TO START, PRESS ANY KEY. WHERE'S THE 'ANY' KEY?!?

The Onion AV Club has two good Simpsons articles: an interview with Matt Groening, and a Guide To Simpsons Quotes For Everyday Use (most of which I already use with alarming frequency).

My horrible company has the "7 Habits of Highly Successful People" posters framed and hanging on the walls in our training/torture room. The only problem is that there are only 5 of the 7 "habits" remaining. It's that "Meh, that's good enough" attitude that got us where we are today. It just perfectly sums up why my company is so fucking dysfunctional.

Odwalla's Peanut Crunch bar is "NOW! SOFTER!" It's about time. Who wants a crunch bar that's crunchy? Dirty stinkin' Commies, that's who!

As far as I'm concerned, Keith Hernandez can say whatever he wants. He's Keith Hernandez! He won the MVP in '79! He should have gone down to the dugout and apologized to San Diego's massage therapist, and then kissed her, full on the mouth. Because, dammit, he's Keith Hernandez! (BTW, why was she in uniform--in case they needed her to bunt a runner over?)

When a person looks exactly like someone else, you call him a "dead ringer". So if someone sounds like another famous vocalist, is he a "dead singer"?

The Storm Track has some cool pictures of Tropical Cyclone Monica hitting the northern Australian coast, a Category 5 and possibly the most intense storm ever to hit the entire region. Watching The Amazing Race contestents run around Perth last night, I realize that I must go Down Under sometime soon.

I was reading "The Tipping Point" last night by Malcolm Gladwell, and it made some interesting points about what creates "social epidemics" and helps them spread. When talking about the increase in teenage smoking, it makes the interesting distinction that kids don't smoke because it's cool, they start the habit because "smokers are cool. Interesting stuff. Anyway, while I was reading this I had some droning trance music playing in the background, and I was pretty chilled out when suddenly I hear an airhorn go off. I jumped, thinking, WTF did that come from? Well, I forgot that I had a CBS Sportsline NHL GameCenter still open, and the "Audio Alerts for game events" box checked. The individual sounds are pretty funny, actually: airhorn = goal, whistle = penalty, buzzer = end of period. Just make sure you're not half asleep, they're pretty annoying. The baseball one no longer has the sounds, which was limited to "YER OUT!"

Oh, and try to watch one of the incredibly busy looking MLB GameDay windows during a live game: there's so much shit going on spread out over 10 different sections, and add to that interactive pop-ups, you don't know where to look. It's probably not good for you, like Battling Seizure Robots. Thank god for the compass next to the stadium diagram, I'd be lost if I didn't know that CF in Yankee Stadium is pointed NNE.

BTW, MLB blows. I bet the balls are juiced, the bats corked, and the stadiums filled with helium this year. Add this to the tiny ballpark dimensions and crappy pitching, and you've got more dingers to take everyone's mind off of the rampant steroid/HGH/cow hormone use. How else can you explain Jonny Gomes of Tampa Bay having 10 HR in a month? This guy couldn't hold Brady Anderson's jock.

Gotta go, the airhorn just informed me that Ottawa just took the lead.

WATCH HAVLAT!