog takes on the geeks on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, May 2002.


"Here's a spoiler: you will die alone." Classic.

40 years ago: The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (in the US on 6/2/1967). Though I wasn't alive for this, my dad played this album quite a lot when I was a youngster to the point where I know it backwards and forwards. BBC has some interesting stuff about this classic album on their BBC Radio 2 site. (Oasis are Beatles fans? Shocking!)

WRIST SHOTS: PRONGER WAS BORN EVIL; NEIL NEEDS TIME WITH HIS FAMILY

Apparently Pronger can't help his elbow-to-the-head behavior because according to him he doesn't "think [he] can make wholesale changes and still be the type of player [he] can be." So basically the NHL can take Pronger as the ugly dirty sob that he is, or they can't, but suspending him one game won't do a bit of difference.

I think that the 1 game suspension is total BS. I am not a Sens fan...everyone knows that I would be happy to see them lose again...even in 5 games. I have no really opinion on the Ducks either, but Pronger's second objectively very dirty play in these playoffs, where there is no possible way that there was no intent to injure, deserves more than just a game. I think Pronger should be done for the season. Of course, the NHL Disciplinary Committee is in Toronto, Pronger is Canadian...what more explanation do you need.

The NHL is [once again] showing how absolutely terrible the management of this league is. If we are to believe Brian Burke (and that's a big if), the league, Colon Campbell to be exact told him that because Chris Neil didn't injure Sean O'Donnell with a full-speed, blind-side hit into the boards, there was no reason for the league to look into it. I know that Burke's got a bone to pick, but seeing how this league has operated for the last 6 or 7 years at least...well since Bettman got in there, it wouldn't surprise me that this is their attitude...no blood, no foul. Allowing goons, even slightly talented goons like Neil, to run rampant at any time, no less in the Stanley Cup Finals is complete and utter bullshit. Chris Neil just became a daddy, why not give him a couple days off to be with his family.

I love the game of hockey, but I hate the NHL for every single mismanaged decision that they always seem to make.

Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with the Sabres underperformance. The league had nothing to do with their poor play or their ass-kicking by the Sens. There are always things to complain about, waved off goals, non-calls, etc...but nothing the league did changed the result for the Sabres. This is truly about the state of the league and the idiocy of Campbell, Bettman and the rest of the cadre of Marketeers up there in Toronto.

DRINKY DRINKY: OC'ALE BIÈRE NOIR (STOUT)

I've never been a big stout fan. While other posting-members of this blog are content to pass their evenings swilling Guinness, I usually go for Harp or something or have a Black-and-Tan or Half-and-Half when I want to join the Guinness fun.

Anyway, getting to the business at hand, after having prefaced this review as "Not-a-Stout-Fan":

Oc'Ale is brewed in LaFrançaise, Tarn-et-Garonne, France, which is basically equivalent to East Bumblefuck, Kansas by Jack Courmont. I'm pretty sure that this is more or less the same as if Wagner started selling his brews. They're definitely barn-made, each batch probably tastes slightly different and I doubt they're pasteurized. There's nothing wrong with any of this and I would rather drink 10 beers that I don't like from artisan brewers than allow one fucking AB product touch my lips.

It comes in a 50cl bottle with the manual closure, like Grolsch or Fischer. I don't fully understand the process of beer-making, Mr. Wagner, care to weigh in, but I think, if it's possible, that this continued to ferment in the bottle. A loud pop was heard upon opening and a huge number of bubbles were present after first pouring.

First sniff, holy Molasses! First taste, sweet, no sour, no sweet, no dry...umm wait. Holy christ this stuff is strange. First off it's very "light tasting" (not to be confused with Cold Tasting) on the tongue...unlike other stouts that have always given me the impression of being more than just liquid. Oc'Ale is quite watery. The first taste is extreme lemon zest to the maxxxxxx! Then get ready for the sweet and sour ride of you life. The lemon and molasses kind of compete (in an ungood way) for your attention as it passes through your mouth. I can't say that I like it, but the after taste is better than anything that precedes it...what other beer can say that. With such a dry finish, you're really only left with the taste of lemon (it's a good thing) when the beer is gone. If they notch down the lemon extract/zest in the next batch, I think this beer could really have promise...It'll still be too sweet, but you won't be blown over by the sweet and sour/tart mix that you are now.

You'll never find it in New York or Paris for that matter, but if you happen to be at my local beer store in Merignac France, pick up a bottle to try.

DRINKY DRINKY: CAIPIRINHA

It's June 1st, and in the New York City area it's already 90 freaking degrees; my continuing search for the Best Summer Brew might start a little early this year. Meanwhile, what alcoholic drink would be the best choice on a sweltering day? Should I just drink a Brooklyn Lager and pour a Bud Light down my pants? That's a tempting choice and the only practical use for an A-B product I can think of; to save money, make sure you do it during the 2-for-1 happy hour deals.

Firstly, I do know what NOT to drink. A few weeks ago, I went to an Aztec (read: expensive, trendy Mexican) restaurant in Philly, and was trying hard to avoid drinking anything containing the 465 types of tequila they had. Since I like beer and spicy food the bartender talked me into trying a michelada. Just imagine a Bloody Mary on ice, with Mexican beer instead of vodka, and with limes and salt on the rim like a margarita. Oh, the horror. GQ even suggests the chelata for a hot day (basically the same drink minus the hot sauces), but I'm just not into this trend especially because it's too salty and fruity. After I braved my way through one of those spicy mistakes I switched to the caipirinha, which was a hell of a lot more enjoyable, as didn't burn my lips at all.

Caipirinha
1⅔ fl. oz. Cachaça
½ fresh lime, cut into 4 wedges
2 teaspoons sugar

Place lime and sugar into old fashioned glass and muddle (mash the two ingredients together using a muddler or a wooden spoon). Fill the glass with crushed ice and add the Cachaça.

(Wouldn't the Muddler make a good Batman villain? But I digress.)

Considered the national cocktail of Brazil, it tasted very much like a sweeter version of vodka with lime, not quite as fruity as other tropical drinks. Cachaça is similar to rum except it's made from sugarcane juice, and not from molasses, a by-product of the sugar manufacturing process. I'm not a big rum fan, so this alternative was pretty enjoyable. Until other people find out that it's officially considered a "fancy drink" by the IBA*, I think it's safe to order one at your local Mexican restaurant that stocks cachaça, as it certainly goes well with guacamole and spicy food. If only I knew how to pronounce it correctly.

* The International Bartender's Association splits up cocktails into four categories: Before-Dinner Cocktail - Dry or Medium, After-Dinner Cocktail - Sweet, Long Drink - Collins Type, Fancy Drink - Long, medium, short. Who knew?

CARTOONSDAY!

Yeah, I'm a day behind once again (because of Memorial Day). This time it's "Falling Hare" (1943), in which a gremlin uses his "dia-bo-LICK-el sab-o-TAY-gee" to beat the living crap out of Bugs Bunny.

Merrie Melodies: Falling Hare (1943)

Bugs Bunny in "Falling Hare" (1943) [Daily Motion]

LOST SEASON 3 FINALE: LIVE BLOG! (HOUR TWO)

9:59> This blog entry is being most likely read by no one but me, so it's really just to refresh my memory when the show returns next season TO RUIN MY LIFE.
10:00> Kate was kicking ass and beating up US Marshalls in the first year, and now she wilts when Saywer tells her to piss off and keep walking to the radio tower? "Ever since you got pregnant, you've changed, Freckles."
10:01> So Jack just said, "I LOVE YOU!" to Kate. Maybe they're going steady again after all! I hope he asks her to the prom! "Did you hear she got pinned? Did she kiss him and cry?" I don't miss high school AT ALL.
10:02> FUCK! The Jack flashback continues, as Grizzly Shephard is cranking "Scentless Apprentice" by Nirvana and going to a funeral for . . . wait, who is in the coffin?
10:05> Jack and Ben, together again. I'm getting all misty.
10:09> Mikhail thankfully puts the eye patch back on (ewww), but after he snuffs out the two chicks, Dez shoots him in the chest with the spear gun! "My uncle shot me with a spear gun once . . . ONCE." Is he really dead though? Do I really care?
10:14> Ben about Naomi: "She's not who she says she is." This is about the 234th time they've said this on 3 years of LOST. This show makes my head hurt.
10:23> Charlie is the only one making sense right now . . . and he's about to die, brutha!
10:25> Danielle finally meets her daughter, Alex, and asks if she wants to help her tie her dad up. So THAT'S how it is in their family.
10:28> HURLEY AND THE LOVE BUS! He runs down The Others who were holding Bernie, Sayid and Jin captive in his Bitchin' Dharmawagen! Holy shit, that was awesome! Yes, those three were NOT shot (as I guessed) despite Ben telling Tom to do so. Sayid does this nifty leg-twist-neck-snapping thing, and Sawyer shoots Tom. The body count rises. WAR: IT'S FAAAAAN-TASTIC!
10:34> More Jack and his daddy issues. "Call him, and if he's as drunk as me . . ." Is this a competition?
10:36> I hate commercials. They waste my life.
10:40> Charlie types in the magic code: "Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations a-happ'nin' with her."



10:41> With the jammer off, Charlie talks with Penny on the telly . . . but HEEEEEERE'S MIKHAIL! He rises from the dead YET AGAIN and blows open the porthole with a grenade. I told you! He's like the Russian Terminator! "He'll find him! That's what he does! That's ALL HE DOES!"
10:43> As the room fills with water (glug glug) Chuck's final act (glug glug) before drowning (glug glug): he writes on his hand and shows Dezi "NOT PENNY'S BOAT".
10:44> Oh shit. I'm getting a very bad feeling about this.
(EDIT: I thought about this later. Why didn't Charlie just swim up out of the blown out wall?)
10:48> Ben tells Jack, "You don't know what you're doing!" I hate the fact that Ben is probably right. Danielle knocks him unconscious anyway. Ha!
10:49> So now that Charlie's turned off the underwater jamming device with his Good Vibrations, Rousseau shuts off her distress message, and Naomi gets a signal to her boat on her iPhone . . . and Locke throws a knife in her back! "My father knifed me in the back once . . . ONCE."
10:50> Locke threatens to shoot Jack if he picks up the phone but he doesn't, saying, "You weren't supposed to do this." Yeah, and I wasn't supposed to watch this. Really, blowing up submarines? Killing people with sat phones? So he really wants to stay on the island, I take it. It's nice and all, but they don't have broadband internet.
10:52> The boat has a fix on their location. The LOSTIES are excited to hear from the outside world . . . but I'm guessing this is not a good thing. Remember, they don't get off the island until the series ends in 2010!
10:54> Back to Jackland, who in his drunken state has called Kate, who meets her out by the airport--so apparently this was a flash FORWARD. Or was it a parallel universe? Or an alternate reality? My head REALLY FUCKING HURTS.
10:57> Long story short, he says he made a mistake, and that maybe they shouldn't have been saved. And we still don't know who was in the coffin, but it's someone Kate also knows, and whose funeral she wouldn't go to (Locke? Ben?). Also, Oceanic apparently gave him a Golden Pass to apologize for the "crash" (or are they in PURGATORY, man???), which he uses to get drunk ALL OVER THE WORLD. Aim high, brutha!
10:58> As Kate drives away to go back to whomever she's with (Sawyer? Ben?), Jack screams, "WE HAVE TO GO BACK! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!"
10:59> And I have to go to sleep! At least the Yankees beat the Sawks, that's the only thing I know FOR SURE ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
11:00> I just remembered that LOST doesn't return for another 8 months. SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY, LOSTIES! Only 48 episodes to go!

God damn this show.

LOST SEASON 3 FINALE: LIVE BLOG!

9:00> Welcome to my live blog of the Season 3 finale of LOST. Will it give us more questions than answers? You be the judge!
9:01> We start with a Jack flashback. Crap. You might as well erase about 10 uninteresting minutes from the show. But I love Jack's fake playoff hockey beard. Seriously, that's not a good look for anyone.
9:03> And . . . cue Jack crying. Man, he's cried a lot this season.
9:04> Iron & Wine, don't jump! He doesn't, obviously, because this is a flashback. Duh.
9:05> Is there an unlimited supply of Dharma platinum blonde hair dye for Juliet?
9:07> "License To Wed" looks like a shitbomb. Robin Williams must die. I feel sorry for Jim from The Office for choosing that script.
9:10> Hey, how did they get an iPhone on the island already?
9:12> I guess hobbits are good swimmers, because Charlie is still alive. But the functional underwater station is manned by two women (womanned?). At least he's getting tuned up by a hottie.
9:14> So Ben just found out that Juliet is a mole . . . and sends in his henchmen (I love that name--what's a hench anyway?) to go kablooey anyway?
9:20> "Did they blow up 3 tents, or only 2? Well, to tell you the truth I kind of lost track in all the excitement. Let me ask a question: do you feel lucky, punk?" The three get captured after killing 7 Others with the TNT. I believe this is Sayid's 14th time getting captured so far.
9:21> Rose has the line of the show so far: "Jack, if you say 'Live together, die alone' I'm punching you in the face." Do it now!
9:25> As Sayid and Jin keep their mouths shut about Jack and the LOSTIES' whereabouts, Bernard spills the beans. Bernie, you are a douche.
9:26> Pixar's first dud?
9:28> Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than "The Suitcase Opening Show" . . . it's "National Bingo Night" on ABC. IT'S BINGO . . . TO THE EXTREEEEEEME!!! Not only does this show exist, YouTube already has the commercial. This country is retarded.
9:30> Ben is a real bitch when he's angry. I still don't quite understand the whole "Jacob's haunted house" thing from a few weeks ago, but that's not important right now.
9:31> Sawyer & Kate having a lover's quarrel. "Ever since you killed that con man is cold blood, you've CHANGED!" No, she didn't say that, but she did say, "Since when are you calling me Kate?" I don't understand how these people are so emotionally connected to each other--what, have they known each other for about 90 days? And Sawyer & Kate have only gotten close in the past month since she split up with Jack. It's like frigging high school.
9:33> I have to say, Charlie is making me laugh tonight. They should tie him to a chair every week.
9:39> Dr. Unabomber is a stubborn prick. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? Stop the flashback, I want to get off.
9:41> Saywer's going "Back To The Beach" with Annette, Frankie and Pee Wee. The bird is the word!



9:42> Actually, he's going back to the beach with Juliet. A hidden cache of guns? Juliet is just filled with juicy info. How about a HIDDEN HOVERCRAFT SO WE CAN END THIS SHOW?
9:44> Ben says "Everything I've done, I've done for the island . . . with love." Everything sounds funny when you add "with love".
9:50> Oh, Juliet was lying but they're going to beach anyway.
9:53> It only took an hour, but we have our first LOCKE sighting, and he's a gun totin' cripple!
9:55> It's a 27 year old WAAAAAALT! (It's not the same without Michael yelling it.) He's almost as tall as Walt Frazier now, and tells Locke to get up and stop whining.

HOUR TWO COMING UP!

Meanwhile, this The Office Primetime Preview is hilarious:



Dwight: Water is incredibly overrated, both as a beverage and as an element. First of all, it has no taste, and fire is much more destructive. You've never heard of water burning down a building.

CARTOONSDAY!

I'm a day behind this week, so here's "Fair Haired Hare" (1950) starring Bugs Bunny.

As Rob stated: "The problem with golfing on Monday is that it makes everything I do the rest of the week seem utterly pointless." So true.

BUGS BUNNY&SAM-FAIR HAIRED HARE

WRIST SHOTS: CAN'T TOUCH THIS

I watched the end of the Ducks/Red Wings what a wild ending as the Ducks held on to win 4-3. Chris "Wily Veteran" Chelios even craftily squeezed a stick under his armpit to draw a hooking call in the final few minutes, but Giggy was able to stop all incoming shots to once again send his team to the finals.

I also got to see this game in glorious HD last night and it looked great (though not as good as MSGHD). For some reason VersusHD is not even listed on Cablevision's channel lineup (and for some reason the douche bags that run the cable company will never tell you), so I had to hear through various forums that Versus/Golf Channel HD was going to be added Channel 719 sometime this week. So we get it just in time for the end of the hockey season, not in time for the NBC debacle on Saturday, and for most of the golf season. Why does CV keep these channel additions a secret? Don't you think they'd put it on the website somewhere that they've added new HD channels, with more on the way? Are they making so much money that they don't even care if they get new subscribers? Never mind, I think I answered my own question.

The Stanley Cup finals start Monday night, and I'm going to make my blognostication right now. Since these are two pretty evenly matched teams, both with 48 wins in the regular season, one with the scoring edge (Sens) and the other with the goaltending edge (Ducks), it's very hard to decide. Therefore I will base my pick on one simple observation: some team captains are so superstitous that they refuse to touch the trophy awarded to them when they win their conference. Take a look at these pictures of captains Daniel Alfredsson and Scott Niedermeyer with their respective awards:

Since Alfie touched it, and Nieds steadfastly refused to (an approach that has worked for him not once, not twice, but THRICE), I'm going to give the nod to the Los Angeles Flightless Waterfowl of Anaheim.

Ducks in 6.

WRIST SHOTS: LOOK OUT! DUCK!

* I've never seen a team dominate a game as much as Detroit did in Game 5 against the Ducks AND STILL LOSE. It seemed like they were on the PP for the entire 2nd period, but when the Ducks weathered the storm and made it deep into the 3rd period only down 1-0 it was anyone's game. Sure enough, they scored with 37 seconds left when Scott "Ol' Greybeard" Niedermeyer's shot deflected off a defenseman's stick and over Hasek for the tying goal; they sealed the win in OT on a giveaway right in front of the net that Selanne intercepted and flipped into the top of the net. It could be all over for the Red Wings tonight in the Honda Pond.

Fun fact: Duck netminder Jean-Sebastien Giguere is now 12-1 in OT in the playoffs. Yikes!

* What else can be said about the Buffalo Sabres? They were invincible in the regular season, and invisible in the playoffs--a monumental disappointment. While the offense was listless and shut down by Ottawa's solid D, Ryan Miller seemed like the only player to ratchet up his game for the postseason (that stick save in OT is as good as any you'll ever see). Chris Drury was also outstanding, taking a puck to the mouth and 11 stitches and still coming back to play. If they lose him or Briere to free agency in the offseason, it should be interesting to see if this team can still be as formidable next year. I like their chances.

*Finally, a huge FUCK YOU to NBC Sports for NOT SHOWING THE OVERTIME of the OTT/BUF game, instead deciding to show a pointless hour and a half of pre-race horse nonsense as Versus showed the remainder of the game. It was a minor annoyance for me (flipping from an HD to an SD channel), but what about hockey fans that don't have Versus at all? It's no wonder every major sport (NBA, MLB, NFL, arena football) has dumped them over the years, because they just don't get it. Yes, you've made it perfectly clear that it's all about ratings and not about sports, but this is completely unacceptable. Just stick to your insufferable Olympics telecasts.

I'VE GOT A CASE OF THE MONDAYS

I've got a case of the Mondays, even though it's a Tuesday, since I took off yesterday to play golf. I tried to think of something to blog but I got nothing, just have a bunch of brief thoughts that I don't feel like expounding on.

* The Yankees desperate move of signing Roger Clemens, coupled with their circus-like announcement of it indicates that their dynasty in the American League East is officially over. Someone likened this to something that would happen in wrestling: "CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCKET'S COOKING?" But Yankee radio announcer Suzyn Waldman's ridiculous reaction to it (look for the Roger's BACK audio link on the right) made me almost throw up from laughter. No matter how many times I say "RAWGER CLEMENS IS IN GEORGE'S BAWKS!", it's still funny. Of all the dramatic things she's seen? I guess all those dramatic World Series moments can't possibly beat that. Oh well, the Yanks had a good run.

* It's also over for Tony Soprano. I'm done watching the show, and I'm done complaining about it. Here's my blognostication as the show limps to the finale: AJ kills himself, Phil kills Paulie (Silvio, or anyone in NJ), Tony kills Phil, Carmela kills Tony. The end! Please pay your toll on the way outta Jersey.

Seriously, I think Carmela killing Tony in the final ep, and making it look like an accident, would be awesome. She's been defending him for so many years now, and it's all going to come to head when she finally realizes that she's married to pure evil, and she'll kill him with the new $10,000 espresso machine. Or he'll "accidentally drown in the pool", as his ducks from the first episode land in the water next to him. Or maybe everyone all die in a massive explosion, or their plane crashes on a mysterious island in the South Pacific. I just don't care that much anymore.

* Believe it or not, I'm trying to cut down on caffeine. I tried the new Starbucks Komodo Dragon, and it actually tastes pretty good for a decaf. But it really attacks my bowels even moreso than their other coffees, so I've renamed it "The Commode Dragon".

* I actually missed "LOST", "The Sopranos" and the final episode of "Heroes" this week. Why, you ask? Because I was at the bar all three nights! Yeah, I should probably spend a little less time and money there.

WORD OF THE WEEK: JETÉ

je·té (zhuh-tay)

[n.] A leap in ballet in which one leg is extended forward and the other backward.
[French, from past participle of jeter, to throw, from Old French.]

Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, after retrieving a grounder deep in the hole to his right, instead of the normal plant-and-throw he performs a unique jeté as he hurls the ball to the first baseman, sometimes called the "Jeter Jump".

This seems to happen much too early and often: interleague baseball this weekend, Yankees @ Mets. I say the Yanks take 2 of 3. Why not?

I just found out that Tom Glavine is an excellent golfer (shot a 79 at Manhattan Woods on Wednesday), a lefty who swears a lot on the course--just like me (2 out of 3, anyway)!

THURSDAY HANGOVER

It's Thursday and I'm hungover. I didn't plan this (who does?) but the electricity was out at my apartment after some strong storms blew through the area yesterday afternoon. What was I going to do, sit in the candlelight and read a book/write that novella I've been putting off/play strip solitare, while waiting for the power to come back on? I pondered my alternatives, and of course "golf" and "beer" kept popping up. So I threw the clubs in the car and headed towards Nyack, and since it started to rain on the way to the driving range, I just headed straight to Bourbon Street. As I drove into town the traffic light was out, but the bar was lit up like a shining alcoholic beacon. For some reason, they are on a part of the electrical grid that never loses power. Thank god for that.

Somewhere between the first and second shots of Jameson I drank (also not planned), the power came on at the bank across the street, which I decided was an advantageous time to drain my checking account. I was about to cross Main Street when an attractive young girl in a huge black SUV rolled down the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you know how to get to Lace?" About 1000 different things popped into my head at that moment (most of them not safe for work) as I tried to come up with an appropriate response. Here are a few of them:

"The directions are complicated, I wouldn't be able to tell you. How about I hop in and show you?"

"Lace? You look like you belong at Stiletto."

"Why? Are you working there tonight?"

"Just a warning: if you're going to Lace, you're wearing waaaay too much."

"I was just headed there! Mind if I ride with you?"

"Funny you should ask, because I'm the one holding the auditions! But because of the power outages, we're recruiting new talent at Bourbon Street."

So what did I actually say? Uhm, I merely gave her directions. I'm so stupid.

CARTOONSDAY!

What else can be said about the classic "Racketeer Rabbit" (1946)? The Edward G. Robinson characature is hilarious, and Bugs is at his best.

"It's curtains for you, Mugsy, CURTAINS!" "Oh, they're adorable . . . "

Bugs Bunny - Racketeer Rabbit

This organized crime satire is way better than "The Sopranos".

"THE OFFICE" SEASON FINALE QUIZ

"I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. It's all I've ever wanted to do."

Just a random quote from "The Office" last week, to get psyched for Thursday's finale. According to the commercials NBC thinks all its viewers care about this, so allow me to ask: What will Jim say to Pam's crazy post-coal walking outburst?

a) "I transferred to the Stamford branch because you're a crazy bitch who doesn't know what she wants. But that means you're probably great in the sack, so maybe I made the wrong decision."

b) "I am such a sensitive person, so I want to say that I miss you too, while my eyes well up with tears and I smirk a little bit. And I didn't want that big corporate job in the city that Karen is going to take anyway. So now I can stay in Scranton forever with you, which will make the chicks who watch this show even happier! Now help me find a way to talk Dwight into removing his pants in a comical fashion, and everything will be fine."

c) "Well, things are going great with me and Karen. But we have been talking about getting a threesome together . . . "

d) "Uhm, what?"