OPEN HOCKEY - We Hate You Already

Welcome to New Jersey, home of several New York sports teams! The New York Red Bulls of New Jersey (formerly the New York MetroStars, formerly the New York Cosmos, formerly second rate / retired European players plus Pele) are ready to kick-off the 2006 season! They have saturated the airwaves advertising the gala celebration that will be Opening Day at Giants stadium. (Home of the New York Giants of New Jersey, and the New York Jets of New Jersey) There will be skydivers, moto-cross riders, Wyclef Jean, Shakira, midget wrestlers, Elvis impersonators, and the original cast of Hee-Haw. OK, I made up a few of those. Ironically, in all the excitement and confusion, they forgot to schedule an opponent. At least one they care to mention in the radio ad. Perhaps all they could get was the soccer equivalent of the team the Globetrotters beat all the time. Which could be the same guys, really. Hooray soccer! The Most Popular Sport In The World, Except the United States Where It Is Just Below Mule Racing.

Meanwhile, here in Nyack, things are status quo. There's no place to park and the mayor is dilligently working to protect your right to marry an aardvark. And status quo is the way Stephen Baldwin likes it. Stephen, who is not an actor, but plays one on TV, is so upset about the fact that a porn store is set to open just north of the Thruway/Rt 59 intersection, that he has pledged to photograph the license plates of cars belonging to patrons of the store and publish them in the local paper. Frankly, I'd prefer these merchants stay in Brooklyn too. I sometimes walk past the location where the store is being built, usually on nights that I have spent all my cash at Bourbon St and can't afford a cab home. I can only imagine what I'll come across when this store opens. I just don't see what purpose photographing license plates will serve. Anyway, this story was covered on UPN 9 News last night. A local man not opposed to the store said of Baldwin "He should be sued. He's trying to intimidate people. That's not the American way." There you have it folks, baseless lawsuits, that's the American way!

OK, on to an event I do care about, The Masters. Jeff is planning an hellacious post I'm not even going to try to compete with. So I'm just here to give my predictions.
1. I will be sucking up quite a lot of bandwidth at work watching "Amen Corner Live" on masters.org. Luckily, my job is being outsourced to Mexico, so I don't feel like doing much anyway.
2. A woman will not finish in the top ten. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but I honestly don't see Mickelson having a good week.
3. Sergio Garcia will not make the cut. His putting has been bad lately and Augusta is no place to get your short game straightened out.
4. Jose Maria Olazabal will be in contention all week. Might even make a run on Sunday. While I don't see him winning, I do see him making a statement that come September he will be a formidable Ryder Cup opponent.
5. The usual suspects will be in contention, Woods, Els, Donald, Singh but none of them will run away and hide when he has the chance. Opening up the way for your 2006 Masters Champion: Thomas Bjorn.