HAPPY MAY!

It's the time of year when the smell of driveway sealant, pollen, and vanillaroma is in the air everywhere you go. Except for the fact that I hate my job, and my apartment, and my car has 139,000 miles on it and will probably explode at any minute, it's been a magical spring. I didn't really blog the last few days because I was feeling kind of under the weather. As soon as I got to my sister's house Saturday, after my niece already kissed me on the lips several times, my sister informed me that she wasn't feeling well and threw up the previous day. Translation: she's carrying some sort of virus and just gave it to you! Gee, great, what is that, bubonic? Predictibly, I felt nauseous Tuesday night and all day yesterday (which I blamed on my mom's leftover ziti, but I think we know better), but was able to fight it with a two hour nap and an army of antacids shoveled down my throat. Anyway, here's a bunch of crap I decided to write about:

WIN OR LOSE, HIT THE BOOZE
Sandis Ozolinsh was pulled over in White Plains on Wednesday morning and charged with DWI after weaving through traffic and doing 66 in a 40 MPH zone and blowing a 0.17 blood alcohol level (the limit is 0.08). Kris said today: "How is that two middle class guys from Rockland know that when you go on a bender in White Plains, you take a cab, but the guy who makes $2.75 mil per year doesn't. I guess if I was Sandis, I would be looking to fall off the wagon after the series that he just played, and what better place to do it then in Westchester."

I couldn't agree more, I just wonder if Boo-ozolinsh went to James Joyce. When I first read the story, I thought that read that he was pulled over at 1 am, but it was 11 am. Wow, that's impressive. I have trouble processing that, but then again can't fathom being booed by 20,000 of my own supposed "fans" (as Karl said, the "Ozolinsh Mob"). In the Rangers defenseman's defense, I doubt there are any DWI laws in Russia; otherwise, no one would get anywhere. And if he had been driving in East Rutherford or Moonachie, NJ, they would have patted him on the back and let him go with a warning.

Speaking of, when Prucha scored against the Devils, I was booing, NOT saying "Proooo-kah". Just wanted make myself perfectly clear, unlike the moronic Red Sox fans at Fenway on Monday, who were clapping and booing Johnny Damon simultaneously. Yes, you could see that's what half of the crowd was doing. Well, which is it??? You love to hate him, or hate to love him? I wish everyone would just shut up and root for their laundry, then no one would drive drunk. This has been a public service announcement.

YOU BETTOR, YOU BET
The first leg of the Triple Crown, the Kentucky Derby, is this Saturday, and your guess is as good as mine as to which of the 100 horses will win (okay, maybe it's 20); I just hope the stores aren't out of mint for my juleps. Rob pointed out that the highest payout for a Kentucky Derby winner since 1970 was Giacomo, who won at 50:1 odds in 2005. On the other hand, "Going off at odds of 1:2, the great Seattle Slew returned the least for your $2." That horse was NOT human, as Mr. Francesser would say.

In John Daly's new book, he claims to have lost 50-60 million dollars betting during a 12 year period. Egads. I'll never make that much money in my entire life, and he had that much cash sitting around to lose on betting. That's beyond ridiculous.

Question: How many Exacta bets would you have to make to cover all 20 horse combinations?
Someone with any math knowledge please leave a comment with the answer. I bet Daly would know.

HIS NAME WAS EARL
Sad news: Tiger Woods' dad Earl died yesterday. Right now I wouldn't want to play Tiger at Scrabble, let alone anything golf related. It's weird that I respect and admire Tiger more than Phillis Lefty Figjam Mickelson, but there it is. Best wishes to Tiger and his family (his real family, not Nike). When is the next good golf tournament anyway? For all of the complaints/threats of a non-stop PGA season, there's been a hell of a lull since the Masters.

LOST SUSPENSE
Virtually nothing has happened on ABC's show "Lost" for about three months to move the plot forward. However, since May is Sweeps Month, on last night's episode there was a flurry of activity, wherein two people were shot before the shooter turned the gun on himself! Yeah, it's ratings season, it's just a coincedence. Anyway, that's how the episode abruptly ended, with three people pumped full of lead--that would have been a pretty good cliffhanger, right? Sure, if they hadn't ruined it SECONDS LATER in the preview teaser for next week's episode, during which they inform you that the shooter is alive, and just made it look like someone else killed the other two people! Way to blow the suspense, assholes! Oh, and after the season's over, if you were NOT planning on having a life and spending ANY time outside this summer, you can sit by your computer and play an online scavenger hunt game based on the "Lost universe" (crap, that sounds like pathetic Trekkie territory), up until Season 3 starts in September. Wee!

THE AVOCADO ALBUM?
Pearl Jam just released their new album on May 2, creatively titled, uhm, Pearl Jam (I sure hope the songwriting is more inventive). This may or may not be their second eponymously titled release, since early copies of what is now called "vs." were merely called "Pearl Jam" (and in some cases, "Five Against One", which is apparently according to Wikipedia, a collector's item). The current leader for the most eponymously titled albums is Peter Gabriel, who has three. Personally, while I like some of the songs on "Peter Gabriel", I much prefer it to "Peter Gabriel". If you don't have any of them, I would recommend starting with "Peter Gabriel", which is much more accessible than "Peter Gabriel".

PLAYING THE BLAINE GAME
I hate magicians who aren't named Penn or Teller, especially attention whore/illusionist David Blaine. He's been getting an assload of press this week just for sitting in a water filled bubble with an oxygen tank somewhere in midtown Manhattan. Apparently, we're also supposed to be excited to watch him stay underwater without breathing on live TV on a show called "David Blaine: Drowned Alive". Hmmm, so you're saying if he doesn't drown this weekend, that means he's a liar, not to mention a complete failure. I can't fathom why anyone would care about this. Will I tune in? Don't hold your breath! ZING!