WIE WILL ROCK YOU?

The lull in the golf season that we've experienced since the Masters has seemed interminable. So with the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot on the horizon I thought it was high time to get back to discussing golf. I didn't get to see any of this past weekend's rain-soaked, Indian-cursed Memorial tournament, but I did read this incredibly funny/disgusting tidbit:

[After a rain delay] Mickelson returned to the sixth hole to find the cup had moved in the middle of the second round. Turns out someone defecated in the hole, and the only solution was to move it a few feet, along with the ball markers on the green.

Do you think the person who made a #2 on #6 left it as a present for FIGJAM? Was it merely a wet Baby Ruth bar? The world may never know.

But I suppose the biggest golf news this week concerns 16-year-old golfing phenom Michelle Wie, who is playing a 36-hole qualifier at Canoe Brook in Summit, NJ today for the chance to be the first woman to qualify for the U.S. Open.

Wie is scheduled to tee off at 8:35 a.m. on the South course and start on the North course at about 2:20 p.m. Historically, the North course has proved more challenging, particularly the final three holes: the uphill 431-yard 16th and downhill 455-yard 17th, both par-4s, and No. 18, a par-5 that is straight as a yardstick but 601 yards long.

601 yards? Yikes. Even though she can drive the ball 275-300 yards, that should be an interesting finish for her if she's still in the running at that point (-3 over 36 holes was good enough to qualify in 2005). She's one of 153 qualifiers playing for the 18 spots available, and she's on the course right now playing alongside local head pro Rick Hartmann. Thanks to the PGATOUR.com semi-live blog, we get this stunning information:

7:59 a.m. -- In case you were wondering, [Wie's] salmon sweater is almost an identical color as James Driscoll's shirt.

Ah, the magic of the Interwebs, giving us information that previously would have been considered irrelevent! Do you think people pointed out what color Carl Petersson's shirt was yesterday morning before winning the Memorial? I'm gonna say no. Get used to this kind of crap, since they give out hundreds of press passes to members of the media circus who know zero about golf.

Anyway, best of luck to Wie (click here for scorecard). It'll be good to have her around, despite the proliferation of bad puns based on her name (latest ones: "Wie've got you covered!" and "Wie bit of pressure"). And I'd much prefer having Wie on my HDTV than Tim Herron or John Daly.

UPDATE (2:15 PM): Wie is at -2 after the first 18. Just like the Sony Open, her driving was fine, but her putts did her in: Missing 7 putts inside 12 is not the prescription for winning a spot a Winged Foot against players of this talent level.

UPDATE (4:13 PM): Wie is at -1 after 24 holes. That won't be good enough, so she needs a few birdies to make it . . .

UPDATE (4:55 PM): Wie birdied the 17th, to go -2 after 26. Even after playing all day, she's still able to outdrive Gossett, who she's playing alongside. Apparently, if 36 holes doesn't decide it, they also play a PLAYOFF. That's a brutal day. Wait, it's GOLF, how bad can it be?

UPDATE (6:43 PM): After a 3 putt bogey on the 4th (31st) hole, the wheels have come off. After three straight bogies, Wie is at +1 after 33 holes, and it's officially over. A valiant effort but she came up short.

A Wie bit short.

Oh, I cannot take any more ribald punnery!