WRIST SHOTS: PITCHFORK VS. SABRE

Kris greeted me with this little beauty in my email this morning:

"after all my optimism for the f--king Sabres they go and do f--k all. screw that. i'm done. they'll not make it and I don't effing care. Let's go Ran-Gers!"

Two things about this irked me. One, it pegs Kris as a Buffalo bandwagon jumper, and two, it was constructed to get under my skin as I'm a Devils fan. (Three, the use of "f--king and "effing" in the same email--well, which one is it?) I pretended it bothered me by stating I will never ever root for his jerkass team again, and that his optimism doesn't help them win games. His best comeback was to call them "boring", a hack analysis endlessly regurgitated by every two-bit sports critic since they put a rink in the Swamp. This is as tired and clichéd a statement as "don't root for Buffalo teams as they will eventually choke on moose cock in the end".

Since I bleed red and black (I should get that checked by a physician) maybe it's relative and I'm a little biased. But with guys like Gionta, Madden, Parise, and Elias (when he's healthy), and Marty playing possibly having his best season ever (think about THAT), and Sutter employing a forechecking system that has nicely payed off, this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations. I'd certainly take them over an undisciplined, punchless team filled with Vaneks and Maxims who score hat tricks in an 8-4 loss while missing the playoffs. For the Devils (or anyone), I realize that the playoffs are all that matter, but I'm seriously worried about them. They've been handing out points to fellow Atlantic foes like free soup . . . at a place . . . where they give out free soup. Yeah, I suck at analogies, just like the Devils suck at scoring goals (0-3-1 over the last 4, with 3 goals scored). I want them to rest Marty down the stretch, and maybe even dust off Weekes play against the Rangers. REST HIM. NOW. LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

Kris (with his team sitting 5 points out with 6 to go, and his back clearly at the wall) went on to say, "At least we didn't get shutout last night". (I guess he was being facetious, referencing the Sabres 6-3 loss to the Sens in which they gave up 5 unexplained goals, including Miller's awesome 4 goals allowed in a 6 minute stretch.) But really, WTF does that matter? A (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss. Or is it? Yes it is. Unless they encorporate that into the scoring system, like the new improved Open Hockey Blog Awesome Scoring System (OHB-ASS)™:

Shutout loss = 0 points
Non-shutout loss = 1 point
Loss, but Ovechkin/Maximvanek/Malkincrosby/Okvagbakbfvkabprov gets a hat trick = 2 points
Win in shootout = 3 points
Win in regulation = 4 points
OT loss = -2 points
OT win = 7 points

I know what you're going to say, and yes, the 7 points is definitely very "MTV Rock n' Jock". But screw it, I think it's a winner!

So yes, the Devils got shutout last night 2-0 by the Sidsburgh Crosbys, but they also got completely jobbed by the refs. Mirroring a similar play in the Sabres/Rangers game a few weeks back, they waved off a Devils goal because of "goalie interference" midway through the 2nd. Check out the highlight reel starting at 1:08:



Watch as Betang (who lost his stick) grabs Asham around the waist, and pushes him into goalie MAF with his right hand (AND even pushes his own goalie down!) as the Devils score the tying goal. Marvel as you witness Betang make the "wave it off" motion, which I'm guessing he did because he knew he was guilty. And yes, the Penguins' commentators agree with me that it was complete horseshit (my words, not theirs). I love crap officiating as much as the next guy, but when it means the difference between "tied for the division lead" and "4 point cushion" and possible playoff seeding, it really boils my gnocchi.

As we look at the playoff picture, it appears that the Buffalo Sissies have taken a pass and will allow the shitacular Philthy team in, while Boston might get passed by the Evil Kapitals for #8. (Just think of the masturbatory sports reporting that will surround a first round 1/8 Crosby/Ovie matchup. Oh, the horror!) The Devils seem to have no jump right now and will probably end up in the dreaded 4/5 series. Can we start the playoffs now so Ottawa can eliminate them and I can get on with my life? (Okay, maybe that's a bit much. They'll lose in the second round of the le playoffs de Coupe Stanley ala Antoine.)

I didn't know that Armée Sens (is that like KISS ARMY?) used the slogan "EMISSION". That army sounds faaaaaabulous! (Sorry, it's EN MISSION. My mistake.)

In conclusion and in support for lazy wrap-up phrases, I root for the Devils because they're not filled with sissy Europeans or crazy Russians, they're lousy with Amuricans. Actually, maybe that's their problem. Meh. Call me when the playoffs start, until then I'm going to be watching NCAA basketball (at least until Villanova's final game, which might come sooner than you think).

Karl pointed this out to me: Devils LW Jay Pandolfo played in his 700th game last night. That's pretty astonishing. He's one of those players that doesn't stand out, but is completely solid and fits like a glove into the Devils' system. You can't imagine any other team picking him up because he doesn't have "numbers", but he's a team guy, which is perfect for a team that doesn't care about individual achievement. Yeah, that's the most exciting Devils news I have, because they're so booooooring. Or as I like to call it: they get the job done.

When I'm choosing weapons, I'll take the pitchfork over the sabre every time.

BLOODHOUND GANG "RALPH WIGGUM"

Thanks to Rob for directing me to this. It's the Bloodhound Gang, previously known for their "Fire Water Burn" and "The Bad Touch".



Bloodhound Gang "Ralph Wiggum" [YouTube]
Ralph Wiggum Soundboard

2008 NCAA TOURNAMENT WEEKEND REVIEW: THE BRAZEN WILDCATS!

NCAA tourney opening weekend is always my favorite. Now that the first 4 days of the 2008 version are behind us, I have to say it was quite an enjoyable ride. It certainly doesn't hurt that Villanova are in the Sweet Sixteen with wins over Clemson and Siena. Actually, it helps a lot.

It didn't start off well: Thursday was one of the most lackluster and ugly first days of the NCAA which included two records that schools would rather not have: Cornell getting its Ivy ass kicked due to an awful 15.6% first half field goal percentage, and Miss. (I ain't typing all those S's) Valley State's atrocious 29 points, both shot-clock era low points. The biggest disappointment was Duke not getting upset by Belmont, which I (sort of) predicted. However, things really picked up on Friday. In Tampa, all four lower seeded teams won (Villanova, Siena, Western Kentucky, San Diego), the first time in the tourney it's ever happened . . . and they were all seeded #12 or higher. At the top of my list is, of course, Villanova's upset of Clemson.

As for the rest of the weekend, you can read all about the various upsets and bullshit, but the only thing that matters to be is NCAA FRIDAY. In what has become an annual tradition, Rob & I took the day off and spent the day in White Plains. So let's give out the NCAA (Good) Friday awards:

MVP: The Brazen Fox. We intended to just use Rory Dolan's new bar in White Plains as a meeting point, but we ended up spending most of the afternoon there. With a stellar beer selection (Chimay Blue, Orval, Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA/Raison D'etre, Piraat, Leffe Blonde, Samuel Smith's Organic Ale/Oatmeal Stout, Anchor Porter, Franziskaner), plentiful HD flat screens (albeit no DirecTV) and WiFi, it was hard to tear ourselves from their bar stools. The bartender was slow, otherwise we would have cleaned them out. As a result of our top loaded night, we never made it to the Sports Page.

Most Enjoyable Upset: San Diego's first-round OT ouster of UConn, a first for Calhoun's Huskies. Judging by the one man cheering at the game's conclusion, Rob was the only one to pick the Toreros on his bracket.

Rookie of the Year: Elements. Brian (formerly the manager of James Joyce) has opened a jewel of a restaurant on Mamaroneck, with a modern design that nicely breaks up the Irish pub monotony on the block: a long, sleek bar with nice mosaic tiling, dark wood on the walls, light wood on the ceiling. Add to the list a rooftop deck for 96 patrons (a first for the city which will be opening soon, though I got a sneak peak), and he has hit a homerun with this place. He actually remembers us from the other side of the street (even after he was AWOL for a year), and it's that personal touch that's going to keep me coming back. That and the rooftop deck on which I will be practically living this summer. Did I mention the rooftop deck?

LVP: Me. After a solid 8 hours of drinking, I predictably hit the wall and decided that I simply couldn't drink another drop. When I got home safely and saw the 'Cats down 39-23 to the Tigers in the first half, and realized that CBS was gleefully cutting away from it for other games, I chose sleep (and good memories of the day) instead. (Plus, I had to drive to my sister's house in NH at 4:30 the next morning to go skiing, so I had an excuse). Of course, as soon as I got in bed they stormed back from an 18 point deficit to win by 6. I blame CBS for this, as they scheduled Villanova's game for 9:40 PM (actual tip-off was 9:57 PM) for the second straight year. I know it's a Friday, but why screw two East Coast schools like that? Don't they know I've been drinking since noon? I'm only one man!

Once again NCAA Friday was a roaring success, and beat the shit out of working. As for the rest of the weekend, here's my opinions.

Least Impressive Conference: PAC-10. Not only did 3 of 6 lose in the first round (Oregon, USC, Arizona St.) but the supposed world beaters UCLA looked soft (squeaking by Texas A&M by 2), and Stanford looked beatable (managing to beat Marquette in OT). Washington St. turned out to look the strongest, which is totally bizarre and doesn't bode well for them. The PAC is wack!

Interesting Development: Big East ended up being better than ACC. I've been saying the Big East was weak this year, but I had no idea that the ACC was even weaker (UNC is the only legit contender still around, and they don't play defense). Head-to-head, Big East teams beat ACC teams in key spots, namely 'Nova (8th in BE) over Clemson (3rd in ACC), and WVU (HUGGIE BEAR!) over Duke on Saturday.

Most Satisfying Upset: On the flipside, Georgetown's loss to Davidson (for the record, my brother-in-law coined the phrase "Davidson beats Goliath" before CBS did). I've been saying for months (to anyone who whould listen) that Georgetown is overrated. WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN? (I also said Villanova shouldn't be in it, and here they are.) And once again, how many John Thompsons and Patrick Ewings to you expect us to endure?

My thoughts about Dickie V. Okay, I know he's turned into an unbearable buffoon, but I blame that on ESPN more than anything else. I still think Vitale's enthusiasm for the game is second to none, and his knowledge of it excellent, however ESPN encourages him to be an annoying caricature of himself. Instead of giving him a forum to be a top analyst, they only allow him to spew nonsensical catchphrases for a few minutes a day; instead of showcasing his knowledge, they ridicule him on highlight shows by showing pictures of him wearing a Cinderella dress. This is just more proof that ESPN is now completely focused on entertainment and not sports, and it's a shame. I would love it if he told them to fuck themselves (preferably live, on the air) and got a job with CBS or FOX or someone else.

Bracket Buster Bluth: That would have been the name of my entry, had I officially done one. Overall, my fake-bracket is surprisingly okay, with 11/16 and all Final Four teams still around (Tennessee, Wisconsin, UCLA, Memphis).

The Madness will continue in earnest on Thursday night, and I'm happy to have someone still in it to root for (but for how long, FOR HOW LONG?). As for Friday night's Villanova/Kansas matchup, I believe this 'Cats team will scratch away until the bitter end, so let's just hope that the Jayhawks once again decide to crap out early. All I can say for sure is that there will be a lot of drinking.

DRINKY DRINKY: WORTHINGTON'S WHITE SHIELD

For weeks I've been meaning to go to the beer store to get beer. I even made it there last week, but they were having some sort of concert and the parking lot was full up and I wasn't about to abandon my car at the traffic light, just for some beer (their selection isn't that good). I finally got there today with the full intention of buying some of the best German Beers know to man, since Germania is just around the corner from SW France and all. Well they didn't have any of the 22 bestest Germans, but they did have number 23: It's in the tasting queue. That's a phrase that I think I'll start using more...the "tasting queue." I don't have an alcohol problem, I have a tasting queue and being that it's a "queue" you've got to make sure that things keep moving.

Anyway, enough blahblah, we're here to discuss a beer. William Worthington's White Shield to be exact. A Coors Brewers Ltd. production (macrobrewers make baby Jesus cry). I realized this after I got home, actually after I started reading the ratebeer review (where it was ominously marked MolsonCoors) that Pete Coors had his slimy hands in this before I swilled it. The media copy is great, if you're into that kind of shit:

Defiant survivor of 1820s IPA tradition, when only the most flavoursome beers (the Silver Bullet would've been well-dead before the lines were cast in Bristol) endured the arduous voyage round the Cape of Good Hope. White Shield is the bottled live beer that matures with age.

It goes on like that for another 20 lines or so, proving once again that good beer is what the marketers tell us. Ok, ok, I critique, but I love. I really do like this beer (I liked it more before I knew it was a MolsonCoorsFuckingMacroTwuntBeer). You kind of hope that the mother company didn't have a hand in the final product. I do like it. It's not a bitter as many IPA's (which is good because it's not really hot enough here today for IPAs). It has flavour out the arse, although as time passes (and the beer warms) it's getting sweeter. Regardless, it's better than any other beer that I've ever tasted by MolsonCoors by miles. and that's what counts at the end of the day, isn't it?

I do like the bottle-conditioning. I like that when you pour it into a pint glass, a bunch of yeast falls out too. I like that it's not the normal beer I drink during the week (I'm quite sick of Stella and Carlsberg). It's got flavor. Something that is unknown to beer (almost all beer, including the macroimports) in France.

You will not read that it gives has a good head. You will not read the colour of the product. You will not read that there were hints of cinnamon and anis and fucking lavender. You'll drink it because we at Open Hockey, your objective superiors, say that you will drink it. Or you'll drink it because it's good. Whatever works for you.

This product or service receives the Open Hockey stamp of approval. White Shield: I don't mind the taste of it.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? BOND GIRL EDITION

This is Olga Kurylenko, who will be starring in the new 007 film with the staggeringly obtuse title Quantum of Solace. That sounds like an awful Cinemax soft porn movie.

Regardless, Olga hates pants. Don't believe me? There's more proof here. But there's more to her besides lingerie. This is from Olga's profile on my favorite Russian bride website:

I like these kinds of music:	disco, pop, electro
My favorite cuisine:	Russian, Italian
I like these physical activities:	swimming, billiard, large tennis
More about me:	Careful, with excellent(different) sense of humour. Very much I like to learn a lot of new, to travel. And flew to me very much it is pleasant to have fun with the friends in clubs. In soul kind, but I like and to bite.
My perception of an ideal relationship:	The man of my dream should be courageous, but in too time romantic. He(it) should have good sense of humour, and as sharp mind(wit). To me the man which is necessary all world would present me and has made me by his(its) queen. It would be desirable to feel tenderness, care and caress.The man, which will understand me also of signs such what I is. I want simply to like and to be happy.

Well put, Olga. (Might be true.)

WRIST SHOTS: BATTLE FOR THE ATLANTIC!

This is what my latest Devils Dispatch email is dramatically calling the final stretch. With only 8 points separating the bottom team from the top (ignoring the Islanders, of course), we haven't seen a battle for the Atlantic this huge since the Spanish Armada clashed with the British in 1588. And we all know how that turned out, with the Spaniards being kicked out of the pantry.

It starts tonight with the Rangers at the ROCK. The Devils haven't been able to figure out the Blueshirts this season, losing all 5 so far. Here's the breakdown of the interdivisional games left for the four teams still in the hunt.

New Jersey (9 of 10 remaining games): NYR, NYI, @PIT, PIT, @NYR, PHI, @NYI, @PHI, NYR
N.Y. Rangers (9/9): @NJ ,@PHI ,PHI, NJ, @PIT, PIT, @NYI, NYI, @NJ
Pittsburgh: (8/9): NJ, @NYI, @NJ, NYI, NYR, @NYR, PHI, @PHI
Philadelphia: (8/8): NYR, NYI, @NYR, @NJ, @NYI, @PIT, NJ, PIT

For the Devils, the main team in their way of the division crown is the Pittsburgh Crosbys. It remains to be seen when he will be back to save hockey once again, hopefully it will be on the game of the week on NBC: NOTHING BUT CROSBY! For the Rangers, the biggest obstacle is, as always, the Rangers. Oh, and phuck the Flyers. I really don't want to see them and Danielle's -30 plus/minus in the playoffs.

As for the rest of the Wales . . . looking at the standings a few weeks ago, you could assume that Florida was dead, losing 8 of 10 and sinking like a dead marlin. But with wins in their last 7 (including two in OT) they are suddenly in the playoff race? Though it's probably too little too late, I suppose it's great for the fans. But I hate how teams can go on massive losing streaks, play horrible hockey for months on end, and still be right in the postseason hunt. Philthy has come back from the dead at least 4 times this season; the Rangers lost 8 of 10 in January, and then won 10 of 13 last month to continue their rollercoaster ride; Buffalo has been listless for the first 3/4 of the season, including a 10 game winless streak, go a mediocre 9-11 since the beginning of February, then win 2 lopsided games this past weekend (vs. CAR and @TOR), and they're right back in it! It's absurd. Why go out there and bust your buns every night? Just have a good month or two, and you're fine! (At least in the Wales, where most of the teams can't get out of their own way.) As I've said before, the point system is fatally flawed, and it's merely rewarding mediocrity. (Don't even get me started with Edmonton and all the points they've gotten from the skills competition shootout.)

I'll close this out with some Marty, who doesn't get enough recognition. This photo is from the new "My NHL, My Cup" promotional ads. Why is everything is "my", from My Yahoo to MyFox? Oh, so you watched your team win the Cup. What did YOU do?



I may start to sound like a homer here, but I don't care. Last Saturday afternoon in a 4-2 win in Colorado, en route to his 40th win Marty made some ridiculous saves. While the chicken wing block (0:24) was nice, none was quite as fun to watch as the stick save from behind his back (1:13 in, 14:15 left in the 2nd).



Of course, the NHL Video highlight reel absolutely sucks (why can't these jackasses make quality video available?), so here's the Top 10 Saves of the Week (check out #3 at the 3:00 mark).

Yes, it's fun to watch Marty. And afterwards he humbly said, "I got lucky on a few of those." How can you hate the guy? He's the exact opposite of Patrick Roy, whose giant inflated head didn't even fit in his helmet.

GOALS OF THE YEAR: FOLLOW THE BOUNCING PUCK (3/18/2008)

It's easy for me to follow it, not so easy for Toskala.

This happened at the Leaves/Isles game at the Mausoleum last night. I saw the replay on MSG and just found it on YouTube: it's the LONGEST GOAL EVER.



"Talk about a bad infield!" Great call by MSG analyst Billy Jaffe.

Of course, the PK-clearing-attempt-turned-shorthanded-goal (Davison's first as an Islander) was the team's only goal in a 3-1 loss as they play out the string.

Toskala gives up a 197 foot goal [YouTube]

U2 FOR TUESDAY: "U2 3D" MOVIE REVIEW

(I was going to post this yesterday, appropriately on St. Patrick's Day, but never got around to it. Such is the nature of this blog.)

I saw the U2 3D movie at the local IMAX Theater over the weekend, billed as the first live-action 3D concert movie ever made. In a word, it was phenomenal. The combination of the stunning 3D effects, the incredible sound, and the massive IMAX screen made it a totally immersing experience. Add to this the uncanny ability of a band like U2 to make even the most massive stadium feel intimate, and they've created an incredibly enjoyable concert movie that is a visual and a technological masterpiece.

I've seen U2 in concert six times (more than any other band) dating back to the 1985 Unforgettable Fire and 1987 Joshua Tree tours, and as recently as the 2005 Vertigo tour, and they have never failed to put on a fantastic show. It was during three shows on the South American leg of the latter that this concert footage was shot, and the high definition film (nicely transferred to IMAX format) contains 90 minutes of highlights of the band performing on stage with zero filler. Smoothly interspersing shots of U2 and the enthusiastic crowd, it gives the viewer a sense of what attending an actual U2 concert is like, and you've got better than the best seats in the house.

THE 3D EFFECTS. I'm not sure exactly how the stereoscopic cameras used by the 3ality Digital team work, but when the finished product is viewed (using giant, dorky glasses that even Bono's "The Fly" character would reject) the result is stunning. The members of U2 really do jump off the screen and seem to extend beyond its borders during the concert. And I know it sounds corny, but when the camera angle is placed right above the shoulders of the concertgoers, you actually feel like you're sitting in the crowd. Overall the 3D effect gives a remarkable illusion of depth, especially as the crowd bounces, waves their arms, and holds their cameras up in the air.

THE SOUND. The IMAX theater quite possibly has the best sound system of any theater I've ever been in. You feel the bass thump before you even enter the room, the music and ambient crowd noise is dynamically reproduced, and the way the directional speakers are mixed to follow the action on the screen is very affecting. At one point during "Sunday Bloody Sunday", the crowd sound is completely removed, focusing on just the band and Bono's vocals in the front speakers (as he walks towards the viewer) and Edge's vocals in the rear--the result is chill inducing. They even isolate some audience members' reactions and singing in spots to add a personal touch.

THE VISUALS. The compiled concert footage is shot from every conceivable angle: from right in front of the performers, numerous positions in the crowd, above Larry's drum kit, at the end of Adam's bass guitar neck, right in Bono's face. But it never feels gimmicky, and is edited to flow rather well with each song, unlike most headache-inducing jump-cut music videos. During "The Fly" they even added some of the words and graphics that appear on the video screens in the stadium to the visual mix, and they pop dazzingly before your eyes. I'll say one more thing: for a band that's 30 years into its career, the four members are remarkably well preserved and don't look bad at all (in other words, the opposite of the Stones).

Even if you're not a U2 fan I think you should check out this thrilling, first-of-its-kind live-action 3D film experience, as it doesn't miss a note. (Really, you have to go see it, I hear it's not doing well.) It actually made me want to go to another concert--as long as it's taking place in the comfort of a theater, that is. I have a feeling that a lot more concert films are going to be made this way.

Songlist: "Vertigo", "Beautiful Day", "New Year's Day", "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own", "Love And Peace Or Else", "Sunday Bloody Sunday", "Bullet The Blue Sky", "Miss Sarajevo", "Pride (In The Name Of Love)", "Where The Streets Have No Name", "One", "The Fly", "With Or Without You" (end credits - "Yahweh").

Fan reviews on official U2 site

NOVA GOING TO THE DANCE (ALONG WITH 63 OTHER TEAMS)

I'm shocked. And stunned. I'm shocked AND stunned.

Villanova, my alma mater, is in the NCAA tournament. They got a #12 seed and will play #5 Clemson in Tampa (looks like I picked the wrong month to visit Florida). And they're playing on Good Friday, just as God intended. I couldn't be happier because I have something to root for, and once they inevitably get ousted, I can go back to rooting for Georgetown and Duke to lose.

After taking a look at the bracket, here are my gut reactions (and dumb jokes):

Overseeded: Vanderbilt, Oklahoma, Duke, Georgetown (yes, I knew Pitt was going to beat them in the Big East final--so there.)
Underseeded: Butler, Wisconsin, Indiana, Tennessee (who I really thought would be the 4th #1 seed).
WTF Are They Doing Here? Oregon, Kentucky (who was awful this year; back in February they only scored 11 points in the first half en route to a 41 point asskicking by Vandy).
Team That Got In Simply Because I Blognosticated They Wouldn't: Villanova. Seriously, I did not see 8 teams from the Big East getting in. Though I'm happy the last one in ended up being my school, I don't agree with it. (Again, great work Joe "Bracketology" Lunardi for not getting anything right.)
Best Team Name: The Retrievers of University of Maryland-Baltimore County. As a tribute to "The Wire" I think they should change their name to the Hoppers. Win one for Omar!
#15 Seed I Really Want To See Win: Belmont (over Duke) on the first day.
Upset I Actually Think Will Happen: #13 Winthrop over #4 Washington State.
Team That I'm Never Picking Ever Again Because They Always Kill My Bracket: Gonzaga.
Team With The Best Chant: Austin Peay's "LET'S GO PEAY!" (Get it? You will once you've had too much to drink.)
Most Overrepresented Team Name: The Wildcats of Villanova/Arizona/Kentucky/Kansas State. Oddly enough all four were at-large bubble teams.
Team That Stephen Colbert Is Probably Rooting For: American Eagles. Their colors? Red, white and blue. Duh.
Storyline That I Honestly Know Nothing About: O.J. Mayo vs. Michael Beasley. You see this everywhere regarding the USC/K-State game. I'll have to Google or Wiki it or something. (UPDATE: I guess these are the two freshman everyone considers to be the best in the NCAA, and both are assumed to be skipping school for the NBA after this season. Whatever. Fuck the NBA.)
Teams That Should Just Play Chess Against Each Other: Stanford vs. Cornell.
Team/Player I'm Fucking Sick Of Hearing About: North Carolina and Tyler Hansbrough.
Team Everyone Is Picking To Lose Early (And They're Right): Kansas. The Jayhawks bowing out early is an annual right of spring. It just wouldn't feel right otherwise.
Team That I Have No Opinion About: Kent State.
Team Everyone Is Picking To Lose But I Think Are Going To Win It All: Memphis.

UPDATE: I just found out that Villanova plays at 9:40 PM on Good Friday. That's going to be a looooong day. I hope Bob Hyland's Sports Page has enough beer.

BREAKING: CHRIS PRONGER IS STILL A PSYCHOPATHIC ASSHOLE

At least the league listened to me and suspended Pronger for 8 games; I can live with that. I think it should have been more than 10, but 8 says, "You're a stupid, sorry motherfucker and we hope you rot in hell," while at the same time saying that Pronger hasn't reached Chris Simon levels of goonery.

Meanwhile up in the nether regions of NY State, the Sabres managed 5 of a possible 8 points this week. It could have been worse (how's that for optimism?). They also beat up good on the Hurricanes and the [fallen] Leaves on two consecutive nights. I just wish I felt more confident that this team could do that each and every night. At any moment they could easily lose 7-2 to some shit-ass team.

Anyway, some good news: Bernier has 8 points and a +2 in 8 games with the Sabres. I watched the second half of the bitch-slapping of Toronto last night...It never gets old to see the Leaves lose to the Sabres. They are only 1 point out with 9 games left (although both Boston and Philly have a game in hand).
The bad news, of course, is that they play pretty strong teams between now and the 30th. Montreal, Ottawa twice and Boston on the last day which could turn out to be a playoff for the final spot. But the very good news is that the game on the 30th is at 12:30EST, which means it'll be on sopcast (or ESPN360 for a sum) at 6:30CET! FUCKING BRILLIANT. I hope it counts for something (or if it doesn't count it means that the Sabres have clinched already).

GARY BETTMAN SUCKS: THE DEFINITIVE EDITION

Update: I just read Deadspin's NHL Closer on the subject and [while I generally think he's got a good grasp] couldn't agree less with Wyshynski's conclusions on the subject. His (non) smoking bullet is that Pronger is "looking up ice" at the time. Bullshit! Pronger is turning, but is clearly aware of where his stomping skate is going (and he's looking at the leg as he does it)...Regardless, this isn't deep-snow hiking, you don't have to stomp the ice off of your boots when you're playing in an NHL arena.

We all know that Bettman sucks. It's been proven time and again, but the events that have transpired with Chris Pronger this week bring Bettman's reign of terror to a new low. For those of you not in the know, Pronger skate-stomped Justin Kesler's leg during the second period of the Vancover/Ducks game on Wednesday night.

Bettman's lap poodle, Colin Campbell, "reviewed" the data (which, knowing this fucking league required him to see "Chris Pronger" as the subject and dismiss out of hand, since Pronger is a "superstar") and decided to not pass down any suspension. Now here's the thing, the original [public] video from Thursday morning didn't focus on the event and it was hard to be sure that Pronger got calf (you can see he tries, but let's say that it wasn't 100% conclusive). However, sometime Thursday evening (after the league handed down the non-suspension), a new video was released (my understanding is that it was TSN that first showed this video and has been covering this a lot since Thursday):


This video seems to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Now a lot of people are calling for a suspension that is on par with Chris Simon's 30 games for his Ruutu-stomp. This is not the same. Pronger is a dirty-as-shit player, who deserves anything he gets (I love the fact that he's got a broken jaw), but this incident is different in at least two ways: 1. Pronger has never done a Simonesque two-hander to the head of an opponent. He hits with his elbows up. He aims to injure. But there's a difference between headhunting and playing baseball. 2. Simon did it away from the play, as both players were skating to the bench. He purposefully moved Ruutu's leg so he would be able to stomp on it, with the intent to break Ruutu's leg. Pronger got tied up with Kesler and stomped him in the "heat of the moment."

Simon got 30 games. I think Pronger deserves at the very least 10-15 games. 20 would probably be justified based on his repeat-offender status and known goonishness throughout the league.

According to TSN the league is re-reviewing this incident, which brings us to another point. The league made a decision on Thursday morning. Did they have the second video angle and ignored it? Or did they not have it, meaning that they made a decision without having all the evidence on hand? The optimist in me wants to say that they just pulled the trigger quick, without getting all the evidence. They just wanted to handle this quickly and did it in a non-professional manner. The cynic in me believes that they had this video and chose to ignore it because it is Pronger. They're only re-reviewing because of the public outcry. Look for a couple of minutes at the comments on the TSN story...I bet that less than 1% of the people support the league or Pronger in this case. And this is Canada - the bread and butter of the NHL's support.

I've just one little comment: FUCK GARY BETTMAN. He's done nothing but consistently ruin this sport that we love so.

Even though Jeff thinks that the Sabres are going to be playing golf in a few weeks, I still am holding out hope. They won 7-1 last night against the fucking 'Canes. They're only 2 points away from 8th. Here's the thing that is so goddamn fucking frustrating: Inconsistency. They lose 7-3, then they come back and win 7-1. They'll play excellent hockey (it looks like last night's game was quite good), and then they'll do fuck-all. I have a bad feeling about tonight's game in Toronto. If they miss the playoffs it'll be because of this inconsistency. They have the skill, they have the speed, but they just don't manage to play the same game every night.

LET'S GO BUFF-A-LO!

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE HOCKEY WIFE EDITION

This is Willa Ford, but you might know her as Amanda Lee Williford-Modano. That's right, she's married to Mike Modano, the all-time goals and points leader among American-born NHL hockey players. She's also put out an album, possibly played football in lingerie once, and was on some dancing show. Most importantly, she appears to vehemently despise pants.



In 1310 career games, Modano has 525 goals, 751 assists, and 1 hot piece of ass wife. Hey, he's earned it.



Second photo courtesy of Stuff, the magazine for guys too stupid to read Maxim (if you can imagine).

OVER 10000 PEOPLE'S TIME WASTED

Congratulations to the 10,000th reader of the Open Hockey blog! It seems impossible, unfathomable to me that that many people have accidentally stumbled upon this blog. Thanks for checking us out. But most of all I'd like to thank myself, and the great OH blog team--we never gave up hope! And I wanna thank Jesus, and say hi to my special lady, Marge: we did it, baby! Whooooo hooooo! Anyway, sometime on Monday, Lucky Fan #10K turned over our counter to read 5 digits, and while I can't be sure who it was I'm going with the guy who searched for "is dana jacobson single" and found my "Dana swilling Belvedere vodka" tribute post. Yes, Dana is still single and refuses to call me. And no, random Googler, you don't have a chance in hell of getting her to date you because you don't have a fantastic blog like mine. So there.

Other random thoughts:

* I think we can stop putting those irritating "security" stickers on top of DVDs and CDs, since there are a bazillion torrents available on the internet of pretty much everything now. Those impossible to remove "thief proof" stickers along the top of the case are laughable, and with rampant the file sharing that goes on it's akin to putting a band-aid on a severed head.

* You know when you're walking towards someone else in a hallway, and you turn into a doorway or down another hallway before you pass them? What is the minimum "greeting radius", the distance from the person that requires you acknowledge them in some way? I say it's 30 feet, and if you're further away than that you don't have to say "hi", or "morning" or nod.

* During the hockey shootout, the players should take off their helmets. Why do they need to wear them? Of course I'm talking about the shooters, not the goalies; that would be silly. No, I think the goalies should remove their pants.

* While it was enjoyable to see Villanova blow the doors off of Syracuse by 19 points yesterday, today's loss to Georgetown by the same margin (and score, 82-63, during which they drained a ri-fucking-diculous 17 3-pointers) was frustrating. So it's now official: they aren't going to be in the NCAA tournament. Coming up next: are the Wildcats going to be overlooked for the NCAA tournament? Yes, they are. Or are they? Sportsline's Gary Parrish was paid to say "I have no fucking idea." Joe "Bracketology" Lunardi says they're one of the "Next Four Out", whatever that means. Jay Bilas of ESPN says the 'Cats are in, but Jay Bilas also likes vanilla and long walks on the beach. So fucking what? His opinion is just as valid as mine, and I say he's full of shit. When was the last time anyone from ESPN was right anyway? I'm going to go with back in the early 1980s when they decided to show Australian rules football.

* Now that "The Wire" is over, I was looking for another show to waste my time watching. There's good buzz surrounding AMC's "Breaking Bad", a show about a high school chemistry teacher who is told has terminal cancer decides to start his own meth lab. However, everything seems to be conspiring against my ability to watch this show. First, every show is available on my Cablevision OnDemand channel . . . EXCEPT THE FIRST TWO. And those first two aren't on the AMC site. Also, what the hell does "Breaking Bad" even mean? And how can you call your network "American Movie Classics" when you don't show classic American movies? Okay, now I've lost interest in watching the show. Maybe I'll look for "Mad Men" DVDs to rent, or something.

* If you were born after 1980 you probably prefer "Family Guy", and if you were born before 1980, you probably like "The Simpsons". If you are born after 1980, and you come up to me saying "Family Guy" is overall funnier than "The Simpsons", you're wrong. End of discussion. Now get off of my lawn! (Of course, some Stewie and Brian scenes are funny . . . no, I won't back down.)

* Coors Light has bar coasters featuring a bunch of green colored Coors bottle caps in the shape of a shamrock, with the slogan "Irish Enough". What the fuck does that mean? It's Irish enough for you, just drink it, stupid.

* GOLF magazine says in their Masters preview issue that if it comes down to a final round showdown between FIGJAM and Tiger, FIGJAM would win it. Tiger is playing as well as we've ever seen him, so what are they basing that on? Phil has "confidence". Yeah, right. I too can be pretty confident, but I ain't winning a match against the greatest golfer ever. What am I saying? I'm not even confident about posting this crap on the blog.

SPENDING MY TAX MONEY ON WHORES

No, I'm not talking about getting something special for my $600 tax rebate. I am of course talking about the dishonorable jackass himself, Eliot "Client 9" Spitzer, who was just caught as part of a online prostitution sting and forced to resign. Just the other day, Rob and I were talking about the horrible politicians we have "representing" us in the sorry state of New York (Spitzer, Schumer, Clinton) and wondering why we even live in this state. Well, despite our low expectations, ol' Spitzy managed to slither underneath them somehow. The most shocking thing is not that he got some 20 year old strange behind his 50 year old wife's back, it's that no one seems the least bit surprised by all of it. I guess the recent local scandals involving former NJ governor McGreevey, former Connecticut governor Rowland, and oh yeah, Hillary Clinton's husband, will numb anyone.

Storming into the Governor's mansion in early 2006, Spitzer vowed to wake up the state legislature, make people responsible for their actions, pompously declaring himself a "fucking steamroller" in his first month in office. All of this bloviating and overcompensation should have been warning that he was probably hiding something. Well, just 14 months later he's now been steamrolled out of office, for the aforementioned illegal activities uncovered by a federal wiretap (featured on the next episode of "The Wire"?). Guys like this, hypocritical politicians blinded by ambition and power (family be damned!), are the most loathesome individuals I can think of. (Followed closely by the wives who "stand by them" in order to salvage their own careers.)

His slogan last year was "Bring Some Passion Back To Albany", and now that's he's been caught paying for sex, how ironic does that statement sound now? He's reportedly spent $15,000 during a half-dozen trysts over the past 6 months, and up to $80,000 on prostitutes over the past 10 years, numbers which are speculative at best but could realistically be higher than that. We should be able to sue this guy for using our tax money (his salary) to fund some of this debauchery. It's only fair. At the very least, I want the $306 I just paid to the New York state tax department so I can spend an enjoyable night at the local "gentleman's club" this weekend.

__________________

The local papers didn't let me down. The New York Post headline read "HO NO!" while the Daily News went for the tasteful "PAY FOR LUV GOV". Well done, idiots!

__________________

Bonus topical MP3: James Taylor "Steamroller Blues (Live)"

WRIST SHOTS: HOW MANY TIMES MUST CROSBY SAVE HOCKEY?

Sidney "Sid The Kid" "Bing" Crosby saved hockey once again by singlehandedly beating the Evil Russian Kapitals on national TV on Sunday afternoon. He scored a goal, and using his mind bullets, he even forced Li'l Nikki Backstrom to score one FOR him: the game winner into his own net. This faux pas reminded me of Edmonton's Steve Smith banking one into his own goal off of goalie Grant Fuhr in Game 7 of the 1986 Smythe Division finals vs. the Calgary Flames. Luckily, YouTube has a (predictably shitty quality) clip of it.



What a shitty way to end a playoff series, and the season.

The later game on Sunday, Boston vs. Rangers, was the case against anyone saying a game has to be high scoring to be exciting (like Bettman, who is trying everything in the world to increase scoring and who, consequently, sucks): a 0-0 tie in regulation eventually won by the Rangers in a shootout. The 3rd period was crazily entertaining, and while Auld was solid Henrik was out of his head. Now the Rangers are on fire, winning 10 of their last 13 games. I'm saying this hoping to jinx them going into their game at THE ROCK vs. the Devils next week, who are currently winless on the season against them.

This blog asserts that "New York is a hockey town at last" after good ratings for the Sabres/Rangers game on Monday night. Yes, overall ratings are up 100% in the New York area, but what else was there to watch on a Monday night in early March? Please, once baseball is back or the Rangers go on a mini-slump, the viewership will start to erode. But at least it's a good sign for Versus, even though their broadcasts are still sub-par and the channel doesn't devote a single second to hockey during the regular season, outside of the Monday and Tuesday games.

However, the VS broadcasts look like Spielberg productions when compared to those of NBC Sports. It's one thing to promote the games bright new stars like Crosby and Ovechkin, it's another thing entirely to slobber sycophantically all over them. NBC: you need to get out of sports all together, because you suck at everything. You can keep the Olympics, because I don't give a crap about them unless (it's the winter).

Okay, I'm going to come right out and say it: the Devils are a strong team, as long as Marty has a good night. I know, this is like saying "human beings need oxygen to live". But I really worry about this team, as I don't see them winning the Cup as it stands now. Their power play is just too anemic, and they seem to play down to their competition more than any other team. The Toronto and Tampa Bay wins that they manufactured this past weekend are a microcosm of this season, and how they lack that killer instinct. Yes, I know they've been in first place in the Wales, or right around it, for the past month but I don't know how deep this team can go. After a lackluster effort up in Montreal, this mini-roadtrip at MIN and COL will be telling.

Despite Kris' insistence that the Sabres will make it to the playoffs (and lose in the 1st round), I don't see it. This week is a tough one with 4 games on the docket: they got 1 point vs. NYR, and now have @PIT, CAR, @TOR. By Sunday morning I think we'll know where they stand. As long as they don't go on another 10 game "winless" streak they have a chance.

Meanwhile, out West the Sharks are tearing everyone a new five-hole, recording 10 consecutive victories (2 in a SO). I pick this team to make a run in the playoffs every year, but it never materializes. Until they win the Cup, I don't know the way to San Jose and I don't care. The Ducks, after a rough Niedermeyerfree and Selanneless start, are still the team to beat in my eyes.

In closing, here are some highlights from NHL 94, one of the greatest videogames ever. EVER. (NHLPA 93 might be better, since if you check a guy just right, there will be blood. But there are no one-timers.)



There were so many quirky glitches, and the goalie AI was so stupid (see 1:05 and 1:28), but it just added to its charm. EA has never made hockey as fun as they did with these Sega Genesis era games. I especially love the guy getting beaned by an errant puck after the whistle at 3:14, the 3-car pileup at around 3:20, Pavel Bure being thrown across the ice at 4:08, and the Gretzky breakaway (penalty shot?) at 5:42. (I also enjoyed the video namedropping of former Devil #25 Valeri Zelepukin.)

THE END OF THE WIRE

"The Wire" series finale is about to air on HBO tonight, and I'm really going to miss this show. After seeing a few episodes here and there over the years, I finally decided to catch up with it on DVD this winter before the start of the 5th and final season, and I'm glad I did. This is one of the best dramas I've ever seen on TV, period.

A realistic look at the interconnected worlds of Baltimore police, drug dealers, politics, school system and media, it blurs the line between good and bad. The best thing about this show is that while everyone might have good intentions on the surface, deep down the institutions it analyzes are deeply flawed, and a seemingly minor discretion can have a major impact. When a character declares it's "a good day for the good guys", you know it's going to all come crashing down in the end, as the writers never allow anyone to wallow in self-satisfaction for too long. Most of all, the way characters and story lines are intermingled on this show exhibits an unprecedented level of scope and depth; it rewards the viewer that pays attention.

I could probably go on forever about how great this show is but I won't. All I can say is that when you break it down, show by show, it ended up whacking "The Sopranos". While that show limped to a pathetic, inconsequential end like Omar, this one has ended just as strong as it started. (Of course, the same can't be said for the ratings, but that's that's just a product of the dumbification of this country.)

I just can't believe this show is ending. It's a damn shame. As Senator Clay Davis would say: "Sheeeeeeiiiiiiiiit."

Here's a bonus MP3 from the show that you can listen to while toasting the show's demise with a shot of Jameson: The Pogues "Body of an American"

Photo courtesy of HBO.

FEELING AMERICAN AND OTHER BITTER RAMBLINGS

I'm American; always have been and always will be, even if I never actually "live" in the US again (I'll always maintain residency in the US for multiple reasons). Before I came to France, I didn't particularly "feel" any special affinity for the United States of Advertising. But now I do. Being America I have the right to criticize the US; I guess it's like being Jewish. You can make Jewish jokes if you're a Jew right? If not, you can't. Well it's the same thing. Just because you saw an American movie once, or you went on a two-week trip to the West coast three years ago doesn't give you unlimited latitude to criticize a country of which you know little, you ignorant frog motherfuck. Wait, I'm getting off on a tangent here, but as you maybe can see, I'm not a big fan of ferrin' peoples being self-righteous about my country. I'm well aware of the short-comings of the US.

But [getting back on track], since I've been here, I've started liking big American V8 iron (which I'd always hated before), diner-styled products (like I sell, of course), Coke advertising and [good] bourbon (I don't need no stinking Four Roses**). I still think that American cars from the 60s and early 70s are dumb vehicles, I still think that the Ford Mustang is a rather silly car, but I still would like one...I think it has something to do with that V8 rumble and [in the former's case) the smell of good old pre-catalytic converter exhaust. I also want to shove something down the greenwashing, self-righteous, government nannies that are every-fucking-where here, who are moving this supra-government to the point that we're all going to be driving styrofoam cars, using rubber-band transmissions and powered by hamsters. At the very least, I can see them trying to cap power at some arbitrary level like 100bhp.

Oh, another great tangent: The assholes in charge decided to create incentives to reduce the CO2 output of vehicles. I'm kind of confused as to my feelings about global warming, CO2, and Chicken Little, but I am an heavy advocate of reduced consumption whenever possible. So in France they have what's called ecologic bonus and malus*. A bonus means tax credits for cars that produce less than 130g/km of CO2. There's no bonus/malus for 131-160 or so g/km. Then there's increasing malus (fine) after 161g/km. (*There's no word for malus in English, but it's basically it is the opposite of bonus (in the "she's easy, so that's a bonus" sense), but it plays on the word for bad, "mal," in French.)
The new Nissan Rogue (called, charmingly the Qashqai here) has great copy in their new print ads: "Malus Ecologique = Zero"...which I basically read as "Ecological Harm = Zero" when translated from French, although it really just means that you don't have to pay any penalties. Fuck Nissan, Greenwashing twunts. With a 105 bhp on tap, we can easily reformulate the copy for the 1.5 ton crossover. "=Zero"

And back on track: I'm sick of people knowing more about my country then I do. I hate them lecturing me about how a government should run (they should look inward first). I sick of having to provide tacit support to Bush because I get sick of hearing people complain about him...What the fuck do they know? I can hate him because I have a say in the matter...these little fucks, no so much. The thing that bugs me the most is the people who are so ignorant they don't really realize that they're being ignorant. You know what I don't care about? If Obama or Hillary won Nevada or Colorado. This has so little influence on my life. I probably won't vote for a major candidate (that blows their minds too) and even if I do, it'll just be because I hate the other person that much more. Actually, I may have to vote McCain just to piss them off; it's been proven time-and-again that 75% of the French people are aspiring Democrats. I don't even like McCain, but I think I'm going to get a "John McCain, Soldier On 2008" bumper sticker.

Anyway, it's the end of the week and this really just makes me too frustrated to even take the time to try to explain how much I hate these people who just judge based on nationality; we all know that it is only valid to judge based on race.

Regardless: I'll probably buy an old American V8 at some point and I'll drink Jack Daniels at the wheel and fire at pedestrians with my Colt .45. Yeah, that sounds about right. What're the cops gonna do? run me down in the 105 hp cop cars?

For the record, this stereotyping is not a French-exclusive issue. I'm one of the least confrontational people that I know, and I almost busted a pint glass over some faggy Irish-fuck's head a few years back for exactly this reason. I've heard more than a handful of Brits get all uppity over various issues. Why don't you just go suck Tony Blair's dick.

**Speaking of Four Roses, this is strange. I was reading reviews of different Bourbons on BourbonEnthusiast.com and for some reason Four Roses polls very high..Lowered expectations? Maybe it actually is quite good and I just assumed it would be bad...Strange. Based on this maybe I'll retry a bottle; what's the worst that could happen? I would have to give it to people with Coke?...I'll take that chance.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE ICE GIRLS EDITION

It was bound to happen. I'm just going to chalk this up to coincidence, because there's no way someone read the ever-popular Open Hockey blog and copied off of my idea. But no sooner did I post something about hockey cheerleaders did the unfortunately named Puck That Hit blog (I guess they were going for "Fuck That Shit" or something equally witty?) post "Who Has the Hottest Ice Girls?" which then got noticed by the mighty Deadspin NHL Closer.

Everyone seems to like the Florida Ice Whores Dancers, and while I agree that they look the strippiest and seem to hate their pants the most, I deduct points if they don't skate. I sense I might be alone in this assessment but if you're an ice girl, this means you have to lace up the skates and step out onto the ice. As Barr Flys' Captain Karl used to say, "Yeah, but can she skate?"

I immediately eliminated Dallas, Phoenix, Nashville, L.A., Anaheim and Tampa Bay from the running because they just seemed so fake. I like the Devils Power Players (since I've seen them in person), and was leaning towards Atlanta or Carolina, but in the end, I voted for the Chicago Ice Crew. Not only do they exude pure, unadulterated Midwestern hotness, but their name is even a double entendre: ICE CREW! Yeah, I bet you do, you little minx. (Get it?) I also voted for the groundbreaking Islanders Ice Girls squad, as they are very underrated, and simultaneously able to piss off Henrik Lundqvist and inspire Craig Anderson. However, they shouldn’t have signed Kelli to a 15 year deal, as she’ll be pushing 40 by the time the contract ends.

This got me to thinking: is this bad for the NHL? Well, under Bettman it couldn't get any worse, so we may as well have some eye candy along with our expensive tickets.

THE TIMELESS BILL HICKS

According to the latest OH BLOG poll results, our readers love the broads (1st place with 30%) but could use some more hate (2nd place with 23%). What better person to deliver it than the late, great Bill Hicks. I'd like to think that he embodies everything that we believe here at Open Hockey (from the Eye-Opener Family of Hate Blogs): we hate because we care. (Or something like that.) Even though he died in 1994, the social and political targets he attacks with his intense, vitriolic comedy style are just as applicable today.

Obviously, these clips are NSFFW (Not Safe For Fucking Work).

Here's a clip of him talking about how he wants his rock stars dead instead of clean cut and mediocre.

Bill Hicks "Play From Your Fucking Heart" [YouTube]



This is his classic rant about marketing. "I know what all the marketing people are saying: 'He's going for that anti-marketing dollar, that's a good market.'"

Bill Hicks "Advertising & Marketing "[YouTube]



In one of his last interviews (late 1993), he talks about being cut from "Late Show with David Letterman". "[My 'pro-life' material was considered] not suitable for the David Letterman audience. But when I'm not ON the show, I'm a member of the Letterman audience. So therefore, my material is not suitable FOR ME. What a predicament."

Bill Hicks interview from 1993 [YouTube]



I could have put 100 clips up here, because in my opinion you can never have enough Bill Hicks.

WELCOME TO MCDONALD'S, WOULD YOU LIKE A HAPPY M-M-M-M-M-MEAL-MEAL?!?!?!

This is pretty well done...Yeah, Jeff's gonna go all hater on it, 'cause he's like that, but I find it amusing: I never watch any video that's over 2 minutes online...this one clocks at 5:20 and I watched the whole thing.


Kids Songs Sung By Rock Stars - Watch more free videos

Ok, the Alanis Morrissette part is weak, but the rest is funny.

E-I-O, E-I-E-I, Eeee-I-OooOOooo. Good to see Eddie getting some work and who knew that that guy from Nickelback was still alive.

[Break via SI.com's Extra Mustard]

BANNED IN OTTAWA: CANADIAN COCK BLOCK

Well, it's that magic time of year again when the Canadian Ministry of Public Protection (or whatever the fuck they call themselves) puts out it's list of Admitted/Prohibited material for Obsence and/or Hate reasons.

The good news, if you're a black person, is that the Nigger's Owner Manual has been banned...however, Nigger Jokes has been deemed fit and fair for Canadian consumption.

The Truth Behind the Jewish Talmud = Good
Historical Quotes about the Jewish Problem = Bad

But I know, you don't come here to find out what racist books you can buy in Border's Downtown Toronto, you come for the porn. I have to say, it's fairly disappointing this year. Why someone would even try to import a movie called Dog Suckers, is beyond me.

It's the same old story for Opa's Porno Kiste. Episodes 1 and 6 are banned, but Ep.4 is a-okay...What happened to Eps 2, 3 and 5, anyway? Some Mountie still back home "evaluating them?"

Leave it to the French to film Violeuses de chiens (Dog Rapist). Of course, prohibited.

And my personal favorite, at least in name (until I find someone who's selling it - then maybe I'll like it for the story line): Gangbang my Face 2. Don't know why that makes me laugh...must be the alcohol. I just find the title funny.

I still want to meet the guy(s) (and girls?) who are more equal than your average Canuck and can watch these films and read the hate pamphlets and not be influenced.

Ugh, Fuck Censorship anyway. If the Canadians want to the watch Mr. Dog, who is the government to say No/Non?

[Links from Slate to Gomorrahy latter opens a pdf].

BTW, Gomorrahy has a great, NSFW, photo on their home page. Damn, I could go for some maple syrup right now.

Stupid Canadian's: It's so much clearer in the US...

I JUST GOT BACK FROM SKIING, AND BOY ARE MY LEGS TIRED

I went skiing yesterday for the first time in over a year, at Windham Mountain in the Catskills. It was as crowded as I've ever seen it (with French Canadians, Germans, Russians and Eastern Europeans, oddly enough), and although it was quite enjoyable the simple act of walking is a chore today. The old cliché is "you'll use muscles you never knew you had", but that doesn't begin to describe my pain; I feel like I used muscles that I DON'T EVEN HAVE. Or maybe I left some muscles on the mountain, or possibly I just used those muscles that hate me. Whatever it is, going down a flight of stairs makes my quads feel like they're being stabbed with tiny invisible daggers.

Skiing is nothing but a controlled fall down a frozen mountain, a constant battle pitting you and friction versus the laws of gravity. In light of this it helps to have confidence in your ability and your equipment, and since I have very little in the former, I bought myself a new pair of the latter. I tend to hold on to things as long as they continue to work, despite advances in technology. Until recently, I had a TV that was over 25 years old that was encased in a floor standing faux-wood cabinet, and actually had a knob. Hey, it still worked fine, why ditch it? I thought this way about my old straight skis as well which I bought in high school. All I can say is: wow, ski technology has come a long way. Here is the description for the new skis I purchased:

Head iXRC 800: Our six-speed sequential sports car for the kind of rider who is used to waiting for his friends at the bottom of the lift.

That's right, suckers! I haven't quite found all six speeds yet, but oh boy, do they know me! Actually I'm more the "kind of rider who is used to trying not to kill himself". The skis also apparently feature "Intelligence Technology" (meaning I don't have to think at all) and "Liquidmetal Technology" (which sounds like it would be really messy and difficult to ski on). Regardless of the asinine product description, these new curved skis actually do what I want them to, whereas the old ones had to think about it for a few seconds before moving in the direction I was trying to point them. (Maybe they ARE intelligent after all.)

Like golf, skiing is not a cheap pastime. Long gone are the days of $10 lift tickets that include a coupon for free hot chocolate; a day of skiing at Windham for an adult is now an astonishing $61 (this is easily more than a 25% increase from 2 years ago). While I understand that some of this money goes into snowmaking and refurbishing the base lodge (which I never actually stepped foot in), it certainly wasn't used to pave the parking lot, the vast majority of which is a muddy disaster area. However, thank god for Liftopia.com, who resells lift tickets for some of the major ski resorts at a discount, who only charged $25. This the best (non-porn/non-hockey) website I've found so far this year.

Now please excuse me while I attempt to hobble out to my car.