HAPPY ROCKTOBER!

Dammit, it's time to rock.

The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. That's what I said.



Spinal Tap - Big Bottom (1982) [YouTube]

WEEKLY TOP 10: BECAUSE KRIS HATES TOP 10 LISTS

10. I put a mirror in my living room so I can quickly poke my head out of the kitchen while I'm cooking to see what's on TV. This was a genius move, and I don't know why it took me 6 years of living in my apartment to figure this out.

9. Kris put up a fuckatively funny post the other day which made me think about, among other things, the Rotten Tomatoes "Tomatometer" ratings. Regardless of the fact that he didn't like "Knocked Up", I think we should use the percentages to pay the actors for their work. For example, if someone signs a $1 million contract to star in a flick, a 87% rating would net them 87% of that amount ($870,000), while a 3% rating would earn them only $30,000. That's still decent pay day, and they could also get a percentage of the box office receipts if they so choose, but it would make actors think twice before agreeing to make a piece of shit movie.

8. There's officially no difference in value between the US dollar and the Canadian loonie, as US$1.00000 now equals C$1.00507. I guess the Quebecois strippers won't be getting my money after all--they're probably all Russians anyway.

7. It's Halloween candy buying time, and it's already an undisputed fact that Brach's makes the best candy corn; it's not open for debate. But I discovered that they also make a fantastic "caramel candy corn", which I give 9 thumbs up.

6. I'm not sure why I didn't look into this before: Planet Fitness only charges $10 a month (after a $59 initiation fee, at the newly opened Nanuet location). Wow, I was paying $57 at my previous gym before I quit. Plus, they're open 24 hours on the weekdays, so I can run on the treadmill at 2 AM! Finally! Okay, maybe not. I'll still hate the gym, but the lower price will make it much less painful.

5. Here's a fantastic golf story. Bruce Crampton, who had a reputation as being a bit ornery, was partnered at a pro-am with a woman. At the beginning of the round she told him that a friend bet her $10 that he wouldn't say 5 words to her all day. His response was: "Sorry lady, you lose". He didn't speak to her again. A perfect demonstration of douchebaggery if I've ever heard one.

4. The season premiere of HEROES featured one of the more egregious product placements that I've ever seen. When dropping off Claire at her new cliche-ridden high school (the head cheerleader is so mean to newbies!), the camera sweeps across the front bumper of the family car in such a way that not only can we tell it's a NISSAN their driving, but it fills my entire widescreen HDTV and obscures the actors. Then he hands her the keys and she excitedly shrieks, "The Rogue?!?" Uhm, the what? Why, it's the new NISSAN Rogue crossover vehicle, which 3 identical commercials in a row informed us several minutes later. The trade-off for less ads is more NISSAN logos shoved in your face during the show? Pretty disgusting.

3. I read this with alarm: ad blocking plug-ins like AdBlock might be illegal. Fuck you, internet advertisers, I'll block ads in Firefox if I want to. The only thing that incessant web ads do is make me NOT want to buy your product (or tune into your show, like NBC's Chuck). You know what I hate? Those irritating Lowermybills.com ads with some dancing thing on it telling me I can easily put my house into foreclosure RIGHT FROM MY COMPUTER! Ugh.

2. Tiger Woods will be playing this weekend in the "USA vs. The Others" Presidents Cup. I guess I'll tune in, but I'm honestly worn out after the "playoffs". So since that's over, is this like the PGA equivalent of the Pro Bowl?

1. AMAZON has finally announced its online digital music download service called, well, AMAZONmp3. There are several things that make it better than iTunes: the tracks are DRM-free to use on any player, nice sounding 256kbps mp3s, the tracks are always cheaper (ranging from $0.49-$0.99), and you get a discount for buying the entire album at once. It's just been released into public beta and several record companies haven't signed on, but the selection is growing every day. Very promising, and a welcome alternative to the iAppleTunes.

BETTMAN SUCKS: SELLING HOCKEY BY THE POUND

Welcome to my first (of what will most likely be many) hockey post that will illustrate just how much NHL commissioner Gary Bettman sucks. Hot on the heels of the NHL's "let's make the jerseys a little more gay", here's another brilliant marketing ploy: NHL's trip to England about selling the game.

This weekend, the NHL is forcing the Ducks and Kings to play two games in England in order to "sell the game" to people in the UK who can't even watch the regular season. Fantastic. What's the reason? "We have to extend our brand." How about "extending your brand visibility" right here in your biggest market, where 24 of the 30 teams are located, you may have heard of it--the United States of America! You know, where the vast majority of the public doesn't even know the NHL exists?

If you think that's stupid, I just found out that the Saturday game won't be televised nationally in the US. It's on CBC in Canada and HDNet on DirecTV (and I don't get either channel). That's right! The game that officially kicks off the NHL season WILL NOT BE TELEVISED NATIONALLY IN THE US (except maybe in notorious hockey hotbed California); NBC has golf, and Versus is showing the pivotal Baylor/Texas A&M football game. However, they will begrudgingly show the 2nd game on Sunday at noon, where I'm sure it will do well in the ratings against NFL football and Tiger Woods. While the NFL manages to turn most games into a must-watch event (for better or worse: see "NFL Kickoff"), the NHL routinely sabotages any chance of increasing its viewership. Why not choose a Friday night, when nothing else is on? Even a Saturday night game has more of a chance than this one.

Once again, the NHL is completely clueless on how to market their sport. Bettman, you fucking suck. But please, enjoy the games across the pond, mates! Cheerio!

(BTW, how did England get an NFL game AND an NHL game in the space of one month? Did we lose a bet with them or something?)

THINGS I HATE

Here's the deal. Kammann's the only one that posts to this blog, therefore, one could presume that he's the only one with an axe to grind against the world in general...not true. Having taken a nice 3-week vacation that consisted on totally ignoring the a) radio, b) TV news and c) newspaper left me in a bliss that is only experienced by 97% of Americans. Coming back not only meant working, or giving the semblance of working, but also learning that the rest of the world didn't stop turning, it's still a shitty place. Anyway, I should do 10, but I fucking hate top-10 lists, so I'm going to do 5 things that I absolutely, fuckatively hate.

1. I watched Knocked Up the other day (it may have been yesterday, it's still relatively fresh in my mind) and I laughed a couple of times; then started searching online for Judd Apatow's home so I could go and beat the living shit out of him ruining my time that could've been spent, oh I don't know, staring at a brick wall. How the fuck did this get a 91% rating on Rotten Tomatoes? If there is one thing that I hate, it's making socio-political statements in films. Listen, I don't care if you're for or against abortion, this film just pussied out on the whole issue and since the fact that they "kept" the baby is kind of a main plot point in this film, it's fucking idiotic...They never even really discuss the whole keep it or not...They address it just enough so most of the idiotic reviewers give them a pass, but they never get anywhere near dealing with the issue. I know it's not an abortion film...but come on: They keep the baby and live happily ever after...James Dobson in 2008.
Beyond that what did I learn? Hanging out with your buddies is immature. If you don't do 9-to-5, you're not a "man". Oh yeah, and threating a woman with physical and/or mental assault is the best way to calm her down (and probably attract her too).
1a: Why the fuck does Rotten Tomatoes make me go to their UK site? I don't want to go to their UK site, I want to go to the US site...just because I have a European IP address doesn't mean that I should be forced to go to the Blighty site...what the fuck did the Brits ever do for me anyway?


2. Crisis management and slimy marketing advertised (and believed) as "Doing the Right Thing."Mattel apologizes to China for toy recalls. Ok...where to start? Should I start with the fact that it does no use apologizing to China because it should be their government that actually keeps an eye on things and makes sure that foreign companies don't export lead-paint based toys? Or should it be the fact that Mattel should spend less time apologizing to China and more time apologizing the the parents of lead poisoning victims? Oh, and Mr. Thomas A. Debrowski, executive vice president for worldwide operations, did you apologize the workers who inhaled lead paint in their menial few-dollar a week jobs who made this shit in the first place? Fuck it. My kid's going to play with local made, hand carved, wood toys...and s/he's going to like it.

3. French trade unions who are going to make my life a living hell starting on October 18th. I like Sarkozy, but I don't love him. He's a politician and he's got his shtick and all that...good for him. And I like the fact that he's got the balls to go up against the trade unions. And I like the fact that [I hope/think/believe] that he's going to stare down this strike and figuratively (and maybe literally) give these dinosaur unions the finger. But the unions are going to try to push back. If they block the highways like in '95, I hope Sarko calls in the army and busts some heads, really. These unions have no respect for the law and no respect for their fellow Frenchmen...there are people here who want to bust their balls and make money...if you don't, just get the fuck out of the way, but don't stop the rest of us from getting to work, or getting food and gasoline, or whatever. I'm so sorry that you have to wait until you're 57 to retire and you can't retire at 50 anymore, you fucking louses.

4. I can't even get my bile up for this. This is more a wholly depressed kinda rage, but the people spend their time following celebrities. You know, the whole People Culture, but I just, I don't know...I try to convince myself that its just people's way of forgetting about their terrible little lives, but then you realize that the majority of Americans do this, and, fuck me, these people vote? That's why John Edwards spends $400 on his hair. Does anyone vote on political beliefs, ever?

5. This kind of ties in with #4 and #2: The media buying whatever it is that the people (politicians, celebrities, spinmen, handlers...) feed them. This story about Rudy taking a call from his wife is case-in-point; of course that was staged. At least it only took 4 comments to come to the same conclusion as me, but CNN "blogs" doesn't even talk about that...isn't that the point of a blog? To be able to say things that you wouldn't be able to say in a news report? Time and again you see this. I like to read about cars, but even Jalopnik.com, which I think is the best of the automotive blogs, falls for the old company line. Time-and-again...just regurgitate the shit that the marketing departments feed you. Fuck you all. I'll see you in Hell.

PS: I saw a Ron Paul sticker on a Cadillac...vintage 1975, purple with velvet seats...I don't know what that means, but it made me smile.

Oh and I hate Harlan Coben too and his cliqued, worthless, contrite drivel. I have rarely read an author that sells so many books, but is such a bad writer.

NY BREWFEST: A TOTAL SHIPWRECK

As it turns out, NY Brewfest was a total trainwreck--or due to its location at the Seaport, maybe I should say total shipwreck. Short review: too many people and not enough beer, poorly planned and set up, and a giant waste of time.

Longer review: This was billed as taking place from 5-10 PM, but many of the booths were out of beer before 8 PM (much to the chagrin of the Manhattan "fashionably late" crowd). Due to Friday rush hour, our cab didn't get us there until 6:30 PM, so we barely got to taste anything. Each brewery had 2 offerings, and most were disappointingly middle of the road stuff: either an uninspired pale ale, wheat beer, or nut brown ale (but the choices weren't posted anywhere so you had to wait on line only to be disappointed at the end). The best thing there that I hadn't tried before was Smuttynose Imperial Stout and Goose Island Honker's Ale. There were also "cask" offerings from 6:30 - 8:30, but I ended up getting a very ordinary Ipswich Dark Ale.

After most places were out of beer, to get a sample of the Belgians that they promised from 8:30 - 9:30, you naturally had to fight an army of drunken college idiots to get . . . a thimble full of Chimay Red, Lindemans Frambroise (did someone just make a beer run to Stop and Shop?), or a third awful choice that tasted like balsamic vinegar.

Since they gave you only 2 oz at a time (in a 4 oz taster glass), I spent over $50 on what amounted to 2 pints. And they made you pay for food on top of that. I'm honestly thinking about trying to get my money back, it was such a ripoff. Everyone tells me Brewtopia is better, but I'm honestly not going to waste my time if it's anything like this disaster.

We cut our losses and went to the amazing Ginger Man on E. 36th, where the friendly waitstaff (a rarity for midtown) provided us with some cave aged 2005 Ommegang and Guinness stew. That saved the night!

WEEKLY TOP 10: IN THE COURT OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

10. Will there be an outdoor hockey in Buffalo on New Years Day? Stay tuned! That would rock, minus the harsh reality of being in Buffalo on New Years.

9. The new Indy movie due out Memorial Day 2008 has been granted a title: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Sheesh, that's a mouthful. Wasn't that a King Crimson song?

8. Rob noted that the most disturbing thing is not that bin Laden made a new videotape (which we know is authentic, because he commented about chubby Britney's listless MTV appearance), it's that he had time to DYE HIS BEARD BLACK. How does he find the time? He probably doesn't have WiFi and a Sony PS3 in his cave, so he might have nothing BUT time to kill doing such things. We envisioned ol' Osama having a conversation with one of his intern gofers: "I want to look good for my new video, so please buy me some of that stuff that Clyde Frazier uses--JUST FOR MEN. And get me a Kit Kat. That's the only good thing those evil American devils have ever made."

7. The new HBO show "Tell Me You Love Me" is so insufferably bad and its characters so incredibly unlikable, even the prosthetic genitals won't make me keep watching. You read that correctly. I have just three words for HBO: BRING BACK DEADWOOD! Even if it's Al Swearengen running a bar with no other original cast members, that would be fine.

6. I stumbled across Jonathan Katz' podcast "Hey, We're Back" recently. It's not quite "Dr. Katz"--in fact, it's hard to follow and rather odd, like Woody Allen's new book--but it's good to hear his voice again. If they wanted to start a channel with nothing but Dr. Katz and MST3k, I'd tune in.

5. While waiting for "The Daily Show" to come on Monday night, I regretfully stopped at MNFF on ESPN. For some reason they chose Mike & Mike & Mike (Golic/Greenburg, and Ditka) to do the commentary, which is about 2 too many Mikes. For about 2 straight minutes while the game was going on THEY WOULD NOT FUCKING SHUT UP. And whatever they WERE saying was completely incomprehensible. It was horrendous.

4. A Chinese worker at Nanuet's "Great" China Buffet was caught CRUSHING GARLIC WITH HIS SHOES a few weeks ago. This happened in the parking lot behind the strip mall, and an AT&T store employee took a photo of him doing it. I'm so glad I've sworn off eating at those awful places years ago. I mean, imagine what they do behind closed doors? Ugh.

3. Gay Overly sensitive Apple iPhone owners were whining and complaining this past week about the $200 price drop announced by the company, a mere 2 months after the gadget's release. Well guess what? This happens all the time in technology, and I guarantee the same thing will happen before I even get my laptop. Hey, you wanted to be the first to have the phone, so why shouldn't you pay for it? You're part of the Apple club and bowed down to their marketing machine, so you get what you deserve. I have three words for Apple fanboys (and girls) regarding the price cut: TOO FUCKING BAD.

(Now I'm disappointed that Steve Jobs decided to coddle his creepy cult disciples and grant them $100 store credits as a sort of "rebate". What a bunch of pansies.)

Meanwhile, the newly announced Apple iPod touch (what a sissy name) has a touchscreen, only 16 GB of storage and costs $400. The Archos 605 has a touchscreen, 160 GB (10 times the storage) and also costs $400. But naturally, everyone wants the iPod because it's been shoved down their throats. Hooray, marketing!

2. God bless VENEFICUS.NET and their streaming MST3K episodes! Although I frequently can't get it to work using Winamp/Shoutcast, it's worth it when "Gamera" or "Alien from L.A." randomly pops up on my screen. Rob said this site was one of the highlights of his year--maybe his entire life.

1. The NY Brewfest is today at South Street Seaport in NYC! This will be the first "fest" I've ever attended, so I'm looking forward to it. There are a bunch of breweries slated to attend, but my short list includes: Captain Lawrence Brewing (Pleasantville, NY), Defiant Brewery (Pearl River, NY), Southern Tier, Ommegang, Sixpoint Craft Ales. There's also Rochefort, Maredsous, Duvel, Smuttynose, Unibroue, Victory. So many choices, but I can't drink them all . . . or can I? Stay tuned!

9/11

Everyone has their own thoughts and prayers on a day like this. Naturally, I turn to humor in these situations, and have chosen to link to a classic article from The Onion's triumphant post-9/11 return, the HOLY FUCKING SHIT issue from 9/26/2001.

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves in Hell

Six years later, this map is still pretty appropriate.

NOTES ON THE 2007 NFL SEASON: BIG BLEW!

• Before the Week 1 games started, Rob & I could rattle off over a dozen teams off the top of our heads that we couldn't name the starting QB for: Minnesota, Houston, Oakland, Miami, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Denver, Cleveland, Detroit, Atlanta, Washington, Tampa Bay, San Francisco, Kansas City. That's 14 teams out of 32 that don't even have a recognizable player leading their offense! Sad, but true. I'm not saying that every QB in the 1990s was a world beater, but at least they were household names, either in the pros or college or both.

• Because of the ridiculous size and speed of NFL players, I commented that someone is going to suffer a horrible crippling injury this year, or perhaps even die on the field during a game. Sure enough, Buffalo tight end Kevin Everett suffered a severe spinal injury during their Week 1 vs. Denver. When you have 280 pound HGH-fueled behemoths who can run 4.6 second 40-yard dashes collide at full speed, things like this are bound to happen.

• CBS does the best job of all the networks, especially with the NFL. They have the best announcers (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms, Gus Johnson, Chris Gumbel, etc), the nicest looking HD broadcast, and the least caustic pregame show (for those who feel the need to watch them). ESPN treats Monday Night Football like it's the Video Music Awards; NBC has determined you need 17 analysts to properly deliver the game to you (Keith Olbermann? Really?); FOX's pregame circus is irritating, as is their endless in-game promos and distracting (and unnecessarily noisy) game graphics.

(Add to this that CBS hosts The Masters and the NCAA tournament, and there's no contest.)

• No one gives a fuck what Tiki Barber has to say. No one. Wait, let me count again. Nope, still zero.

• Putting a captain's C on various NFL players is pretty stupid. There's also no rhyme or reason to it: it might be an offensive player, 2 defensive players, or both, or neither. Note to NFL: the captaincy thing only works in NHL hockey.

• For my money (e.g., for free), Kissing Suzy Kolber is the funniest goddam NFL site out there, bar none. In fact, I can't read regular non-humorous sports websites anymore.

• Last and least: The Giants. As they proved last night what we already knew: their secondary is among the worst in the league, they can't rush the QB, and their running game is a huge question mark (and Jacobs is now hurt), putting the load mostly on Eli Womanning's fragile, supple shoulders. The Giants will finish 7-9 and miss the playoffs, and Coach Screaming Coughlin will finally have his ass canned. Yep, I foresee another crap season for BIG BLEW!

2007 NFL BLOGNOSTICATIONS!

• Biggest surprises: New Orleans will not make the playoffs, while Cincinnati finally will . . . if they post bail. ZING! (I am officially the 1 millionth blog to make that joke. Thanks.)

• NFC playoff teams: Dallas, Chicago, Carolina, Seattle, Philly, Green Bay
• AFC playoff teams: Indy, Pittsburgh, NE, Cincy, SD, Denver
• Super Bowl: San Diego over Seattle

UPDATE: Eli injured his shoulder, and may be out next week--I told you he had fragile shoulders. Bring on the Pillsbury Throwboy! Also hurting: Jets QB Chad Paperthin!

TO HELL AND BACK: DEMYSTIFIED

Everyone always uses the expression "To Hell and Back" to describe a horrible endeavor or experience, without the need to quantify it. But according to Google Maps, if you want to go to Hell and Back, it's only a 1,200 mile drive from Hell, Michigan to Back, Texas, which you could do in under a day. I didn't say it would be pleasant, since after all you have to drive through two Springfields (Illinois and Missouri), Gary, Indiana, St. Louis, the entire state of Oklahoma, and you end up in the Texas panhandle. But if you have a vehicle with air conditioning and some good music, it's manageable.



(Okay, that's the funniest post I could concoct on a Monday.)

WEEKLY TOP 10: US-CONNECTION!

10. After returning from a 5 day trip to Maine, I realized that it's time for me to move near the beach. ANY beach. I can't stand being hours away from one.

9. Just like everything else, GM managed to screw up Saturn as well. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of sissified blogulation regarding the iCar, a possible joint venture between Apple and Volkswagen. Personally, I think they're made for each other--both of them preach style over substance, and are overpriced for what you get.

8. I'm Freaking Old Moment #356: I realized that the neck tattoo is not just for prisoners anymore, after seeing an otherwise attractive female sporting a rather conspicuous one. I found it hideous, but I imagine someone out there must like that look.

7. After his much-ballyhooed win at the Douchebag Deutsche Bank golf tournament at TPC Boston, Phillis Mickelson now has a jillion zillion FedEx Cup points, as Rob put it. Way to go, FIGJAM! Even though Steve Stricker has only one 1 tournament in the past 7 years, he's currently at #2, higher than Tiger Woods! Again, what a great "playoff" "system" this is.

6. I have decided to buy a Dell Vostro laptop, because it sounds like an Eastern bloc tennis player. Oh, and because you can get a well-loaded computer at a reasonable price, and there's no "bloatware" (my new favorite word) installed on it. Extended warranty? How can I lose? (Actually, this is one of those rare moments I will actually buy one. I've never owned a laptop, and I guarantee that it will fall apart after 1 day after the normal warranty runs out.)

5. Speaking of tennis, there are only 3 American men in the Top 50 ATP rankings. James Blake and Andy Roddick (and the latter is about to get schooled by Roger Federer tonight) are in the Top 10, and they're not even that spectacular. The other one? Mardy Fish at #41. Yikes. Meanwhile, where is the Russian factory that is churning out these tennis playing girls? (Yeah I know, she lost already, but any excuse to get a Maria Sharapova picture up here.)

4. I'm Freaking Old Moment #443: when asked about the show "The Hills", I realized that I'd never even heard of the show, or knew that it was on MTV for three seasons already. In fact, along with ESPN, I don't remember the last time I voluntarily turned on MTV. Sorry, I'm out of your target demo.

3. I am actually more looking forward to the upcoming hockey season than the NFL season (which starts tomorrow night), maybe because the Devils have more of a fighting chance than the Giants do. In fact, I even know that the Devils play their first 9 games on the road, mainly because of a slew of concerts by Bon Fucking Jovi (that's right, they don't even get to open their own arena). Meanwhile, I just found out that the Giants start their season this Sunday night. Ugh, what a way to kill my interest almost immediately. And that's only the first of FIVE games at 8:15 PM this season. As for the NHL, contrary to the word on the street and what may have been said here in the blogodome, I might actually attend a Devils game at "The Rock", if NJ Transit figures out that new weekend train schedule this fall. There's nothing like live hockey, and I'm sure I'll be sucked in . . . to Newark? Ugh.

2. I'll come right out and say it: I really dislike the work of Kevin Smith. I was even at the legendary Hazlet Multiplex premiere of the original Clerks, and left thoroughly hating the movie. So if you try to sell me a TV show or movie with the caveat "DIRECTED BY KEVIN SMITH!", I will run in the other direction.

1. Have you ever found yourself in France without the means to order a replica of a 1940's Texaco gas pump? Did you ever suffer a summer heat wave in the south of France without a Coca-Cola thermometer? Does your Parisian American-themed restaurant lack that certain art deco je ne sais quoi? Personally, I haven't had any of these problems . . . yet. But if you do, I'm quite certain that there's only one place to go: US-Connection. The authentic (yes, actually made in the USA) American diner furniture looks great, and reminds me of a time when every restaurant wasn't a TGI Applechili's Garden Bistro. And I personally love the decorative enamel signs (if I had my own bar, I would cover the walls with these things). Visit the US-Connection website right now if you're interested!

MST3K: JET JAGUAR? JET JAGUAR! HE MOTHER NEVER REALLY LOVE HIM

From MST3K's "Godzilla vs. Megalon", enjoy the "Jet Jaguar" fight song with helpful subtitles!



I giggled like a 21 year old school boy when I watched this, which is what I was when it came out.

"HE BASICALLY GOOD-HEARTED BUT HE'D LIKE TO SMASH THAT KID AGAINST A ROCK"

THE PGA GOLF FED EX TOUR CUP OF GOLF: PLAYOFFS?

On Saturday, Rob & I went to the 3rd round of the Barclays golf tournament for free, because Tiger wasn't there and people were GIVING their tickets away. It a great afternoon and the sparse crowds meant you could really get up close. I almost got hit with a wayward FIGJAM! drive on the par 4 314 yard 10th hole that he pulled way right, ending up in the death zone between the 10th green and the 11th tee. Minutes later with FIGJAM! teeing off on 11, Petrovic sailed another ball one into the crowd. I got out of there because I didn't want to get hit twice in one week. (Long story.) The Westchester Country Club in Harrison, NY is a beautiful course, more hilly than I realized, with some really interesting and challenging holes. The 478 yard par 4 12th (a par 5 for the members) is a standout: you hit from an elevated tee down into a valley, and then back up to an elevated green, with little room for error as a sheer cliff greets you if you miss right. It's an absolutely gorgeous golf hole.

As we entered the course, we couldn't help but notice the words "THE PLAYOFFS" were emblazoned everywhere. I think this is going to be an incredibly hard sell, a notion that has caught the imagination of absolutely no one. Here's why the FedEx Cup playoffs are a pile of crap: Rory Sabbatini currently has 100,650 points, which is 650 more points than Tiger Woods (100,000) because he clearly had a better golf season. Oh really? Let's break it down!

Tiger: 5 championships, including 1 major (PGA) and two WGC tournaments. Finished T2 (+3) at the Masters, T2 at the US Open (+6), T12 (-2) at The Open, and collected $7.8M in winnings.
Sabby: 1 championship at the Crowne Plaza Invitational (which included a free continental breakfast with a night's stay). Finished T2 (+3) at the Masters, missed the cut at PGA and The Open, carded a +21 (T51) at the US Open, took home $3.5M.
Head to head: In the final round pairing at the WGC-Bridgestone, Tiger knocked Rory's dick in the dirt, shooting a 65 vs. his opponent's 74, to win by 8 shots. This was one day after Rory, leading by one stroke, proclaimed that "Tiger looks more beatable now than ever."

In other words, Sabby completely OWNED (dare I say PWNED) Tiger in 2007! Right? Of course, everyone (in the PGA marketing department, anyway) would tell you that's only the "regular season", and this is the "playoffs". As Karl would say, I call international bullshit. Unlike playoff-focused sports like hockey, the regular season, and its 4 majors, is all that matters in golf.

Watching the final round on CBS-HD on Sunday, I got sick of these ludicrous "projected finish" numbers they put up on the screen all day as players were finishing their rounds, something like: "Eagle = 27th, Par = 56th, Bogey = 98th". WTF? Even one of the commentators mused about how nonsensical and baffling it was. Agreed. I suppose by "resetting" the "points", they're trying to give someone else a shot at winning some hideous, meaningless trophy. Because if you just look at the numbers it's usually going to add up TIGER.

WEEKLY TOP 10: NOT THE BEES!!!

10. The tire pressure light went on in my car the other day, and it turns out that I ran over ANOTHER NAIL. Damaging tires at an alarming rate is my only true talent. I should buy stock in the Yokohama Tire Company.

9. The lunchtime cup of coffee I get (at David's Bagels almost every day) is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it gives me the resolve to continue with my day. On the other hand, it fools me into thinking I can tolerate another afternoon at my cruddy job. I think I need to wake up and stop smelling the coffee.

8. Yet another reason why Wikipedia rules. Here's a line from the entry about 1985's "Lifeforce": "Stars Steve Railsback as the leader of the shuttle mission and Mathilda May as the beautiful female space vampire with nice boobs." I've always been interested in renting this movie because of its floptacular legacy, now it's a must-rent.

7. The only thing that preseason NFL is good for: injuries! I love waking up on Monday morning only to find that the Giants already shitty secondary lost Will Demps and Sam Madison. Fantastic. It's going to be a terrible year for Big Blew. With any luck, Tom Coughlin will be fired before Week 1 begins (*fingers crossed*).

6. The PGA is trying to tell me that the "playoffs" have begun with the The Barclays Tournament in Harrison, NY. Uhm, that's nice, but how is it the playoffs without Tiger Woods? Does he get a first round bye, like Peyton Manning occasionally does? All I know is by seeing the extremely sparse crowds (watching Hitch and FIGJAM!, who claim to be #3 and #4) at the Barclays yesterday is that the public hasn't bought it either, and if Tiger doesn't show neither will they. This is one package it's going to take a long time for FedEx to deliver.

5. The Texas Rangers scored 30 (unexplained) runs on Wednesday vs. the Baltimore Orioles, winning 30-3, the first team to score that obscene amount of runs in 110 years--okay, the first actual baseball team to ever do it. What are the odds the two Texas NFL football teams don't score that much combined on Week 1?

4. Great quote from Rip Torn from The Larry Sanders show: "Scotch whisky -- Glenlivet -- single malt. When you die and you go to heaven, you'll say hello to God and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath. "

3. The Onion's Shattered Expectations fantasy football league is genius. You pick from a handful of players and get points for their ineptitude: if a QB gets no TDs for the week, or a kicker misses a FG less than 24 yards away, you get 100 points for each! The only irritating thing is that 3 of the Tier 2 WR/TE you can pick are on the Giants. And how come there are no Jets on the list? An obvious East Side/West Side bias by the Onion, but I'll let it slide this time.

My league name: OCHO STINKO.

2. The Old Computers Museum is endlessly fascinating. I had the TRS-80 Color Computer, the IBM PC Portable (or "luggable", as it was 30 lbs). Before that we also had the Atari 2600 and the Telstar Ranger, which was a pong game equipped with a light gun, for a shooting game that never really worked.

1. Someone says that "Wicker Man" is becoming a cult classic. If by "cult classic" they mean "insufferable crap movie featuring bear-suited Nicolas Cage screaming a lot", then yes, I agree.



HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?

NOT THE BEEEES!!!

MAKE IT STOP!

This commercial is the very reason why (and I'll say it one more time) PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO ADVERTISE.



I guess we can call this one "Boner Jam". It's hard to believe, but dick drug commercials have now reached a new low.

SWEET HOLY FUCK, MAKE IT STOP!

THINGS I LIKE: CHEERLEADERS

Why do some NFL teams insist on getting stupid, hideous mascots when they should be focusing on getting smoking hot cheerleaders? The Jets and Giants are 2 of only 7 remaining NFL teams currently without them, and it's a travesty.

To try to illustrate the error of their ways, I'm stealing a bit from the incredibly funny KSK blog and posting a cheerleader on a Friday.

She's a Manchester, New Hampshire native and UNH grad (GO WILDCATS!), she's Meghan White, from the New England Patriots squad!

Favorite restaurant: Morton's Steakhouse
Favorite color: Green
Favorite animated character: Tinkerbell
Favorite song: Anything but country

She also volunteered for American Lung Association's "No Butt's About It" program. When they're in town playing the Jets, I'm thinking of inviting her over and making her a filet mignon with béarnaise sauce, while listening to anything but country. Beat that.

Honorable mention goes to this member of the Buffalo Jills, who is trying to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots:



I'd Launcher and I don't even know her! God bless her li'l heart. Can we get that on SwingVision?

So Jets, are you going to let the Pats and the Bills kick your ass on AND off the field? Giants, are you going to allow your prettiest employee to be Eli Manning? (You know, now that Tiki's gone.) Think about it.

Your move, idiots.

WEEKLY TOP 10: TIGER IS STILL GOOD, ELVIS IS STILL DEAD

10. Why does Boeing advertise on TV? Are there really people out there that don't know who Boeing is? Are there billionaires watching golf that will decide to buy a Boeing plane because they saw their commercial? Actually, I don't want to know that.

9. The proliferation of pointless preseason games has begun, meaning the 2007 NFL season is right around the corner. Apparently, referees will be using HD for their video reviews this season. So they will be able to see in crystal clarity what HDTV owners have been seeing for years: just how badly they fucked up the call.

8. This year, the Pittsburgh Steelers (for some reason) have a new scary mascot, and the "fans" have voted to name him . . . Steely McBeam. WTF? Any relation to Hootie McBoob? Maybe they should have gone with Big McLargehuge, from MST3K's Space Mutiny.

7. There's just something about a woman saying in a personal ad that one of her favorite artists is "Kip Winger (solo)" that's a complete turnoff to me. Call me picky, but life is too short for that.

6. As of 8/16/2007, one US dollar is worth 1.07 Canadian dollars. That's horrible! A few years ago it was about $1.30. Well, you had your chance Montreal strippers, but I don't think it's even worth coming up there anymore. I don't care if the Roughriders are playing the Rough Riders for the Grey Cup, I ain't coming up there if there ain't no cheap whores to throw my loonies at! So you can forget aboot it!

5. Apparently, everyone in Hollywood has decided that Chuck is the new name of comedy (or lack thereof). In a matter of weeks we are inundated with two movies ("I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" and "Good Luck Chuck") and a TV show (obviously named "Chuck"). There are probably also some porns in the works (I'm guessing maybe "Fuck Chuck" may be one of them). Enough. I want to upchuck.

4. Man, I am THISCLOSE to buying a Sony Playstation 3 and a copy of Madden '08. It just looks crazy good, and it's in HD and everything. Plus, I would have a Blu-Ray player, and although it's early, it appears to be winning the format war vs. HD-DVD.

3. Tiger Woods won his 13th major (the 89th PGA) on Sunday, which was pretty much a foregone conclusion after his asskicking 63 on Friday. When asked how he felt to have his wife and baby girl waiting in the clubhouse, he said, "I've never felt anything like this. It's cool." Tiger: a phenomenal golfer, and a tremendous dork. One question to CBS: if Ernie Els had won the tourney, did you have a cutesy childhood photo montage of him ready? I'm thinking probably not.

2. I might have to visit BARCADE! This cool-ass establishment is exactly what it sounds like: a bar filled with classic arcade games. Unlike a cheeseball place like Dave & Busters, it actually has excellent brews on tap (25+) to back it up: Abita, Rogue, Smuttynose, Victory, et. al. I just wish it was in my neighborhood instead of in Brooklyn.

1. It's 30 years later, and Elvis Presley is still dead. To honor The King, here's the "laughing version" of "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" from 1969. Allegedly, after a fan removed his toupee in the audience he changed the words to "Do you stare at your bald head and wish you had hair?", and subsequently could not stop laughing.



Funny story: back on August 16, 1977 I was with my dad and sister driving up to Maine, and as we were flipping around on the radio there seemed to be a lot of Elvis songs on the radio. After several hours of this, a DJ finally announced the news of his demise to clear things up. It was a big story in Maine, because he was supposed to play a concert/destroy a buffet in Portland the next day. To this day if we ever hear several songs by the same artist on the radio, we say, "Another song by him? Did he die?"

37½ AND LIFE

Today I am 37½ years old, exactly halfway between 35 and 40. I can't believe no one has sent me a card, text message or bouquet of flowers to mark the occasion. While this particular age may not mean much to you, it's important to me. When rounding to the nearest half-decade, now I can only round up to 40, and can no longer round down to 35. See how that works?

I've also realized that I've become very set in my ways and cranky over the last few years, and it isn't helping my blood pressure. Most people have "New Year's Resolutions", but this is much more ambiguous and unique. Without further adieu, here are some of my 37½ Year Suggestions.

1. Embrace mediocrity. It's really the only way to go, since there's so much of it to choose from. The new Smashing Pumpkins album, summer blockbusters, Wal-Mart, chain restaurants, ESPN--it's all there for my semi-enjoyment!

2. Stop being so cynical. This might be the hardest one of all, since pretty much everything is going to hell in a Happy Meal. But I'm going to try to see the silver lining in every pile of crap, no matter how much it stinks.

3. Try not to get so easily discouraged. It's easy to type out, not so easy to do. I get frustrated very easily by people, situations, this annoying blog. I have to learn to not let things bother me, and just move on.

4. Buy real estate. This is something that I can't believe I haven't done yet, and the market is still pretty good for a first-time buyer. And once I exercise those stock options, look out! That island I've been dreaming of owning will become a reality! Or maybe I'll just get that tiny condo in the suburbs. Either one.

5. Try more new things. Since I turned 30, I've tried out sushi (very good), playing hockey (very difficult), and yoga (very relaxing)--three things I thought I'd probably never do. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly start line dancing, jumping out of planes, or watching NASCAR anytime soon. But I wouldn't rule out jetskiing, snowboarding or watching Canadian football.

6. Travel more. I know, everyone says this one. But I get 3 weeks of vacation a year, and seem to use it all going to Maine, playing golf, maybe taking the odd long weekend to Cape Cod or camping with my family. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I think I need to spend a full week somewhere I've never been before: Seattle, Hawaii, the Caribbean, Italy, Myrtle Beach, Iowa! Okay, scratch that last one.

7. Don't act like such a know-it-all. I'm incredibly guilty of this. From now on, if someone asks me something I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm talking about, I'll just say, "I have no idea."

8. Ease up on the road rage. Yes, the idiot in front of me doesn't know how to drive, has no idea what the speed limit is, and is probably lost. No, there's nothing I can do about it, except bite my lip and turn up the XM radio.

9. Less sports, more politics. Sports talk infuriates me because at the end of the day it's completely meaningless; sports websites are frustrating because they're all trying to either sell you something or say something outrageous (or both). Also, I don't care what the athletes do or say right before and after the game: just go out on the field/course/court/rink and entertain me for a few hours. As for politics, I should be paying more attention to the story behind Stephen Colbert's smirk, and actually learning something about the 2008 presidential candidates. Regardless, it sure beats the hell out of Sportscenter.

10. Don't snap at my stupid co-workers. Okay, I've already gone cynical in the space of this blog entry. Damn.

Basically, I'm going to try to use this pseudo-milestone to help me embrace the future and work on improving my most annoying personality traits and bad habits. It probably won't work, but at least I can look back at this blog an laugh at my inability to change.

WEEKLY TOP 10: I AM BOURNE AGAIN

10. Of course I'm talking about the Bourne Bridge that leads into Cape Cod. I always forget how nice the Cape is until I go there and dread having to come back home. The house my friend Kerry's parents rented in Chatham was nice, but the house (uhm, the Spillane compound) I visited in Hyannis, featuring a huge deck with ocean views, was astonishing. I have to find a job out there, maybe scraping barnacles off of billionaires' yachts or something.

9. I'm done with comic book superhero movies. It's not as though I was a big fan to begin with, but I'm officially sick of them. Sure, I liked Spiderman, which was surprising because I never really liked any of the previous incarnations. But I was thoroughly non-plussed by Spiderman 2 (which everyone else loved), so I have just decided to avoid anything and everything having to do with the newest movies about Batman, Superman, X-Men, The 4 Fantastic Men, or whomever. Enough already!

8. Probably nobody cares, but here's a video highlight of the Bad Art Auction I was at a few weeks ago. If you don't like that, here's a blooper reel of Zach's "twin brother" Seth Galifianakis being interviewed by Brian Unger (the actual interview is here). If that doesn't strike you as funny, well, I guess you're not a Zach fan.

7. Flooding cripples the entire NYC transit system! A tornado rips through Brooklyn! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

6. National Treasure was one of the most preposterous and inane movies I've seen in quite sometime (I had only watched it because I had just gotten my new HDTV)--a Da Vinci Code for drooling morons. However, inexplicably a second one is coming out this year, and as with the first movie the screenplay was written by a couple called "The Wibberleys" (Cormac and Marianne). They are the same geniuses responsible for the horrendous Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, The Shaggy Dog and I Spy. So there's a really excellent chance that this ponderous sequel will also be a pile of horseshit.

Meanwhile, where did it all go wrong for Oscar® winner Nicolas Cage? I'm going to go with 1999's 8MM, an unintentionally laughable Bruckheimer disaster about the slimy world of underground porn. I might have to do a whole separate blog entry for that one.

5. I'm no longer rooting for players in sports, just teams. It's a waste of time to get attached to some player who will say something stupid, sign as a free agent for your hated rival, or stick a needle in their ass and lie about it, or all of the above--they'll just let you down eventually. And it's pointless to celebrate some guy's personal achievements, so I'll leave that to their family members.

4. The Simpsons Movie was very funny, but ultimately not especially memorable; a week later I can't really remember any jokes from it. I give it 8 thumbs up. And because of the marketing deluge, I'm tired of seeing everyone "Simpsonized" already.

3. How is it that French actress Julie Delpy isn't married yet? I've had a crush on her since the one-two punch of Before Sunrise and White back in 1995. She's gorgeous, independent and a music lover (and singer, apparently), and she's only 2 months older than me. So dare I say she'd make a great wife for me. I'll have to email her when I get a chance.

2. How funny is it that a Mets fan, wearing a Mets uniform, caught Baroid's home run ball? The Onion put it best: Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation.

1. I'm watching FIGJAM! right now play his second round at Southern Hills on the PGA website. God bless free live online golf! These announcers have to stop complaining about the heat in Oklahoma. Anyway, it's the PGA's fault they decided to play the 89th PGA Tournament on that course in August, and it can't be hotter than when I attended Baltusrol in 2005, which averaged about 99° over the four days. Anyway, the only golfers that this heat will effect is the older players or those who are out of shape--well, good riddance! I guess that means John Daly will no longer be near the top of the leaderboard after today.

Why do sportswriters always get extra punny with golfer's names in their headlines? First round leader Graeme Storm brought on a downpour of bad jokes: "Storm Brews Great Opening Round", "Storm on PGA Radar", "Storm Surges", "It's not easy being a Storm in a tempest", "Storm Watch", "Storm Subsides", "Imperfect Storm", "Storm Downgraded". Bloody fucking hell, we get it!

WEEKLY TOP 10: HAPPY ROBUST!

10. After weeks and weeks of asking "Is It Robust Yet?", it's finally here! No news on whether or not Rob will be celebrating with the "31 Days Of Robust", as he did in 1999. I'm sure a whole lotta golf will be played, however.

9. I've been working like a dog in Mike Vick's kennel. Thankfully, I have a 4 day vacation this weekend. Whew.

8. The early reports on Karl's weisse beer is that it's "so light, a pregnant woman could drink it while driving." Sounds like Michelob Ultra should use that as their tagline. On the other hand, I should do an entire Drinky Drinky post about the Gilded Otter's Hefe Weisen. It's that good.

7. I want to buy a Dell Vostro laptop just because it sounds like a mysterious Eastern Bloc magician. Behold, from Transylvania: THE MAGNIFICENT VOSTRO!

6. I had 4 birdies and NO pars while playing golf on Saturday at New Paltz Golf Course. That's hard to do for most people, but not for me, the most inconsistent golfer I know. Here's my shot on the 150 yard par 3 13th (4th) which I had to take for posterity:

As a bonus, this link says I could get free round of golf on my birthday, which I can redeem anytime within a week before or after. So I can play golf in upstate New York for free anytime from February 7 - 21? Awesome!

5. Scariest concert listing I've seen this year: "Disney's High School Musical: The Ice Tour". Oh the horror. I haven't seen the movie, but is there a lot of skating involved?

4. My nephew Brandon is only 1½, but he already knows baseball (he calls it "batball"). I don't have the heart to tell him that Bonds is an asshole.

3. HOCKEY NEWS: The NHL might be back on ESPN in 2008-09. Hopefully, this means it will actually be covered on SportsCenter, and magically viewers will consider it a sport again! A small part of me wants Bettman to tell Bristol to fuck off, but if it means more visibility for hockey they have to do it.

2. I have invented a new diet: the 3 Letter Word Diet. True to its name, you are only allowed to consume foods that have three letters in them. Here is the entire menu:

Vegetables: cob (corn), pea, soy.
Fruits: fig.
Fish: gar, roe.
Meats: hen, hog/ham/pig.
Breads: nan.
Dairy: egg.
Drinks: eau (H2O) and tea.
Snacks: jam, gum, pie.
Cooking methods: pan fry (or wok) with oil or fat.

And you are free to consume plenty of ale, gin, rum, and rye! Oh, I didn't say anything about it being healthy.

1. Here's an ad for River City Bagels in Boise, Idaho. I don't want to know how they get the holes in them . . .

TOP 10 WEEK IN REVIEW: THINGS

10. I hate walking across a parking lot, and you step on that blacktop fixer stuff and it squishes under your feet.

9. Things that shouldn't be: another X-Files movie.

8. Things that should be: a Mr. Show movie (confirmed by Paul F. Tompkins to be in the works).

7. Things I don't give a shit about: an NBA refereeing scandal, since the entire sport is unwatchable horseshit anyway.

6. Things that make me laugh: This Marlon Brando interview from a TIME magazine from 1976. They were already saying "most of his movies are awful", and this was pre-"The Island of Dr. Moreau", and before he discovered "A Streetcar Named Dessert".

5. This week, 3 of the Top 10 Billboard chart albums were by pretty damn good bands: #2 Smashing Pumpkins, #4 Interpol and #9 Spoon. Question: why release all those indie rock albums in one week? Bon Jovi and Linkin Park were also in there, making it 5 out of 10 albums that were not rap/R&B/pop related. So rock is not dead, it's just really sleepy.

4. I got an automated voice message from the New Jersey Devils trying to get me to buy tickets to go to Newark. Here's an idea: how about you pay ME?

3. Things I should read more of: Modern Drunkard Magazine.

2. Well, if a filthy stinkin' Euro had to win the Open, at least it's Padraig Harrington, and not Los Pantalones Feos. I even said, in one of my famous blognostications, he'd win the 2006 Open and "drink Guinness out of the Claret jug". So I'm ahead of the curve, and not dead wrong. Just so you know.

1. Reasons to visit Accuweather.com: Kate "Confessions of a Weathergirl" Bilo.



Hey, I've got a high pressure system . . . in my PANTS!