I don't know if Gary Roberts will singlehandedly beat the Red Wings tonight in Game 3, but this tribute song/video to him is hilarious.
"When Gary Roberts plays Monopoly, it actually effects the world economy!"
We've made it quite clear in the past they we kinda hate marketers. However, there is a form of life that falls below a marketing agent and that would be a consultant in marketing! Anyway, I don't know anything about Ms. Corlett or WSL Strategic Retail, but I do know that this quote from a NY Times story about deflation in consumer clothing perfectly epitomizes the "if you're in marketing go kill yourself" tag.
During a survey of shoppers in November, 60 percent of the respondents said they had recently begun to stop and reconsider clothing purchases before buying. “To me, that is the scariest thing for retail going forward, because that is a new habit,” Ms. Corlett said.[NYTIMES]
Comedian Harvey Korman has passed away at the age of 81. He was an incredibly funny man and will be missed. At least we have his great movies and appearances on The Carol Burnett Show to remember him by.
Now pledge allegiance to Hedy LaMarr!
Sorry, that's HEDLEY.
The WHL's Spokane Chiefs beat the OHL's Kitchener Rangers to win the 2008 Memorial Cup, awarded to the best Canadian Junior League Hockey team. But the biggest issue is not that they're not from Canada; the mishap that follows might be the most hilarious celebration I've ever seen.
The look on their faces are priceless. Even better: it was brought to you live on the NHL Network!
DEAR PARIS:
A: Moshing is dead.
1. Moshing was invented in the late 70s or early 80s and was usually practiced by dead-beat punk-rock fans with nothing to lose.
2. Moshing was perfected by my generation around 1996 (there is some schools of thought that believe it's pinnacle was at Homerpalooza in Syracuse in July 1996).
3. Moshing fell out of favor and died in the early 2000s.
4. It is now 2008, there is no reason for you to be practicing this archaic art-form.
5. If you must mosh, do so at any of the "teen-friendly" acts, such as Hannah Montana or Justin Timberlake. Mature acts such as the Black Keys are for adults to go and have fun at, not dodge (or elbow) 15 year old juvie escapees.
Sincerely,
Your Superiors
(/Grampa Simpson)
The worst part of the Black Keys show was this horde of 15-18 year-olds who decided to mosh at the exact point (~10 feet in front of Dan) that we were standing. At least a couple of them got elbowed in the jaw and lost teeth and/or got crowd-surfed right onto their heads.
This show was fucking excellent. I got to Paris at around 3pm on Tuesday afternoon. Took the Metro to my buddy Alex's apartment and pulled a bottle of JD out of my bag. We had our first whiskey by 3:30 and in the next two-and-a-half hours, we finished 1/2 a bottle between us and while smoking cigarillos. A bite to eat and right to The Bataclan for Akron Ohio's own BLACK KEYS!
They had two opening acts, which dragged on for a bit, although the drummer (who unfortunately seems to like pants) for the second group (the Ettes) was lovely.
Finally around 9pm (after a 7pm start!) The Unabomber's brother and his drummer-accomplice
took the stage. I don't know exactly what the play list was (they mixed in some good old stuff "10AM Automatic," "Stack-Shot Billy," "The Breaks"), but basically it was non-stop rock'n'roll for 20 minutes, followed by "You're the One" followed by non-stop rock'n'roll for another 30 minutes. Break. Encore of "Psychotic Girl" and "I Got Mine". Thank you, good night and by 11pm we were drinking beer in a bar. These boys really know how to rock. I expected the show to be more bluesy and while the blues are always there, Dan's concert guitar work is fucking hard and brilliant and in the manner that he beats on his Gibson, it's obvious that he learned a few things about beating objects from Ike Turner before his snowy train-ride to hell.
I tried to take a few pictures with the Blackberry, but the image quality is pretty damn shitty (and no video is available nor sound recording with "The Pearl"). I'll be monitoring the youtubes for videos from Bataclan that I'll pop up here if I find one.
All-in-all a great show and I would not hesitate to go seem them again. Now I have to decide if I'm going to drop 70E to see Tom Waits at The Grand Rex Theatre at the end of July.
[UPDATE]
"Stack Shot Billy" from last night (27 may 2008) with necessary shit-sound.
"Your Touch" - Sound is terrible as well
WTF happened to the "marquee matchup" we were supposed to get?
The Stanley Cup finals just started, but they already feel like they're over. They've only played two games in Detroit but it's already apparent who is the better team. I think Sidsburgh's ill-fated goal-free visit to Hockeytown can be summed up by Flipper's deal-sealing goal in last night's 3-0 Game 2 win.
The Red Wings have outshot, outworked, and outplayed the Penguins in every facet of the game. While Crosby has been working hard, Maklin has been invisible (being put on the 3rd line last night surely didn't help), the D has been spotty and mistake-prone, and Bloomin' Marc once again looks like his ordinary self.
Detroit is a talented team, there's no denying that. But man, once they get a lead they clamp down with that trap just as severely as the those NJ Devils Cup winning teams everyone complains about. I don't have a rooting interest here so I just want to see some great hockey (and I'm just hoping for a long series, which has all but slipped away) but that 3rd period in Game 1, and most of Game 2, was nearly impossible to watch.
Sure, it's only two games and a lot can still happen in this series (he said optimistically), but it turns out that the Campbell Conference competitors are simply stronger. I'd feel better if the Penguins played two well-played, close-fought games at the Joe, but that clearly hasn't happened. Nah, the Pens had a good run through the East (they certainly fooled me), but this is over. Now Western Pennsyltuckians can focus on the Pirates--D'OH!
Anyone for golf?
Yes, I know, generally picking your choice for the winner happens before the series starts. Last round I sent my picks in after the Wings had beat Dallas in game 1 (although I still picked Dallas to win that series). I went a stunning 0-2 in the last round and 1-3 in the previous round. Therefore, my picks mean absolutely nothing.
I am going with the Wings. The Pittsburgh fans bug me to no end with their hero-worship and we're-better-than-youisms. Sidney Christ will most likely bring the cup to Pittsburgh sometime in the near future, but that time isn't now.
WINGS IN 5
I do know the wings won game 1.
Soooo . . . who won the Stanley Cup? That should be over by now, right? What? It's not? Sources tell me the Stanley Cup Finals between the Detroit Red Wings and the Pittsburgh Penguins starts tonight! Keeping with the Indy theme here on the blog, I stole the excellent Photoshop poster at left from the hilarious Pensblog: Quest for the Holy Grail. Sidney grew that "beard" a month ago merely to look like Harrison Ford's scruffy Indy character. It's all making sense now.Sid the Kid, the return of Don Cherry, the old Flyers uniforms, Montreal self-combusting, the four-OT game, Bucci and Barry, Chris Osgood clipping the dude with the butt of his stick, HD telecasts, a Wings-Pens Finals ... I have to admit, I'm enjoying the NHL playoffs. No, really. I even figured out how to find the games on my cable system and everything.Uh huh. Naturally, he had to get a sideways jab at VERSUS in there. This is the same Beantown douche who wrote off the league a few years ago when the Bruins were in the dumpster. Suddenly, they're in the playoffs and he's watching again? Fuck off, Boston Sports Guy. Oh, and Giants 17, Pats 14.
Just one word of advice when drinking this Memorial Day weekend: don't turn into a Girl Drink Drunk.
Chocolate Choo-choo! Tastes like candy!
I came across this mixed drink recipe, and it's quite possibly the most awful drink I've ever heard of.
Baltimore Zoo
1 shot vodka
1 shot light rum
1 shot gin
1 shot triple sec
1 shot Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1 shot grenadine syrup
1 dash sweet and sour mix
1 splash beer
Add the liquors and grenadine to a highball glass with ice. Top off with sweet and sour mix, add a splash of beer, and stir.
Uggggggghhhhhhh. Not only must it be awful to drink, it's also incredibly, unabashedly gay! If you order this at a bar you deserved to get cockpunched.
If I had a dime for every "swimsuit-model-turned-actress" there's ever been, I'd have a whole shitload of dimes. How many swimsuit-models-turned-actresses have won the Oscar? Zero. That's why next year they should have an award for Best Swimsuit Model Turned Actress; I might actually tune in.
Since the unofficial start of the summer season, Memorial Day, is upon us, what better time to declare your hatred for pants and sport that bikini, ladies? Here's SI swimsuit model Michelle Lombardo who has acted in something or other, probably.
She's got that smile that says, "You know, I don't really HATE pants, but I really prefer not to wear them, you know?"
Michelle Lombardo [#59 on AskMen's 2008 Top 99 Women]
Since it's Indy 4th here in the States (which should be a national hoilday, but whatever), I decided to post the first in a series of tributes to video games that I spent a lot of time playing as a kid. These meant a lot to me growing up, and effected me in some way, probably negatively.
I had the Raiders of the Lost Ark videogame for the Atari 2600 back in 1982. Right off the bat, it was hard to understand and seemed to have very little to do with the movie. As I recall I could only get as far as the Map Room and couldn't figure it out what to do next. This game just made me feel like a dummy. This marked the first time a video game was so confounding that I couldn't solve it (I would later add many games to that list). But since there was no "internet" to help you walkthrough the game, you had to rely on word of mouth and some abstract logic to solve it.
Here's a helpful video guide showing someone beating this classic craptacular puzzle game in real time. I know you've all been waiting for this.
* The inventory system was pretty groundbreaking at the time, listing all the objects you were carrying along the bottom of the screen. Here it looks like Indy picks up his bullwhip, gun, flute (to charm the snakes, duh), key, grenade, clock, hourglass, an ankh, and all sorts of other things I can't remember. You could only use one at a time, though. The other thing that was irksome: the icon on the screen frequently looked different than the inventory icon (pile of coins becomes a sack), so you had to be paying attention.
* I love how back then a grenade was just a single pixel (0:53), and you didn't even get to see the explosion, you only heard an off-screen "beep". Nowadays, videogame grenades are photorealistic and can be used to blow yourself up in spectacular ways in Liberty City.
* Using the grappling hook (yes, that's what that blue circling dot is at 2:40) to get across the desert mesa tops was maddening.
* Ah, then there's the Map Room (3:30). No, not the amazing Chicago beer bar, but the crappy pixelated one that told you where to dig for the Ark of the Covenant. The most excruitating thing about this board was that, just like in the movie, you had to wait for the "sun" to point to the proper place. And wait. And wait. Here it takes well over 2 minutes (FF to 5:38) for the little flashing dot to pop up on the map. Just imagine a 12 year old just sitting and staring at the screen for that long! I didn't have the patience (or probably thought the game was broken) so this is where I stopped.
* You then to avoid the "thieves" in the marketplace who would steal your loot (a board that suspiciously resembled "Frogger") to the Black Market (6:22) to buy a shovel. That's right, guns and grenades are readily available in garbage cans 15 seconds into the game, but shovels are treated as illegal contraband.
* I also love how the bullwhip can break through walls (7:18) which I never knew was possible, and which certainly didn't happen in the movie.
* For some reason he buys three parachutes (8:55)? You lost me. (I guess you could miss and have to buy another, but he makes it on the first try.)
* Now to the convoluted endgame: with the ankh in hand, you have to parachute down to the tree limb, avoid more "thieves" and dig at the proper spot (9:23). Voila! There's the Ark! Come to think of it, it's easier to accomplish here than in the movie.
This guide explains everything up to the Map Room.
What a bizarre little puzzle game this was.
(I realize that I'm the only one who cares about this stuff. Yes, I'm queer for Indy.)
Raiders of the Lost Ark video game [Wikipedia]
Since most of the time I'm on this blog making fun of the NHL's lousy commercials, this time I'm posting one they got right:
That's fantastic.
Penguins in 6.
Since playoff hockey doesn't resume until Saturday, and I don't feel compelled to write about anything else (good thing I don't get paid for this), here's a T-shirt from Thinkgeek that I like.
Meh. It's a t-shirt.
It's finally here!
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will be in theaters on May 22. I have already declared my geekdom for all things Indy, as you might remember. While others might soak up every last drop of news and reviews, I refuse to read anything before seeing it in the theater because I want to go into it fresh and without any preconceptions. Because of the worldwide interwebs, everything gets spoiled and you can't possibly avoid hearing bits and pieces about it (NY Daily News gave it 4 out of 5 stars! The Onion is already making pithy jokes!) but I'm going to try my hardest to filter it all out, akin to shutting my eyes so my face doesn't melt.
So what exactly is a crystal skull? I'm glad you asked. Allegedly, they are pre-Columbian Mesoamerican (Mayan or Aztec) artifacts made of clear or milky quartz carved into the shape of a skull, purported by some to have paranormal powers. Several skulls have been found that were thought to have been authentic, but have later been determined to be of more modern origin (the two main ones, British Museum Skull and the Mitchell-Hedges Skull have dubious backstories). However, I predict that ace archaeologist Dr. Jones will find a real one with psychic healing powers that gives anyone who comes into contact with it eternal happiness, provides the Secrets of the Universe, and as a helpful side effect, eradicates Communism from the planet (not necessarily in that order).
Regardless, it will be impossible to watch this movie without thinking of those that came before it. However, I'm going to be realistic; as I said before, while it can't possibly beat the unrelenting fun of the original Raiders, I hope it will at least be better than the Temple of Doom.
What will today's teenagers think of this latest movie? I'm guessing that because of its nostalgic appeal and old fashioned adventure style that it's not going to be as embraced by that demographic as readily as the first two movies were. It doesn't have the smash 'em up CGI action of a Transformers, the comic book badassery of Batman or Iron Man, or the mystical magic of a Narnia or Harry Potter. However, when I was that age I ate this shit up; fittingly, my 9 and 11 year old nieces were intrigued by Raiders when I turned it on during USA's marathon a few weekends ago, so there is hope for them. Though, I would prefer it if the youngsters weren't in the theater bothering me this weekend. I don't want anything to get between me and my enjoyment of Indiana Jones, dammit. If I had a lawn, I'd yell at them to stay off of it.
Here's the trailer for the movie, which is pretty much all I know about it.
(What? No Nazis? I guess Cold War Commies are a fitting substitution.)
I have to admit, Ben Stiller has not done much for me lately; he kind of lost me after the completely unnecessary Meet The Fockers. However, this (red line/R-rated) trailer for Tropic Thunder, a new action/comedy he wrote/directed, is pretty damn funny.
And now for something completely different: a book review. I recently read DIARIES 1969-1979: The Python Years by Michael Palin, a weighty tome (over 600 pages) of entries from his personal diaries. The bulk of the book is quite dry, and some of it is probably only meant for his own family to recollect, but much of the behind the scenes creative stuff is interesting for a Monty Python fan like myself.
Some things I learned:
* Michael seemed to be the most level-headed, sensible, and family-oriented of the bunch. I mean, the man went home and wrote a diary most days, so you're not going to find any really wild groupie stories here.
* There didn't seem to be any rampant drug use amongst the six Python members, just a lot of drinking and some occasional smoking of weed. Maybe he didn't really see most of what when on (he was and is devoted to his wife and kids), but I found that rather surprising considering their absurdist senses of humor.
* There were two main camps in Python: Eric and John, and Michael and Terry J, who were regular squash partners. Terry G did his own thing, and Graham Chapman's major allies were gin and tonic (always late for Python writing meetings, he suffered a nervous breakdown before filming Life of Brian and was told at the start of 1978 to never drink again).
* Though Michael doesn't really have a bad word to say about any of his colleagues, John Cleese comes off as an insufferable, arrogant asshole. The eldest and most selfish of the group, he basically wanted nothing to do with the Python show on BBC after the first two seasons, even before Channel 13 in New York premiered the show in US in April 1975 (he left after season 3). Never joining them on publicity tours in the States, he was content to make money on voice over and commercial work, and while writing Life of Brian he basically declared that the movie had better make him a lot of money. He was driving a Rolls Royce at the time, and in the midst of splitting up with his first of three wives, Connie Booth.
Of course, he is very good as a pitchman, as evidenced by the Compaq commercials that ran during the 1984 Olympics.
* Beatle George Harrison was a huge fan, and even had the group re-record "The Lumberjack Song" at his studio. He also appeared onstage with them (uncredited and unannounced) during a Live At City Center stage show in NYC in February 1975.
Here are a few great sketches featuring Michael Palin.
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS - ARGUMENT SKETCH
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS - CHEESE SHOP
The guys at MYFO like to make up elaborate certain conversations; like the one in the Modano/Ford marital bed or what Offspace would have been if it took place in Canada. This is a great idea because 1) fact-checking takes much less time and 2) It's even easier to make fun of Gary Bettman.
Anyway, some say mimicry is the best form of flattery. All I know is it's easier to steal MYFO's idea than it is to come up one of my own.
NHL.com. If you knew [the Philadelphia/Pittsburgh] series was going to end with Sidney Christ going home, would you do something different?It's a start. Hopefully, it's be funnier in the future.
COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: No. I always hate to speculate about what might happen. So even my mere answering your perfectly appropriate question would suggest that we even think in those terms.
But depending on how these series end, we have a variety of contingency plans that deal with whether or not we would waive the trade deadline to allow Malkin and Crosby to play on a finals team.
Q. Very well said.
COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: Thank you (smiling).
[...]
Q. Going forward, is there any talk about expansion, especially some potentially attractive markets out there, Las Vegas, Mexico City?
COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: There are expressions of interest that we've been getting from a variety of places, Vegas, Cancun, Istanbul. We're looking into a number of different methods to attain maximal market saturation using a push-pull method of expansion through traditional and non-traditional consumer outreach.
Did you know that GOOOOOOOL! is Spanish for "goal" in hockey too?!?
[...]
Q. Is it important to have goalies on the goalie equipment committee?
COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: That was actually our thinking. Since our formally-binding decision may slightly affect their job, we felt the least we could do was allow goalies the impression of a involvement. Off the record, you realize we don't really care. The market will determine if they keep their pads or if we decide that the best move would involve Reebok...umm...RBK, working up some kind of "jogging pant" and a sort of T-shirt that would allow the true skill of the player to been seen.
Q. There's been a significant amount of criticism over the refereeing in this year's post season. How do you respond to these critics?
COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: I honestly haven't heard any more misplaced critiques than you tend to hear each post-season. As you know, the hockey fan-base is the absolute best in the world and when a team loses, there will always been certain kind of fan who will never be happy with the result.
Additionally, we are seeing the rise of unprecedented levels of blogging and everyone knows that while bloggers on a basic level are good, they are not true professionals. You mustn't confuse what these jobless folks do in their mother's basements and what the true heros do in the War Room in Toronto.
I don't know who Misa Campo is, and I don't care. All I know is she's 50% Phillipino, 50% Dutch, and 100% hot.
It also appears that she hates pants and steadfastly refuses to wear them.
LET'S GO HABS! (Whoops, too late.)
Yeah, I'm exhausted after that too.
Misa Campo [MySpace site]
Official Site
Okay, this is the last time I'm going to say it: I'm so sick of people crying about the officiating in the playoffs.
Everyone sitting in their living room that has a huge HD screen providing them multiple camera angles and instant replays, as well as those watching NHL.TV on their computers and awful-quality replays on YouTube, obviously know better than the trained professionals who are watching the game in real time, skating up and down the ice, and communicating directly with the players and coaches to try to insure the two teams are playing a clean game. Give me a break.
Much has been made about "goalie interference" in this postseason. Here's the main problem with this infraction: despite what you might think, it's no longer a black and white "in the crease or not" foul, it's a judgment call that depends on the interpretation of the referee. Here's an excerpt from Rule 78: Protection of Goalkeeper:
The rule is based on the premise that an attacking player's position,
whether inside or outside the crease, should not, by itself, determine whether a
goal should be allowed or disallowed - i.e., goals scored while attacking
players are standing in the crease may, in appropriate circumstances be allowed.
Goals should be disallowed only if: (1) an attacking player, either by his
positioning or by contact, impairs the goalkeeper's ability to move freely
within his crease or defend his goal; or (2) an attacking player initiates more
than incidental contact with a goalkeeper, inside or outside of his goal
crease.
