BLOGNOSTICATIONS: THE YEAR IN REVIEW

2006 was another year. That's all I can say, it wasn't bad or good, it was just THERE. I didn't work this week and didn't do a thing, and even those at work were probably just idling AND waiting for the year to end. So let's just turn the damn calendar over already. Maybe I'll slap together a Top Ten things in 2006 that didn't piss me off year-in-review crap list for the Eye=Opener, eventually. Until then, this is all I've got. Enjoy.

NOTES FROM CAPITALONE BOWL WEEK. Once again, there were some fun games to watch. Here are my notes:

Hawai'i Bowl. Strangely enough this game was played in Hawaii, and featured Hawaii vs. someone. That someone was AZ state, and QB Colt Brennan (great name!) lit him up for a record 558 yards and 5 TDs in a 41-24 win.

Because they couldn't come to an agreement with the stadium vendors, there was no pizza served at the Papa John's Bowl. What a retarded country we live in.

Emerald Nut Bowl. There were 3 Emerald Nut sacks in the game.

Meineke "George Foreman Has Himself And A Family To Feed" Car Care Bowl. You always have to root for the service academies in these bowl games, so it was a heartbreaker to see Navy fumble this game away, allowing BC to kick a game-winning FG as time expired. Ugh.

Sun Bowl. The Oregon State coach displayed the biggest set of balls by going for 2 with time running out to win 39-38. I think their D was out of gas anyway, so it was a good choice.

Insight Bowl. Featuring the biggest bowl game comeback ever, the Texas Tech Red Raiders, down 4 TDs at the half and 38-7 with 7:47 in the 3rd, came storming back to win 44-41 in OT. That was fun to watch.

Texas Bowl. And of course, the mighty Scarlet Knights of Rutgers dominated K-State to win their first bowl game 37-10. Way to go, RU!

THE YEAR IN BLOGNOSTICATIONS. I went 6/8 in the NHL playoffs, didn't guess a single golf major correctly, got nearly every MLB postseason guess wrong, and nailed Pat Quinn's firing within 24 hours. A mixed bag to say the least.

As for the National Fucktard Football League, I said McNabb would get hurt in Week 10 (right on!), Sweet Shaun Alexander would get hit with the Madden Curse (he did). Of course, I also thought the Jets would win 3 (they won 10!), and that Detroit would be improved (they lost 13, vs. "only" 11 last year). I also (not) famously said the Giants would go 8-8 and miss the playoffs . . . which contradicted this earlier post, where I said they'd go 9-7 and make the playoffs. Huh? Whatever, they still suck. And Tiki singlehandedly carried them in Week 17, and they made it in despite the "efforts" of Eli and the coaching staff. (Why can't Tiki stay and the REST of the team retire?) Overall, I had no idea how much the NFC was going to blow. Regardless, I got 8/12 playoff teams correct, so there.

FINAL NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Pittsburgh (+6) will beat Cincinnati. I had faith in Ocho Cinco, but the Bungles stinko, and so does my lousy Bears/Bengals Big Game #41 prediction. (I think San Diego is scary good, which means they won't win.)

That's it. I'm tired from doing nothing.

HAPPY 2007 EVERYONE!

A PATRICK SWAYZE CHRISTMAS

SHREDDING FOR XMAS

I work with someone named Yuling He. Of course, this means her (that's right: He's a she!) Windows username is "hey". You can't write comedy like that. I'm so glad today is my LAST DAY OF WORK FOR 2006. Ugh.

I sorta missed the beginning of CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK, as the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was on Tuesday night (by all reports). I know tonight features Oregon and their new Nike "mood helmets", but it doesn't really get started for me until they bust out the Emerald Nut. If the QB gets tackled behind the line by either defense, do they call it an "Emerald Nut sack"?

I just found out that Sears has Golden Tee (the full stand-up version) on sale for $3300! Had I known that, I would have bought a Corolla AND Golden Tee for the same price as my RAV-4. (I named her RAVEN BLUE. Actually, I shouldn't have typed that, you might think I'm weird. Never mind.)

The highlight of the week had to be the bizarre and hilarious Colbert Report last night, featuring "STEVEN COLBERT'S ROCK AND AWE: COUNTDOWN TO GUITARMEGEDDON", a "shred-off" featuring the leader of the 80s band "Stephen and the Colberts" vs. The Decemberists guitarist, Chris Funk. I don't know what the writers are drinking, but it was fantastic and LLOL funny.

I'm leaving for 4/5 glorious days in Maine tomorrow night, so see you on the other side.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY MUSIC DUMP TOP 20 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS!)

FILLED WITH HOT AIR

I am in serious need of a new computer desk. Ever since the Great Basement Apartment Flood Of 2005, I've been making do with some sort of end table (it's amazing how long I'll put up with shit, like my entire lab career). I've been looking around for a real honest-to-goodness wooden desk with a surface big enough to play shuffleboard on, but I'll probably end up with something from IKEA's "Sweden Was Just Going To Burn It Anyway" Collection. As it stands, I hate blogging here at home because it gives me a backache, so I only end up doing it at work (again, fuck you, lab!). So here's my lame ass blog for the day.

God bless MSG Network! I didn't even know they had programming other than hockey and basketball games, and as witnessed last night, they don't. Apparently, they turn into the Hot Air Balloon Network after hours. Who knew? Maybe it was the alcohol I was consuming, but I swear that after the Rangers game debacle ended they devoted the rest of the night to hot air ballooning. Is this now considered a sport? Are they boldly trying to set the next new trend to unseat poker? All I know is if I drank anymore Woodford Reserve I probably would have woke up thinking, "How did I get home last night? A hot air balloon?" Or even worse: I would have been strong armed into buying a hot air balloon by the paid programming scam that is the Hot Air Balloon Network. God, I've said "hot air balloon" so many times the term has lost all meaning. Anyway, god bless the HAB Network! (Oh, they also have Summer Sanders, so that's okay with me.)

Captain Morgan was in Bourbon Street last night. That's right: THE Captain himself. First of all, what is he a captain of? And who did he blow to even get promoted higher than lieutenant? If you ask me, Captain Kangaroo did more in service to this country (kids TV), and should have at least been made an admiral. What a joke. Seriously, how much would they have to pay you to dress up in a fucking pirate costume complete with a massive fake beard and push crappy spiced rum on bar patrons? Whatever it is, they couldn't afford me. Hey, I have an idea: why don't they have a guy from Brooklyn go bar-to-bar promoting Brooklyn Lager, flanked by skanky baseball bat wielding "Brooklyn Girls" who force you to drink their product or else they'll break your kneecaps? Just a thought.

Just a quick note about Bourbon Street in Nyack. In the last month alone, we've managed to: persuade them to play XM Lucy on the radio, keep Cutty Sark in stock for Rob, and convince them to show every available hockey game (at one point, 5 of the 8 available TVs had hockey on). Yeah, they know who butters their sourdough po' boy bread. All we have to do is get them an HD box and we might never leave.

Man, I'm babbling. Let's get to the UPSET SPECIAL.

After having to sit through one of the most miserably played NFL games in recent memory (thanks NFL Network!), I realized that 90% of the matchups this week are sucktacular. (Tampa @ Chicago? Cleveland @ Baltimore? Ugh.) As for the UPSET SPECIAL for the week known as #15, I couldn't even come up with a matchup that was the least bit interesting. So this is what I came up with: after the Jag-gernauts' stunning ho-slapping of the Colts last week, they will come down to Earth and be upset by the Tennessee Vinceyoungs (+3.5).

One last thing: word is that the NFL's Sunday Ticket anti-trust agreement with DirecTV will be broken up by Congress, making it available to any cable/satellite/fiberoptic service provider (a package that anyone in Canada can get--yeah, that's officially screwed up). But the longterm plan for the NFL is that once their deals with the networks and ESPN expire, that they're keen on broadcasting all the games themselves. That combined with some uninspiring teams and matchups will be the death of this league (like the NBA and their eroding viewer base). Oh, and NFLN, stop fucking with the NCAA bowl games, most notably the Rutgers appearance in the Texas Bowl, which most of the country will NOT get to see because of the pissing contests that these networks and cable companies get into. Hey NFLN, you've already proven you're completly incapable of showing your own NFL games, don't screw with the NCAA! Especially during CapitalOne® Bowl Week. Dicks.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLOG

Here's one of those moments where I have nothing at all to say. People blog all the time, every day, several times a day, and I can't figure out how they do it. They must all be getting paid to post such timely witticisms, because I just can't hack it. All I want to say is my UPSET SPECIAL, the New Orleans Saints (+6.5), got it done on Sunday night. Yeah, I know I didn't get a chance to post it, but this is my blog and that was my choice: check my Week 14 pick 'em sheet if you don't believe me. I'm surprisingly high up on the Deadspin Pants Party leaderboard (tied for 51st out of 2512 people).

Anyway, thanks again to Cablefuckingvision for not showing the Sabres/Devils game in HD last night (instead we got to see the Rangers play the last place Flyers); I couldn't even watch it because the picture on OLN Versus The Rodeo Channel looks like crap. The Devils dominated the 1st but didn't score; the Sabres took over after that, and held on for a 3-2 win. THIS JUST IN: THE SABRES ARE GOOD (ALTHOUGH THEY'RE NO DUCKS). On the other hand, although Monday night's entertaining Caps/Pens game (in HD) was billed as "Ovechkin vs. Crosby I", the spotlight was stolen by Malkin's sweet head fake to beat Kolzig during the shootout. If the Pens had a good goalie, they'd be in first place. Regardless, it would be great if the Islanders, Devils, Rangers and Penguins were all in the hunt for the Atlantic Division crown.

It's funny, because as soon as me and my parents each got our respective HDTVs, we've discover that there's NOTHING TO WATCH (and my parents will watch almost anything). For some reason, multiple shows have chosen to have "fall finales" (Lost, Heroes, neither of which I'm interested in following anymore), and others end in midseason (like TARX). I turn the TV on primarily to watch a sporting event in HD, and maybe catch The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Simpsons, or something on the Discovery Science Channel, and that's it.

So I'm not sure why I didn't just go to bed after watching another humorous Colbert Report, because shortly thereafter I stumbled upon Howard Stern on Letterman. I have to say that I wasn't amused or repulsed by his appearance; he's now in that "meh" category to me. Afterwards, I sat in disbelief while Gwen Stefani yodeled through her new craptacular song. And no, I'm not making a joke here: she fucking yodels. If this is what passes for "pop music" nowadays, that's the way it goes (the 70s disco years were no better), but I never thought I'd long for the "No Doubt years". Regardless, I can never get that 3 minutes back; I think just watching and listening to that song made me dumber.

(BTW, I'm not interested in The Amazing Race: All-Stars Edition, coming in February. I like to see new teams of 2 try to win the million bucks, not a bunch of reality show whores like Rob and Ambuh. Screw TARASE!)

Dwyane Wade is the SI Sportsman Sportsperson of the Year. First of all, from now on I'm going to call him "D.W. YANE", just like it's spelled. And second of all, who even cares about SI? When was the last time they were relevent anyway? I guarantee a "focus group" convened and determined, "If we choose an NBA star for the cover, more people might buy the magazine, and those who don't will be pissed off by the choice, yet still mention SI." Great. Let's not actually choose who we think should WIN, we'll let a marketing firm decide it for us. What crap. Anyway, my vote was for Tiger Woods, because his win and emotional breakdown after the Open showed that not only is he still the best golfer, but that he's also human. I would have chosen Roger Federer, but no one watches tennis and my guess is that he's a cyborg.

(Okay, maybe I had a few things to say, although none of them were interesting.)

GROW HOOF GROW!!!

In case you haven't visited this truly amazing/scary site yet, it's the Barbaro Message Board. Never mind the inherent absurdity of the concept, it will make your head hurt. Here it is, straight from the horse's mouth--uhm, message board:

Hey Barbaro, how are you doing today? WE continue to pray for you and I have your X-ray as my background on my computer. Amazing what you're recovering from.
karl, 36; green pond, NJ, USA
posted on 2006-12-06 14:10:24

AWESOME! GROW HOOF GROW!!!

Because of all the fantabulous holiday excitement around here, I totally forgot that the Marlins' Dontrelle Willis is getting married this weekend! There are still some things left on his Crate & Barrel wedding registry. I was going to get him the Rattan Tapered Bread Basket but someone already beat me to it. Dammit! By the way, you do NOT want to get hit with a Dontrelle fastball right in the Rattan Tapered Bread Basket. Not fun.

Next year, I need to create an Advent calendar for CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK, where behind every door is another fabulous bowl game and a gift! For instance on day one, behind the first door is "San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia San Diego, CA on Dec. 19, 8 p.m., featuring the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University versus the Huskies of Northern Illinois"--and you actually get a poinsettia plant as a gift! A week later you reveal, "The Emerald Nut Bowl in San Francisco, CA on Dec. 27 at 8 p.m., which pits the Florida State Seminoles versus the UCLA Bruins", and naturally, you get a free bowl of nuts! How great would that be? And the gifts keep on coming: the Alamo Bowl gets you a free class upgrade on any weekend rental! The AT&T Cotton Bowl gets you a 100% cotton AT&T T-shirt! For the Insight Bowl you get a, uhm, what the hell is Insight again? Joy to the world, for CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK is coming!

Wish me luck on my first long trip in the new Toyota RAVenous4 2007 Edition, as I will be away for a 3 day tour of coastal New England (which of course rules out Vermont). Oh, and screw Rhode Island, The "Whoops I'm Lost, Which Way To Cape Cod" State. They're not even officially a "state", they're more like a island nation/colony whose economy thrives on insanely overpriced speeding tickets. That's right, they frown upon tourists, especially those who drive. Stay tuned for my amazing review of XM satellite radio!

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Here's an argument against buying a Nintendo Wii (thanks to Wiihaveaproblem.com). Not only could you accidentally destroy your expensive TV (I don't think a Glavine fastball could even do that), but you could look like this crazy girl playing a boxing game:



"Where's the 'STOP' button?" That's exactly what I was thinking, except it was: "Where is HER stop button?" I don't think I'd buy any "next gen" gaming system that makes you look like a complete dicktard. Can't wait to see the first "Wii nunchucks" video.

BCS: A STEAMING PILE OF MONKEY RHINO SHIT

It was a crazy week in college football that saw USC lose to unranked UCLA, Florida managing to outscore Arkansas, Michigan dropping a spot in the rankings even though they didn't play, and Rutgers losing to WVU in triple OT. But the insanity has only begun since last night they announced the BCS bowl game matchups (why they need a half hour show to do this is beyond me).

As great and as enjoyable as the NCAA college basketball tournament is every year, that's how screwed up this NCAA BCS college football bowl nonsense is. Seriously, there isn't one matchup in the BCS bowl games that's exciting, and none of them will truly determine a true "champion" that everyone will agree on. Why can't they fix this once and for all? It's maddening.

This whole process is so screwed up that a former coach named Jim Walden has been the target of ridicule because he gave Florida a #1 vote in the Harris Poll (the only voter to do so, everyone else chose the only undefeated team, Ohio State), contributing to Michigan being shut out of the championship game. (Meh, they had their chance, and already lost to Ohio State, so I have no problem with them giving Florida a shot.) No, it's not solely his fauly; the NCAA deserves it for having this as part of their championship selection system.

But pissed college football fans sure are taking it out on him in an unusual way: check out Walden's Wikipedia entry. Today it's been in a constant state of flux, as it's being constantly "vandalized" to the point where it changes seemly every time you refresh the screen. For example, around noon today someone put a fake quote from the New York Times where he's reported saying, "Florida truly is the #1 team in the country . . . ha ha . . . I thought I could say that without laughing. Guess I couldn't."

Here are some of the other fun "revisions":

(1:00 PM): "Mr. Walden was a Harris Poll monkey rhino for the 2006 NCAA Division I-A football season."

(I don't even know what a "monkey rhino" is, but that's funny.)

(3:10 PM) "Apologist Florida fans, however, argued that the controversy is somewhat unwarranted, as four other voters placed Michigan in a place other than 2nd or 3rd, and two other voters placed Florida in 5th. As such, the difference between controversial votes is only one point in favor of Florida, a negligible difference when the overall vote was separated by 38 points. But again, Mr. Walden's unexpected voting behavior did suggest a biased and maniac personality that is grossly unsuitable for any position that requires either impartial judgment or above-average intelligence."

That didn't even last 10 minutes. It's been replaced with the simple phrase: "What an idiot".

Further evidence that the BCS is a steaming pile of monkey rhino shit.

NEW YORK GIANTS FOOTBALL SQUADRON ELECTRONIC NEWS BULLETIN

The New York Giants Football Squadron, affiliated with the National Football Conference, have fallen on hard times in recent days. Sunday's most recent contest on their home pitch in New Jersey against a collection of Cowboys from Dallas, Texas proved to be less than favorable, leaving them with an equal number of failures as successes after a dozen matches. I have but a few suggestions about how this group of strapping, talented young lads can reverse their fortune in their future athletic endeavors.

First and foremost, it appears that fellow Eli Manning needs to work on his mastery of the "forward pass". At his position of "quarter back", he needs to be more scrupulous whilst hurling the pigskin towards his available teammamtes downfield. Additionally, the brash toeheaded "tight end", who answers to the name of "Shockey" and whose blonde locks can scarsely be contained by his leather helmet, should be instructed more often to receive said ball advancements to assist the squadron. Furthermore, progress may also be achieved by "forward running", and the strong "half back" with the moniker "Tiki" should be called upon increasingly to undertake this necessary duty. Perhaps implementing the ol' hook-and-lateral, and possibly the Statue of Liberty play, may help them to better advance into the enemy's field. In using the aforementioned stratagems, perhaps they shall increase their number of "touching downs", and thus their chances of emerging victorious.

Yes, those NY Giants sure are a tough lot! Wish them luck as they fight onward towards capturing the ever-elusive National Football Conference crown. All hail the boys from East Rutherford!

(I'm so sick of hearing about/talking about these punks, I thought I'd fashion an old school article instead. This is the last you'll hear about them here. Trust me.)

FOOTBALL NOTES: DUCK FALLAS!

The New York Giants are a disgusting mess of a football team. I think we pretty much knew this before the season started, but now it's finally come to a head and is out there on display for everyone to see. Losing last week's game to the Titans after blowing a 21 point lead in the final 10 minutes, something only done twice before in the regular season, was just the shitty icing on top of a rotten cake. I didn't see this game first hand, though; I've developed an aversion to their horrible ineptitude, and decided instead to go food shopping. It's not something I normally enjoy, but I think I made the right choice.

But it seems that people no longer talk about football anymore, only the associated garbage that surrounds it. Every day another stupid quote comes out of a Giants player's ego-tastic mouth, and every day they print it/replay it/discuss it, ad nauseum. So you're saying that an ATHLETE said something STUPID? What are the odds? And this is NEWS? I'll say it again: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! Seriously, do you think the players are actually fired up by anything the newspaper prints, or sports talk media blathers on about? These guys are PROFESSIONALS, not junior high schoolers, THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THIS SHIT. Half of these guys JOKE AROUND and HUG each other after the game. It's all for entertainment, it's all for show, and it's all a waste of time, especially since all they come off as are arrogant bullies that can't back it up on the field.

Speaking of, as has been true since the dawn of time, the only thing that matters is what happens on the field. In that aspect General Coughlin NO LONGER HAS THE RESPECT OF HIS OWN PLAYERS, and hopefully soon he will be shown the door. Let's face it: GM Ernie Accorsi's little experiment didn't work, and once he fires the coach and he himself resigns, only then can this team regroup and hope to rebuild. (Of course, we'll still be stuck with Eli, but that's a different story.) When I said this team would finish 8-8 and miss the playoffs, it turns out that that's probably the BEST they can do now. But although they've suffered key injuries, they're also doing little but bicker amongst themselves while they piss away the NFC East (which looked like Philly's until McNabb's season ending injury) to the Dallas Cowboys.

Ah, the Cowboys: how do I hate them? Let me count the ways, just off the top of my head: Bill Parcells, Michael Irvin's racist comments, T.O.'s fake suicide, Emmitt's big gay dance-a-thon, sportswriters going homo for Romo--and that's just in the past 2 months. Well, get used to them because they're going to be on TV every week from now until the end of the season! Yeeeeee hawwwww! Here's the remaining schedule:

Sunday 12/3 (@ GIANTS, 4:15 PM), Sunday Night 12/10 (vs. NO, 8:15 PM), Saturday 12/16 (@ ATL, 8 PM), even on freaking Christmas night (vs. PHI 5 PM). The only reprieve will be if the Raiders/Jets game successfully blocks FOX from showing their 1 PM game @ DET on New Years Eve . . . but NBC will probably pick that as their Sunday Night flex game, just to screw with my head.

So during this season of peace on earth and goodwill towards men, let me take a moment to say: DUCK FALLAS!

NFL UPSET SPECIAL: I would love to pick Tennessee beating the Colts, as revenge for that DirecTV commercial where Peyton "Laser Rocket Arm" Manning essentially says, "I'm blowing out these losers, so why don't you change the channel and watch my brother Eli, oh excuse me I'm going to throw another TD against these punks!" But I think that will actually happen on Sunday. So here you are: Seattle (+4) over DENVER (two teams who are also on in prime time way too often).

THINGS I LIKE: BEER CHEDDAR CHEESE

It's Cabot Harpoon IPA Beer Cheddar Cheese! What more do I have to say? Creamy, hoppy, tasty: it's BEER and CHEESE together at last! IT'S BEER CHEESE! Milk, cheese cultures, salt, beer, enzymes! What more could you possibly ask for? This is right up there with anything you could find in any cheese shop.

"I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!"



"Let's keep it simple: how about Cheddar?"
"Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts, sir."
"Not much call--it's the single most popular cheese in the world!"

Monty Python's Flying Circus - Cheese Shop (transcript)

IT'S A BRAND NEW CAR!

Here's a picture of my brand spanking new 2007 Toyota RAV4 V6, which I just picked up on Friday.



It's got plenty of room inside, rides smooth, and has amazing pickup. I haven't taken it on a long trip yet, but so far I love it and I'm happy that I finally pulled the trigger and bought it.

(Of course, the actual purchasing process was thoroughly annoying: you can read about the whole ordeal on the Eye-Opener blog.)

WRIST SHOTS: FAILING THE WEST TEST

"Wrist Shots" was supposed to be reserved for my latest hockey notes, but I think I broke my own rule when I lumped together all sorts of miscellany into the last entry. I didn't watch a lot of hockey over the Turkey Break (it was mostly football, from Thursday to Saturday) so I'm just catching up now . . .

The Devils just completed the worst road trip in recent history: 0-3-1, 1 point. Last night's loss in the shootout to the L.A. Kings hurt the most, because this is a team they used to be able to beat in their sleep (though they have the top rookie, Anze Kopitar, who has 23 points). Once in a first place tie with the Rangers and Islanders (welcome back to the top of the standings, Fish Sticks!), they've slipped to 3rd because while Marty's been decent, the offense has been lacking (they've only scored more than 3 goals in 1 of the last 20 games--what's new?). Watching them play the Ducks, I realized that one of the players that they must miss the most is Scott Niedermeyer. He's a top notch defenseman who used to torch everyone during the 'fastest skater' contest during the All-Star Skills Competition. I also wonder why the Ducks named their rink the Honda Center, when Honda Pond has a much better ring to it--they should have consulted me. Oh, and if L.A. can get 16K to show up for hockey, I think they can support an NFL team, don'cha think?

I watched most of Sunday night's Sabres/Rangers game (inbetween segments of TARX). It was a well-played game, less than stellar officiating. Classic interference/pick play off the final faceoff in OT -- Pomenville held Shanahan so Drury could rush the net and deflect in the winner, for a 3-2 final. Funny how that's not in the AP article anywhere. I haven't been watching the Sabres closely enough, maybe THAT'S how they've been winning all those games. The skating in the Stars @ Wings game last night looked much slower in comparison; that's why Detroit lost in the first round last year, and probably won't take home the Cup this year either.

The Penguins came back down to earth (now in 4th place), as Malkin failed to score a goal in EVERY GAME (for shame) and Marc-Andre Fleury started to show his inexperience. The jury is out on their goaltending, but I like the rest of the team's chances to make the playoffs.

Ken Hitchcock has gone from the last place in the East Flyers (17 points) to the last place in the West Bluejackets. Good luck with that.

Since this is officially "driving season" for me, I have decided to sign up for XM Radio, and should be getting my Delphi RoadyXT soon. Once I get it set up I'm looking forward to listening to the great music channels (especially LUCY), some comedy, PGA and actual hockey sports radio (which doesn't exist in the NY/NJ/CT area, despite all the Cups the Devils have acquired). The website describes their 24/7 hockey talk station like this:

Hockey This Morning with Scott Laughlin and Cam Stewart (Weekdays - 6-9 AM ET): Tune in to Home Ice - XM 204-209 on the morning after the night before for post-game analysis.

Kris pointed out: "'The morning after the night before'--doesn't by definition the 'morning' fall after the 'previous night'?" That's exactly what I was thinking when I read that sentence, which makes me feel like I'm stuck on a Möbius strip. Hopefully, the actual radio station will be more intelligible, even if it's hopelessly Canadian. Question: can I tune in the evening before the morning after the night before for pre-game coverage? And does Canada call Plan B "the morning after the night before pill"?

Rob V. from Nyack asked: "The hockey season starts in October and ends in March, that's 180 days to play 80 games. Why are there so many back to back games on the schedule this year?" I have no idea why that is. For instance: the Devils play on Friday/Saturday back-to-back games 4 times in December (and a Saturday/Sunday in the middle week), yet both games are never at home. There's no Olympic break this year, so that's not the reason they're cramming them in. I should consult a hockey expert about this to find out.

I'll leave it with this YouGoogle (GooTube?) video of Colin White hitting Sean Avery.

COUNTDOWN TO CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK

It's hard to believe there are only 23 more days until CapitalOne® Bowl Week. Every year, it seems like CapitalOne® Bowl Week starts earlier and earlier! The CapitalOne® Bowl Week commercials have been running since Halloween, CapitalOne® Bowl Week songs have been on the radio all week, and everyone's put up their CapitalOne® Bowl Week decorations before Thanksgiving! People complain every year about the commercialization of CapitalOne® Bowl Week, but if you think about it without it there wouldn't BE a CapitalOne® Bowl Week! I've always found that it helps to just keep in mind the true meaning of CapitalOne® Bowl Week, and then no one can take CapitalOne® Bowl Week away from you. Which reminds me: I should start sending out my CapitalOne® Bowl Week cards!

Some companies (like Rob's) shut down for CapitalOne® Bowl Week, but unfortunately I have to take a few vacation days in order to fully appreciate CapitalOne® Bowl Week. But I feel I need that extra time, as there are all those CapitalOne® Bowl Week presents to wrap, and CapitalOne® Bowl Week cookies to bake! They're saying that there will be more traffic this CapitalOne® Bowl Week than ever before, so be careful out there. CapitalOne® Bowl Week can be a stressful time for everyone, so most of all take some time to sit down and relax during CapitalOne® Bowl Week.

I wish you and your families a very happy CapitalOne® Bowl Week!

CapitalOne® Bowl Week Games

Bowl Game	Location	Date/Time(EST)	Station
Poinsettia	San Diego, CA	Dec. 19, 8 p.m.	ESPN2 HD
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas	Las Vegas, NV	Dec. 21, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
New Orleans	New Orleans, LA	Dec. 22, 8 p.m.	ESPN2 HD
Birmingham	Birmingham, AL	Dec. 23, 1 p.m.	ESPN2 HD
New Mexico	Albuquerque, NM	Dec. 23, 4:30 p.m.	ESPN HD
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces	Fort Worth, TX	Dec. 23, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
Sheraton Hawaii	Honolulu, HI	Dec. 24, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
Motor City	Detroit , MI	Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m.	ESPN HD
Emerald Nut	San Francisco, CA	Dec. 27, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
PetroSun Independence	Shreveport, LA	Dec. 28, 4:30 p.m.	ESPN HD
Pacific Life Holiday	San Diego, CA	Dec. 28, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
Gaylord Hotels Music City	Nashville, TN	Dec. 29, 1 p.m.	ESPN HD
AutoZone Liberty	Memphis, TN	Dec. 29, 4:30 p.m.	ESPN HD
Champs Sports	Orlando, FL	Dec. 29, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
Meineke Car Care	Charlotte, NC	Dec. 30, 1 p.m.	ESPN HD
Alamo	San Antonio, TX	Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m.	ESPN HD
Chick-fil-A	Atlanta, GA>	Dec. 30, 8 p.m.	ESPN HD
MPC Computers	Boise, ID	Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m.	ESPN HD
Outback	Tampa, FL	Jan. 1, 11 a.m.	ESPN HD
CapitalOne	Orlando, FL	Jan. 1, 1 p.m.	ABC HD

WRIST SHOTS: DUCK HUNT

Bad news: some thugs tried to rob PS3 shoppers in line at a Wal-Mart in Putnam, CT and someone was shot. Good news: it was a Nintendo NES fake gun stolen from that "Duck Hunt" game.

Speaking of, look out Sabres, guess who has more wins and less losses than you? That's right, the no-longer-mighty Ducks, who are tied with the most points in the NHL with 38.

The Devils have had a horrible Western roadtrip (thankfully, they only do this once every THREE years now), going 0-3 and being outscored 9-3, despite Marty's solid play (save % of 0.91 and GAA of 2.36). The only offensive highlight of the whole trip was Brian Gionta scoring on a quick burst of speed between two Duck defensemen to beat Giguere, leaving the defensemen completely flat-footed. Actually, since their not technically "on foot", what would be the hockey equivalent of "flat footed"? "Flat skated"? "Dull bladed"?

Dissing Cristal, Jay-Z has chosen his new champagne: Armand de Brignac, the "gold bottle with the ace of spades" on it. Hey Kris, I need some of this for the holidays, you're in France, could you help a brutha out?

I borrowed a Japanese cough drop from a coworker the other day. It says it has eucalyptus and spinach in it. I don't know what to say about that. It's Halls Mentholspinach! Man, I have to get out of this company.

What kind of world are we living in when a comedian has to apologize for racist remarks he made while on stage? (Isn't that pretty much EVERY COMEDY ACT?) Oh, that's right, the Seinfeld Season 7 DVD is out, that's why. I envision a phone call from stately Seinfeld Manor: "Mike, take care of this mess. NOW." Man, this country is sensitive, even more so when money is involved.

I love this article (thanks Rob): 'BEER GOGGLES' EFFECT EXPLAINED. In true BBC style, they report on this without a hint of irony. These "scienticians" got government grant money for this?

As Rob was trying to explain the concept of a "Freudian slip" to a BS bartender, he said "Well, maybe it was more of a Jungian slip." My reply: "She's too Jung for you."

Listen up, snowboarders: yes, I know you're all extreme with your big air tricks and half-pipe tomfoolery. But why do you constantly feel the need to grind down the railing along the stairway leading to the lodge? Look behind you: there's a whole mountain covered with snow, deeply packed and freshly groomed, and you're using the stairs? It's a SNOW board, SNOW is even conveniently in the name to give you a hint as to what you should be using it on. Snowboarders: you are ON NOTICE.

From now on, Colts WR Marvin Harrison will be known as OCHO OCHO (or double ocho).

NFL UPSET SPECIAL: New Orleans (+3) over Atlanta. Fun fact: 74 year old K Morten Andersen is the all-time leading scorer for BOTH teams.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I want to wish everyone out there (all 3 people who read this) a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving. I know I whine and complain a lot on this here Interweblog, but I truly am thankful for everything that I've got, and especially for my family and friends. I'm also thankful that I have a four day weekend, during which I will be marinading in scotch.

The only thing I'm going to wax nostalgic about is the old Comedy Central "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Turkey Day Marathon" (1991-1997), which I watched every year religiously. I guess I have more than enough DVDs now to replicate it, but it's nothing beats just turning on the TV and having it automatically be on for 30 straight hours! I guess I could watch a few episodes and intersperse some of the MST3K Turkey Day Promos from 1991 (there are a whole bunch online):


"Ad lib response!" "Ad lib retort!" (Crow, Joel, and Tom Servo, 1991)


"Turkey Fact #12" (Crow, 1991)

Okay, they're not all hilarious but nonetheless they bring back memories. Thanks to YouTube for filling the void that I would otherwise fill with alcohol! Ah heck, I'd do that either way. At least we have Mike Nelson's Rifftrax (and don't miss this special SA interview). I might have to get the trax for "The Matrix" or "Road House" for the holidays.

Anyway, have a fantastic holiday (except for a select few in France who I merely wish a happy Thursday)!



Satellite News - Official MST3K Web Site
MST3K Volume 10 DVD [no longer in stores, but available through Amazon.com]
MST3K Rhino DVD site

FOOTBALL NOTES: SILLY SCARLET KAH-NIGGITS!

Well, that was fleeting. After being the darlings of college football for the past 8 days, the Silly Rutgers Scarlet KAH-NIGGITS got spanked by Cincinnati last night, ending their undefeated season and likely their BCS bowl hopes. But at least they've gained respect this season, which is saying a lot for RU football.

#1 OSU beat #2 Michigan 42-39 last night, which while an entertaining game was NOT a classic. ESPN would beg to differ, as they've already made it an Instant Classic (and like Instant Coffee, I'll skip it). But all told, the score is misleading as Ohio State was the much better team and were in control of this the whole way. Despite the turnovers, Michigan's defense was nonexistent. I hope they don't meet again in the BCS Bowl, because that would have made this game a mere exhibition. The scary thing about this: the Ohio State Lottery Pick 4 in the evening on Saturday: 4-2-3-9. Spooky.

What does "flea flicker" mean? Can anyone explain the origin of that term? It doesn't really make any sense. Also, has anyone explained the physics behind the "perfect" onside kick? You know, when the football, if kicked properly, bounces low the first two times, and then HIGH on the third bounce? There's GOT to be a good explanation for that.

AND NOW, #1 THREAT TO THE JETS TODAY . . . BEARS! They've been hyping this up around here, but I expect the Bears to win this easily. Hats off to the Amazing Mangini The Magnificent for a great job so far, as I expected them to be in the AFC East basement.

NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Cincinnati (+3.5) will beat New Orleans.

2006-07 NCAA BASKETBALL PREVIEW: A TALL GUY'S LAMENT

I was about six feet tall by the time was 12 (I'll check with my mom, but that sounds about right), so naturally I played a lot of basketball as a kid. My dad, being a physical education teacher and a coach for both high school football and baseball, probably thought I was a shoe-in to be good at some sport. Though I was a clumsy and slow catcher/first baseman back in my prepubescent youth athletic league days, I was a formidable force in basketball. Okay, that might be overstating it, but at least I was the tallest guy out there and could rack up rebounds and points just by accident. But for some reason, unlike everyone else puberty actually decreased my athletic prowess, and even though I was 6'4" and relatively in shape the rest of the kids blew right by me. Maybe they "wanted it more", maybe I could say I was "concentrating on my studies", but it was pretty pathetic. Tired of riding the pine for the basketball team (Coach Sherman, if you're out there, you're still an asshole) I quit and decided to play tennis my senior year. I proved unequivocally that I could suck at that sport too (I've since branched out to suck and hockey as well).

To this day, I get asked if I played basketball, and I'm embarrassed when I say that I'm horrible at it, can't remember the last time I played, and don't even own a basketball. I always wonder what might have happened if I didn't have a NEGATIVE vertical leap and could actually play. Tonight, my alma mater Villanova plays in the Paradise Jam basketball tournament in St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands . . . are you kidding me? Man, that would be great to play ball in the Caribbean. I always stayed up late to watch the Maui Invitiational every November, thinking how awesome those all-expenses paid trips would have been (well, provided I paid my tuition), if only I didn't stink at basketball and actually made the team. Oh well.

NCAA college basketball is back, but I can't get too excited about yet. I don't even know how you determine a preseason Top 25; after the first dozen or so you're pretty just making shit up or just picking schools because of reputation alone (Creighton?). I can't figure out if "upsets" like Vermont beating B.C. and Oral Roberts beating perennial bracket-killer Kansas are even a big deal because it's so early, and all of those teams have been in the NCAA tournament in recent years. But I've found more evidence that ESPN hates sports fans: they've already got a tournament bracket(ology) on their website. Are you joking? Whew, that's a relief that Villanova got a #7 seed, I wasn't sure they'd get in! Plus, Dan Shanoff has chosen his Final Four and Champion already. Ugh. Slow down, idiots, we've got a long way to go. At least wait until March to make your horribly incorrect picks.

(I know, that wasn't really a preview of anything. I'll check back in January.)

THINGS I LIKE: BOLTHOUSE FARMS PERFECTLY PROTEIN MOCHA CAPPUCCINO

There are a plethora of drinks out there, and plenty of them claim to be healthy. But Bolthouse Farms actually backs it up with their all-natural beverages, my favorite being their Perfectly Protein Mocha Cappuccino (despite the weird adverb usage). From their site:

Our Perfectly Protein Mocha Cappuccino is a smooth blend of 100% Arabica coffee, premium cocoa and pure Madagascar vanilla extract. We carefully selected Arabica coffee beans for their distinctive, full-bodied character and delicate caramel aftertaste. For a rich and creamy consistency, low-fat milk and whey protein are gently combined to complete this delicious blend. Perfectly Protein Mocha Cappuccino is truly an experience any coffee connoisseur will appreciate. Only the best ingredients go into our beverages, and the same should go for your body.

Damn straight! (Who writes this shit?) Anyway, it has caffeine in it, as any self respecting coffee product should. But while most protein shakes taste like chalky mucus, this stuff is akin to a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino. However, the difference is in the nutritional information (yeah, some of us read that stuff).

Bolthouse (16 oz.):360 calories, 19 g of protein, 2.5 g fat, plus vitamin C, B6, B12
Starbucks (16 oz.): 320 calories, 10 g of protein, 5 g fat, no vitamins

Yes, they both have high amounts of sugar, but at least you're getting something in return (vitamins, and twice the calcium) when you drink the Bolthouse Farms product. Highly recommended. If only I knew what the hell a Bolthouse is.

CHECK OUT MY GEARTH

Here's something fun you can do with Google Earth, or as I call it "GEarth". You can link to any address by typing it into GMaps first, and adding "&output=kml" to the end of it and making it a link. For example, here's where Kris lives (approx): Bordeaux, France

And here's where I am, more or less.

Enjoy playing with your GEarth!

ENJOY A COLD GRAB BAG LIGHT!

Thanks to their astonishing comeback win vs. Louisville, and Saturday losses by Cal, Texas, and Auburn, the mighty RUTGERS SCARLET KNIGHTS are now #6 in the BCS, and #2 according to the "CPU", whatever that is (is that Intel Inside or AMD?). If they win out, and a lot of kooky stuff happens to the other top teams, it's maybe entirely possible that they could possibly play for the BCS National Championship on January 8. Let me read that sentence again. Yikes. It's certainly a bizarro world when "RU" is being mentioned in the same breath as "BCS championship". It makes the past 137 years seem like ancient history. Some "experts" even have them currently playing Notre Dame (*cough*OVERRATED*cough*) in the Sugar Bowl, how fun would that be? Whatever the outcome, it's shaping up to be a great CapitalOne Bowl Week.

In James Joyce a guy came up to the bar and ordered a Michelob Light, and he was told they don't carry it. He then insisted that he had gotten one earlier, and the bartender insisted he didn't, so he accepted a Michelob Ultra instead (he later admitted he was at another bar across the street, and that he was drunk). In any case, so what? Was he really going to notice? It's a mass produced American light beer, I defy you to taste the difference. There should be a single term that people can use to order such beverages, "Grab Bag Light", "Mass Light" or "Mystery Lite", and the bartender will just give you the one closest to him.

On Friday afternoon, we were trying to figure out why ESPN Classic decided to show a random midseason USC vs. Oregon game from 10/26/2002. Other than the fact that it was Carson Palmer's school record performance, and the fact the two teams were playing the next day, it didn't make a lot of sense unless Carson himself called up to request it. But now we know the reason: they were merely predicting that Palmer would have a huge (and eerily similar) day in the Bengals/San Diego game on Sunday. Take a look at the numbers:

10/26/02: 31/42, 448 yards, 5 TD (W 44-33)
11/12/06: 31/42, 440 yards, 3 TD (L 41-49)

And although it was in a loss, Ocho Cinco was muy bueno with 11-260/2 TD. Viva la Ocho Cinco!

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR COMING TO CITIFIELD, YOUR MONEY IS IMPORTANT TO US SO PLEASE STAY IN THE STADIUM. PRESS ONE IF YOU'RE AN ENGLISH METS FAN, PRESIONE DOS PARA EL ESPANOL."

(Hey, they don't care if it's a crap name if they're getting $20M a year for the next 20 years.)

THINGS I LIKE: THE LINKS AT UNIONVALE

I took off Friday and played golf at the Links @ Unionvale, in Lagrangeville, NY. It was a perfect day, about 60 and not a cloud in the sky, and it only cost $30 to walk 18 holes. Beat THAT with your "work".






MY NFL UPSET SPECIAL: I was going to say Steelers will beat the Saints, but inexplicably the 2-6 team is favored by 6 at home over the 6-2 team--go figure. So I'm taking Cleveland (+8) over Ron Mexico's overrated Atlanta Falcons.

Oh, and I just got back from getting a massage. It turns out that this weekend is all about me.

SCARLET FEVER!

I don't know what to say. What a tremendous win for Rutgers, beating Lousiville 28-25 on an Ito FG to win it. They are unbelievably now 9-0, and will easily be in the top 10 in the country the next time the polls come out. Incredible. Great job by the RU defense in the second half giving Brohm no one to throw to, and Ray Rice and Brian Leonard played outstanding in the win. It doesn't get any better than that. Words can't do it justice, so here's some photos.

GO SCARLET KNIGHTS!

SCARLET NIGHT

The Tri-State Area's favorite underdogs, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights (#13 BCS) play the Louisville Cardinals (#3 BCS) tonight in Piscataway in what might be the most important football game in their 137 year history. This is the first time Rutgers has played a ranked team while also being ranked themselves, going to back when Ulysses S. Grant was still President and they played the first intercollegiate game against Princeton in 1869. Rutgers football has never been good, mainly because they could never attract the top local high school players, who would end up at Penn State, Notre Dame, Pittsburgh and the like. And before Miami and BC left the Big East, they would be consistently trounced on a weekly basis. So I'm happy to see them turn it around under head coach Greg Schiano, and it's great that the area has a quality college team. Even if things don't go quite as hoped tonight and their dream of being in a BCS bowl game is shattered, hopefully they can build on it and continue to recruit the top players and be competitive for years to come. Maybe they'll even get a corporation to pay big money for the stadium naming rights, and play before sold out crowds in Johnson & Johnson Stadium.

However, the excitement has apparently reached a fever pitch as it seems that suddenly everyone is a Rutgers fan. Thousands camped out for tickets to this game the other night, as 10,500 student tickets were given away for free. But even worse than a bandwagon jumper is an obnoxious one, especially those who are calling themselves members of the "Scarlet Knights Nation". Please, I beg you, this trend has to stop. There's "Queer Nation", and its much less respected bastard cousin "Red Sox Nation", and that's where it should end. If you go to the school, you can just say you're a Scarlet Knight, or if that sounds too weird, a Rutgers student. If you don't, just say that you're rooting for them, don't claim to be part of some fictitious "club". It's pathetic, and actually kind of creepy.

Personally, I never understood people who buy season tickets and go to college games without having any affiliation with the school whatsoever. Maybe people are looking to "be a part of something", and its hard to beat the sheer passion and (apparent) innocence of college sports. But unless you went to Rutgers, work there, sent your kids there, have had season tickets for 10 years, etc., there's really no reason for it. Yes, I admit that I'm officially rooting for them tonight, and even though I took a summer course at RU and my sister went there, I'm not going to claim to be part of a "nation". I'm thinking that all the fairweather Rutgers fans that have popped up will retreat back into the woodwork (?) if they lose to Louisville and West Virginia over the next month, and then we can see who's a real fan.

As for tonight's game, I hate to say it but I don't see them stopping this high scoring Louisville team. QB Brian Brohm led them to victory versus a stacked WVU team last week (354 yds/1 TD, in a 44-34 win), and completely torched RU last year (315 yds/3 TD, in a 56-5 win). Although they're much improved on defense and sophomore Raymell Rice is an excellent runningback, Rutgers has to play perfect football tonight and get some breaks to win. My blognostication is that Louisville (-6) will win 31-13. Of course, I hope they prove me wrong and there are some serious parties up and down Easton Avenue tonight. Knowing Rutgers, there probably will be anyway.

Go Scarlet Knights!

Louisville vs. Rutgers Preview [Daily Targum]
Rutgers supplying wins to meet demand [Daily Targum]

RANDOM NOTES

I've heard the Rush song "Tom Sawyer" about 400 billion times in my lifetime. What does it mean? It came out when I was 10 years old, and I wasn't too keen on the lyrics then, nor am I now. Please explain in 50 words or less. Oh, and I never read "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" either, so I'll need a short synopsis of that too.

My HOME DOME DOG pick, the Detroit Lions, didn't let me down (well, I didn't blog it because I was away for the weekend, but I had a feeling they'd beat Atlanta). And also a big thanks to the NFL officials for letting a bad call (questionable face mask penalty on blocked FG attempt runback by Redskins) lose a game for the Cowboys! Great job, you blind part-time morons. Blognostication: Bill Parcells will be free to play golf full time by February 12, 2007.

And now that the Bears undefeated season has been erased, and half the players are hurt (Urlacher, Strahan, Umienyora, Burress, etc), can you switch the Bears @ Giants game back to Sunday at 1 PM? No, you're still showing it @ 8:15? And the 4th quarter won't start until 11 PM? Okay, fuck you NBC, I'm not watching.

Before they attempted to drag the U.S.S. Intrepid out of New York harbor today, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said, "The Intrepid stands for everything we believe in ... our freedom and our values." So it's incredibly appropriate that the massive aircraft carrier couldn't be moved because it was stuck in the mud.

Jagshemash! The #1 Movie of the weekend was BORAT: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which got an astonishing 96% review rating on RT. Enjoy the first four minutes of the movie right here. He's the 21st century answer to Yakov Smirnoff! (Except that he's funny, and he's not really from Kazakhstan.) I like sex, it is nice!

Great Xmas gift idea: VANILLA FUDGE T-SHIRT.

THINGS I LIKE: MARIA SHARAPOVA

Since I do a lot of whining here, I'm introducing a new Open Hockey feature: THINGS I LIKE. Every once in a while I'm going to just post something positive, something that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Well, I don't know about the fuzzy part.

Today, it's MARIA SHARAPOVA.


(This picture is from the 2007 SI swimsuit calendar, and more pix are here and here, if you're into that sort of thing.)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

NHL ON GOOGLE VIDEO

The NHL has joined up with Google Video for an exclusive deal to show complete commercial-free hockey games. From the looks of it, they're delayed about 3 days. They're expected to get classic games on here in the future. Eventually, they'll charge for this service (duh), but it's all FREE for the first two weeks in November. This is perfect if you're the Biggest Sabres Fan In France or don't have a TV. As for me, maybe I can catch up on some of the West Coast teams that I don't get to see much of. It's not live streaming (like MLB.com), but it's a start.

WRIST SHOTS: BUFFASLUG -- YOU'RE FIRED!

» That crazy Russian is on a historic streak! Malkin has scored a goal in his first 6 games, a feat not done since 1917-18. This was also the NHL's first year, which makes the accomplishment even more impressive. (Think about it: if it was the NHL's first year, those guys could have been scoring goals in amateur hockey for decades before then, right?) Anyway, I think this kid is going to be pretty good.
» Okay, the Sabres are starting to scare me. They FINALLY lost in a shootout vs. Atlanta on Saturday night (take THAT, Kris "Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo!), ending our long national nightmare. Tonight they were down 4-1 visiting the Bruins at the TDBankNorth BookDepository. With under 9 minutes to go, it appeared they were about to lose for the first time in regulation . . . but not so fast! OF COURSE they reeled off 3 unexplained goals and won 5-4 in a shootout, as Maxim "Magazine For Men" Afinogennycream added two more goals to his ledger.
» I heard a local slack-jawed sports yokel refer to the Ducks as "undefeated" before the Rangers beat them in OT on Wednesday night. But they were 9-0-3 at the time, which includes 3 OT losses. So we can't say they're undefeated, but we can say "undefeated in regulation". Let's please try to get this straight.
» Finnish goalie Kari Lehtonen is making all the difference for the 1st place Atlanta Flames--uhm, Thrashers (8-3-3). Unfortunately, his name looks like "Let one in". Think of the puns!
» Local boy Jim Dowd, formerly a Brick (NJ) Dragon, is back with the Devils. You might remember (or not) that he scored the winning goal in Game 2 en route to a 1995 Stanley Cup Finals sweep of the Red Wings. That was 11 years ago??? Wow, I feel old.
» By the way, statements like "The Devils need to find more offense" make me laugh, because I read those stories 3 Cups ago. But it might be more true in the new NHL.
» If you happen to be shopping in the Hartford mall, say hi to Darius for me. Which reminds me, I need to see a Lowell Devils game before the season is over.
» Lastly, columnist Jim "Not The Bills QB" Kelley of Prime Time Sports said the new Sabres logo looks like Donald Trump's hair. Brilliant observation. Here's the side by side comparison:



That's awesome! If I had Photoshop, I'd stick that thing right on his skull.

Well, if you hate the Buffaslug, it could be worse. No, I'm serious. Check out these links for some truly bad logos:
WORST HOCKEY LOGOS OF ALL TIME. I remember seeing a shirt for the NJ Rock'n'Rollers. Ewww.
BUSH LEAGUE FACTOR has some hideous minor league hockey logos (what the hell is an ice bat?)

2006 THE TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

It's here, the PGA Tour's final tournament of 2006 (sort of), THE TOUR Championship! What the hell is THE TOUR Championship, you ask? And why the weird capitalization? I don't know. Apparently, it's a four-round, cut-free golf tournament that invites the top 30 money winners, and all 30 will be richer by the end of the weekend. I'm not sure what its purpose is.

So why should we watch it? Because the top 30 golfers are there, that's why! Oh, except the #1 golfer, Tiger, who's cruising around in his yacht with his Swedish thing. And Phil (#4) won't be there either; he's at home watching the replay of the 2006 U.S. Open while crying into a pint of Chubby Hubby. Oh, and none of the Europeans who played well at the Ryder Cup will be there, like Montgomerie, Garcia, Clarke, or Harrington (in fact, Luke Donald is the only one). And the one Canadian, Stephen Ames, withdrew. So it's the TOP 27 in the world in a showdown to . . . eh whatever. If Tiger and Phil don't care, why should we?

I'm a golf fan, and I'm not even sure I'm going to tune in. And with football, hockey, and basketball all in full swing, it's a tough sell for the rest of the world too. Regardless, this is the last year that this tournament will be held in November, as in 2007 it will be moved up to September to be an integral part of "The Chase for the FedEx Cup". I don't know how I feel about this idea yet, but I hate the name which makes it sound like some lousy NASCAR type point race. I can't even find an article discussing the pros and cons, the only ones I can find are gushing praise written by the PGA itself (This just in: FedEx Cup is AWESOME!). You would think that the PGA Tour is doing this because it's suffering and needs more exposure, but that's hardly the case. Maybe the purses have become so bloated that they have to support it somehow, but I don't know if inventing an imaginary "cup" and giving the winner $10 million is the way to go. But I might be wrong.

Anyway, if you have the means, you can watch the rich get richer at the East Lake Golf Club in Atlanta, Georgia this weekend. Or just hop on your luxury yacht. Either way, enjoy!

THE WACKIEST HOCKEY TEAM IN THE NAVY!

I don't have much to say today, I just wanted to post that humorous hockey picture. Before I die, I'm going to see a hockey game up in Montreal. Overall, I have a feeling it will be a different atmosphere than seeing a game in the swamps of Jersey. Of course, Canada is no longer a vacation bargain since the latest exchange rate is $1.00 USD = $1.13 CAN. Wow, that's craptacular. It used to be a 30% difference (some Maine retailers still insist on this) but now the loonies are catching up with us. Since 9/11, it seems like you can't find a cheap stripper anymore.

Is the NBA season over yet? I'm already sick of people talking about it. You can also get your Knicks ticket "mini-plans" and "micro-plans". I can't decide between the "nada-plan" or the "zilcho-plan".

According to Slate, Bono is a tax-dodging hypocrite. Of course, I think we all wish he would stop trying to get a Nobel Peace Prize and concentrate on writing NON-CRAPPY SONGS.

HAPPY BLOGOWE'EN!

It's that magical day -- HALLOWE'EN! Actually, my favorite day is tomorrow when the stores sell discounted candy. Be sure to visit the Eye-Opener for some FRIGHTENINGLY BAD HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Thanks especially to Retrocrush who showcased some of those old plastic mask/smock combo costumes that were prevalent back in the 70s. I forgot how monumentally bad some of those were. I think I had an Underdog costume back in 1974 and I'm shocked they didn't have it.

Lisa: I don't think the real Radioactive Man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it.
Milhouse: He would on Halloween!

Some random thoughts:

* I completely avoided MNF on ESPN last night and I feel that I'm better for it. Instead of merely showing you a sporting event, they beat everything to death with a stupid stick, and it seems as if it's produced for an audience with an I.Q. of 75 that likes flashing lights and, apparently, heapin' helpings of Hank Williams Jr. It's unbearable. I'm convinced that ESPN hates sports fans.

But I have an idea that can save MNF. Recently they've been doing this ESPN Full Circle Jerk thing for college football, where all of the ESPN channels are devoted to different aspectse and angles of a single game. Why don't they do this for MNF? For those who don't care about all the ancillary Hollywood nonsense they've injected into the show, devote one channel (ESPN2) to JUST SHOWING THE GAME. No commentary, no special guests, no bullshit, just football. Plus, they'll get great ratings on BOTH channels. Think of how great that will be for the advertising dollars You can thank me later, ESPN.

* I tuned into the Flyers/Hawks game for a few minutes and saw a lot of people wearing orange afros in the crowd. I wasn't shocked, since it's the day before Halloween, and there's nothing else to do in Philly. But apparently, they unofficially set a Guinness world record by getting 9,315 fans to wear wigs during the game (beating the old record of 6,213 set at a Pistons game in 2004). First of all, why is there a record for that? Man, this country is doomed. And second, that's the highlight of the Flyers season.

* It may have been a fever dream, but last night I'm pretty sure I saw Steven Colbert join Barry Manilow to sing "I Write the Songs", which was hilarious. Right after that, I switched to David Letterman to see Borat, Tiki & Beck, which sounds like a name for one screwed-up law firm. Borat even joined Beck on stage for a minute during "Nausea". Very funny. Sasha Baron Cohen is a weird guy.

* Interesting article from Slate: PROOF THAT INTERNET PORN PREVENTS RAPE. Discuss amongst yourselves.

HAPPY DAYLIGHT WASTING TIME!

I'm getting more and more cynical every day. Everything bugs me to some degree, whether it's commercials, politicians, or car salesmen. I'm trying to figure out what's causing it. Why is this? Have I changed my diet? Not really. Have I changed anything else in my life? Nope, been living/working at the same place for 5 years. The only thing I can trace it back to is this: I spend way too much time reading blogs.

Blogs are filled with negative energy, it's basically just a way for people to complain, bitch and moan about the world. That's fine, but it starts to affect you after a while. But as far as sports information goes, I only go to Sportsline when I want to get some stats, and rarely if ever visit ESPN, because I can't take their self-righteous self-importance. I read an inordinate amount of stuff from blogs and Deadspin approved sites because I much prefer sites that ridicule athletes than those who take them so seriously. For instance, I would rather read ExBurgher's hilarious Tecmo NFL previews than put up with the pompous Peter King's picks.

Okay, I really came on here to blab about football (I loved seeing the Trojans lose to the Beavers yesterday as well), so let's go.

THIS WEEK IN THE NFL:

BARBER BOWL! Yes, Tiki and Ronde will be on opposite sides of the ball in the Bucs @ Giants game today FOR POSSIBLY THE LAST TIME EVER, in case you haven't heard. Crazy stat: Ronde has 2 TDs on defense, while Tiki has 0. That's absurd. Tiki will finally get in the end zone at a blustery Giants Stadium today.
MONDAY NIGHT FUCKTARDS. Paris Hilton is going to be on this week. Fuck ESPN.
WHO THE HELL DAT? Here are some of the starting QBs today: Damon Huard (or rookie Brodie Croyle, if he can't go), Charlie Frye, David Gerrard, Brad Gradkowski, and Seneca Wallace. Who the hell are these guys? Is this the NFL or the World League?
NEW VIEW. Black Bear in White Plains, which I am going to visit right now. Apparently, they have all HD screens, unlike most bars in the area. I'll give my review later.
MY UPSET PICK: I was going to say Cleveland over the Jets, but the Browns are favored at home by 2. So it's Seattle (+4) over KC.

RIFFTRAX

Did I ever mention how much I miss MST3K? If not, I'm mentioning it now. Well, RiffTrax is the next best thing! Satellite of Love-less Mike Nelson has recorded commentaries you can download and listen to along with movies like Top Gun, The Matrix, Halloween, and of course, Road House, for $1.99-2.99. And Kevin "Tom Servo" Murphy and Bill "Crow 2" Corbett even join him for a few of them! (I suppose you have to draw your own silhouettes on the bottom of your TV to get the full MST3K effect.) I might have to buy Star Trek V! Wait, I'd also have to buy the DVD for Star Trek V, and I don't think that's gonna happen.

Some links:
* Click here for Rifftrax samples.
* Here's a secret super hidden Road House clip!
* Coming soon: The Phantom Menace.
* Pick up MST3K Volume 10 DVD if you haven't already!
* Rhino is losing the rights to the Volume 1 and Volume 3 movies, so get those DVDs before they go out of print. Because if you don't own The Sidehackers, you don't own SHIT.
* Mike Nelson also riffs the California Governor's race on YouTube, for Phil Angelides and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

MAXIM'S HOCKEY'S TOUGHEST BASTARDS

Maxim magazine has compiled a list of Hockey's Toughest Bastards. Here it is:

15. Gino Odjick
I guess he gets on this list because of the cool "The Maniwaki Mauler" nickname. Fair enough.
14. Doug Jarvis
Yes, he played in 964 consecutive games, but he's not a "tough guy".
13. Todd Bertuzzi
Of course, he's only going to be remembered for his Insane in the Zidane cheap shot of Steve Moore.
12. Doug Gilmour
Again, whoever made this list must like nicknames (his was "Killer"). I'm not buying it.
11. Wendel Clark. When they were both Maple Leaves, he made Gilmour as tough as he was, so they cancel each other out.
10. Dave Semenko
"Gretzky's bodyguard". If that's true, he did a hell of a job.
9. Peter Forsberg
What? This is where the list started to lose me. He shouldn't even be in the top 1000. Plus, it seems like he's made out of glass nowadays (currently on the DL).
8. Billy Smith
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Battlin' Billy was a crazy bastard, but a goalie at #8?
7. Gordie Howe
Absolutely. Why not higher? He also played hockey (in some form) in 6 straight decades.
6. Maurice Richard
5. Bob Probert
No argument there. I don't want Bob pissed at me.
4. Bob Baun
Scoring the winning goal after fracturing your ankle: now THAT'S a hockey player, but not this high.
3. Scott Stevens
Now, being a Devils fan I'm a bit biased, but I thought he should have been #1. So that means the top 2 are going to be real badasses, right? Right?
2. Mark Messier
Okay, a Rangers fan made this list, there's no doubt. Because he "guaranteed a win", he gets a tough bastard award? I don't think so. Yes, the Captain was a resilient leader, and a prolific point scorer, but not the 2nd "toughest" of all-time.
1. Mario Lemieux
Are you kidding me? He shouldn't even be on this list! Recovering from non-Hodgekin's lymphoma is pretty impressive, but not a criteria for naming someone #1. If it wasn't for guys like Ulf Samuelsson protecting him, he'd be nothing.

It's interesting that guys like Tie Domi, Bobby Clarke, Clark Gilles, Stu Grimson or Darius KasparMINUS aren't on here. I'd even put Ryan Smith on there before freaking Mario. What a crap list, especially the top player on it. What would you expect from Maxim, one of the most moronic magazines out there? It's clear they know next to nothing about hockey.

Try this list out instead: Hockey's Tough Guys

COMMERCIAL BREAKDOWN

While watching commercials tonight, which were occasionally interrupted by LOST, one break had two separate but similar ads. One was hyping a Taye Diggs TV show about deja vu, and another one hyping a Denzel Washington movie about deja vu called, well, Deja Vu. I'm having that weird feeling like I'd just seen this somewhere before, and there's a name for it I can't remember . . . oh yeah, the word is "UNORIGINAL".

I heard that Bob Seger passed the Chevy commercial torch over to John Mellencamp at the World Series the other day. What a special moment, a changing of the mud guard, so to speak. Too bad I missed it (and according to the ratings, so did most of the country). John Cougar (what a cool rock name, so of course he changed it), it was nice knowing you. I hope you enjoy your free pickup truck, you useless whore.

Those Coors Light commercials with fake press conferences featuring Bill Walsh and Dick Vermeil AREN'T FUNNY, despite what other people may tell you and what you think (currently, I'm not charging money for this service).

A couple of complete morons, who are inexplicably dining at Taco Bell with a cute chick, discuss some godawful "crunchy, cheezy and chewy" delicacy and try to create a single adjective to would describe it. Wait, you forgot to include "chest-clutching". How about "crunchestclutcheesewy"?

Circuit City's commercials are amazingly inane. "Looking for that new TV? We've got just what you needed!", is the claim they make while The Cars song of the same name plays in the background. "Our web site has thousands of customer reviews so you can find out everything you need to know about our hottest gear." Let me get this straight: you're going to help us out by making us read what CUSTOMERS recommend? In other words, they couldn't tell you a single thing about their own merchandise, so they're not even going to try. Here's what I envision their employees saying as you walk in: "Hi, are you looking for a new TV? Well, I don't have the faintest clue, but why don't you ask that guy over there? He comes in the store every week and just hangs out for an hour, and I think he has three TVs at home, he probably knows more than me! Oh, and we take VISA, MasterCard and cash!" That's the best you can do? How do stores like this stay in business? Let me guess: staggering amounts of volume to cover up their severe ineptitude? Can you do us all a favor and please go out of business already? Why can't every electronics retailer be like HARVEY ELECTRONICS or CRUTCHFIELD?