FIRST AID SPRAY

Every day that I'm at work, I want it to be one day ahead of what it actually is. For instance, today is Wednesday but I really wish it was Thursday. And on Sundays, I want to go one day back.

I was thinking today, whatever happened to First Aid Spray? That used to be the all-purpose solution for any scrape, burn or cut I'd get as a kid, and my mom would liberally spray that shit on like it was a magic cure-all elixir. But man, that god damn stuff stung like hell. What did they put in that can? I'm not even sure there was any actual medication in it (like an antiseptic). Was it just cheap grade isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol? Not only that, but it was really cold as well. Did they mix in some refrigerator coolant? Basically, I don't think it did anything but sting so badly that you forgot what injury you had in the first place. And I know my mom loves me, but I guess not enough to buy anything better than the No-Frills version.

I'D RATHER BE AT THE DENTIST

So I'm sitting in the dentist chair while the hygienist has her way with my teeth and gums, furiously prodding and scraping away with those little pointy spatulas from hell. All I can do while I'm occupied, besides listening to her stomach growl, is stare at the ceiling: the ceiling tiles, the radio speaker emitting inoffensive softrock like "Jack and Diane", the screws holding in the radio speaker, the dentist's lamp manufacturer's name (MIDMARK). The whole time I'm wondering why they don't just put small LCD TVs up there to give the patients something to take their mind off the torture. It's not like the dentist doesn't make enough money, so what's the problem? I'm going to start calling dentists until I find one with ceiling-mounted monitors showing DirecTV.

Anyway, after about an hour of this the hygienist suddenly announces, "Left upper rear wisdom tooth, possible cavity!" Well, thanks sweetcheeks, but I think we'll wait for the BIG GUY WHO SIGNS YOUR CHECK to come in and confirm that. Sure enough the dentist didn't find anything, and he screamed at her, "You fool! I think you've earned a time out for that misdiagnosis!" and injected a huge dose of Novacaine into her neck. Soon after she slumped lifeless to the floor, the two of us were enjoying martinis in the lobby, chatting about the opera and the horrible traffic at Vail this time of year.

That's why the dentist's office is much better than work.

WOO HOO!

The Big Game is finally here! Tonight, I think we're going to see a lot of top-notch kicking and world-class tackling, all the new commercials will star Peyton Manning, and hopefully Prince will wear assless chaps for his halftime performance and . . . what? It's NEXT week? F*** the NFL. Seriously, cram it.

Anyway, I predict that the City Of Big Shouldered Ulrachers will win, and we can go back to mocking Manning, and everything will be right in the world again. Or not. It doesn't matter, I'll be playing TECMO Super Bowl instead.

THINGS I LIKE: VINTAGE HOCKEY CLIPS

Marty used to frequently try to score on the empty net, but now I can't remember the last time he attempted it. Here's footage of the goal Brodeur scored against Montreal on April 17, 1997 in game 1 of their playoff series.



Love that.

I WILL NOT BE RUNNING IN 2008

Hello America!

I wanted to take this opportunity to declare that I will not be running in 2008. As others have already stated their intentions, I thought it was only fair to inform the American people of my wishes. Running is not something that I have seriously considered, although I may have threatened to do so in the past. Although I frequently go for jogs/walks (more of a "wog", really), I certainly would not call it 'running'. Running takes a lot of motivation and effort, and it's very hard on the knees. As a tall person, it's just not something that I'm well suited for and thus I don't intend to run this year or in 2008.

I was just informed that Kerry announced he was not running FOR PRESIDENT in 2008. Sorry, I missed that little bit of information. (Did we expect him to run? Did we even ask him to?) Well, that changes things a bit.

Regardless, I may as well use this space to also say that I will not be running, for President or otherwise, in 2008. It was a decision that I thought long and hard about over the past several minutes, a decision that did not come easy. I admit that many tears, and clothes, were shed during this time of reflection. I want to thank all my supporters and my family for standing behind me, even though you may have been making faces back there that I couldn't see. Thank you.

Speaking of thanks, it bugs me that some people don't say 'thanks' when you hold the door for them. It's not like I want them to tip me. I'm not asking for much. I say it all the time when people hold the door for me. Well, usually I say 'thanks' at the first set of doors, but if there's a second set I usually mumble so that you only hear the sibilants, and it ends up sounding more like 'kssss'. It's certainly close enough, and I'm sure the door holder gets the idea and isn't offended. But I digress.

In closing, I just wanted to state my intentions without being misleading, deceptive or vague. I also do not wish to be redundant, repetitive, or reiterative. Basically, I will not be running in 2008.

Thank you.

2007 NHL ALL-STAR DRINKING GAME!

• During introductions, drink if they mispronounce a player's name
• During introductions, drink if you've never heard of a player
• Goal scored on slapshot - 1 shot
• Goal scored on redirection - Finish off drink of person to the left of you (called an "assist")
• Goal scored by Canadian - 1 shot of maple syrup
• Goal scored by American - 1 shot of Kentucky bourbon
• Goal scored by Russian - 1 shot of vodka
• Goal scored by Swede - 1 shot of Absolut
• Goal scored by Sabres player - drink an entire Genny Cream
• Camera shot of Crosby and Ovechkin together - 1 drink
• Doc Emrick says "100 seconds left" in a period - 1 drink
• Player saying "organ-EYE-zhay-shun" - 1 drinktbw
• Gary Bettman insincerely saying "Our fans are the best!" - 1 drink
• Someone mocks Ed Olczyk for being a slow skater - 1 drink
• Bill Clement talking about an All-Star Game he played in - 1 drink
• Hat trick - 3 drinks
• Anyone mentions Rory Fitzpatrick - finish drinking everything you have in the house

ENJOY!

THE STATE OF THE HOCKEY UNION

Everywhere I go, it seems that everyone has caught 2007 NHL All-Star Game fever! I can't walk a foot without seeing a promotional poster or someone wearing a Kiprusoff or Staal jersey--it's crazy! With the NFL in their FOOTBALL FORTNIGHT™ and several TV shows in hiatus, anticipation for the first hockey all-star game in 3 years is at an all-time high! I'm sure everyone will be glued to their sets tonight as the NHL YoungStars Game and SuperSkills competition (why do they cram the two words together like that? That looks stupid) are presented on VS. tonight at 8 PM ET, and the All-Star Game tomorrow (same time, unless the rodeo runs late).

In case you missed it (and you did), head NHL douchebag Gary "Fucking" Bettman held a press conference yesterday to make a big announcement. Was it to:

A) ANNOUNCE A NEW MULTIMILLION DOLLAR TELEVISION CONTRACT
B) ANNOUNCE A NEW STADIUM DEAL FOR PITTSBURGH
C) APOLOGIZE ABOUT ELIMINATING 100,000 OF RYAN FITZPATRICK'S ALL-STAR VOTES AND INVITE HIM TO THE GAME
D) NONE OF THE ABOVE

If you said D, you're correct. He announced that the NHL will be using new jerseys!

"We're here to witness an evolution, not a revolution," Gary "Fucking" Bettman said. "We have worked tirelessly with the players' association and Reebok-CCM Hockey over three years to try and get this right."

Tirelessly? For THREE YEARS? With no break? That's over 1,000 days, or 24,000 hours, of agonizing over this this "uniform system". Holy shit! How many Indonesian children died during the manufacturing of these stupid polyester shirts? And they're available at the NHL store for only $349.99, or $424.99 personalized! Brilliant!

Okay, I guess they look pretty sleek, but is that really all you've got, NHL? Another way to make the hockey superfans needlessly piss away their hard-earned money? Let's not mention that a hockey hotbed like Pittsburgh will soon lose their team loaded with YoungStars, and that the league doesn't care about who its fans voted for. No, let's announce that we are using new jerseys, and you'll have to fork over an entire paycheck to buy one. What a joke.

Meanwhile, let's also gloss over the fact that the NHL's all-star showcase events are on a no-frills network that most cable/satellite customers aren't even sure they have DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. The NHL could take advantage of the fact that there's no football and hold them this weekend, which might cause some sports fans to accidentally tune-in, but that would make too much sense. Instead, let's put them on against ratings juggernauts "American Tonedeaf", "The Suitcase Opening Show", and the State of the Union address. And then let's trash the NHL the next day in the media when it gets ZERO RATINGS!

That being said, I don't really mind that no one is talking about hockey. It's a niche sport, it always has been, and always will be. As long as the local teams are still on TV somewhere, I'm happy. I don't need casual fans and housewives wearing Gionta sweaters to work and suddenly screaming "SHOOT THE PUCK!!!" in my face. I'm looking forward to seeing Nieds skate faster than ever, Brodeur trying to stop the entire Western Conference, and Ovie and Crosby play on the same line together.

Actually, I changed my mind and found an authentic Reebok jersey that I want:



Only $430.48 shipped to my house in 2-3 weeks! Wow, what a bargain! Even the website likes my purchase: Great choice! To purchase your customized jersey, click on "ADD TO CART." I even told them to sew on an "A" for "Assclown".

YOU'RE NOT SICK, YOU HAVE HOCKEY ALL-STAR GAME FEVER!

2007: THE YEAR IT ALL WENT WACKY!

It hasn't even been a month, and it's already been a strange year. We started off with Dick Clark missing the number "10" during the countdown, which is an auspicious beginning to say the least. The first Saturday of the year was 70° and sunny and I couldn't even get a tee time. Although many will point to the Red Sox finally winning the World Series as being WHEN IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL, since nothing GOOD has happened since, we may look back at 2007 as THE YEAR IT ALL WENT WACKY (thanks for the title for this blog entry, Rob). Let's look at what's happened so far:

• James Brown has gotten more positive press than Gerald Ford after their deaths. That's right: the drug-addicted, wife-beating, unintelligible singer got more props than a former President who was a Distinguished Eagle Scout, national championship winning college QB, Yale law graduate, WWII Naval veteran, 24 year member of the House of Representatives, House Minority Leader, Vice President, President, and survivor of attacks by both Squeaky Fromme and Chevy Chase. That doesn't seem fair.

• Bill Parcells retired . . . but is it for GOOD this time (?).

• Rage Against The Machine is going to reunite at the Coachella Festival (so is Crowded House, but that's not the lead story because of the damn NORTHERN HEMISPHERE BIAS).

• Peyton Manning has finally figured out the Patriots. That's right. As we begin the FOOTBALL FORTNIGHT™, we are faced with the scary proposition: what if he wins the Super Bowl? The Bears should be afraid, be very afraid, of laser rocket arms. Personally, I like Peyton and I don't know where all the animosity towards him comes from. Yes, he's annoyingly omnipresent, but at least he's accomplished something (unlike Paris Hilton, who merely banged Brian Ulracher) to warrant the attention and endorsements. I hope he wins it all and the sports media can get off his ass once and for all, and find someone else to beat up*.

(Congratulations Boston sports fans, the lucky recipients of the Greatest Choke Job In Sports History, when the Yankees blew a 3-0 game lead over the Red Sox in the 2005 ALCS, because thanks to Bradichick you can now enjoy the Greatest Collapse In NFL Championship Game History, by letting the Colts overcome an 18 point deficit to win!)

(*Of course I mean "verbally beat up"; no sportswriter could PHYSICALLY beat anyone up.)

• FIGJAM he looks like he's in shape. Emerging from his foxhole to play a tournament for the first time after his disasterous Ryder Cup performance (1-4), he claims to have allegedly lost 20-25 pounds in the interim, while gaining 10-15 pounds of muscle due to a new workout regimen (by "new", I mean he actually GOT one). The cardio part of his workout involves constantly pounding his wife, I believe. Whatever he's doing, he actually is starting to look like an athlete.

Phillis giving up the In-N-Out burgers, Peyton in the Super Bowl--what is this world coming to??? It's madness, I tell you! The world's gone WACKY!

FINALLY, SNOW!

The snow is finally here!

You know me, when it snows I get giddy like a school boy on summer vacation with a 40 pound bag of Twizzlers. I didn't think it would happen, after it was 70° back on January 6th. The first flakes of the season came yesterday evening, in the form of an uninspiring dusting. However, I woke up to pretty heavy snowfall this morning, and we maybe have 1" on the ground. Better yet, it's sticking to the roads and there's just enough to test out the RAV4 4x4 (very nice). Of course, I now have a flashing dashboard warning light with an annoying beeping thing that tells me that I'm sliding. No shit! You'd have to be dead not to feel your tires slipping, thanks for the heads up!

Anyway, it's nice to see some snow for a change. If you don't like it, move to Alabama and stop complaining in my ear.

FREEING UP THE BLOG JAM

I think I finally got rid of my blog jam, because the crap is flowing freely now.

Quick NFL notes: so we're down to Saints @ Bears, and Patriots @ Colts. In the NFC, I have to stick with Sexy Rexy and the Bears, my preseason blognosticatory pick. In the AFC I chose the Bengals, who never played with enough CONVICTion (get it?). So now that the Patriots have snuffed out the Bolts, I don't see anything standing in their way. (Unless you like guys who are 6'5", 230, laser rocket arm--which I don't, especially in January.) By the way, to the scrawny white guy I saw in David's Bagels wearing a "Grossman" jersey: you're a DORK! Or it might have been Rex, I didn't get a good look at him.

In case you just landed here from another freaking planet, Belichick and Brady are 12-1 in the playoffs. So is this lovable pair known as "Belady" or "Bradichick"? I want to know, because after this Sunday there's a damn good chance you're going to be hearing a lot more about them. And is it wrong to root against the Saints because I don't want to hear any more inspirational Katrina stories, which HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SPORTS? If San Diego made the Super Bowl, would they talk about the devastating cold snap that killed all the California strawberries and oranges? Okay, maybe that's not exactly the same thing.

* I saw the other night one of my favorite, uhm, "sharing" sites Isohunt.com is currently down, but not necessarily out. Is this the beginning of the end of bit torrenting? Hmmmm . . . all I know is that Apple and Microsoft can take their DRM and shove it.

* I think they meant this headline to be a rhetorical question: Did Anybody Not Watch American Idol? Answer: *raising hand* ME! This was how I spent the big "premiere night": I went for a jog/walk (a "wog"), chatted online about nothing in particular, watched hockey, ate dinner, took a shower, and went to bed. Not one second of that crapathon! Remember, if you watch that godforsaken show, you're only contributing to the downfall of American music while feeding Paula Abdul's cocaine habit. Ugh, what a mess.

* Who gives a rat's ass about David Beckham coming to the MLS?

* Remember when David Letterman was funny? If you don't, go check out the DOTCOMEDY site (run by NBC) which has several clips of the bitter host from his early "Late Night" days. Check out his interviews with Bill Murray and Jay Leno (who also used to be funny), and Viewer Mail. He might have been the first sarcastic TV host ever; now it's hard to find someone on TV who ISN'T.

* God, I love The Office. It's just such a funny show and it's not even in the Top 20 (yet, David Fucking Caruso's CSI: Miami is #6). Who knew Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute) would be one of the funniest actors of the year?



Michael: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight: Who’s the target?
Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture, the file name is "jamaicajansunprincess" . . .
Dwight: What’s it of?
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you are willing to tell me everything, I can not accept this assignment.
Michael: Okay, forget it.
Dwight: Okay, I accept it.

I'll leave with a picture of Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesley).



That's all. I won't be around for a while, so Happy Friday!

WRIST SHOTS: YOU CAN'T FILL MARTY'S SHOES (SKATES)

After watching yet another Marty Brodeur shutout (his 88th), this time at the hands of the Rangers the other night, it made me realize that we're watching history here (all dozen or so of us that are watching). There might not be another goalie like him in our lifetime, and possibly ever. I've seen him play in person dozens of times, but he's been so good for so long you tend to take him for granted. I have to go see him at least once before they move to Newark, which is not coincidentally the exact time I'll stop going to Devils games.

So far this season his numbers are astonishing, even for him. On the stats leaderboard there's nothing but his mugshot staring back at you, as he leads the league in every major category right now: wins (28), GAA (1.99), SV% (.929) and shutouts (8, while his season best is 11--and he was 0.8 seconds away from one against the Isles). For those naysayers out there that say "well, he doesn't get any shots on goal because his defense is so good", he also leads that category (1241 shots allowed, more than Luongo in the same amount of games). Sure, the Devils D is good (though not as good as the Stevens/Daneyko days), a disciplined squad that usually doesn't leave rebounds that opposing players can hammer home. (Oh, and by the way, he averages 24.76 shots per start over his 13 year career, which sounds about average. For reference, Hasek has faced 27.98 shots per game.)

Yes, I'm a Devils fan and probably always will be (in case you haven't guessed). But you have to admit that Marty Brodeur (ESPN helpfully points out is pronounced "MAHR tai bro DOOR"--is that like a Mai Tai?) is one of the best, regardless of the "system", the "defense" or the "organ-eye-zay-shun". Get used to this mug shot:

THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY LAST POST ABOUT COUGHLIN

This is it! Until he's finally fired as the Giants coach, I'm done talking about Tom Coughlin. I'm astonished how many people think it's the "right move" for the Giants to keep this ass-clown. This is a coach who:

* Doesn't have control of the team
* Doesn't have the players' respect
* Doesn't adjust his game plan, ever
* Acts like a lunatic on the sidelines after every call that doesn't go his team's way
* Allows his players say whatever they want to the media
* Allows his players to show each other up on the field
* Blames his players for poor execution
* Throws his coaching staff under the bus

Since Jim Fassel was hired, the players (headed by Strahan) have effectively run this team. Coughlin was hired as a "disciplinarian" to straighten out this ego-laden team, but he's clearly not capable of that; in fact, he can't even keep his own ego in check. It is solely his fault for having zero control over every aspect of this team, and he merely watches as they embarrass themselves and the franchise.

I also hear things like "he's not responsible for dropped passes, missed tackles, and bad penalties". Okay, he can't do much about the first two, but it's absoultely his fault if is team is so undisciplined as to constantly be flagged for late hit and false start penalties. Since there is very little difference in NFL talent from the best team to the worst, coaching means more than in any other sport. Coaching is the reason why Marty Schottenheimer teams never win in the playoffs, why Andy Reid can't quite win the big game, and why Bill Belichick consistently kicks your ass.

To say he deserves to stay because "they made the playoffs" is a weak argument. It's like saying, "That drunk pilot deserves to keep his license because he hasn't crashed a plane yet." Not only do Giants fans have to suffer this nonsense for another year, but potential GM candidates have passed on the Giants job because Tom will still be at the helm. They deserve to have another shitty season with him.

UPDATE: The Giants hired Jerry Reese as their new GM, whom I know zero about except that he was their previous "director of player personnel" (whatever that entails). This makes him the first black GM in the NFL, and I hope he ends up to be more than just a football footnote. This also makes him a friend of Coughlin's, which may mean it will be many years before he vacates the coaching position. What could it possibly take to get rid of Coughlin? A 3-13 season? In closing, please suck a bag of dicks, Mr. Coughlin.

IT'S BLOG, IT'S BLOG, IT'S BIG, IT'S HEAVY, IT'S WOOD!

I really have been struggling to find things to blog about. Seriously, there's not much to say. Although, you can expect my bloggocity to increase after my weekend visit to IKEA. Here's what happened: I was checking out a JERKER, and thinking about settling for the adequate but boring ROBIN, when the sexy GUSTAV caught my eye. Let me tell you about GUSTAV: big, black/brown, hard as wood, gorgeous--I knew right then and there that I just had to have GUSTAV. However, I couldn't find a KOLON protector no matter how hard I looked, so I'm probably going to stain the carpet. But I've got GUSTAV in my bedroom right now, and I couldn't be happier. Oh, GUSTAV is the name of my workplace series computer desk. What were you thinking?

THINGS I LIKE: KIDS IN THE HALL

Since it's a GooTube video, it will probably be removed in 5 hours, but here's "Daddy Drank" from a classic Kids in the Hall episode. Starring Kevin McDonald and Dave Foley.



BTW, I heard that at CES2007, SONY introduced a new BRAVIA TV with an internet link, so you can watch HD, DVDs, videogames and YouTube all on one TV. What? Why would you spend $4000 to watch a crappy pixelated video of someone getting hit in the groin? YouTube's name is now Mangettinghitingroinwithfootball.com. Although I do like the Sling box.

(Sorry, that turned into a mini-rant.)

HERE WIE GO AGAIN

Wie shot a 8-over 43 on the front nine during the first round today at the Sony Open. I'm so sick of this! This child abuse has got to end. She needs someone to give her sound advice, like "How about you relax and win something on the LPGA first?" That's it, I'm going to Hawaii right now to slap her parents full in the mouth.

Why does Kentucky Fried Chicken use the song "Sweet Home Alabama" in their ads? That's like Boston Market using "New York, New York". They're both in the Northeast, right? Close enough!

Coach Coughlin will coach the Giants next year. On top of this, word is that several potential GMs are no longer interested in the job because Tom is sticking around, so they get screwed TWICE. I'm so sick of people being rewarded for incompetence. I am going to start looking around for a new team to root for--details coming soon.

I've been watching a lot of college basketball lately, and there is no way that OSU freshman Greg Oden is 18 years old. Also: look out for Wisconsin, Pitt and Appalachian State in the tournament in March. And of course, I'm rooting for the Wichita State Shockers! Villanova will be lucky to be a bubble team, I smell a first round loss in the 7-10 game. And Dick Vitale is still and irritating douche.

Poor Rory Fitzpatrick. When I checked the 2007 NHL All-Star Game voting totals on Monday, he was in 2nd place by a 100 votes, but now the NHL says he missed by 23,000 votes. How did that happen? Well, the official RORY FITZPATRICK CONSPIRACY THEORY MESSAGE BOARD broke it down (all those numbers made my head hurt) and seem to conclude that there were voting irregularites, and that there may be 100,000 votes missing! (I didn't know this, but apparently the forum goons at SA had a hand in starting this whole VOTE FOR RORY thing. Nice!)

I don't give a shit one way or another, since All-Star Games are fake anyway. But I do find it funny that ALLEGEDLY the NHL is going out of their way to fix the voting results, right after saying "VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT!" Did they not forsee this possibility? Did they even ask how other sports handle online votes (like MLB.com)? Why not just limit it to one vote per IP address. They are so badly mismanaged, it's not even funny. Someone hit Bettman over the fucking head with a bag of pucks.

IT'S AN iWORLD AFTER ALL

Apple Inc. (don't call them Apple Computers) continued their plot for world gadget domination by introducing the iPhone ($499-$599). It's a sleek looking thing with a touchscreen and iTunes integration (duh) and all that. The announcement sent their stock to a new high, and Palm and Blackberry stocks lower. They also sell about 30 songs A SECOND on iTunes (even though most of the songs suck). I'm so sick of all this "i" crap, by the way. When does their iToaster come out? Come to think of it, I could use a new iStapler. And when does the first new iCar roll off the assembly line? Gosh, I can't wait!!!

Although there's something positive to be said for Apple's business model, and the overall quality and integration of their products, although the price fixing annoys me. But after mucking around with webcams and online IM software with my family members the last few days, I'm beginning to think a true "plug and play" system like a Windows-free Apple MacBook might be the way to go for my future laptop purchase. Plus, I hear their customer service is second to none, and isn't that the worst part of the whole computing process? I'm sick of Indian kids reading off a flow chart, I would prefer a geek in the Valley actually solving my problems. I don't know, maybe the ecstacy will wear off and I'll just buy a Dell, with 64-bit Windows Vista.

Anyway, I have to go, my iPhone is ringing and I HAVE to take this: I think it's Bob Dylan.



(BTW, if you look online, iPhone is a VoIP company. Lawsuit?)

EAT MY PIGSKIN!

Fear my football guessing prowess! In the Deadspin Pants Party Pigskin Pick 'Em (love the alliteration), I finished tied for 36th out of 2512 entries, in the coveted 99.1 percentile. That's right, that's me ("Shut Up Strahan You DICK!"--man, there are some funny names on there) on the first page of the finalists, bitch! I got 161 correct out of a possible 256 (66%), while the group winner(s) got 172 (the overall winner got 178). I may not have been up against 2512 active particiPANTS, since usually a good portion of the them either forgot to make all their (non-spread) picks, played for a few weeks and then forgot about it, or both. But that doesn't make it any less impressive! And surely you, the reader of this blog, could not have done any better, what with all the underdogs winning this year. Oh sorry, I'll stop calling you Shirley.

However, one person we can call Shirley is ESPN Page 2's Bill Simmons. He routinely ridicules women for their inferior sports knowledge (among other things). Well, he decided to include his wife's football picks alongside his own this season, and it turns out that SHE BEAT HIM. In other words, he can also eat my pigskin! He is no match for my mighty blognosticative powers! So remember to think twice before taking gambling advice from some schmuck on some other sports website.

(BTW, I had OSU beating FLA 35-10. Glad I didn't blog that!)

BOISE STATE: NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!

The Boise State Broncos finished off an undefeated 13-0 season by beating Oklahoma 43-42 in the Fiesta Bowl to win the NCAA national championship! Congratulations on such an amazing and improbable season!

Once again, it's been proven that there's no need for a playoff system, because the BCS clearly determines an undisputed overall champion. So take that, you naysayers!

In other news, Florida (13-1) beat Ohio State (12-1) handily last night in the Tostitos Salsa Bowl, or something. I'm not sure it was a bowl game, because it didn't really have a name as far as I could tell.

And congratulations to Dallas, who kicked a winning FG to beat Seattle last Saturday! Way to go, 'Boys!


(photo courtesy of SI.com)

MEH.

Well, that's the end of that chapter.

But at least the Giants played hard against the Eagles last night, and didn't just shit out another playoff game like last year. Tiki played well (what will this team do without him?), Plaxico played great, Eli dug them out of a 1st and 30 hole to score that tying TD, and even an injured Shockey fought admirably. Of course, their defense is god-awful; they made Brian Westbrook (from? Villanova!) look like Gale Sayers. But imagine if they had played hard all year, then we'd have something! (Hmmm, getting the players motivated and on the same page . . . maybe COACHING was the problem? Perhaps A CHANGE SHOULD BE MADE?)

Oh well, I was looking forward to a Sunday afternoon NFL playoff drinkathon (since I have off Monday). I guess I could still do that, but it's not as fun (or cathartic) when I'm not yelling at the screen . . .

(And I didn't choose an "upset special" because I knew there wouldn't be one this weekend. And NY teams went 0-2, as I suspected.)

OH NO, ROMO!

We spent the first 3 quarters http://www.superbowl.com/gamecenter/recap/NFL_20070106_DAL@SEA saying, "Wow, these teams suck." In fact, the teams representing the NFC suck so bad it made us wish we were watching an AFC matchup between, well, anyone. The game was horrendous . . . and then the 4th quarter happened, with an ending almost as bizarre as the Indy/Pitt game last year.

SCREW YOU GOOTUBE AND THE NFL FOR TAKING DOWN THE VIDEO!




So that's how the season ended for the Cowboys and inexplicable NFC Pro Bowl QB Tony Romo. Hey, don't laugh, he's a Romosapien just like the rest of us.

Naturally, just like the aforementioned Indy/Pitt game, this one was largely decided by questionable video replay calls. With 6:32 left, initially the Seahawks appeared to score a TD when Glenn fumbled on a quick out at the 2 and the defense picked up the bouncing ball in the end zone. But after further review (on a coach's challenge), one of the Seahawks players had stepped out of bounds and it was changed to a safety to make it 20-15. Quite frankly it wasn't completely clear from the replay that Glenn caught the ball in the first place. The Seahawks would get the free kick at the 50 and score shortly thereafter (because Roy Williams is incapable of covering anyone), and ultimately win thanks to the safety.

Plus, that final FG attempt on 4th down was necessary because a call was overturned on the field, saying that Witten did not get a first down, a conclusion that is not entirely conclusive on video replay (there was no camera at the first down marker). I don't know if Dallas fans will complain about the officiating as much as Seahawks fans did after SB XL, because after all they were an extra point FG away from advancing. And everyone will forget that Holmgren blew it by trying to tie the game on 4th and goal on the 2 with under 7 minutes left (which led to the safety), because winning has a funny way of making you forget those things.

Anyway, enjoy the postseason, Romo!

(BTW, I don't believe for a second that he's ever dated Jessica Simpson or Carrie Underwood, it's all just 100% pure media bullshit.)

Oh, and uhm, let's go Giants. This year's 8-8 G-Men team is the worst playoff team EVER . . . and they still could beat the Eagles. In other words, the NFC both sucks AND blows. One last thing: Jeff Garcia = Jeff Hostetler. There. I said it.

PLAYOFFS?

It took them about 7 tries, but Coors Light finally made a funny "fake press conference" commercial (and it's only funny because the real Jim Mora press conference is hilarious).



PLAYOFFS???

WRIST SHOTS: GOOD SHOW, HEMSKY! (BAD SHOW, STEFAN!)

The NHL is starting 2007 off with a bang. Thursday night may have featured 10-2 and 9-4 games, but this sequence http://www.sportsline.com/nhl/gamecenter/recap/NHL_20070104_DAL@EDM is unbelievable. I don't think I've ever seen this happen before.



Are you kidding? The Stars ended up winning in a shootout, but who cares? Stefan has to feel like a chump after that. Wow.

Meanwhile, we're at the halfway point (roughly), so let's look around the league.

WALES CONFERENCE. Marty leads the league with 6 shutouts and is starting to look like his old self once again, with a stellar GAA. Although the Devils have some defensive injuries (White and Oduya out, Wisconsinite Brooks filling in--where does Lou find all these Americans?), youngster Zach Parise is coming along nicely. The Rangers broke their 6 game losing streak, and are now on a 4 game winning streak. The Islanders, well, are the Islanders, and have slipped from the top spot. However, none of these Patrick Division teams look like world beaters. This must be great news for Buffalo, who leads the NHL with 29 wins, and the only threat is the . . . Thrashers?

CAMPBELL CONFERENCE. The Ducks are still on top, but have had a rash of injuries lately: Pronger broke his foot and is out indefinitely, and Giguere is day-to-day with a groin. San Jose is the scariest team out here to me, with the Predators starting to roll as well. The Wild have emerged as the best home team, which makes me wonder why Minnesota ever lost their hockey team in the first place.

The funniest news has to be the NHL All-Star Game voting. For the first time the league has decided to go "all-digital" by allowing unlimited online voting. I'm guessing that now they're probably sorry that they did this. Journeyman defenseman Ryan Fitzpatrick, who has 1 point (0G-1A in 26 games, tied for 215th in scoring amongst defensemen) this season for Vancouver, has been part of a grassroots write-in campaign to get him on the team. Voting ended Jan 2nd with him garnering more votes than EVERY DEFENSEMAN EXCEPT FOR SCOTT NIEDERMEYER, and more votes than any player in the East except Crosby.

Rory Fitzpatrick Vancouver 428,832

That's right, he has more votes are than Lidstrom, Ignila, Hasek, Brodeur, Ovechkin, Briere, Jagr, or Malkin have. I love the way the NHL.com article nonchalantly says, "Oh, and by the way he's in 2nd place." What they really should say is: "Thanks, you frigging insane Canadians, for making the whole online voting process a farce. You guys are dicks."

In other news, the Penguins are considering moving to Kansas City. This is a team that has the most exciting roster of young talent in the league, and that's the best city they could choose? I guarantee that everyone there would ask "Who's Malkin?", and the NHL marketers will wonder why the KC fanbase isn't as enthusiastic as Pitt, despite all the viability studies. Obviously, the people who run the NHL still don't "get it". Bettman has to fucking go already.

Merry New Year! NHL ON NBC starts Saturday.

2006 DICKTARD OF THE YEAR

Remember all that talk about the 3 Duke lacrosse players being accused of sexually assaulting a stripper at a party last year? I'm sure you do, since this sensational and divisive case was covered by the media ad nauseum when the story broke in March. But it was raised to a ridiculous level thanks to District Attorney Mike Nifong, who began holding numerous press conferences, leaking information about the case to the media, and grandstanding in front of protest groups in North Carolina. Despite his comments he didn't really have any solid, damning evidence against the students, as DNA testing came up negative. His prosecution hinged mostly on the testimony by the accuser, whose credibility was questioned almost from the start.

It turns out that most of the charges were dropped against the students on 12/21/2006, after the 28 year old accuser now says she is "no longer sure if she had been raped". On 12/28/2006, Nifong was charged with ethics violations by the NC state bar, and the remaining two students who have not yet graduated have been welcomed back by the university. They still have a hearing on sexual offense and kidnapping charges, but they are expected to be dropped as well.

So why was Nifong making misleading comments about these kids, and steadfastly seeking an indictment against them? In the name of justice? Nah. Basically, he was just looking to get elected as DA, which he did in November and was privately sworn in yesterday. He's suddenly shy towards the media and declining to comment on the case, when a few months ago you couldn't shut him up. Now he's quoted as saying he "needs to be part of the healing process", despite the fact that he'll be kicked off the case and could ultimately be suspended or disbarred. I guarantee that he thought this was an easy case to prosecute, and it backfired badly on him.

What a grade A prime asshole. Congratulations Durham County DA Mike Nifong, you are the 2006 DICKTARD OF THE YEAR!

A special honorable mention goes to THE MEDIA who reported on this case, most of it inflammatory and reactionary comments against the students involved (none of them substantiated), thanks in no small part to Nifong himself. Naturally, now that the students have had the rape charges dropped, and the sexual assault/kidnapping will likely be dropped, it's BARELY IN THE NEWS AT ALL. Imagine that! This is akin to the newspaper putting a screaming front page headline in size 72 Arial font, and later printing a tiny retraction/correction on page 56 under the horoscopes. I've said it before, and I'm likely to say it again: the news media and lawyers can go fuck themselves in 2007.

IF THE BCS RAN THE NFL . . .

Here's the playoff picture for the NFLBCS championship this year. The final BCSNFL standings are as follows (the Top 10 are invited to BCSNFL Bowl Games):

1. San Diego (14-2) (1.0000)
2. Chicago (13-3) (.9362)
3. Baltimore (13-3) (.9344)
4. Indianapolis (12-4) (.9012)
5. New England (12-4) (.8896)
6. Seattle (9-7) (.7645)
7. Philadelphia (10-6) (.7571)
8. Dallas (9-7) (.7001)
9. New Orleans (10-6) (.7000)
10. Kansas City (9-7) (.6402)

With the best records overall, AFC West champion San Diego will play NFC North champion Chicago in the NFLBCS National Super Championship Bowl in Miami!

Although they did nothing but win their last 4 games, AFC North winner Baltimore dropped to #3 and will play NFC South winner New Orleans in the NFLBCS Sugar Bowl. (This is conveniently already in New Orleans, so their fans don't have to travel and leave their FEMA trailers.)

Indianapolis won the AFC South title and will play NFC West winner Seattle in the NFLBCS Rose Bowl.

AFC East winner New England meets NFC East winner Philadelphia in the NFLBCS Orange Bowl.

Although NFC East winner Dallas lost its last 2 games (including season finale to Detroit), and gave up 104 points while losing their last 3 home games, they earn an automatic berth because they are in the top 8 of the final BCSNFL Standings, and will play AFC West #2 Kansas City in the BCSNFL Fiesta Bowl.

This should most likely determine a nearly unanimously agreed upon winner for the NFLBCS!

THE HANGOVER BOWL

Over the past 11 days of holiday/vacation time, I couldn't figure out a way to stay home and still pay the bills, so unfortunately I'm at work today. If I've learned nothing else from 2006, it's that I need to marry a woman who has a steady job so I can quit mine. Thanks Kris, and Scott! So I'm off to the search the Interwebs for my hardworking Russian bride!

First, this from the "Not Really As Good As It Sounds" file: Cablevision added two HD channels yesterday. However, they are YES-HD (which was already on there showing Nets games, just not 24 hours a day) and SNY-HD (which they already had part time). Basically, they're two networks that have very little HD content until April 1st, and even then it's only during a live game broadcast. Way to go! Thanks, jerks. Where is DiscoveryHD? Or ESPN2-HD? I cannot wait to dump CV.

Speaking of cable TV jerks, the 50 Greatest MSG Moments list, which they seem to be counting down over a period of 50 weeks, is dead to me. Why, you ask? Because #44 was "The Debut of the New York Liberty". I can't take any list seriously that has that on it. I also read somewhere that 23 of the 50 MSG moments involve the Knicks/Rangers. Since they're showing this list at their busiest time of the programming year (and not the summer, when they've got nothing else to show), it's basically just a long series of ads to try and get more people to watch the games on MSG. And I can understand Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, but Billy Freaking Joel made the Top 50? Bah. What about that Devils/Rangers game where Karl surprised me and bought 2nd row seats? That was WAY better. That's in my 50 BEST DAMN MSG MOMENTS, along with that Peter Gabriel "Secret World" concert and the Harlem Globetrotters in 1977. Though, the list would be hard for me since I don't even think I've been there 50 times. Anyway, I'm so sick of lists.

For a true nostalgia countdown, NFL Network is showing the original unedited network broadcasts of all 40 Super Bowls this month. Without all the commercials, analysis, concerts and associated garbage we've come to expect, Super Bowl III is probably and hour and a half long. Once again, I don't have this channel, so let me repeat: SCREW CV.

Speaking of countdowns (I'm on fire with the segues today), I think Dick Clark needs to quit the ABC Rockin' Eve show. He counted down from 20 along with the New Years Eve crowd in Times Square, and even skipping "10" he was a full second behind and couldn't keep up. It's sad, he sounds like he's in bad shape. We love you, Dick, but you seriously need to retire. Hey, it's been a great 58 years doing that job, though. I think it's time to pass the torch to Univision's "Feliz 2007"--those people truly looked like they were having the funnest feliz of them all.

In closing: how great is "The Honeymooners" marathon on New Years Day? "THAT'S 'Swanee River'???"

THE GREATEST BOWL GAME FINISH OF ALL-TIME?

It looks like I missed what might have been THE GREATEST BOWL GAME FINISH OF ALL TIME. Of course, this happens on the only night out of the LAST 12 THAT I COULDN'T STAY UP LATE; I went to sleep at halftime with Boise State leading Oklahoma 21-10, because I HAD TO WORK. But numerous people have told me that in last night's Fiesta Bowl, sometime after midnight Boise State made a miraculous hook-and-lateral play to tie Oklahoma in regulation, and then won it on a Statue of Liberty play 2 point conversion in OT, 43-42. I can understand one trick play winning a game, but TWO? And the second one coming on an all-or-nothing 2 point try in the first OT? The BSU coach might have a bigger set of stones than the Oregon State coach. (And it thrills me to no end to get to say "hook-and-lateral" and "Statue of Liberty" play in the same sentence. And I'm not going to take credit for it, but they obviously read my advice to the Giants coaching staff.)

Of course, I was asleep during all of this. But thank god for GooTube (even though it's only the final 2 minutes and OT, it's more than worth it). Just watch it, because words won't do it justice:



Holy crap. That's unpossible! Throw in any cliche you want, they all apply. That was outstanding.

On top of all this, the player who ran in that winning conversion even PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND afterwards. (What a rollercoaster ride for that guy: one moment he was on top of the world, and then . . . not so much.)

Of course, FOX had the game so I doubt ESPN will play it as an "Instant Classic" anytime soon. Maybe FOX Sports Net will do the right thing and refrain from a "BEST DAMN LIST" for a couple of hours and show the whole shebang, but I doubt it. Barring that, the next time it will be on will be 2014 in a bar somewhere, and we'll be saying, "Why are they showing this again? I can't remember what happened." Either way the BCS can take their bowl championship system and shove it, because Boise State clearly should be allowed to play for a National Championship. (Seriously, my "Final 8" bracket can work. Think about it.)