WRIST SHOTS: GIVING THANKS FOR HOCKEY

I'm going to come right out and say this, and I know faithful reader(s) of this blog will be astonished by this Thanksgiving Eve admission. But here goes:

I am thankful for hockey.

There. I'm glad that's off my chest.

As I get older, I find that following professional sports doesn't pay dividends like it used to. It was once a fantastic and fun diversion to follow your favorite teams and players, revel over the incredible winning plays and improbable comebacks, and agonize over the crushing defeats and missed opportunities. But it's an emotional investment that I find myself unable to immerse myself in. And after being prescribed medication for high blood pressure, I realized that living and dying with your team just isn't worth it.

However, hockey is a fantastic sport to watch, follow, discuss, enjoy--and get borderline crazy over. It's fast paced with passes, hits and goals happening in the blink of an eye, and team momentum changing just as quickly. Some of the best talent the sport has ever seen is on the ice right now (OVIE! SID! MARTY!), and overall the NHL is highly competitive with every game worth watching and every team having a legitimate shot at the playoffs. It also features actual skilled athletes that are in shape, not morbidly obese men crashing into each other for 5 seconds before resting, chemically enhanced he-men swatting 600 foot dingers, or (god forbid) rednecks driving cars real fast in a circle. It's a true team sport in which defense is rewarded. It's the best sporting event to watch live, and at home it benefits the most from a widescreen, flicker-free HD broadcast. Additionally, there's very little dead time for color analysts to blather incessantly about the previous play, and for showing replays from 14 different angles. It's as close to perfect as you can get (despite commissioner Gary Bettman's endless attempts to screw it up).

The best thing about the NHL right now is that the casual fan has either tuned out since the lockout, or just aren't compelled to pay attention to it anymore. This is the best thing that could happen to a hockey fan. Who wants random people at work talking about the Rangers and Devils in the playoffs who didn't see one regular season game? Who needs people suddenly wearing their team's paraphernalia (sometimes in shades of pink-oh the horror!) only when they're playing well? Not me. I'm quite happy being a hockey fan that only has to discuss hockey with OTHER HOCKEY FANS. I used to bemoan the fact that ESPN and their ubiquitous SportsCenter barely covers the NHL, but now I cherish that reality. Everything ESPN touches turns to shit (Monday Night Football, NBA, sports highlight shows), so I'm happy that they don't give the sport the time of day. This way, I'm 100% sure I don't need to watch.

Yes, I'm thankful that hockey exists, one of the best things Canada has ever invented (along with back bacon, Bill Shatner and alcoholism). HOORAY HOCKEY!

AND LET'S GO DEVILS!

(I had to slip that in.)

Photo courtesy of AP

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)



I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.


What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

DRINKY DRINKY: AUGUSTINERBRAU OKTOBERFEST BIER

Ahh, an Oktoberfest that doesn't taste like candy. Let's face it, most Oktoberfest's are 1) Good 2) Sweet as fucking hell.

I can get Paulaner by the case, but I only grabbed a 1/2 case because it's just too sweet for my taste. I like my beer bitter, sour and light.

For the record I can get Augustiner by the case too, but it costs almost 30% more. My beer store has also stopped running the 15€ case promotion, which means I have to pay at least 30€ per case now. Assholes.

Anyway on with the capsule review:

The Augustiner is lighter and less sweet than Paulaner. Even if the raters on ratebeer.com like Paulaner better than Augustiner, it doesn't matter. They're all wrong anyway.

It was a nice, light straw color. Lot's of carbonation bubbles were present. It had a nice "oktoberfest" taste without the "if-I-drink-another-one-of-these-I'm-going-to-be-sick-for-3-days" sweetness.

Anyway, that's the capsule review. I don't have time for more. I do like Augustiner better than Paulaner. However, I only bought 1 bottle of Augustiner, so now I have to switch to Paulaner.

Banjos, huh?

Umm, I don't really know what to say to this. I guess all I've got is "Banjos"



I don't hate it, btw. Well she gets all preachy in the middle there, but the music part ain't too bad.

THE DRINKY DRINKY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: DUFF BEER

Ok, so "Duff Beer" in the Simpsons is knock-off of Bud, the worst mass produced beer I've ever drank (well at least since Coors Light); but as a Simpson fan and a beer drinker, I think it's one of those fetishs that we all have: TASTE FUCKING DUFF BEER.

Well the other day, I was at the beer store buying a case of my now House beer (Schoenberg or something - don't ask, it's not that good). I was waiting for the cashier to ring up the lady in front of me and looking over the different cases of beer that they added since my last visit and I see a little hand-written sign "Duff: Simpsons beer" and I covered the 3 meters between the register and the display in 1.5 steps. I have no idea how much it cost, I really don't care. I had no idea that someone was selling Duff beer, but figured 'why not:' Fox has licensed the shit out of the Simpsons from Weber Grills to Krusty's Home Pregnancy Tests ("may cause birth defects") (ok, maybe that last one wasn't real) so why not the beer that says "fat and bald men."

Anyway, after getting back home I figured I would do a little research into this product. Wikipedia EN (which is always accurate) told me that my beer was made in Mexico for the South American market. While, I guess it's possible that there were grey market imports to Europe, the bottle itself directly contradicts this with the statement "Gebraut in Deutschland" and the website of the brewer (or at least marketer) www.duff-bier.de. This website enlightened me with the following statement:

The legendary Duff Beer gibt es jetzt auch in Ihrer Nähe!

OH REALLY! Ok, I don't speak or read German, so I headed over to Babelfish:

The legendary Duff Beer now gives it also in your proximity!

Well I guess that answers someone's question about what gives "it" in "your proximity". Ugh.

Next stop Rate Beer where "Duff Beer" gets a stunning 8th percentile in the Pilsner category...wait, that Duff is brewed in Belgium by Haacht (which sounds exactly like the sound I'll make tomorrow morning after drinking a sixer of this beer).

So, with these elements in hand, I can honestly say "I haven't the fucking foggiest idea where this beer came from, it's relationship to Matt Groening and if it has a Dry variant." Honestly, I think that someone registered the brand name "Duff Beer" in Germany (or Europe) and started producing it. I don't think it has any relationship to the Simpsons; but who the fuck cares. I'm going to go back to the beer store soon and buy the rest of their stock (like 2 cases, I think/hope).

Anyway, you came for the review, here's the review:
Painfully mediocre. But not how you think: I would expect a real Simpsons "Duff Beer" to taste kind of like Bud or Miller or Coors or something patently American and this doesn't. Since it's made in Germany they don't put rice in it, so you don't get the crisp, watery (shit) taste that rice-based beers usually bring to the table. It doesn't taste bad per se; although it has a nasty carmel/over-cooked hoppy taste to it. If I had to compare this, I would put it firmly in the generic German "beer" segment; it tastes like St. Pauli Girl or Becks (to compare it to American offerings)...actually a lot like Becks, but with that burnt hops taste omnipresent.

I'll try to get some more of this (like I mentioned) and I'll try to sneak a few back into the US next time 'round.

Anyway, I never thought I would taste Duff and it turns out I haven't. FOX/Groening will probably never officially license Duff (and I assume they'll shut down production of this stuff PDQ), just like they won't officially license "Krusty Home Pregnacy Test," but whatever; as cynical as I am, I am well-aware that, at times, I'm no better than the knuckle-draggers who watch American Idol (you fuckers came for the hate...there's a little taste).

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive (at least until hockey starts up again), I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.
__________________________

Today's link is Stuff White People Like. It's a web site (and now a book) that reads like a user's guide to getting to know white people, and it's funny because it's pretty painfully spot-on fucking true. Here's the full list, and some sample entries:

#125: Bob Marley. During the course of a white person’s education they will go through many phases including but not limited to: “awkward,” “classic rock,” and “being really into a foreign country.” Of these phases, there is only one that all white people are required to go through before they can obtain their bachelor’s degree. It is known as “Bob Marley.”

#18 Awareness. This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges. Because, the only challenge of raising awareness is people not being aware. In a worst case scenario, if you fail someone doesn’t know about the problem. End of story.

#38 Arrested Development. Since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally . . .
If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

#109 The Onion. It is so popular, that every white person home contains at least one book from The Onion. If that home is occupied exclusively by white men then said book will be located in the bathroom. There are no exceptions.

Well, my Onion Atlas used to be in the bathroom but I value it so highly I moved it, lest it get warped from the humidity. So there!

However, according to the official SWPL Facebook quiz app, I'm not as white as I thought I was:

Based on a total score of 37, you are officially 54% white and a card carrying member of the Shorts Group. Firmly in the shorts group.

Maybe that's a good thing. I'm still shocked that hockey isn't on the list yet. (I'm sure it's coming soon.)

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: BLINGEE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

_______________________________

When talking about any truly terrible website or popular trend, a lot of people throw around the terms "a sign of the Apocalypse" and "I weep for the future" around these here interwebs.

But I am not fucking around this time.

Just stare into the soulless void that is Blingee, a site that allows you to "Make Your Own Glitter Graphics And Profile Comments", and you'll see what I'm talking about.

For instance, here's a fan made "Blingee" for the Twilight series of sexy teen vampire movies:






Hurts, don't it? Probably not as much as this one, called "Me And My Cat" (After Dropping A Shit Ton Of Acid)":






I weep for our future Apocalypse.

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GEEKOLOGIE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

Today's link is Geekologie, the self-proclaimed site for "Gadgets, Gizmos and Awesome". It's quite the potpourri of weird links and bad ideas, with posts like:

• Booze Detector Reveals Purity Of Your Drink (pretty useless since it only works on currently only 6 different types of drink, I might add)
• I'm At A Loss For Words: An LOL Swastika (has to be seen to be believed)
• Fail: How Not To Use An Automatic Door (ditto)

And of course, there's always Junior hockey fight.

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GOTCHA

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

Today's link is from KLOV (Killer List of Videogames).
__________________________

I'm not going to lie: I love video games. This is directly attributable to me growing up at the height of the "arcade" era, when PAC-MAN fever was both a rampant social disease and a massive hit song, and just at the beginning of the "home gaming system" craze with the introduction of the Atari 2600 and Mattel Electronics IntelliVision.

What the early video games of the 1970s lacked in overall graphical presentation they made up for in creativity. (The opposite can be said for some of today's games, which look frighteningly photorealistic but can be boiled down to: "hey, let's shoot stuff and make things 'splode"). Programmers were frequently coming up with more alluring and addictive ways to entertain and delight. In their quest for quarters, not every idea was a winner.

Enter GOTCHA, the 4th game ever made by Atari Games in 1973. This simple 2 player arcade game consisted of a simple maze, where the object was for the "Pursuer" (a "square") to catch the "Pursued" (a "+" sign). Each player used an optical trackball to control their on-screen counterpart. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? However, this game created a bit of controversy when it was released.

First of all, let's start with the weird photo of a sweatered preppie stalker grabbing the woman on the waist from behind, which in the 70s constituted "consensual sex". Second of all, take a look at the mammary-shaped controls on the game itself. Apparently, several people who worked at Atari joked that typical video game joysticks looked too "phallic". In response, video game designers decided to create a "female" game that instead featured pink rubber bulges resembling breasts that were squeezed to control the action. The game was later re-fitted with standard joysticks, but needless to say neither version was well received.

Video game programmers must be a lonely bunch.

Reference: Wikipedia (Gotcha - arcade game)

THE OPEN: NOT EXACTLY THE CENTER OF THE FASHION WORLD

I used to do big fuckoff extravagant previews for every major golf tournament, which would only serve to amuse me and pretty much no one else. The 138th Open Golf Championship is going on right now at the Turnberry Golf Club (Ailsa Course) in Scotland, and I felt the need to comment on it. No, not on the actual golf being played, but the hideous outfits that some players have chosen to wear.

Ian "Ministry Of Silly Pants" Poulter has not disappointed, breaking out his usual British dandy fop-inspired line of attire (which sadly, he designs himself).



But the real standout has been John Daly. I can't even look directly at the pants he's wearing today; it looks like someone vomited the contents of a salad bar all over him.



Man, you can't get any worse than that. Unless you consider what he wore yesterday, which makes me just as nauseous.



I don't know if he'll make the cut, but one thing is for certain: Mr. Daly will get pants-shitting drunk after he's done. And the beauty is that you'll never even NOTICE he shit his pants.

LOUDMOUTH GOLF PANTS has all of these hideous golf fashions and more, including a "style" (or lack thereof) they call "Disco Balls". As of today, no one has had the balls to wear these beauties.

I know what you're asking: what happened to Sergio "Los Pantelones Feos" Garcia? In every previous major he's disappointed on the course; now, he's chosen to wear disappointingly tasteful pants. He doesn't even deserve a photo on this blog. How sad.

The only thing I'm going to say about Steve "Laces Out" Marino is: Cleveland Golf makes ski caps? Who knew?



In other words, it must be single malt drinking weather in Scotland. I'll drink to that!

DON'T BE A RETARD: USE OUR PHONE SERVICE

Seriously, you don't have to speak french to understand this ad.



Apparently the Down Syndrome person, Pascal Duquenne, is a known actor in France. But come on...the subtext is blatant.

MICHAEL JACKSON: CRAZY LIKE A FOX

I'm not going to say much: I didn't really care about Michael Jackson in life and don't really care in death.
He did help make a good Simpsons episode though:

Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. [stamps his hand, `INSANE'] Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

Who know how long this video will last on teh youtubes before Murdoch's hordes come along and tear it down...

BANDWAGON JUMPING 101 HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID I JUST SEE THAT?

I watch Soccer (football of the European persuasion) from time to time. I watch big matches. When I get free tickets, I go see the Bordeaux team (CHAMPIONS OF FRANCE!).

I watched maybe 20 minutes of the USA's match against Brazil in the group matches. I saw a team that was confused beyond belief and watched Brazil score 2 goals (of their eventual 3-0 pasting of the US).

I read (but did not see) that the US had gone through to the semi-final in the Confederation's Cup because the Egyptians were beat up by a bunch of South African Whores.

I knew the game was tonight, so why not watch them lose to Spain.

Spain: Reigning European Champions.
Spain: The #1 ranked team in the world
Spain: The team that hasn't lost in 35 straight games.
Spain: A disaster waiting to happen.

I was out and picked up at 48 minutes, with the US leading 1-0. The Spaniards were pressing. It's just a matter of time before they put one, then two in the back of Tim Howard's net. It was fun while it lasted.

74th minute: Whoa, what's this, the US is attacking. Oh fuck, bad pass in front of the net. Sergio Ramos, controls...Sergio Ramos gets made the biggest ass in sports today. BOOM! Clint Dempsey fucks up Spain with a icing goal.

What? We have to play 15 more minutes...Ugh.

Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.
[1 minute later] Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.

What the fuck is going on?

86th minute: Spanish control in front...Bradley steps out...tackles...Ugh...ok, free kick. Oh shit, he's going for his card...Ok, yellow card. Whatev...WHAT THE FUCK. RED CARD? FOR THAT? FUCK YOU! Seriously, that was the weakest red card I've ever seen.

But...The US has confidence now, brought on by a 2-0 lead...Killing time and (finally) 90+3 minutes. FUCK YOU SPAIN.

Now the US will get to lose to the Brazilians again...or not...yeah, they'll lose.

Holy fucking shit.

(UPDATE: This song should sum it up)

THIS BLOG'S (INTER)NET WORTH

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

I think this blog is worthless, but Technorati disagrees to the tune of $2,822.70. You may pay me in alcohol.

STAY CLASSY, COMFORT WIPE + MUSIC!

Ok, a bit of a chimera of a post here, but I've got three things I want to say and it's a hell of a lot easier to do one post:

1. Down Goes Brown has a great post on the "Stay Classy [fill in city]" Trend in hockey.

For that sin [cheering Crosby's injury], Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.
[...]
This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

Amen!

2. If you've never heard of Madrugada you probably don't listen to Radio Paradise. In any case, this is a great song, IMHO.



'Course the guitarist has to go and OD in 2007, so you won't be hearing any more from them.

3. The "Comfort Wipe" has been getting lots of press lately (which is probably making the inventor rich). If you haven't heard of the Comfort Wipe you probably don't have the interwebs (and hence aren't reading this) or you don't watch late night TV. You can watch the unadulterated ad in all it's glory on the Youtubes. For the record I use a backscratcher to get that itch, so why not consider...ok, that's not possible.

Anyhoo, Chris Bucholz from Cracked.com tried to return his for a refund. LLOL hilarity ensures:

CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
[...]
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
[...]
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
[...]
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

[BTW, I realize this may be made up or at least exaggerated...It's comedy not Climate Science...oh wait...]

BOOOOOOOOO!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).



No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.



Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:



Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":



Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .



. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.



Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

CONGRATULATIONS PITTSBURGH PENGUINS - 2009 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS

What can you say? The Penguins did it, and in dramatic fashion: they forced a Game 7 and won it on the road (first team since the 1971 Canadiens to do that) to claim the Cup. The final was a hard fought, close match-up, with no little controversy or nonsense, and the clinching game was a one goal thriller. That's all you can ask for as a hockey fan.

As for Sidney Crosby, I am genuinely happy for him, and you can count me as one of the hockey fans who will always root for him. He showed great leadership in this postseason, and let's not forget, he's only 21. Good lord. What the hell was I doing in my 21st summer? Taking a crappy ecology course at Rutgers so I could graduate college on time, and hoisting a lot of pints of Guinness. Meanwhile, this Kid is hoisting the ultimate hardware above his head.

In the end, this team didn't even need him (due to an injury in the 2nd, he only skated one shift in the 3rd), as the defense was rock solid, Mad Max Talbot scored two opportunistic goals and Flower didn't wilt under the pressure, even tallying a nice save against Lidstrom in the final second.

Evgeni Malkin earned the Conn Smythe by doing everything you could ask for in the playoffs (14 G, 22 A, 36 points in 24 games). Wait a second, who is his little Russian friend there with the polka-dotted bra? And honestly, who wears a Winnipeg Jets sweater to a Detroit game?



But hockey is, and always will be, a true team sport. In the end, this Penguins squad overcame 2-0 and 3-2 deficits to win it all without Sid or Geno scoring a goal in the last 3 games. That says a lot right there.

Oh, one other thing: SUCK IT MARIANNE!



The look on his face as the Penguins celebrate a goal is priceless. You can almost hear him saying, like GOB on Arrested Development, "I've made a huge mistake." Obviously, the Stanley Cup favorite next year is whomever he's playing against.

Additionally, not even NBCFUCKINGSPORTS could foul this up, and even let a few f-bombs drop onto their live broadcast during the celebration (yeah, I think they should know by now to keep the boom mikes at a safe distance). Honorable mention goes to my DVR, which allowed me to completely breeze by their intermission shows.

And in spite of the fact that the NHL runs the sport, we saw some great hockey this year. In closing, you have to love this Pens fan's sign: "HOSSA, THE ONLY CUP YOU'LL TOUCH IS ZETTERBERG'S".



CONGRATULATIONS, SIDSBURGH!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ZUIIKIN' ENGLISH

Leave it to the Japanese to combine "English language lessons with gymnastic exercise programs". Below are two videos that were made in 1992 by someone or something called Zuiikin' English, probably directed by the same person who made the Mr. Sparkle commercials.

I don't think I'll ever understand the Japanese.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: KIDS IN THE HALL - "LOVE AND SAUSAGES" (1993) AND "SARCASTIC GUY" (1989)

I was shopping in Trader Joe's yesterday, and they have an astonishing array of sausages: pork sausages, beef sausages, turkey sausages, spicy jalapeno chicken sausages, apple chicken sausages, Italian sausages, andouilles, kielbasas, brats--it was mind-numbing, and I stood there for nearly 10 minutes trying to make a decision.

Naturally, I thought of this surreal sketch from Kids In The Hall (which was a genuine WTF moment when I first saw it), entitled "Love And Sausages". I almost did my best approximation of Scott Thompson's "sausages!" wail in the store, too.



It's 7 minutes long, though it seemed longer at the time; I don't think you could come up with a more off-putting sketch to close a show. SAUSAGES!

Okay, if you want an actual "funny" skit, look no further than this skit featuring Dave Foley as "Sarcastic Guy".

WRIST SHOTS: LOVE SIDNEY, HATE HATERS

Hi there, fans of the internets!

Yeah, I realize that I haven't been contributing to this blog much lately, and it's for a variety of reasons. First, I find that I have nothing to say. Second, while I waste a lot of time I rarely waste it on trying to find something to blog (that award would go to NHL 09 on the PS3). Thirdly, since hockey is in the title of this blog, I feel I have to address the Devils' disastrous demise in Game 7 a few weeks ago.

I'm still shocked. And stunned. I'm shocked AND stunned, as Brent Sutter said.

Basically, I'm not ready to talk about it.

Eh, maybe I'm as ready to talk about it as I'm ever going to be. The way it happened, a swift punch to the nuts out of nowhere, ranks right up there with the most miserable losses I've had to endure, like the New York Giants losing in OT to the L.A. Rams (and Willie "Fucking Flipper" Anderson) in 1990, Carlos Beltran watching strike three in 2006 to lose Game 7 to the Cards in Shea's last postseason game, and especially Matteau's lucky-ass winning goal off of Fetisov's skate in 1994. Only the players from Winona State probably felt worse after blowing their 7 point lead in the final 45 seconds to Barton. (Yeah, that's a deep cut, but a fantastic failure.)

I even said with about 4 minutes left that I felt really uncomfortable about the tenuous 3-2 lead the Devils were holding on to for nearly the length of an entire period. Sure, I say that at the end of most Devils games (as Rob can attest) and they more often than not prevail, but this current iteration of the Devils' defense was possibly the weakest Marty's had in front of him in quite some time. As it turned out, OT DID flash in front of my eyes . . . but I never would have predicted the unfathomable last minute collapse that ended their season. In the end, Marty had no one to blame but Marty. Epic fucking fail, indeed.

Of course, the shitdick Rangers fans cheering at the other end of the bar certainly didn't help. After hearing cheering upon the game tying Jokinen goal, I basically shouted across the room, "Hey, I was actually rooting for your Rangers to win!" This way, the two teams might play each other in the Eastern finals! Because more local teams in the playoffs = more gooder. You couldn't really blame them for their glee, after they witnessed Henrik and the Blueshirts' lackluster season snuffed out a mere half hour earlier in their own shitty Game 7, after having a 3 games to 1 lead on the Komrades. But really, suck it and suck it hard, jackass haters.

(And no, it doesn't make me feel better that Zach Parise is on the Sporting News All-NHL All-Star Team, and Crosby isn't.)

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As for the actual living, breathing NHL playoff teams, we're down to the FINAL FOUR. Yeah, it looks like we might get Wings vs. Pens again, but I'm secretly rooting for the Chicago Blackhawks (I guess it's no longer a secret). If they somehow figure out how to beat the Wings, I hope they take the Cup for the first time since 1961, leaving only the Cubs as the only remaining fantastic failure in all of Chicago sports.

Other thoughts:

* MAKLIN's first playoff hat trick was something to see. Like OVIE! he seems to have the ability to WILL the puck into the goal at times. But the sick impossible angle backhand (@ 1:25) that launched a thousand hats in the Pens' 7-4 Game 2 win was a thing of beauty:



Of course, shortly thereafter they cut to Malkin's parents celebrating in the stands--good god no, we don't need to see them up on KISS CAM in the Igloo! But OMG MALKIN looks JUST like his mom! So is he showing off for his mommy and daddy? Possibly. If so, I think the Penguins have to give them a Golden Ticket that allows them to attend any Penguins game at home or on the road.

* Why doesn't NBC Sports want to cover the Sidsburgh/Caniac series? It's easy to say it's because they suck a bag of dicks (so much so that perennial NFL windbag John Madden decided to retire). But I think there's another reason: they're so cheap that they don't want to move all of their equipment to Carolina just for one (or two, if necessary) weeken games. Instead, they can focus all of their sucking along the 285 miles of highway between Chicago and Detroit.

(Also, I think Doc Emrick hates going to Carolina. I don't know if this is true, but he made a comment during the pitiful Marty-enraging Game 4 loss about the fans notorious loudness being possibly alcohol-fueled. During the postgame show he was uncharacteristically somber, looking like he wanted to smack any random redneck Canes fan that crossed his path. Just sayin'.)

* I'll just say one thing about the whole SID vs. OVIE! debate: I'd kill to have either one on my team, but Sid has really stepped up and quieted the naysayers. Of course, I'm not among them; I've always liked The Kid, but he's proven this postseason to be The Man. The only negative thing I'll say about OVIE! (that you don't find with Sid) is that when he's not scoring, he gets frustrated and runs guys from behind and/or long after the puck is gone, but he gets away with a lot because he's so talented. But really, if you're starting a team and take one of them, I'll take whichever one is left. They're both incredible hockey players.

* Regarding Kronwall's ugly looking hit against Havlat in the Hawks Game 3 win last night: it was completely clean. Unfortunately, Havlat got caught with his head down trying to corral the puck. Let's put it this way: it's nothing worse than Scott Stevens has done in the playoffs Still, somehow Kronwall got a game misconduct and 5 minute major for . . . interference? How is it interference if a guy with the puck is cleanly checked? That's the weakest chickenshit call I've seen yet in the playoffs. If it's 4 minutes for roughing I'm okay with that, but that was pathetic because it doesn't even look like a penalty to me.



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* Though I don't actively root against any teams (okay, except maybe the ones located in Philly), I have to admit I was giddy when the Bruins were handed their golf bags by the Hurricanes in OT in Game 7 (and his precious Celtics followed suit shortly thereafter). I'll say it again: Boston sports fans root for two things: the Red Sawks, and any other local team who happens to be winning at the time. No one else sums up this town's fairweather fandom like ESPN überdouche Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons. He twatted that he was pissed that he had to pay $75 for NHL Center Ice just to watch the Bruins play in Game 7 from his SoCal mansion. You might recall that he's the guy who wrote that the NHL was DEAD TO HIM during the rough patch while the Bruins were missing the playoffs. He even devoted a whole snarky column making fun of the NHL during their 2007 draft, and signed off with the following declaration:

As for the rest of the NHL, I'll see you in 12 months for the 2008 draft. And not a second before.

Well, guess what? He was back last April (less than 10 months later!) because the Bruins were back in the playoffs, and now he's got the stones to complain about paying to see the Bruins lose Game 7. What a lying, douchetastic Masshole bandwagon fan. And the foul fandom that calls itself "Red Sox Nation" (ugh) deserves nothing less than this twunt as their self-nominated president. I hope this latest turn of events turns him off the NHL, because we don't need him watching or commenting on hockey.
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So I don't know if anyone is watching but it's been a fantastic Cup playoffs so far. And while I'm jinxing teams, allow me to say . . . LET'S GO HAWKS!

DRINKY DRINKY: ELLEZELLOISE HERCULE STOUT

I have this funny feeling that the meeting between the CEO of Ellezelloise and the brewmaster went something like this:

CEO: "What's the best known stout in the world"
BM: "Guinness, for sure"
CEO: "Ok, use Guinness as a reference and make something twice as good"
BM: "umm..."

The brewmaster, knowing this task impossible, said to himself, 'what the fuck? I'll make it twice as bubbly...and twice as strong; then go drink some real Guinness."

And bam! Hercule stout rings in at 9% ABV and all kinds of bubbly. I didn't even know that in Belgium they knew how to make stouts, but lo-and-behold, they do.

I actually thought of the previous conversation after taking the first sip...It didn't go too well. Too many bubbles. and too much molasses. But having drank a good part of the 33cl bottle, I'm liking the taste a little more. It's still too sour for my taste, but the bubbles aren't as offensive. And I'll be damned if the 9% ABV isn't rushing to my head.

This beer is ruined by the too-high alcohol content. If it was 7%, it would be easier to take.

All this may be for naught, because as I have previously mentioned (I'm sure I have, but I'm not going to go look for the link), I'm not a stout drinker. I prefer my beers blond, not black...and no, I won't continue that sentence. I just checked on Ratebeer and they fucking love this stuff (98th percentile for Imperial Stouts).

Don't listen to me. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Final word: Too strong, too sour. Other than that - Awesome fucking beer. And you can quote that.

Final Final Word: this is a beer to drink in a beer bar (Ginger Man anyone?), with friends. It's not a beer to drink at 7:30 pm on a Monday (and even less so for 7:30am on Monday!) It's too complex to be appreciated when you just want something to wash away your case of the mondays.

DEAR JOHN STEWART, DEAR STEPHEN COLBERT,

FUCK YOU, YOU ASS JOCKEYS.



















For the record I realize this is probably not their, personal decision, but it doesn't matter. I can blame whomever I want.

Bittorrent, here I come.

EPIC FUCKING FAIL

WRIST SHOTS LITE II: ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION

Yes, the Caps are now a better team that The Donald is sitting for 6 games. I actually had a couple of things that I wanted to say that I forgot to say the other day.

- You can never have enough puck bunnies on a blog. Congrats to the Hawks on making her (--->) the happiest person on this blog today.

- Brashear doesn't not deserve to be suspended, but he does not deserve (still with me) to be suspended 5 games for that Blair Betts hit. I'm as neutral as you're going to find on this. I like OVIE, but I do support the Rangers generally against any West Coast team, and most of the East. It was late, it was dirty and like Jeff said yesterday

One of the commenters makes a great point: Brashear was actually going after Voros, who had just cleanly checked him, but as he turned and skated towards him, Voros went to the bench. So to get the "BRASHEAR SMASH!" voice out of his head, he had to hit SOMEONE, and that lucky someone was Betts.

In summary, Brashear = No discernible hockey talent. But that hit does not equal 5 games, when Stampy Pronger has done much worse and gets one game max. In some cases (Cammalleri & Carcillo) the "reputation" of a player can/should have some incidence on the final penalty, but Stampy stamps and Brashear Smashes and while the crimes are similar (IMHO) the penalties are not.
I do not feel that a players injury (or lack there of) is grounds for determining the penalty. The intention is more important. Pronger, when he stamped on Kesler's leg, was looking to hurt someone in a way that is significantly worse than The Donald trying to just get the "HIT SOMETHING" voice out of his head. Let's be honest, he didn't even get his elbow into it - it was all shoulder (still illegal, of course, for it's lateness).

The league is making supplemental discipline a joke. You never know from one day to another what's going to happen. There's no consistency and they've made it quite clear that they will not suspend a key player for longer than a game no matter the offense. Like I said, Donnie deserves to be suspended and I'm not going to lose any sleep over the 5 games for him, but I think it's just one more incident that the league basically says "fuck if we know what we're doing." I think the great Wysskshisksisksisksi mentioned this a couple of days/weeks back, but they may as well have Maggie the Puck Monkey spin a wheel on suspensions in the playoffs - it'd at least be as consistent as Colin "don't call me a Colon" Campbell.

- The Sabres needed a change in coaching. I'm the first one to say that I like Lindy. I think he's a great coach. I think he's an intelligent guy and all that shit and yes I like his presence behind the bench, but let's face it - in 11 years he's got nothing to show for it. They lost to the league's incompetence in 1999, they lost in 2006 because of, among other things, 5 starting defensemen going down in the Conference finals and it's been freefall since then.

Lindy does not seem to be able to say to these guys "yeah, Danny and Chrissy were good leaders, but you fucking cunts need to pick up your game and prove that you don't all have manginas." He needs to find a way to convince these guys that it's their team to run now. It's like your neighbor who's husband cheated on her 10 years ago and she's still complaining about how it ruined her life. Nope, you're ruining your life by focusing on it. The only way to save the patient is to cut out part of the disease. It should have been "goodbye Lindy." I'll be happy to eat my words in May 2010, but I don't think I'll have to.

- In the same vein - how is Darcy Reiger still in charge up there? I don't focus on the GM as much as the coach, but this is the guy that let Briere, Drury and Campbell slip away in recent years still there. I don't think that Briere and Campbell are that big of a deal, but as I said back then, Drury was the guy they needed to keep. Yes, they've stepped up lately, signing Miller long term, matching the Oil's offer sheet on Vanek (which they had absolutely no choice, but to do - Reiger would've been tarred, feathered and burnt at the stake had he let that slip away). But they also seem to be terrified now of letting the next Drury get away; signing Hecht through 2012 (at 3-point-what million?) and now locking down Crystal Tim through 2011. I don't know. I think the Sabres needed to get some spring cleaning done and have total regime change.

Anyway: we're stuck with Lindy and Darcy (what the [Gretzky] is it with "y" names up there?) for at least another year. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

- Last point. Lindy's probably going to lead Canada to a Silver or Gold at the IIHF Championships. This is further proof that they need a change up in Buffalo. He's too good of a coach to be doing such a shitty job. Get it? He needs a fresh start and so do the Sabres. His coaching style doesn't work anymore for the Sabres.

- [Update] Last, last point: The dickheads in the head office want nothing more than to see Syd v OVIE for the Eastern Conference final, of course - it's probably their two most marketable assets right now, but they are not fixing the games or telling the refs to not call/over call anything. The Rangers got beat by the Caps in the last two games (badly). No decision that the refs made had a discernible difference on the fact that they got bitch-slapped by WAS. I didn't watch Game 6 of Philty v Crysburgh but all accounts say the Pens got fired up by Carillo's idiocy and had an epic comeback.
Conspiracy theories are something to hide behind when your team sucks.

Just to make you day that much happier here's so of Dall-asses' icegirls. I tried to search google images for "hot sabres fans" and found this picture (I wish I were kidding) so you get Texas chicks instead.

WRIST SHOTS LITE: KRIS CHECKS IN

I'm assuming that Ms. Timide la puck lapin is going to be traumatized...It's your job to make her feel better.

- I'd rather be a Sabres fan than a Sharks or Montfaux fan right now... The Sabs sucked pretty much all year and didn't disappoint. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They say it's better to have loved and lost...I say it's better to stay in a dark room and drink cheap Scotch and troll for free internet pr0n than it is to have "loved" so-to-speak.

- I almost feel bad for Jesus Price, but then I really think about it and I don't. HAHA HABNOTS! The schadenfreude runs deep in this case. Except for her <--. I feel her pain.

- Have the retarded talking heads always discussed about how the superstars are "taking a lot of [verbal] abuse" or is that new? I seem to remember the same story ie: Ignila last year..Now they're talking about Crysby...Come on, they're pros...they're big targets...that's the bloody job of the agitators. You think that people didn't talk to Wayner or to Rocket Ricard? I'm sure they did even if Ricard could beat the living shit out of you and McSorely was always there to clean up Gretzky's problems, they still talked [The Great One (via PD]. Come on...

- Any minute now Torts is going to jump the boards and beat the living shit out of Avery when he takes an idiotic penalty. It's gonna be off the hook.

- Canadian broadcasters are better than their American-employed counterparts (they're pretty much all Canadians, aren't they?), but CBC and TSN still suck almost as bad as NBC (I don't know that I've ever seen a VS. broadcast). Plus there's so much exchange...Milbury, Panger, cueball McGuire...ugh. Can't they find like 3 analysts that don't suck?

Anyway. Contrary to Kammann, I hope that Philthy wins. I fucking hate the Pens with a passion. I don't know why - self-righteousness (on their fans part, mine is justified) plays a part. At the very least, at least there weren't empty seats in the Igloo (or in Philly for that matter). Sorry Devils fans, but that just sucks balls. And they weren't the worst...I watched some of the 2nd WINGS/BJs (has to be the best contraction of a team-name ever) game and literally 1/2 the lower seats were empty...Of course, the NHL had this as a sell-out crowd. Fuck you Gary. Fuck you.

Further contrary to Kammann - I loved every minute of fantasy hockey (well, except losing to Jeff's KOD squad in the end)...It kept me abreast (that's what she said!) of the happenings of the NHL and made me pay attention to players who I would otherwise completely ignore. Explain to me why I like Corey Perry? He's a little [Gretzky] but he pulled his weight this year for the No Homers and for that I am happy.

Congrats to Jeff. May his Single Malt bring only misfortune and hangovers.

WRIST SHOTS: CUP CRAZINESS

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are here! I used to post a big ridiculous preview extravaganza, but that grew tiresome. Instead, let's take a look at the local matchups, and make a few quick picks.

Devils (3) vs. Hurricanes (6). What a strange season it was for the Devils. It was supposed to be a year-long Marty Party, as the team celebrated his setting career records for wins and shutouts and cemented his legacy as one of the best goalie ever. Instead, he got injured early on and merely bookended the season in goal, looking vulnerable for the first time in his career. The team was deep enough to rally with Clemmensen replacing him, but seemed to relax too much on defense once he returned. I have no doubt this team can focus for the playoffs, play tight D and score goals with their Zach-aided Attack, but how deep can they go? As always, it's on Brodeur. Regardless, I like their chances in this series. Devils in 6.

Rangers (7) vs. Capitals (2). If you thought the Devs had a weird season, the Rangers' season may have been weirder. The Blueshirts blasted out of the box, winning their first 10 of 13 games. Then, just as suddenly the goals dried up, the defense looked like a sieve, and the team played dull, unmotivated hockey games that mostly ended in shootouts, and before long Renney the Robot was shown the door. John "Asshat" Tortorella semi-righted the ship, and while Drury and Gomez thrive in this scenario, and Gavery's douchebaggishness can't be counted out, Lundqvist will have to play perfect between the pipes for them to win. The scary thing is, he can. I have to be honest: besides the irrepressible OVIE! and Mike Green, I don't particularly like this Caps team very much, and I certainly don't see them being carried by Theodore. Rangers in 7.

My Blognostications. From the beginning of the season, I got 6/8 of the playoff teams correct in each of the two conferences (my incorrect picks being Buffalo, Ottawa, Minnesota and Edmonton). I deserve some sort of medal for that, right? Okay, I blew it by not picking Boston, but getting St. Louis has to count for something. Oh, and thanks again, Sabres, for letting me down once again.

Battle of the Keystone State. I have to say that although it's not the fashionable thing to do, I'm rooting hard for Sid and the Pens, who got hot at just the right time (and MAF picked up his game as soon as I dropped him from my fantasy team--no, it had nothing to do with the coaching change). I want them to crush the phucking Philthy Lyers.

Teams That Piss Me Off And I Just Wish Would Go Away. Along with Philthy Lyers, the Ducks and the Predators just annoy me.

Welcome To The Big Ice Dance. Columbus, glad you could make it. Congratulations on your first playoff berth. Your reward? The Detroit Fucking Red Wings. Ugh, this will be ugly. Whichever Mason they have is going to have to stand on his head to get out of the 1st round.

The Team Least Built For The Playoffs. Normally, this is where I shit in the Sharks' tank, but I think they will fare much better this season. Meanwhile, the Bruins cruised through the regular season with a surprise goalie tandem, finesse scorers, and very little toughness or defensive defensemen (except for Chara)--all things that just don't add up to postseason success. I think this is where the road ends. But hey, Beantown will always have BU's NCAA championship to hang their helmets on.

Canadian Team Most Likely To Succeed. Much to Gary "Fucking" Bettman's dismay, 50% of the teams from the Great White North are in the second season. Out of the 3, I have to say Calgary will go the furthest, as I'm just not impressed with Montreal (mainly due to Jesus Price's shoddy tending), or Vancouver (and their lack of scoring).


Surprise Team That Could Make The West Finals. The Blackhawks. I just like their young talent, and their young talented female ice girls.

Congratulations to the Islanders, for getting the #1 pick in the NHL Draft. All of that intense sucking finally paid off!

In closing . . .



OHBFHL CHAMPS! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but then what the hell is the point of a blog if I can't do that? Let's just say that my KISS OF DEATH team won the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy Hockey League (OHBFHL) after a tense CHAMPIONSHIP FORTNIGHT battle with Kris' NO HOMERS squadron. It reminded me why I simultaneously love and hate fantasy leagues, and how they can be equal parts fun and frustrating: getting the other managers to give a shit, picking up players who suffer season-crippling injuries (which was my forte), choosing to go with a goalie right as he's about to shit the crease -- it's all part of the game. All I know is that I earned that bottle of single malt I'm going to receive soon.