THE STATE OF THE HOCKEY UNION

Everywhere I go, it seems that everyone has caught 2007 NHL All-Star Game fever! I can't walk a foot without seeing a promotional poster or someone wearing a Kiprusoff or Staal jersey--it's crazy! With the NFL in their FOOTBALL FORTNIGHT™ and several TV shows in hiatus, anticipation for the first hockey all-star game in 3 years is at an all-time high! I'm sure everyone will be glued to their sets tonight as the NHL YoungStars Game and SuperSkills competition (why do they cram the two words together like that? That looks stupid) are presented on VS. tonight at 8 PM ET, and the All-Star Game tomorrow (same time, unless the rodeo runs late).

In case you missed it (and you did), head NHL douchebag Gary "Fucking" Bettman held a press conference yesterday to make a big announcement. Was it to:

A) ANNOUNCE A NEW MULTIMILLION DOLLAR TELEVISION CONTRACT
B) ANNOUNCE A NEW STADIUM DEAL FOR PITTSBURGH
C) APOLOGIZE ABOUT ELIMINATING 100,000 OF RYAN FITZPATRICK'S ALL-STAR VOTES AND INVITE HIM TO THE GAME
D) NONE OF THE ABOVE

If you said D, you're correct. He announced that the NHL will be using new jerseys!

"We're here to witness an evolution, not a revolution," Gary "Fucking" Bettman said. "We have worked tirelessly with the players' association and Reebok-CCM Hockey over three years to try and get this right."

Tirelessly? For THREE YEARS? With no break? That's over 1,000 days, or 24,000 hours, of agonizing over this this "uniform system". Holy shit! How many Indonesian children died during the manufacturing of these stupid polyester shirts? And they're available at the NHL store for only $349.99, or $424.99 personalized! Brilliant!

Okay, I guess they look pretty sleek, but is that really all you've got, NHL? Another way to make the hockey superfans needlessly piss away their hard-earned money? Let's not mention that a hockey hotbed like Pittsburgh will soon lose their team loaded with YoungStars, and that the league doesn't care about who its fans voted for. No, let's announce that we are using new jerseys, and you'll have to fork over an entire paycheck to buy one. What a joke.

Meanwhile, let's also gloss over the fact that the NHL's all-star showcase events are on a no-frills network that most cable/satellite customers aren't even sure they have DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. The NHL could take advantage of the fact that there's no football and hold them this weekend, which might cause some sports fans to accidentally tune-in, but that would make too much sense. Instead, let's put them on against ratings juggernauts "American Tonedeaf", "The Suitcase Opening Show", and the State of the Union address. And then let's trash the NHL the next day in the media when it gets ZERO RATINGS!

That being said, I don't really mind that no one is talking about hockey. It's a niche sport, it always has been, and always will be. As long as the local teams are still on TV somewhere, I'm happy. I don't need casual fans and housewives wearing Gionta sweaters to work and suddenly screaming "SHOOT THE PUCK!!!" in my face. I'm looking forward to seeing Nieds skate faster than ever, Brodeur trying to stop the entire Western Conference, and Ovie and Crosby play on the same line together.

Actually, I changed my mind and found an authentic Reebok jersey that I want:



Only $430.48 shipped to my house in 2-3 weeks! Wow, what a bargain! Even the website likes my purchase: Great choice! To purchase your customized jersey, click on "ADD TO CART." I even told them to sew on an "A" for "Assclown".

YOU'RE NOT SICK, YOU HAVE HOCKEY ALL-STAR GAME FEVER!