SABRETOOTH WILL STILL KICK YOUR ASS

Just in case you missed it the first time around; enjoy Sabretooth's glorious destruction of The New Jersey (hahahaha) Devil.

I've got a ton of different things that I want to talk about, and I'll be god damned if I'm going post 5 different times, when I can do it just once. Don't like it? T.S.

* I've been doing a lot of highway driving at night lately and there's something that bugs me (well there's lots of things that "bug me" but there's this one thing in particular). So, picture it, you're on the highway, you're going from city A to city B (for the sake of argument we'll say Bordeaux to Toulouse, since that's where these observations have taken place). So, it's ~250 km between these two fair towns (that's a little bit over 150 miles). You're driving and you have about 200km to go: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED YOUR FUCKING GPS UNIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE? YOU STUPID STUPID PERSON. No, but really. First of all, I think that 90% of people need to spend more time focused on the actual road and less on objects in the vehicle, second, GPS has its uses, but I still prefer an actual road map (which has never told me to turn left on the a highway while going 85mph) and third, even if you need a GPS (I do agree that there are some uses for them, especially in cities), you don't need it to tell you "go straight for...200 miles. Then turn left). I fucking hate this, it's like people who get a new TV and it's the only thing they talk about for like a week...I really hate those people.

*So I was watching the SORNY again last night...and man, I really need to validate my purchase. I'm goign to find a forum where I can tell the world how fucking awesome this thing is. And how I think that my TV magically gets HD broadcasts right with only a SD turner (I read someone who was convinced that this was true).
Has anyone ever noticed this phenomena with recent purchasers of mass-market AV equipment? People always rate their purchase as a 9/10 or 10/10, even though they've only had the TV for a week (well except the people who got a broken one). It's fine for trending (if a lot of TVs are coming back broken, well that's not good), but only an idiot would pay attention to what the purchasers thought.

*I was playing NHL2000 again. After Jeff K's blatant mimicry (it's the best complement they say), I felt the need to kick some Devil ass (like our old friend Sabretooth, who, the public agrees, is definitely kicking ass right now). I played a mini tournament featuring all the NY/NJ teams. I didn't check the difficulty level, but I think, based on the results, that it was on Rookie (2/4). Things went poorly for Eeel-e-ass (it's an NHL officially licensed product too!) and Co. The first round saw each team play once, then a 1-4 seeding with semi and final games. BUF-NJD 6-2, BUF-NYR 11-1, BUF-NYI 8-0. Semifinals BUF-NJD 8-0. Finals BUF-NYI 11-0. Final standings BUF-NYI-NYR-NJD (Ritcher shut the diablos out in the bronze metal game). Miro Satan averaged 3 goals per game. Peca, playing on defense had 2 hat tricks and the Sabres managed to injure 3 of the 5 Islander starters in the Final (somehow I had the Injuries Option Turned "OFF" for most of the tournament). Needless to say, it takes some of the edge off of...

*What the fuck. I mean, there's playing like shit all season, then almost making it at the end, while going out in a blaze of glory (like for example winning out, but not getting any help). And then there's playing like shit all season and then playing like shit in the last 15 games. The fucking Sabres had something like 3 good games this year. Maxim for Men better be traded (yeah, I know, who'll take him and for what? but still) or Darcy Regier is dead to me.

Jeff quoted some stats a few days back, and while I agree that Buffalo's malaise this year can't all be completely attributed to Daniella and Chrissy's departures, Vanek's precipitous drop in numbers can be. He was lined up with Daniella most of last season and a lot of Briere's 63 assists hit Vanek's stick on their way into the net. His +47 last year to -6 this year? I don't know. I don't want to be called a cynic, but he had an entry-level contract last year and he's got $52mil promised over the next 7 now? Meh. He'd better pick it up some next year, I tell ya, I watched a game back when they still had a chance (a week or so back) and he was dogging it something awful on every shift. I like the kid, he's big, he's strong, he can score goals, but he also seems to have a lazy streak that someone of his remuneration should not even consider.

*I would take the Cryers in the playoffs if it meant that the Sens didn't make it. That would make me laugh so much.

*I've watched a few soccer games lately, mostly to see how the LCD handles heavy motion and since it's getting late in the international competitions there aren't any French teams left. So I've been paying attention to the protocol for a French announcer; i.e. who they must support/encourage to win:

1. The French National Team (FNT) vs _________(up to and including God).

2. Former French colony (or country with French-sounding name) vs anyone [except the FNT]

3. French Team vs non-French team in International competition (UEFA, Champions League)

4. Non-French team with French coach vs. non-French team with non-French coach.

5. Non-French team with FNT players vs. non-French team without FNT players

6. Non-French team with French-sounding player (usually from one of the teams in #2) vs. Non-French team without French-sounding player.

7. Non-French team with non-French-sound player who last year had a French player vs Non-French team with non-French-sounding player who did not have a French player last year.

It goes on and on like this, but this is apparently the law as laid down by L'Academie Française. I have no source information, except having watched games on all the major French channels, where every game they need to prove that they follow the above rules; loudly and repetitively.

WRIST SHOTS: BUFFALO BLEU IT

My thumb hurts from flipping between 7 different NHL games last night. Yes, the NHL Centre Ice package was made available to all cable subscribers this week. The reason? Because it's a free trial week for MLB Extra Innings. So wait, why is the hockey free too? Because cable providers are too stupid to figure out how to flip the switches correctly to only give its subscribers one of them, so they just unscrambled everything. Regardless, I got a lot of free surprise hockey last night, the best kind of hockey there is.

The deep fried, hot sauce slathered, blue cheese dipped dream is over: the Buffalo Sabres are done. They completed the choke job by losing to the Habs 3-1 last night, making them one of only 7 teams since 1932 to finish 1st overall one season and miss the playoffs the next. They played with an incredible amount of intensity in the final 10 minutes (when they were already down 3 goals), which begs the question: where was that intensity all season? Huge disappointment. Quote of the night from a fan on Bfloblog: "fuck a comeback - just break someones nose!" Thanks vtTom, that was fantastic.

Meanwhile, let me tell you about Buffalo Bleu chips: they're awesome! From the good people at Kettle Foods, they're A TOUCH OF FIRE AND ICE, with a BRAZEN spice mellowed by BLUE CHEESE. They're crispy and krinkle cut, and they're made with 0 g trans fats. Delicious! Take it from me: Buffalo Bleu it!

Why do Montreal fans at the Bell Centre do the "Olé! Olé-olé-olé!" chant during games? I guess we can add them to the long list of unoriginal fans who have co-opted that stupid, tired soccer chant. And I thought they were more savvy than to follow the latest fad. Mets fans have even started doing it during José Reyes' at-bats at Shea. Enough! (I also hate the "Marty's better!" chant at Devils games, which is sure to rear its ugly head in the playoffs.)

I don't have the CI package (it's not in HD, so why bother), so I think this is maybe only the 2nd time I've seen Detroit all year. That's a crime, and I have Bettman to thank for that (at least I'm not in Canada where they force fans to PPV for select games). Anyway, the Wings locked up another Presidents Trophy last night, setting themselves up for another playoff disappointment. Zetterberg's winning goal -- from behind the net, flipping it up and rebounding it off CBJ goalie Leclaire's back with 14 seconds left -- was pretty artful, I have to say. I saw that they were running a promotion for the playoffs, something along the lines of "What crazy thing would you do for a luxury box?" Personally, I would wear a Devils jersey and walk around Detroit taunting Red Wings fans! Oooo, that's crazy.

Ovechkin is a great player (there's obviously no debate there), but is there a chance the Kaps rely on him a little too much? I mean, it's a team sport and he can't be out there on every shift. This stat from the Slap Shot blog is interesting: if you combine shots made and missed, no one has the puck on their stick more than Ovie, by a long shot.

Player (Team): Shots/Missed/Total
Ovechkin (WAS): 436/196/632
O Jokinen (FLA): 338/112/450
Zetterberg (DET): 344/105/449

He's taken nearly 100 more shots than the next guy in the league, and missed more shots than most players take all year. That's absurd. Naturally, his shooting percentage isn't very high; while players like Malkin and Kovalchuk connect 17-18% of the time, Ovie is only at 12.2%. All I'm saying is, maybe the Kaps would be in the playoffs already if the majority of their offense wasn't merely him skating in circles trying to create a scoring chance for himself. There's always one jerk at open hockey who does that (Palice's Tom "Fucking" Bailey, I'm looking in your direction), and leaves you begging him to pass it around a little so the rest of us could improve our game. (BTW, we're pronouncing it wrong: it's "uh-VEECH-kin".) In other words, if they meet up with a good goalie, I see a first round exit. However, if it's Conklin/Marc-Andre Fleury . . .

With Nashville winning and Vancouver losing, we've lost yet another Canadian squad to the Confederate Menace. After they scored the 3rd goal to pretty much seal it, they played a country song which I couldn't possibly name. (Every song sounds like Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places" to me.) I have to admit, it was frightening, like hockey being played some bizarro world. It looks like hockey, but they probably deep fry and eat the pucks afterwards in some weird ritual.

So now the 8 teams in the Campbell Conference are set. In the Wales race, the Rangers are in, and I guess it's up to NJ tonight to help keep Philthy out of it. Will they steal back the 8th spot from suddenly surging Kaps, or get the butt end of the stick?



Oops. Hey, things like that will happen, what can you do?

One other question to the Devils: WHY IS MARTY STILL PLAYING??? You know, I'm pretty sure they have a backup that can come in and give him his first day off since January 6th. Or not. Suit yourself.

I have no idea what the hell this "player rankings" chart means (I guess this is based on just straight player statistics, and not performance or wins), but the Devils are 1st, Rangers are 4th and the Red Wings are 18th. The top team in the East,Sidsburgh is way down at 22nd. Huh, I guess these stats are pretty meaningless.

Coming soon: OPEN HOCKEY NHL PLAYOFF PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

WRIST SHOTS: IF YOU'RE NOT SICK OF THE KID YET, JUST WAIT

It's headlines like this that make me hate all sports reporters: Crosby helps Penguins win first division title in 10 years. Despite the fact that he was hurt for almost 30 games, he carried this team! Oh, and there's this guy named Malkin (did I spell that right?) who has played every game, and might have scored a few goals (like, 40-something) here or there too. But none as handsome and photogenic as this goal:



OH, SID! I could never stay mad at you. What would be better than a first round Pens/Kaps matchup? A second round matchup! (See what I did there?)

Yeah, that was a Devils goal by Zubrus that "replay" missed and Thomas nicely blocked from view. Imagine if someone doesn't make the playoffs because Boston got that charity point . . . ?

Devils PxP man Mike "Doc" Emrick said something in passing last night about the "silly" names that the divisions used to have, like "Patrick Division", and how names like "Atlantic Division" make much more sense. Has he ever heard of "tradition"? Has he been brainwashed by Bettman? This is about the only thing I've found so far that I don't like about Doc (that and his career with the Flyers). Hey, how about you just call the game and leave your silly opinions to someone else? I care more about what Chico thinks about the quality of the nachos at The Rock. (HE LIKES IT! HEY MIKEY!)

Devils playoff tickets are on sale! I repeat, Devils playoff tickets are on sale! Yes, I got two emails this week. Most other teams don't have to send multiple notices like this, as they usually sell out before the email gets to my inbox. Hockey in downtown Newark remains a tough sell, however. They want you to ROCK YOUR RED, "joining the legion" by wearing red to the playoffs. Sounds like a dirty Communist plot to me.

As we all know, the Senators once had a 7 point lead in the Wales Conference, and now they're in danger of missing the playoffs. They couldn't blow it, could they? COULD THEY?

The Habs will beat the Swordswallowers tonight to put an end to that dream. And who keeps voting for Sabretooth? I had no idea you were such huge fags fans. You know that attack on the Devil was photoshopped, right? The source photo (at left) shows him gayly jumping around on the lawn in front of some McMansion, probably rented out for some brat kid's 10 year old birthday party. No swords, no killing (unfortunately). Anyway, don't worry, after tonight you'll be free to frolic, Toothy. (Wow, that's an autographed photo. That must be worth . . . nothing.)

Everyone seems to be slagging Nashville, because they're in the way of Vancouver (Godforbid, a team from Canada!) making the playoffs and losing in the first round. I am all for them making it, because not only do they have players with silly names like Legwand, Bonk and Tootoo, they have Vernon Fiddler. I picture him barefoot with a big hillbilly beard and overalls, madly fiddling on the porch of an old shack while the locals dance and swig moonshine. Sort of like this:



If they don't make the postseason, he could always return to his violin gigs. HEY VERN!

Last but not least the Rangers are in with a win tonight at the Mausoleum, where they meet the Icelanders. It should be interesting/scrappy/chippy/bloody. One thing I know for sure: POTVIN SUCKS.

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO MARTY LIKE IT'S 2002

After Kris decided to dust off his SORNY Playstation (the newest gaming technology available in France, apparently) and play some NHL 2000 on his new SORNY TV (and brag about beating the Devils, and about how much better his fake Sabres team is vs. the real one), I decided that I had to reply. Little did he know that he's stirred the pot, awoken the beast and created a monster: last night I found my PC copy of NHL 2002. This could get ugly.

I haven't played it in about 3 years, and it was pretty funny seeing Super Mario (Lemieux, not the Nintendo star) on the cover. While not as immediately enjoyable as NHL '94, graphically stunning as NHL 2001 for PS2, or as slick and shiny as NHL 08, this game was fun to play, not overly glitchy and endlessly customizable. I even had my "ditties" (clips of songs you upload that play during stoppages) still on the hard drive. While NHL 98 was an excellent showcase of what a PC hockey game could be, this edition may have been the last solid NHL game that EA released on the PC.

However, it wasn't a simple process to just "play a game" on my old computer. First, I had to reinstall it, and find the old box which had the EA registration code on it (ugh). Then I had to find a driver for the gamepad (which I had actually bought as a backup but never used), and download the newest rosters I could find (2005-06 season). Was it worth it? Yes it was. (Or was it?)

I set up a quick game of Sabres @ Devils at the Continental Breakfast Arena, playing at difficulty level 2 (it goes from 1 to 4, where 4 = frigging impossible). As I began to play I realized that this was the first NHL videogame I've ever played where I didn't have Scott Stevens playing D for the Devils--and I didn't like it at all. One thing I did notice that always bothered me about the game is the weird computer AI whenever one of their wingers skates towards the goal with the puck. Instead of going directly at the goal, 80% of the time the player would skate straight north-south (as if he was in a bubble hockey slot) to almost the goal line, and then make a sharp right angle cut. If you could hit him or knock him off the puck before he was able to get off a pass into the slot, you were fine. If you didn't, there was a good chance they'd score a one-timer goal. Very odd. Also, the goalies are pretty dumb about covering up the puck around the crease, and seem to ignore it while it sits on the outside of the net. Otherwise, it's a solid game (if you can ignore Don Taylor's silly color commentary).

As I was slowly relearning the game controls on the weird new (to me) gamepad, I was getting badly outshot/outhit (I had a lot of shots AT goal, which dammit, NHL 2002 doesn't keep track of). On one side, you had a great Sabres squad with Drury, Danielle and Maxim for Men (who must have a "speed rating" of 99). The home team was a so-so Devils group, with Gomez, Gionta and Madden, but also Grant Marshall (on the first line?), Mogilny (who barely played that season) and Kozlov (who in typical Russian fashion, dogged it all year) and spotty defense. However, the Devils still had Marty in goal so it all added up to a 4-0 shutout. (Sounds like their entire team history since 1994.) I checked later, and the Devils' team rating was actually one point higher than Buffalo, though seemed like they didn't have as much talent. I made Miller look silly on a Gomez breakaway, and on the final Langenbrunner goal, which he seemed to give up on (realism!) standing almost straight up as the puck sailed by like a Frisbee. He also looked silly wearing a black/red mask and pads with the blue/gold 3rd jersey, but that's not important when your save % is only .810.






Once I remember how to play (and lay down the BIG HIT), I'm going to switch to a higher difficulty level and perhaps start a playoff tournament with all of this season's teams in the mix.

(Anyone out there have the latest rosters for 2007-08?)

WRIST SHOTS: SHOOT FIRST, TRANSLATE LATER

Whew. The Devils are in. I never doubted it for a second. (Ha.)

Everyone in New Jersey can breathe a sigh of relief, unless they're near the chemical refineries in Elizabeth, where I don't recommend breathing at all. Now Weekes can take on Boston tonight, Marty can sit back with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts, and everyone (except the rest of the league, who doesn't want to face Marty) can relax. It's going to be all right. A lot can change in the next 3 games, but they're currently in the 4/5 matchup with . . . the Rangers. (Uh oh.)

I hate the way teams dog it with 5 minutes left in regulation in a tie game. This is what seemed to happen in the Devils' 2-1 OT win on the Island last night, and the Devils ended it by scoring about 14 milliseconds into the extra frame. How annoying. Joey MacDonald stopped 45 of 47 shots for the Isles . . . wait, who? Is he occasional Isles play-by-play man Jiggs MacDonald's son? Just like seeing a young pitcher for the first time, the Devils couldn't figure out how to beat him until going through the lineup a few times. Sure, it was nice to see them shoot more, but that doesn't automatically mean they're going to score more.

Other headlines: Buffalo still alive for playoffs after shootout win. Is it still April Fools Day? I thought the Flyers were suspended and the Sabres were in the playoffs . . . ? So they've have figured out how to win in the shootout? Now I've heard everything! Maybe someone finally told them it counts the same as a real win, because thanks to Maxim for Men's skills competition goal they are still alive. On the other had, no thanks to his severe dropoff in scoring this year--they might have won enough games already to make it elementary.

BTW, let's take a look at the main Sabre offenders: Maxim and Vanek.

2006-07 Maxim: 23-38-61, +19, 56 games (1.09 PPG)
2007-08 Maxim: 10-18-28, -14, 54 games (0.52 PPG)

2006-07 Vanek: 43-41-84, +47, 82 games (1.02 PPG)
2007-08 Vanek: 33-28-61, -5, 80 games (0.76 PPG)

This illustrates, at least to me, that these two aren't exactly "gamers". Maxim's point production has really fallen off, but how about Vanek's plus-minus? That's a precipitous drop. I'm guessing that the harsh reality of living in Buffalo, with its utter lack of Eurodisco nightlife and acid-washed Levis, is really starting to take its toll on these guys. Meanwhile, Derek Roy has been worth his weight in gold, having a career year with 32-46-78, +14 in 76 games. Regardless of the number crunching, if the Kapital Komrades stop winning games, they might have a shot. So the Sabres are alive . . . just like the Kansas City Royals are still alive for that World Series run.

Montreal has won their division for the first time since 1991-92, as Ottawa continues their choke-job (if they miss the playoffs after starting 15-2, that would be something). However, they have some serious injury issues, and a rookie goaltender, going into the playoffs. I will be visiting Montreal the first weekend in May for a bachelor party (CLUB SUPER SEXE!) and I predict that they will no longer be playing hockey by then. Just a hunch.

In the "dead" column (CBS Sportsline still has them listed as "alive"--WAKE UP!): the Edmonton Oilers, whose milkshake has been finally sucked dry (SPOILER ALERT!) after losing 3-2 to their not-so-neighborly Alberta nemesis, thanks to "two Calgary flukes" (as the Sun puts it, the big babies). They were this season's ultimate tease as they kept their fans (falsely) believing they still had a shot through 81 games and 15 (HOLY CRAP!) shootout wins. At least the Edmonton Sun has a contingency plan to keep their readers occupied: "In Tomorrow's Paper, Tanya Enberg talks naughty in Sex Files." That should thaw things out nicely.

All of this playoff points race nonsense is exactly what Bettman and the league wants: hype. The cartoonish points system that gives away "charity" points gives the illusion that your team is still in it (or about to be eliminated). Like a stripper giving you a lap dance at a club, she makes it seem like she's really into you, and you foolishly think you have a chance with her . . . but at the end of the night you're just tired and frustrated and want your money back. But you might as well lead the fans on to the bitter end, because more fans who believe = more fans who show up at the games = more money. As you know, money based on bullshit is just as easy to spend as money well earned. The lesson is, as always, Bettman sucks.

A faithful reader (thanks, Ashley!) has made me aware of Bon Cop, Bad Cop, a 2006 "Canadian comedy-thriller buddy cop film" (is this a popular genre?) wherein a Quebecois cop and an English Canadian cop relunctantly join forces to solve a string of hockey related murders, which sounds like "Rush Hour" meets "Strange Brew" (okay, that's the only other "Canadian" movie I know). The pro hockey league in the movie is loosely based on the NHL and several characters are thinly veiled parodies of real life figures including "commissioner Harry Buttman", who is allegedly portrayed as weasly as his real life counterpart. I have no idea where I could find this movie outside of Canada (maybe I could borrow it next time I'm in Nova Scotia?) and I'm sure some of the jokes would be lost on me, but it sounds funny. I like the tagline "Shoot First, Translate Later".

SORNY BRAVARIA + NHL 2000 = KICKING THE DEVILS' ASSES

I got my authentic Sorny TV yesterday and since I rarely watch TV, I was kind of flipping around watching the Simpsons dubbed into French (Homerpoloza is a great episode, by the way) and bad French rap...Until I realized, I still have a PS1 somewhere. And NHL 2000 to go with it.

I played a warm up game against the Cryers, which ended poorly, for them. 5-1 Sabres, with Miro Satan getting 2G and 2Assists. After a little bit of dealing (man I love NHL 2000) in which the Canadian National Team traded me Joe Sakic for some benchwarmer and the Czech Republic team traded Jagr to me for...I don't even remember: A fifth line center, I think. We faced Dave Anderchyuk and the NJ Devils!

Bad night for Marty, giving up 3 goals on 27 shots (had an empty netter too), but that's the way it goes. Michael Peca even checked Scott Stevens through the glass. They were firing on all cylinders!

PHILTHY MEMO KICKS FLYERS OUT OF PLAYOFFS

I hope there's enough room in that penalty box for an entire hockey team and its management.

In an unprecedented move, the NHL has taken disciplinary action this morning against the Philadelphia Flyers for their dirty play this season. In light of new evidence found, the entire team has been suspended and barred from participating in postseason play, as outlined by Senior VP/Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell and commissioner Gary Bettman. Wow.

Apparently, an interoffice memo within the Flyers organization, thought to have been co-written by current Senior VP/former GM Bobby Clarke, has been discovered entitled "Restoring Honor: Philadelphia Flyers 2007-08". This outline essentially instructs players to play borderline illegal hockey in order to win, regardless of current NHL rules and practices. Some choice quotes include such instructions as: "increase your hitting, without regard to current imposed NHL limitations", "follow through on all your checks, using your stick or elbow if necessary", "continue to intimidate well after the whistle has blown", with the caveat that "referees cannot call every infraction". This is all expected to add up to "the restoration of the honor and pride of the Flyers organization, using our collective will, strength and intimidation". As a result of this damning set of instructions, the league took the "only recourse that would deter any further league infractions", according to Sherriff Campbell's statement. No response has been released by the Flyers as of yet.

None of this comes as a complete shock to me, as they've been "on notice" all season. Despite my obvious bias as a Devils fan, I'm not alone in feeling that Philthy is (and has been) as dirty as they come, as players like Jesse Boulerice and Steve Downie seemingly to have no respect for the game or the livelihood of their opponents. It turns out that management is complicit in this, as I suspected all along. However, as satisfying as the punishment is, the solution to this problem was rather eye-opening: not only have the Flyers have been banned from the Stanley Cup playoffs, but the Sabres have been awarded their playoff spot (#8 seed). Are you kidding me? What is the reason? "As the reigning President's Troohy winner, we felt it was only fair to reward [a playoff birth to] the Sabres organization, who have always acted with the utmost professionalism both on and off the ice," Bettman said in an early morning press conference. "We also wanted to reward the loyal Buffalo hockey fans, who are the greatest fans on the planet!" Unfortunately, he was not standing at center ice at the HSBC Arena when declaring this, and not surprisingly there was no effusive applause from the collected members of the sports media. As it turns out, Bettman still sucks.

So because the Sabres have a low number of suspensions this year, that's the sole requirement to play extra games? What about having 2 fewer points than the Kapital Komrades? That doesn't enter into it? I can't believe I'm torn about this decision, as I've been calling for the league to hand down meaningful punishment on Flyers management since the preseason. On second thought, forget about my apprehension, I'm all for it. Hopefully, this will be an actual deterrent and teams will realize that they cannot hide behind dirty play and intimidation in lieu of talent and teamwork.

Flyers suspension press conference - NHL Video - April 1, 2008 [YouTube]

UPDATE (10:00 PM): I forgot to add . . . APRIL FOOLS!

WRIST SHOTS: POINTLESS ENDEAVORS

I have been in favor of eliminating the current NHL point system, as it's gimmicky and rewards mediocrity. The folks over at Slap Shot (The NY Times hockey blog) came up with an interesting idea: they compare the NHL's "deeply flawed guaranteed-point scheme" (N) with the current 3-2-1-0 Euro system (E), and determine where each NHL team would be.

The N.H.L. Standings as They Are, and as They Should Be*

The West is virtually the same (VAN and NSH flip-flop and EDM, who stink in regulation but excel in the shootout, would be rightfully eliminated, shown in italics below). In the East, however, it would be bad news for the Rangers, who are sub-.500 in regulation and would end up down at 8th; the Devils would also drop from 4th to 6th, and be passed by Philthy. What about the Sabres? Still out of it, but alive.

WEST
N: Det 111, SJ 106, Min 95, Ana 98, Dal 93, Col 91, Cgy 90, Van 88 /// Nsh 87, Edm 86, Chi 84, Phx 80, Clm 80, StL 74, LA 69.
E: Det 157, SJ 145, Min 129, Ana 132, Dal 128, Cgy 124, Col 123, Nsh 119 /// Van 117, Chi 113, Clm 109, Phx 108, Edm 107, StL 101, LA 93.
EAST
N: Pit 99, Mtl 98, Car 90, NJ 93, Ott 92, NYR 91, Phi 91, Bos 91 /// Wsh 88, Bfl 86, Tor 82, Fla 81, NYI 76, Atl 72, TB 71.
E: Pit 137, Mtl 132, Car 125, Ott 128, Phi 125, NJ 124, Bos 122, NYR 120 /// Wsh 117, Bfl 115, Tor 110, Fla 108, TB 101, NYI 98, Atl 89.

In the comments section someone inquires what the standings would look like if they used the old W-L-T format (converting all OT/SO to a point for each team) . . . and in that case the Sabres would be in 8th. Woo hoo! Kris summed up their actual playoff scenario: "Buffalo needs to win out and either Boston or Philly must earn zero points in 3 games, or NYR must earn zero point in four games AND Washington needs to get no more than 2 points over 3 games." Simple! If that happens I will eat my CCM hockey helmet and buy everyone that reads this blog a lavish dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings (drinks not included).

I just heard that NBC's Game of The Week (which I tried to live blog yesterday, but lost interest and watched the entertaining and nicely crafted Assassination Of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford instead) has featured either the Rangers or the Penguins 7 times out of 10. So it's not my imagination, it's been excessive. Next week, they promise Chicago at Detroit, though by that time the Blackhawks might be out of it. Personally, I'm sick of CROSBY-CAM and I think it's time for LUCIC-CAM!

At least I can fall back on VERSUS who always mixes it up and shows different teams. For instance tonight they're showing . . . PENS AT RANGERS? Oh sweet Jebus.

By the way, I noticed that every teams' site has been converted to "teamname.nhl.com" as of this season. That's asinine, as I would rather type "bruins.com" or "sabres.com" to get where I want. This is akin to that "espn.go.com" nonsense--where the fuck did the Go Network go anyway? And why don't they just change it to "espn.com"? Yeah, I know they sometimes get re-directed but that's stupid and just makes more work for everyone. Bettman sucks.

Out West, I am officially afraid of Sharks. I pick them every year to represent the Campbell Conference in the finals, and every year they find some way to blow it. This is the year . . . they do the same thing. My theory is that as late spring temperatures heat up in the Valley, the ice gets slower and bogs down the once high flying team--either that or Nabokov and Marleau actually suck.

He may have reluctantly been forced into captaincy, but Jagr appears to be doing the opposite of what one would expect of a team captain. His reluctantance to participate in the skills competition has been well-publicized, as has his ineffectiveness (0 for 5 this season). However, this week he announced that he's talking about playing in Russia next year, a declaration which is ill-timed at best considering the Rangers are about to begin a playoff campaign. Anyway, I feel for the guy because if you take a shit in this city, everyone in the sports media is up your ass. I think he's the greatest but my dad says he doesn't skate very hard, except during the playoffs.

THE HELL I DON'T!


(I had to post this, because as lesser Zucker movies keep coming out, it makes me love this movie even more.)

My recent postings questioned the definition of a "choke-job". I think it can be defined as winning the President's Cup one year and missing the playoffs the next (which you can't blame on losing 2 free agents and/or injuries), like the 1995-96 Devils did after winning the Cup. Also, leading 3-1 at home going into the 3rd period versus the Sens, when you're 4 points out of a playoff spot . . . if you end up losing 6-3, that's a choke-job.

My interest in the NCAA basketball tournament died on Friday night when I realized all #1 seeds were going to sweep. So let's check out the FROZEN FOUR:

Michigan, Notre Dame, Boston College, North Dakota.

I don't know about you, but my brackets are toast since (I had UNH and Minny). The NY state teams are gone, and I guess UNH was not as good as I thought they were; they got a #1 seed despite a 3 OT loss in the Hockey East finals to BC, which should have told me something. After my Mass rant I can't really root for BC, who got to the finals thanks to two home games (in Worcester), so I'm just going to root for some good hockey. The semis (Mich/ND 6 PM, BC/UND 9 PM) are Thurs 4/10, and the final is on Sat 4/12 (7 PM).

(Yeah, I know it's MLB Opening Day and I'm blogging about college hockey. That's how much I care about it.)

LIVE BLOG: CROSBY CAM!

I decided to check out the NBC Sports' Crosby Cam and write down my thoughts about it, because it's a cold Sunday morning and because I can. Besides, you can't get enough of The Kid! Or can you? I'm about to find out.

It turns out that it's called "ISO-CAM" since Sid can't be on it all the time. ;(

There's also an Avery-Cam which I will not be clicking on, lest I catch him with a moderately priced hooker. I think David Letterman should sue, because this is very similar to the Late Night Monkey Cam. Oh that's right, that's now the "intellectual property" of NBC.

12:07. I tuned in a little early and caught Crosby getting dressed. THE HORROR! Interesting note: he wears a girdle. (Might be true.)
12:36. The game is underway, and the ISO-CAM is a second behind the TV. Also, there's no audio on the isolated player, just ambient noise. I was hoping to catch some interesting bench chatter, but I guess not. This will be annoying, I can probably only put up with a period of this.
12:38. That was quick: Rangers up 1-0. It turns out that when Crosby isn't on the ice, they switch to other players, thankfully. I didn't want to watch Sid blow his nose on the bench for 40 minutes. Malkin is up next, and it's fun to see the little things he does, such as setting up for an outlet pass,
12:42. LARAQUE-CAM! Just when I was starting to appreciate the little things hockey players do when they're not near the puck, I watched George skate in circles, hit one guy (Backman), look around for someone else to hit while never getting near the puck, and sit down after 35 sceonds. Aaaah, the life of a goon.
12:49. HOSSA SCORES! CROSBY WITH THE ASSIST! HE SAVES HOCKEY AGAIN! (It actually went off of Dupuis' skate and bounced right to Hossa.) No, that wasn't a great play by Crosby, despite the NBC call. Ugh.
12:51. Occasionally, the ISO-CAM freezes up, goes all pixelated, or just goes to a blue screen. Irritating.
12:53. During the PP, Crosby is looking down at his skate, and seems a little tentative. OMG I HOPE HE'S OKAY!
12:57. ISO-CAM catches Sid whining about an icing call for a full 2 minutes, pleading his case with the referees. Wow, the TV time outs are quite exciting. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
1:04. Wow, what a pass from Sid to Staal on the PP. He couldn't handle it. And Crosby draws yet another penalty, he's the best in the league at that (Avery is 2nd).
1:05. 30 seconds left on a 5-on-3, Crosby whacks it at the net right on the doorstep . . . and the cam freezes up so I never see it. Seconds later, Malkin scooooooores. 2-1 Sidsburgh.
1:10. End of 1st. Get ready for 20 minutes of ISO-CAM focused on the Zambonis and the Penguins blimp! I was hoping to get a pee-wee hockey game, but no luck.

Okay, I can't do this anymore. I'll take any bonus NHL coverage I can get, and while this is a cool idea it just seems like a work in progress. Or maybe this is the best NBC can do (they seem to suck at golf too). Still, it's better than Versus, and by "better" I mean "it exists". The so-called "official home of the NHL" doesn't seem willing to devote any extra time or energy to bring you bonus coverage. So you either get excessive, fawning coverage of a handful of star players, or barely any coverage at all.

In other words, Bettman sucks.

THERE WILL BE HATE

I believe that Daniel Plainview hates you already.



"I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people . . . there are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money so I can get away from everyone." - from There Will Be Blood (2008).

That might be the new mantra for this blog.

When you watch Daniel Day-Lewis sitting next to the fresh grave of a man he just killed, drinking himself into oblivion from a whiskey flask, you get the feeling he's done it before. (What I mean is that he's done it to prepare for the role, which is perfectly okay.) In There Will Be Blood, he chews up the scenery like a post-pub Irish breakfast at 4 AM. And when various characters during the movie attempt to wake him up as he's passed out on the floor, I'm not sure if they're screaming "DANIEL!" at the character or the actor. Yes, it's a powerful Oscar-worthy performance unfortunately surrounded by a weak script, which Danny-boy punches up by merely repeating every line twice for effect: say a line, pause, SAY IT AGAIN LOUDER AND MORE EMPHATICALLY. And If There Would Have Been Editing, they could have trimmed the fat and made a taut, tense, and interesting 2 hour long movie. (Oh, that's right, it's directed by Paul Thomas Anderson who is practically incapable of making a short movie.) So no, I didn't really like this movie.

I will not go bowling with that man.

I WILL NOT GO BOWLING WITH THAT MAN!

WRIST SHOTS: GREAT (DEVIL) MINDS THINK ALIKE

You might not know Greg Wyskynski* but he writes the fantastic NHL Closer on Deadspin (and also for a new startup called AmericaOnline, which allows you to connect to the "information superhighway" via several local dialup numbers at speeds of up to 14.4Kbps on your internal/external fax-modem). I now find that I can't go a day without reading his humorous daily take on the NHL and the world around it, as his funny references and pictures pretty much sum up everything I wish this blog could be. We seem to have a lot in common, as he also hates Bettman and the shootout, and he's a Devils fan (and a Mets fan, Jebus help us both) originally from Monmouth County, New Jersey (we were probably neighbors!). Like me, he's also a little disturbed by the way the Devils been playing. So as I was lamenting the Devils' latest loss and their complete inability to beat the Rangers, I included the following sentence in an email:

"What are the odds the Devils miss the playoffs? They're only 3 points from the cut line, so I'd say 50/50 right now. Seriously, they are looking like the September 2007 Mets right now."

Not 5 minutes later did I read this on the freshly posted NHL Closer: The Rangers Are the No. 1 Cause Of Depression : "They might as well play the rest of their home games at Shea Stadium". That's pretty freaky, but I guess great (Devils) minds think alike. In all honesty, if they miss the playoffs this would be a bigger choke-job than the Mets and the Sabres combined, the latter of which were never really in the playoff picture at any time this season. And if I see Thomas Glavine warming up in the Devils pre-game skate, I am going to jump off the Pulaski Skyway. (I LLOL at the "have another donut, Marty" line. I think he's bulking up for when Bettman cuts the size of the goalie pads next season. Or he carries the practice pucks in his cheeks.)

As for last night's debacle, the Devils dominated early in this game but as usual had fuck-all to show for it (see also: 3/8 @ TOR). Somehow the Rangers end up winning it on a bizarre lucky goal by Devilslayer Nigel "Tufnel" Dawes (I didn't see it, I was flipping and watched Xavier tie their game and beat Huggy Bear in OT instead):

A pass by Chris Drury, who assisted on every New York goal, hit the skate of Devils defenseman Sheldon Brookbank and caromed in on Brodeur. He steered the puck into the onrushing Dawes, on the ice after being knocked down by Travis Zajac. Both players barreled into the crease, with Dawes pushing the puck over the line with his shoulder with 3:06 left.

With his freaking shoulder? Ugh. Yeah, this stuff happens in hockey all the time, but why did it have to be in the Strangers' favor? So not only is this Devils team not getting any breaks, they're also playing like bitches (0 for 25 on the PP). What can I do? Instead of watching the Philthy matchup tonight, maybe I'll just sit in a darkened room and listen to my deluxe edition CD of Jeff Buckley Live at Siné as he sings "The Man That Got Away", which crying into my bottle of Westmalle. Whoa, I'm starting to sound like KSK's Emo Eagles.

/smacks self in face

By the way, Avery For Men is the biggest bitch on the ice. I was forced to watch the MSG feed (the only HD broadcast of the game--thanks Dolan, you dick) and the Rangers production crew must be in love with him, because they showed close ups of him the whole fucking night. After every play, he (gets up off his ass and straightens his helmet and) complains about something, dropping an F-bomb at whoever is within earshot. Every time he's cleanly checked, or flops on top of the goalie, runs into the boards of his own volition--it seems he believes that someone else should be blamed for it. Everyone is obviously wrong except him. He's such a douche . . . but I guess it's great if he's on your team.

What is a Ranger anyway? I understand the Texas Rangers being called that, since they existed, but what's a New York Ranger? Did they ride on horseback through Central Park on their way to the rink? Kris enlightens me: "The original owner of the NY Rangers Tex Rickard. The New York papers started calling the team "Tex's Rangers." Man, that's lame. My only response to that is that I fucking hate Texas.

At least I can Schadenfraude my day away with this TSN front page epitaph for the 2007-08 fallen LEAVES:

It's Over.

Boo hoo! Bye bye LEAVES! As the old adage goes: "It must be spring, because the Leafs are out." Or maybe you like "Make like a tree and LEAF!" Either one works for me. I'm going to out on a maple tree limb, but maybe it's time to get rid of selfish assholes like Darcy Tucker and Mats Sundin who sabotaged the system by refusing to waive their no-trade clauses, thus preventing the team from making any improvements. I blame the ownership, whoever that is. I just found out it's a combination of the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan, CTV, TD Bank and Kilmer Sports. Wait, they're owned by a teachers' pension plan? No wonder they're a mess. As it is, they are the most profitable team in the NHL, so why should any of the owners care if they make the playoffs? Why mess with the status quo?

In his free time between doing nothing running his business and Photoshopping in "blood splatter" to his Sabretooth-beheading-Devil masterpiece, Kris mentioned something about the Sabres winning a game in Canada somewhere wherein Maxim for Men scored a goal as pretty as his flowing blonde hair. If you ask me, that's the ultimate garbage time goal: when your team is out of playoff contention! He'll probably go on a spree, scoring 7 goals in the final 6 games as they finish 4 points out. Whatever. I stand by my assertion that Maxim for Men can go screw.

NBC has another hockey "Game of the Week" at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning, and guess what? The Nothing But Crosby network is featuring the Sidsburgh Crosbys (against some other team)! I actually like The Kid, but the constant drooling over him MUST STOP. How about giving some attentoin to Lucic or Kane? And would it kill you to show a West Coast matchup? (I've only heard rumors that Vancouver has a team, is that true? There's a British Columbia now?) This Peacock Blocking is because they must get the hoc-key out of the way early to show some crappy non-major golf tournament, in a shitty combination of HD and SD, at 2:30 PM. I'm so sick of this crap. I hit a bird on the way into work today, and although I'm not sure what type it was, I really hope it was related to the NBC peacock. (Actually, I probably would have felt that.)

In other Crosbys news, "♪I see my Maryanne skating awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!♪" As Kris stated, Maryanne Hossa might be literally made of glass; ever since the trade deadline he's been fragile, playing in only 8 games. Oh, Ruutu (who last night overshadowed Crosby saving hockey yet again) might be a bigger douche than Avery, but it's close.

I'll leave you with a lovely shot of a hockey player who truly hates pants. Man, that's got to be cold.

* Yay me, I spelled his name correctly without looking. That's when you know you've been reading too much Deadspin. Check out his book Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer. Thanks again for the Deadspin blogroll shoutout, Greg.

DRINKY DRINKY: JEVER PILSNER

Really quick review, since it's Friday night and I've got more beer to drink.

Interesting tasting pilsner. It's too cold here to truly appreciate it, but that's not a problem: I've turned the heat up to 95 degrees to imagine that I'm basking in the sun on a summer's day instead of the reality of being a virtual shut-in because of the fucking rain.

This beer has a smoky taste to it that I can't really define. It's crisper than I thought it would be and a bit dry, but there's a [not completely unpleasant] taste that I've never recognized in a beer before, maybe it's herb because all of the reviews I read say it has an herby taste and I know fuck-all about reviewing alcohol. I'm limited to: Did I manage to drink it all? Check! Did it make me feel good? Check! Was I sick the next morning? No! Perfect.

I read a review that said Pilsner Urquell is better. I don't know. Pilsner Urquell is probably easier to drink/less complex, but Jever definitely deserves your time, if you're in a beer store or a bar, that has it. That's as good of a review as this brew's going to get. Taste it if you can. If not, meh. There are better Germans out there (allegedly there is beer in that picture, who knew?).

V FOR VICTORY?

"Yeah, like the guy in the $5000 suit is going to hold the door for a guy who's lost in the first round to Bradley and Bucknell. COME ON!"



LET'S GO NOVA!

DRINKY DRINKY: BEER MADNESS!

This time of year, it's all brackets, brackets, brackets! Emulating the NCAA men's basketball tournament 64 team bracket, there are brackets everywhere. The most annoying ones are drawn up for all sorts of non-sports related contestants, from the hilarious Name of the Year, Real NFL Mascots (Kill Kill Kill), Hottest Chicks, Nerd Icons, the TV show LOST (SPOILER ALERT: Desmond won!), and Books (BORING!). But those are all a little too sissy for me.

So while drinking/watching the NCAA tournament in White Plains, I had the genius idea to create a bracket of 64 beers. So Karl, Rob and I drew it up, and held a draught (with help from Lee) comprised of beers that we like, for reasons of taste or sentiment. The only stipulation was that it could only be beers that we've actually had, so there's no Westvleteren, Kate the Great, Three Floyds, or Russian River entries here. There are, however, multiple Chimays, Stones, Ommegangs, Unibroues, Sam Smiths, as well as various domestics and Germans on the list.

I thought we might set up the bracket and then leave it up to voting on the blog. But it was a long afternoon and Karl had his laptop, so we forged ahead and chose the winners through a combination of opinion, intuition and coin flips. I think it turned out pretty good. It's BEER MADNESS!

Let's take a look at the ROAD TO THE FINAL POUR.
The four #1 seeds were (in order):
Chimay Blue (Dark Region), Rochefort 8 (Oatmeal Region), Ommegang Abbey Ale (Belgian Region), Allagash Tripel Reserve (Commercial Region).
Last pour in: Grolsch, Negro Modelo, Rheingold Extra Dry, Corsendonk
Last pour out: McAndrew's Scotch Ale, Saison Dupont, Schneider Aventinus, St. Bernardus Abt 12.

BITTER 32. None of the #16 seeds (Rolling Rock, Michelob Dark, Rheingold Extra Dry, Ballantine IPA) stood a chance against their heavier, unfiltered foes. Though there were few early upsets and the entire Oatmeal region went to chalk, there were a few underdog brews to advance:

#9 Hoegaarden def. #8 Duvel
#9 Young's Old Nick def. #8 Spaten Optimator
#9 Harpoon IPA def. #8 Thomas Hardy's Ale
#10 Anchor Porter def. #7 Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Ale
#11 Stone Smoked Porter def. #6 Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock
#12 Sierra Nevada Pale Ale def. #5 Samuel Smith's Winter Warmer

One scary matchup involved #3 Westmalle, who needed Tripel OT to defeat the smooth Sam Adams Cream Stout at #14.

HOPPED 16. Cinderella arrived dressed like a Piraat, as the #6 brew boarded the Old Thumper ship and made the #3 Shipyard beer walk the plank. #6 Sam Smith's Oatmeal Stout, possibly getting a lower seed than they deserved, cruised past the #3 Philosophers, who spent too much time thinking instead of drinking.

AROMATIC 8. In a battle of the Blues, the impressive Guinness-beating Blue Point guards couldn't hand-pull it out, succumbing to the formidable Chimay Blue. Rochefort 8 couldn't make it to the 8 against a syrupy Triple Bock attack. Fuller's Vintage Navy sunk the Piraat, and Westmalle mauled a wordy Shakespeare, who were ineffective on the iambic pentameter. But the biggest shocker was the affable #6 Affligem Noel who gift wrapped a defeat of #1 Allagash, whose starters and Reserves couldn't hit the Tripel to save their lives.

FINAL POUR. The shocker heard across the pond was the upset of the consensus #1 beer in the tournament, Chimay Blue, spilled and mopped up by Fuller's Vintage. The 'Gang's all here and upstate New York was ecstatic as two Ommegang offerings advanced (Hennepin, Abbey Ale) . Chimay's lighter, faster brother Red, filled out the Pour. Eventually the #2 seeds prevailed, as Chimay Red's Trappist defense and FVA proved too strong for Cooperstown representatives.

CHAMPIONSHIP. In the end, the Vintage brew crew couldn't run with the Red, as Chimay won handily to down their Premiere title. The Abbey is not too shabby, and they will be partying in the Abbaye Notre Dame de Scourmont in Belgium tonight!

(Do monks party?)

BLOGARBAGE: BOTH ARMS WELCOME

This is a collection of garbage (or as my 2 year old nephew calls it, "garboop") that doesn't really belong in its own post, but also doesn't belong in my head. It's BLOGARBAGE!

Because of my illustrious job, I get generic drug prescriptions for free (the one and only perk). However, this time around I got an antibiotic from Watson, probably made by disgruntled employees at the Carmel, NY plant (where I used to work). As Rob said, hopefully these were made before the plant closing announcement and employees found out their jobs are being outsourced to India. That doesn't change the fact that I feel like my innards were scrubbed clean with a wire brush.

I think that in order to be an authentic Def Leppard tribute band, you should be required to have a one-armed drummer. However, this is not a sticking point forDef Repplica according to their want ad: Required to wear detailed costume/accessories to visually simulate Rick Allen as close as possible, both arms welcome."

I understand having 40 coffee places in the mall: you want everyone to be well caffeinated (is there second-hand caffeination?) while they're shopping. But do we really need 3 soft pretzel vendors? The Palisades Mall has Auntie Anne's, Pretzel Time and Wetzel's Pretzels, for some unknown reason. Auntie Anne's is by far the best one, probably because each bite contains a pound of rich creamery butter. The other two can close down and make way for more cell phone vendors, which we also don't need.

Despite what Bud Light's commercials tell me, I am NEVER typing in "dudemadness" into my browser. One spelling error will direct you to gay porn. Actually, that might not be worse than Bud Light (according to unnamed sources).

The detestable word "bling" was used in the headline of an article about Sarkozy in the Wall Street Journal. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the word is officially dead. Oh, and the WSJ, now owned by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp, is also dead to me.

Something I found out about China: the men prefer the women to have flat asses, and even have surgical procedures to reduce their ass size. Good to know they're just as fucked up as we are.

Google GMail chat calls their little animated smiley faces "emotisprites". I didn't think I could hate a word more than that.

I used to defend the state commonwealth of Massachusetts by saying, "Eh, it's not bad. Cape Cod's pretty, and Boston's a nice town . . ." and then I ran out of steam. But after sitting in traffic on the Mass Pike at 10 PM on a Sunday night, I had an epiphany: I have no fucking use for Massachusetts. What have they ever given us? The Kennedys? Big fucking deal. Everything they provide, some other nearby state does better. Restaurants? New York. Taxes? New Hampshire. Beaches? Maine. Skiing? Vermont. Historical landmarks? Philadelphia. Sports radio? Anywhere. Boston is run by a marble mouthed moron, the Big Dig project was a giant disaster plagued by cost overruns, accidents and corruption, the average ticket price for a ballame at Fenway costs over $50, and after you drive past Worcester it's a complete wasteland. And Mass drivers are the worst, as they combine the erratic style of New York drivers and the reckless speed of New Jersey drivers. Seriously, screw the Bay State and all the Massholes in it. (You know who you are; if you laughed at this, you're not a Masshole.)

I just heard someone say that their family traditionally eats rabbit on Easter Sunday. Really? I'm going to guess that the same family doesn't allow their kids to believe in the Easter bunny, otherwise they'd be scarred for life. "Remember when I said the Easter bunny delivered all that candy? Well, as he was trying to hop out of the house, I shot him dead, skinned him and threw him in the oven. Man, he sure looks tasty! EAT UP, KIDS!"

On that note allow me to leave you with a commercial, because I have nothing else to add. It's a classic M&M's commercial from the 80s.



Thanks Easter Bunny! Bock bock!

PITCHFORK VS. SABRE: ANSWERED

Since there were some doubts, I figured I would put them to rest: Any Tiger that lives through winter in Western New York kicks the shit out of the Prince of Darkness, every day of the week. Especially when said Tiger has two sabers. Sorry Devils fans, but you've no longer a mascot; the inflammatory statements of one of your own convinced Sabretooth to kick some ass.

While "fun" is subjective, the protestation that the "this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations" rings false when the statistics (which never lie) prove that they are scoring at a level unparalleled since 2001/2002. The Devils are averaging (through today) 2.51 goals-per-game. The last time they scored less than 2.6 GPG? 2001-2002 (2.50 gpg). Those halcyon days of exciting, high-scoring hockey in the League that Gary Ruined. The Sabres are averaging 3.13 GPG (which, I wholly admit means about 1/4 of their games were 6 goal nights, half were 3 goal nights and 1/4 they were shutout). And there's the crutch of it. The Sabres are like one of our lovely "Don't You Hate Pants" stars. Wait, it's actually worse: the Sabres are like having an alcoholic stripper girlfriend and the Devils are like being married to a wholesome Nebraska girl. There's no problem with Nebraska. She's undoubtedly cute, but not groin-grabbingly hot. You know that she'll be around come May (and next the May and next the May, ad infinitum). You know that she'll take care of you and she'll feed you and you'll live out your days in comfort.

The Sabres: Well you never know when you get home from work if she's going to be sitting naked on the kitchen floor with her legs spread or if she's going to launch an empty bottle of Jameson at your head. She'll give you the best night of your life, but two days later you'll catch her with your best friend (and his coworker, Bruce). You can't plan two days ahead and you sure as fuck have no idea if she'll be around in May (probably not, but who can tell?). When its good, holy shit it's good, then one night Miller comes out an "look[s] like a shell-shocked turtle without protection"[deadspin] and they give up 5 unexplained in the final 6 minutes. Yet, despite yourself, you have no control over the fact that you're absolutely drawn to this complete lack of stability. The downs suck ass, but you never know when they'll just explode and take you into the bathroom at Tim Horton's for a little afternoon delight.

Are the Devils "boring?" No, not really. The league has changed in the past few years and the Devils can't play the trap like they used to, but they still rely heavily on Marty to keep them in all games so their offense can put up less-than-average numbers and they'll still be there for the second and third rounds. I don't dislike the Devils and I guess being married to a traditional farm-girl is nice, in a secure kinda way.

WRIST SHOTS: PITCHFORK VS. SABRE

Kris greeted me with this little beauty in my email this morning:

"after all my optimism for the f--king Sabres they go and do f--k all. screw that. i'm done. they'll not make it and I don't effing care. Let's go Ran-Gers!"

Two things about this irked me. One, it pegs Kris as a Buffalo bandwagon jumper, and two, it was constructed to get under my skin as I'm a Devils fan. (Three, the use of "f--king and "effing" in the same email--well, which one is it?) I pretended it bothered me by stating I will never ever root for his jerkass team again, and that his optimism doesn't help them win games. His best comeback was to call them "boring", a hack analysis endlessly regurgitated by every two-bit sports critic since they put a rink in the Swamp. This is as tired and clichéd a statement as "don't root for Buffalo teams as they will eventually choke on moose cock in the end".

Since I bleed red and black (I should get that checked by a physician) maybe it's relative and I'm a little biased. But with guys like Gionta, Madden, Parise, and Elias (when he's healthy), and Marty playing possibly having his best season ever (think about THAT), and Sutter employing a forechecking system that has nicely payed off, this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations. I'd certainly take them over an undisciplined, punchless team filled with Vaneks and Maxims who score hat tricks in an 8-4 loss while missing the playoffs. For the Devils (or anyone), I realize that the playoffs are all that matter, but I'm seriously worried about them. They've been handing out points to fellow Atlantic foes like free soup . . . at a place . . . where they give out free soup. Yeah, I suck at analogies, just like the Devils suck at scoring goals (0-3-1 over the last 4, with 3 goals scored). I want them to rest Marty down the stretch, and maybe even dust off Weekes play against the Rangers. REST HIM. NOW. LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

Kris (with his team sitting 5 points out with 6 to go, and his back clearly at the wall) went on to say, "At least we didn't get shutout last night". (I guess he was being facetious, referencing the Sabres 6-3 loss to the Sens in which they gave up 5 unexplained goals, including Miller's awesome 4 goals allowed in a 6 minute stretch.) But really, WTF does that matter? A (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss. Or is it? Yes it is. Unless they encorporate that into the scoring system, like the new improved Open Hockey Blog Awesome Scoring System (OHB-ASS)™:

Shutout loss = 0 points
Non-shutout loss = 1 point
Loss, but Ovechkin/Maximvanek/Malkincrosby/Okvagbakbfvkabprov gets a hat trick = 2 points
Win in shootout = 3 points
Win in regulation = 4 points
OT loss = -2 points
OT win = 7 points

I know what you're going to say, and yes, the 7 points is definitely very "MTV Rock n' Jock". But screw it, I think it's a winner!

So yes, the Devils got shutout last night 2-0 by the Sidsburgh Crosbys, but they also got completely jobbed by the refs. Mirroring a similar play in the Sabres/Rangers game a few weeks back, they waved off a Devils goal because of "goalie interference" midway through the 2nd. Check out the highlight reel starting at 1:08:



Watch as Betang (who lost his stick) grabs Asham around the waist, and pushes him into goalie MAF with his right hand (AND even pushes his own goalie down!) as the Devils score the tying goal. Marvel as you witness Betang make the "wave it off" motion, which I'm guessing he did because he knew he was guilty. And yes, the Penguins' commentators agree with me that it was complete horseshit (my words, not theirs). I love crap officiating as much as the next guy, but when it means the difference between "tied for the division lead" and "4 point cushion" and possible playoff seeding, it really boils my gnocchi.

As we look at the playoff picture, it appears that the Buffalo Sissies have taken a pass and will allow the shitacular Philthy team in, while Boston might get passed by the Evil Kapitals for #8. (Just think of the masturbatory sports reporting that will surround a first round 1/8 Crosby/Ovie matchup. Oh, the horror!) The Devils seem to have no jump right now and will probably end up in the dreaded 4/5 series. Can we start the playoffs now so Ottawa can eliminate them and I can get on with my life? (Okay, maybe that's a bit much. They'll lose in the second round of the le playoffs de Coupe Stanley ala Antoine.)

I didn't know that Armée Sens (is that like KISS ARMY?) used the slogan "EMISSION". That army sounds faaaaaabulous! (Sorry, it's EN MISSION. My mistake.)

In conclusion and in support for lazy wrap-up phrases, I root for the Devils because they're not filled with sissy Europeans or crazy Russians, they're lousy with Amuricans. Actually, maybe that's their problem. Meh. Call me when the playoffs start, until then I'm going to be watching NCAA basketball (at least until Villanova's final game, which might come sooner than you think).

Karl pointed this out to me: Devils LW Jay Pandolfo played in his 700th game last night. That's pretty astonishing. He's one of those players that doesn't stand out, but is completely solid and fits like a glove into the Devils' system. You can't imagine any other team picking him up because he doesn't have "numbers", but he's a team guy, which is perfect for a team that doesn't care about individual achievement. Yeah, that's the most exciting Devils news I have, because they're so booooooring. Or as I like to call it: they get the job done.

When I'm choosing weapons, I'll take the pitchfork over the sabre every time.

BLOODHOUND GANG "RALPH WIGGUM"

Thanks to Rob for directing me to this. It's the Bloodhound Gang, previously known for their "Fire Water Burn" and "The Bad Touch".



Bloodhound Gang "Ralph Wiggum" [YouTube]
Ralph Wiggum Soundboard