WRIST SHOTS: PUTTING THE 'TITS' IN KOSTITSYN

I must confess: I watched NBC (The Office) last night instead of NBH (nothing but hockey). So you can say I was Off-ice as well as on-ice!

(Insert laugh track here.)

I did find some time to see some of the MASTERS, the two VERSUS games (in SD--ugh) and the FROZEN FOUR. In the latter, BC curb-stomped North Dakota Fighting Sioux, 6-0. In the late game, Michigan scored a late goal to force OT against #4 seed Notre Dame, but the Cinderella Fighting Irish knocked off the #1 Wolverines 5:44 into the extra period. (All these "fighting" names are ironic, since there's really no fighting in college hockey.) This is their first trip to the finals, setting up an all Catholic school matchup that only God picked correctly. (You should see that guy's bracket, it's insane.) Get ready for the HOLY WAR ON ICE!

I feel sorry for hockey commentators like Ray "Chicken Parm" Ferraro and Barry "Mullet" Melrose that still work for ESPN, as they give them very little work to do. One other thing: who chose the blue and yellow boards for the FROZEN FOUR? The same color-challenged freaks that made the blue turf for Boise State? Egads, that's horrible. (Thankfully, ESPN did not screw up the Masters tournament, it was the exact same broadcast as CBS, just on another channel. Whew.)

Now, some quick NHL comments.

Game 1 - Ducks 0, Stars 4. The Ducks took about 34 penalties in this one, playing "stupid" instead of "tough", like Chris Pronger during pretty much all of his waking hours. Not so tough now, are you? Kris made me think about this, and I came to the conclusion: I don't really hate the Stars. Of course, I hate the fact that they're in Texas, but that's on their ownership for moving from Minnesota. I even like Mike Modano and his groin-grabbingly hot wife, but I've just never had a reason to root for them. I also thought their 1999 Cup win was horseshit, thanks to Brett Hull and Bettman's "foot in the crease rule" blunder. But I'm rooting for them hard in this series.

Game 1 - Preds 1, Detroit 3. We have our first octopus sighting! Boy, is that a disgusting tradition. The Nashville Pussies fought hard in this one, violating Hasek's five-hole late in the 2nd to tie it 1-1. But Detroit was nice enough to score the go-ahead goal during a break in the uncomfortably hysterical (uncomforsterical?) "Dinner Party" episode of The Office and added an EN late. It was a workmanlike win, and while they should have no problem getting by the Preds, I wonder what the big deal is about this team--they simply don't impress me. Hasek is still solid but no longer "The Dominator", so what should we call him? The "Workenator"? The "Sufficienator"? The "Decentator"? (Yeah, I realize his nickname plays off his first name, but that's all I could think of.)

VERSUS has Manny Legace in the studio during the breaks for the playoffs, since there's fuck-all to do in St. Louis right now. He's an affable guy, but he's got no broadcast skills whatsoever; he just rambles seemingly without a script while the other guys nod and politely smile (I thought Engblom's cheeks were going to explode). Did they even hold an audition for this? Oh right, it's VERSUS, so I'm going with a big fat 'no'.

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

I realize that Budweiser and its ilk only exist to be someone's "first beer", to initiate the weak into the world of alcoholism, and/or someone's 1st through 45th watered-down, non-offensive brew for a night of binge drinking. In order to keep you slugging their swill, or to get the ball rolling on underage drinking earlier, they need to invent new ways to sell you the same thing over and over. In an intense brainstorm session, someone must have mentioned the propensity of Corona drinkers to place an actual lime wedge in their beers to mask the pissy taste, and came up with the groundbreaking idea to put lime flavoring into Bud Light. (How much do they spend on R&D each year, $19.99?) But that's only the beginning. How can you sell such a ho-hum whogivesashit product to the masses? Here's where I have to tip my hat to the marketing geniuses at A-B. First of all, they came up with the name BL LIME. You see, it's Bud Light, only with lime in it, hence the moniker "BL LIME". If that wasn't enough, the commercials hype it as if it's a huge event, with the teaser "COMING MAY 2008". What they're saying is that you are NOT READY for this, so they're going to slow things down before unleashing such an exciting and borderline controversial product to the beer buying public. Let me reiterate: they took ordinary Bud Light and added lime to it, but if you see the ads you'd think they'd just cured cancer. (Seriously, their marketing is sheer brilliance/evil. And I want to cockpunch the first guy I hear ordering a "BL LIME" this summer.)

Back to the games (that I didn't see).

Game 2 - Flames 0, Sharks 2. The (not Land) Sharks outshot the Flames 27-3 in the 2nd. 27 SHOTS to 3. Are you kidding? The Flames committed 7 penalties, but somehow only gave up two goals (1 PP) during that period. Hey, I guess it could have been worse. I think SJ might be back on track.

Game 1 - Bruins 1, Habs 4. Le but! Victoire pour le Habs! Sacre bleu! French phrases! Loud noises! Sergei and Andrei each scored in the first 2:02 of this one, putting the "tits" in Kostitsyn. Speaking of, I hope to find some quality strippers while I'm up in Montreal next month, any suggestions?

I also watched a bit of There's Something About Mary last night (somehow, there's still an "official site" up on the web), possibly the funniest movie of the 90s. When Mary (Cameron Diaz) said to Ted (Ben Stiller), "Wanna come inside and watch Sportscenter?", at the time that was considered to be an incredibly cool line for a chick to say. However, 10 years later all I could think was, "Man, she's a complete moron. I guess she's not a hockey fan."

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

There was a video of Sid-the-Great as a young child making the rounds of email yesterday that I was tempted to post, but figured that most people would have seen it already. However, it did get me thinking about great sporting actions and how, when well done, they change the outcome of a game.

This one, not so much. See, the thing is that you need to initiate the action while someone is still near you. If not, you just look stupid.



[Update] I actually missed this the first time I watched it, but the announcer's great: "...Oh! Gilardino goes down almost posthumously."

WRIST SHOTS: PHANEUF'S ENUFF

So after Day 1 of the NHL playoffs, the teams I chose to win their respective playoff series are an astonishing 1-3. Again, I stress this point: do not use this blog for gambling purposes.

Game 1 - Rangers 4, Devils 1. What can I say? This was a close game most of the way, scoreless after the 1st with each team ringing one off the pipes, and 1-1 after the 2nd, and Avery deservedly getting hit in the face with a puck deflected off of Brodeur's stick. Henrik was solid, and Marty gave up a quickie to open the scoring (okay, not technically the 1st minute of the 2nd, but awfully close, and right after they killed a penalty). Not on the score sheet but very important: Drury won 14 of 18 faceoffs. In the end, the Strangers got the job done thanks to a Callahan shorty, and the Devils looked simply listless at home. Even if they manage a home split on Friday, it doesn't look good. So much for home ice (which, as I predicted, was infested by over 30% Rangers fans).

The refs have already set a tone in this series, and it's this: Sean Avery is allowed to bump into Brodeur whenever he damn well pleases. Even though just brushing up against a goalie in the regular season drew a "goalie interference" penalty, they're just going to look the other way now. On the other hand, when the Devils defense tries to clear out their crease of detritis, they get called for "interference" (Martin at 19:43 of the 1st, which was technically Drury diving like a European soccer player bitch). Because of this horseshit, for Game 2 you're going to have someone try to railroad Avery as soon as he steps on the ice, and he'll get into a fight heightening his powers of douchebaggery, thus leading to him scoring TWO goals. Well done, guys.

Oh, and fuck you, CBS Sportsline. There's no such thing as a "hat trick of assists". Now you're just making shit up. Sportsline, you are on notice. I'm not linking to you shitheads for the rest of the playoffs. (UPDATE: They changed the headline since last night, so they must have read my complaints. But they're still on notice.)

Game 1 - Calgary 3, San Jose 2. This one makes me want to Yelle, as I see my Stanley Cup pick (Sharks) go down in Flames. Just one note: Phaneuf is currently banging puck bunny/actress Elisha Cuthbert, who is working her way up the hockey fuckchain (younger, bigger contract). She's going to be stuffed with Phaneuf tonight!

Game 1 - Ottawa 0, Sidsburgh 4. MAF tallies a shutout. Now I've seen everything.

Game 1 - Colorado 3, Minnesota 2 (OT). It didn't take long to get our first OT game of the playoffs, and it was a doozy. Joe Sakic celebrated his 50th birthday (well, almost) by scoring the winner, his 8th career playoff OT goal (two more than the next guy, Rocket Richard).

Ex-Devils that scored tonight that the current Devils could have used: Shanahan (1G), Rolston (1A), Gomez (3A), Sykora (1G).

Programming note: Cablefuckingvision couldn't get VERSUS HD to work for most of the Sidsburgh game, which actually prompted me to call them. All I wanted to do is inform them that the channel was dropping out and choppy, but they first needed my name, phone number, address, account number, date of birth, etc. Even when I provided that they STILL couldn't find the account info. Dammit, just fix the damn thing! They eventually did--with about 5 minutes left in the game. At that point, the MSG/MSG+ feeds started to crap out so I just turned off the TV completely. This was the first time all year that VERSUS HD has crapped out--fantastic timing. And after all that I was convinced that they throttled the bandwidth on VERSUS HD to ensure a stellar picture on MSG. Dolan, go die in a fire.

Tonight, the games which should be on VERSUS HD will be pre-empted by golf. No, Golf Channel HD can't show people at the Masters playing golf, it's just going to be people talking about golf, in prime time, in standard definition.

Screw you, I'm taking a break from hockey and watching "The Office".

CONGRATULATIONS: YOUR TEAM SUCKS. NOW SAVE SOME MONEY

I don't know how NHL.com knows that I'm a Sabres fan, but they do (it's not like I keep it a secret)...And they want me to remember that my team sucks just like all those other sucky teams.

For one day only, you too can save 25% off all merchandise for the shit-teams of the league. Buy your Sundin jersey now (or a Bryan McCabe puck). How about a Vinny Lecavalier All-Star 2008 T-Shirt. 25% off, FOR ONE DAY ONLY!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY OF THE DAY: HARDBALL MADE EASY

This is one of those serial postings that will last until about Tuesday of next week before it's forgotten about, but I'm going to try to embed videos from time-to-time that follow Open Hockey's core beliefs of sarcasm, sports and hate.

I know that I should probably hate viral advertising videos because they're just that...advertising. But I don't care. This "HARDBALL MADE EASY" with Ron Stilanovich series is really well done, even if it's selling Easton bats.



Gasolina, baby!
Good job, rub some dirt in it

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? GOLF BABE EDITION

This is Elin Nordegren, formerly a member of the Swedish Bikini Team (if she wasn't, she should have been). Before she married Tiger Woods and had a kid, she seemed to really dislike pants immensely.



I'm not sure about her current stance on pants, but if her husband brings home another green jacket this Sunday it would behoove her to lose them.



This reminds me: I really have to work on my golf game.

2008 MASTERS® PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

It's here: The Masters® tournament is finally here! Yeah, I'm excited.

I have to admit, my brain/this blog has been hockey-centric lately, so I didn't have too much time to whip up an "extravaganza" preview for you. But before the hockey games start I will of course be watching THE MASTERS®, the greatest golf tournament we've got. So let's break it down:

TV SCHEDULE
4/10 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 1st round (ESPN/ESPN HD)
4/11 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 2nd round (ESPN/ESPN HD)
4/12 - 3:30-7:00 pm: 3rd round (CBS HD)
4/13 - 2:30-7:00 pm: Final round (CBS HD)

Yes, those asshats at ESPN (Endlessly Self-Promoting Network) decided to crash the party and stick their dick in the mashed potatoes by broadcasting the first two rounds this year. (Please god don't screw it up please god don't screw it up please god don't screw it up.) The Masters seem to have a lot of control over the broadcasting and marketing of their tournament, so hopefully it will not change too much. If there are scrolling scores on the bottom of the screen, Sportscenter teasers giving me the latest arena football news, and Stuart Freaking Scott on the course wearing a pimp suit--goddammit I'm driving to Bristol and fucking shit up (and kidnapping Dana Jacobson if I have to). Regardless, its placement on ESPN should guarantee the ratings go down.

ONLINE SCHEDULE
Amen Corner Live
Thursday and Friday: 10:45am - 5:45pm ET
Saturday: 11:45 - 5:45pm ET
Sunday: 11:45 - 5:45pm ET
Hole Nos. 15 and 16 (New for 2008)
Thursday and Friday: 11:45 - 6:45pm ET
Saturday: 12:45 - 6:30pm ET
Sunday: 12:45 - 6:30pm ET

CBS Sportsline Video - Masters Live (Amen Corner)

DIRECTV SCHEDULE
The best innovation this year is DirecTV assigning 4 separate (SD/HD) channels showing different views of the tournament: the regular broadcast, "Today's Highlights", Amen Corner, Holes 15 & 16. This is very cool, but a mere baby step towards the genius idea I had a few years ago: devoting a separate channel to each hole. That's when I will officially dump cable and switch to DirecTV.

FIRST ROUND TEE TIMES (EDT)
Some interesting pairings:
10:23 a.m. Z. Johnson (2007 winner), L. Donald, G. Ogilvy
10:34 a.m. M. Weir, P. Harrington, J. Singh
10:45 a.m. T. Woods, A. Cabrera, S. Appleby
1:19 p.m. A. Scott, P. Casey, R. Goosen
1:30 p.m. V. Singh, S. Stricker, S. Cink
1:52 p.m. E. Els, S. Katayama, J. Furyk

THE FIELD
The winner will come from the above threesomes I highlighted, specifically the three I would pick would be Woods, Scott and Goosen. (Three I would not pick: Cabrera, Casey and Katayama). If I had to bet, I'd be stupid not to go with Mr. Tiger Woods, who has played ridiculous golf (even for him!) in his last 10 tournaments.

Let's tee it up for THE MASTERS® (registered trademark used with implied oral consent)!

LEADERBOARD

Doc Sports 2008 Masters Odds
Sportbet.com (via Wager.ca) Masters Odds
TIGER WOODS -120
PHIL MICKELSON 850
VIJAY SINGH 1200
ERNIE ELS 1800
GEOFF OLGILVY 2100
PADRAIG HARRINGTON 2400
RETIEF GOOSEN 2600
ADAM SCOTT 2800
JUSTIN ROSE 3400
KJ CHOI 3800
JIM FURYK 3800
LUKE DONALD 4200
STEVE STRICKER 4600
HENRIK STENSON 4600
SERGIO GARCIA 5000
RORY SABBATINI 5800

THE COURSE
Name: Augusta National, Augusta, GA
Par: 36-36-72
Yardage: 7,445

Hole/Name/Par/Yards
1) Tea Olive - Par 4, 455
2) Pink Dogwood - Par 5, 575
3) Flowering Peach - Par 4, 350
4) Flowering Crab Apple - Par 3, 240
5) Magnolia - Par 4, 455
6) Juniper - Par 3, 180
7) Pampas - Par 4, 450
8) Yellow Jasmine - Par 5, 570
9) Carolina Cherry - Par 4, 460
10) Camellia - Par 4, 495
11) White Dogwood - Par 4, 505
12) Golden Bell - Par 3, 155
13) Azalea - Par 5, 510
14) Chinese Fir - Par 4, 440
15) Firethorn - Par 5, 530
16) Redbud - Par 3, 170
17) Nandina - Par 4, 440
18) Holly - Par 4, 465

Hole-by-hole videos
WEATHER FORECAST - AUGUSTA, GA
THU: Mostly sunny, 80. Winds 5 - 8 mph.
FRI: Partly sunny, 83. Wind S 5 - 11 mph.
SAT: Mostly cloudy, 73. 40% chance of showers.
SUN: Partly sunny, 67.

HOCKEY, SOCCER, AND HOMERS

I was going to start this post with a video of the brilliant end-to-end single effort by Theo Walcott (the only Brit on the pitch for Arsenal last night - think about that!!) that set up Emmanuel Adebayor to tie the Champions League Quarter Final at 84 minutes, but UEFA are even bigger twunts than the NHL and you cannot find videos on Youtube. UEFA must have a crack team of copyright enforcement officers whose sole job is to report "abuse" to Youtube administrators. I figured no problem, I'll just go to UEFA's site: HA! On their site the only thing you get is the post game interview with Rafael Benitez (coach of Liverpool). Fuck UEFA. This is why I don't watch foccer anymore...Asshat league management.

And shitty calling: In my last real post, I referenced the French propensity for homerism. If I watch international matches featuring the French National Team, I generally turn the volume down because I just can't stand listening to these guys. You'd think they learned their lesson, when the #1 soccer announcer for the #1 TV station dropped dead at 49 years old, that God hates Homers. No such luck. If anything it's worse, because now his position is open and anyone who calls a game has to prove that he's up to the task of licking the balls of the French TV audience. Since Arsène Wenger (a Frenchman!) is the manager of Arsenal, the French announcers are required by law to support the Gunners. I don't hate Arsenal, but I want to be able to make up my own mind about who to support without listening to the verbal fellation of the North London side.

There's nothing wrong with homerism, per se. I don't really care if NESN blindly supports the Bruins, as long as their feed isn't national. It's a local TV station, with a local audience. It's annoying as hell, but if the majority of the viewers are pro-Boston, then the announcers being homers isn't the end of the world. If the French National Team plays a game, it's partially logical that the announcers are homers. I turn the sound off, but, for the most part, the viewing audience also wants the French team to win. However, when you are the announcer and you're supporting a team because you know the manager, or the leading goal scoring speaks French, that's just fucking wrong and annoying, yet the French like this I guess because every announcer I've ever heard on TV has the same attitude (I like this team, so you must too).

Update: I've found a video. I don't know how long UEFA's brownshirts are going to leave this, but Walcott's run starts at 2:57 in the video



Jeff asked me to make my picks for Round 1. I have not watched a lot of hockey this year, so I can't say that I'm really well-versed in the comings and goings, but I'll do this as scientifically as possible: i.e. Based on important factors such as which coach is less of a twunt or who has hotter ice girls:

Prince of Wales Conference

(1) Montreal vs. (8) Boston: Everyone's making a big deal about this original 6 match-up. Is it just me that's too cynical, or are there other people that just don't care? Unless Les Canadiens really fuck this up, this series should be pretty one-sided: Montreal in 5

(2) Pittsburgh vs. (7) Ottawa: Yes, we can never count the Sens out, but thugtastic Neil and Alfie and all the other bitches don't stand a chance to Sid's pretty face and Malkin's skill. Plus I never get tired of rooting against the Senators. Sidsburgh in 6

(3) Washington vs. (6) Philadelphia: The Kapital Komrades have truly come on in the last 1/3 of the season and they're hot right now. However, they are a bit of a one-pony show and if Ovie plays poorly, the whole team feels it! However, with Huet in goal now, they no longer have to play for frequent trips to St. Augustine, FL for Kolzig. I still couldn't, in my right mind, want the Cryers to win for any reason. Kapitals in 6

(4) New Jersey vs. (5) New York Rangers: This is the hardest match-up to call, IMHO. The Rangers completely dominated the Devils all season long, but you should really never bet against Marty in the playoffs. King Henrik will stand on his head. Drooory will come up big one game, but it won't be enough. Devils in 7

If my predictions come true, we're setting up the ultimate Bettman wet-dream: Sidburgh vs the Komrades in Round 2. I'm sure he's got a chubby just thinking about it.

Campbell Conference

(1) Detroit vs. (8) Nashville: Meh, I'm not even going to waste good blogspace on this; the Predators will get lucky and win one. Detroit in 5

(2) San Jose vs. (7) Calgary: I'd like to see Brian Campbell get a cup. I don't have any hard feelings for his departure. He's worth what he's worth and the Sabres needed to get something for him. However, I hate Whiny Ron Wilson as much as I hate any coach in this league. These two cancel each other out. I kind of like Ignila because he comes across as the epitome of a blue-collar hockey player. However, all of this is irrelevant because the Sharks are just too strong. San Jose in 6

(3) Minnesota vs. (6) Colorado: I know absolutely nothing about either of these teams, except that Floppa came back and the Avs play great hockey when he's on the ice. If Forsberg can make it to even a few of these games, the Avs stand a good chance at messing up the Wild. Avs in 5

(4) Anaheim vs. (5) Dallas: I used to hate the Stars more than any team in the league, but Hull is gone, Hatcher plays (or not) for the Cryers and most of the other asshats have moved on or retired (I never really hated Modano). Now Pronger is probably the shittiest player in the league and I want nothing more than to see him cry his way out in the first round. However, the Stars haven't been playing great hockey lately and the Phucks still have Giggy in goal and S. Niedermeyer and Selanne haven't had the deal with the stresses of a full season. Also, expect to see Pronger exchange his right to dress in Game 3 for a series-ending concussion to Ribeiro. It pains me to say it but: Phucks in 6 (I hope I'm wrong).

The league is being their normal bitchy selves and put most of the [Prince of Wales] games at 7pm EST. They should know by now, that it's tough for me to watch games that start at 1AM CET. The Kapitals play game 2 @ 2pm on Sunday and Game 5 @1pm the following Saturday. The only other game I could watch is Detroit's eventual thrashing of the Preds in Game 2 @ 2pm EST on Saturday. Why aren't their more weekend matinees. FUCK YOU BETTMAN! Think about me for once. And what about all those English fans that you picked up. How do you think they're going to stay hockey fans if they have to stay up until 4am on a school night to watch Sidney's dreamy mug?

2008 STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

The 2008 Stanley Cup playoffs are finally here! After a brutal playoff push that saw two Canadian teams get ousted, the Kaps and Lyers rise from the dead, and last year's Presidents' Trophy winner fizzle out, we're finally down to 16 teams. Let's take a look at the matchups and get into the blognostications.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference
This is about as perfect a collection of eight Eastern teams that you can imagine, especially if you're a hockey traditionalist. While I would prefer jettisoning the Philthy Lyers and putting the Sabres in their spot, you really cannot ask for better matchups here. All of the teams in this conference are fighters, and none of them are a pushover. Best of all, there won't be a single game played south of D.C.! Screw you, South! Go enjoy the beach or NASCAR or dogfighting or something, and leave the hockey to us.

(1) Montreal vs. (8) Boston. A matchup of Original Six teams with a long history. Which reminds me: I made a sandwich the other day with honey maple turkey, cave-aged gruyere and wasabi mustard on toasted 7 grain bread. The ingredients by themselves were great but it just didn't work well together, sort of like this defensively minded but otherwise toothless Bruins team. Why French Canadians would chant in Spanish ("Olé, olé-olé-olé!") I'll never figure out. Habs in 5.

(2) Pittsburgh vs. (7) Ottawa. How far the Sens have fallen, and everyone has written them off. However, don't count them out here, because as long as the Pens have M.A.F. in goal I don't see them etching "Crosby" into the Cup. (This is my shocking pick of the bunch.) Sens in 7.

(3) Washington vs. (6) Philadelphia. What a fantastic run for the Kapital Komrades. This is just Year One of their resurgence (also known as "Finding Talent To Play With Ovechkin"), and while their late season momentum might propel them into the next round, that's about it. Expect a lot of late hits and soft goals given up by the Philthy Lyers. Typically, Philthy's slogan is "VENGEANCE NOW". Who, exactly, are they exacting revenge on? The league, for rightfully suspending their players for being dirty? Who did them wrong, besides their own management? Screw them. They shouldn't even be here. Kaps in 6.

(4) New Jersey vs. (5) New York Rangers. A rematch of 2005 where the Devs swept their Blueshirted nemeses, I see this as a better matchup between two teams that are mirror images of each other. Devils: world-class goaltending, weak power play; Rangers: great goaltending, weak defense. I said this last year, and I'm just going to cut-and-paste it in here: "New Jersey has had some serious ups and downs this year but as always it's about Brodeur, who had an amazing season this year." Interesting fact: Brodeur has played 164 career playoff games, while the rest of the starting goalies in the East (Price, Henrik, Thomas, Huet/Kolzig, Biron, Emery/Gerber, MAF/Conklin) have played a combined 107 (45 of which are Kolzig, who won't start for the Kaps). Devils in 6.


Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
I'm not as impressed by this conference as I was last year, as there seem to be more fighters in the East, though the top 2 seeds are as tough as it gets.

(1) Detroit vs. (8) Nashville. Ahh, the mighty Red Wings are in first again. I'm getting so sick of typing that. Nashville was the only team in their division to hold their own against the Wings. But I don't see them emerging from this series against a loaded Wings team, despite their (scary) enthusiastic home crowd and the presence of Vince Gill. Wings in 5.

(2) San Jose vs. (7) Calgary. I have no idea what to make of Keenan's Calgary squad, since I've seen about 2 whole periods of them in action. Although Ignila scored 50 goals and carried this team, and Kiprusoff's been solid I don't think they have enough firepower. Nabakov has been borderline Vezina this year and I expect him to continue his stellar play. Sharks in 5.

(3) Minnesota vs. (6) Colorado. I like this Avs team, I don't know why. They have some good young talent mixed in with wily vets like Sakic and Forsberg. Oh, and I also will root for no team with Chris Simon as a member. Did anyone catch Ian "Stone Quarry" Laperriere fighting Martin "Zsa Zsa" Gaborik the other day? The former still had his gloves on because the latter was wearing a visor. What kind of fight is that? "Who throws a shoe? Honestly, you fight like a woman!" Avalanche in 6.



(4) Anaheim vs. (5) Dallas. I think I say this about two teams every year, so here we go again: can both of these teams lose in the first round? No? Has any team worn out their welcome faster than the Ducks? This season they've been predictably ornery, with Pronger being a complete douche. And although Nieds and Selanne are well-rested (assholes), this is the year that Turco FINALLY steps up and forces them to retire. Again. Stars in 7.

For those who care (and there aren't many) I will also be simulating the playoffs using NHL 2002 on the PC with the current rosters (as close as I can get them, anyway). Enjoy the hockey related songs I put on the Playlist as well. Okay, that's all I've got. Let's drop the puck!

KUKLA'S CORNER EYE ON THE MEDIA - TV SCHEDULE
VERSUS TV SCHEDULE
HDSPORTSGUIDE.COM NHL SCHEDULE
NHL.COM TV SCHEDULE

(Interestingly, VERSUS has only chosen to show 2 games each from the Sidsburgh/Bruins and Devs/Rangers series, yet the combined forces of NBC/VS are showing every single Detroit/Nashville and Philthy/Kaps game. Where's the Sid and Marty love?)

FINALLY: THE SABRES BEAT THE DEVILS AT SOMETHING

We all know that the Devils are superior to the Sabres in nearly every way (except possibly slacking Europeans) this year. Yet, there is one arena where the Sabres remain the winners (other than skill competition losses). GOOGLE FIGHT!

It was a hard fought battle, but in the end, one stick figure was send flying:



Yep, that's the Devils you see flying off the screen. The Sabres, by the slimmest of margins, have more Google hits. Of course "porn" beats "buffalo sabres" by a 50:1 margin, but we need to compare apples to apples.

WRIST SHOTS: MARTY QUICKIES

Yesterday, I watched the Devils dominate the Rangers in the 1st period, putting up a two-spot and outshooting them 11-2. It seemed like a playoff atmosphere at The Rock, and I found myself getting wrapped up in it. Then just 0:19 into the 2nd period, Brodeur gave up a goal and put them right back in the game. What a giant boner, Marty!

I just knew the Strangers were going to end up tying it (or worse), so I turned off the TV and went for a jog. I'm going to go through enough frustration during their upcoming playoff series, so why start agonizing early? In the end, they ended up tied in regulation, which was enough for NJ to get home ice. What followed was the most anti-climactic overtime and shootout in the history of the NHL (which I also skipped, and which NJ won by the fake score of 3-2). I guess you had to be there.

But that quick goal got me to thinking: how many goals less than a minute into a period has Brodeur given up? He seems to do it quite often, as if he's not ready or properly focused for some odd reason. Here's the complete game log for this season, and when he gave up these 'quickies':

10/13 @ATL Won 6-5 - 0:22 2nd
10/16 @PIT Won 5-4 - 0:52 2nd
10/25 @NYR Lost 0-2 - 0:57 1st
11/17 @PHI Won 6-2 - 0:27 3rd
11/24 @TB Won 3-2 - 0:35 2nd, 0:36 3rd
12/9 @NYR Lost 0-1 (OT) - 0:30 OT
12/16 PHI Won 4-2 - 0:40 2nd
1/12 @BUF Won 3-2 (SO) - 0:58 1st
1/24 MON Lost 3-4 - 0:29 3rd
2/10 SJ Won 3-2 - 0:35 2nd
2/29 WAS Lost 0-4 - 0:43 3rd
4/2 BOS Won 3-2 (SO) - 0:37 2nd
4/6 NYR Won 3-2 (SO) - 0:19 2nd

In 76 starts, he's done this 14 times, and only 2 on a power play. I don't know if that's a high or low number compared to other goalies, but it seems to be above average, and it's happened enough times to annoy me. The good news is that they win 9 out of 14 games in which he does this.

I'm not sure why I posted this, but I guess what I'm saying is: PAY ATTENTION, MARTY! Sheesh.

As much as I wanted to see one of these games in person, I just can't afford it right now ($100 ticket +$20 parking + tolls/gas, since I will never take the train there again). Of course, the arena will probably be about 30% filled with Rangers fans, unfortunately.

UPDATE (1:30 PM): Though the ROCK tix are already on sale, the Game 3 and 4 tickets at MSG go on sale tomorrow at noon. Hmm, wonder if any will actually be available . . .

WRIST SHOTS: TROPICAL DEPRESSION

Anything would be finer than to be in Carolina this morning.

The Carolina Hurricanes, once a Category 3 in the conference, have been downgraded to a tropical depression and are drifting out to sea. Now they have to wait for the selection committee's decision tonight to see if there is still hope. What? It's a points based playoff system and there IS no selection committee? They're ELIMINATED? Sweet tea with biscuit gravy! That would be like the nearly unbeatable North Carolina Tarheels and Tyler Whitesbrough forgetting to show up in their Final Four game with Kansas. Oops.

A different storm has taken the 'Canes place, the cyclone called the Kapital Komrades. (Hey, who let the Swede and the Canuck in the photo?) In last place at the end of 2007, going down the stretch they tore the Southeast Division a new five-hole winning 14 of 18, and they're not even located in the Southeast (see how silly and misleading the new division names are, Doc Emrick?). Catching up with Carolina and tying them with one game each to play, it's amazing that it came down to beating Florida, which Carolina couldn't manage yet the Kaps could. They won't meet Sidsburgh in the first round (thankfully!), though I much prefer forcing the struggling Sens or the Philthy Lyers to skate face-first into this buzzsaw instead.

What a player Thomas Vanek is! Freed from the burdens of "pressure" and "playoff race" he scored 3 garbage time goals (an "unnecessary hat trick") to meaninglessly lead the Sabres over the Bruins, 3-0. How fantastic of him to step up when it didn't matter. Enjoy rooting for this non-entity for the next whatever number of years (6?), Buffalo.

Meanwhile, Montreal beat Toronto (love the "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" chant at Le Centre Bell with 5 minutes left) to set up an ORIGINAL SIX first round matchup with Boston, which is the way it should be. Typically, the Leaves throw in a cheapshot with less than 5 seconds left in this one (and in their season), with McCabe and Stewart battling with their sticks in an asinine way I can only call Youngblood-esque.



Hey hey hey, goodbye Leaves, you pugilistic pricks.

So it's come down to this: the Strangers visit the Devils in beautiful downtown Newark today to decide home ice in their 4/5 playoff matchup, with a regulation win putting Game 1 in MSG. You know, I hope the Rangers go 8-0 in the regular season and lose to the Devils in the first round, just to prove how little that matters (just like the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS losing to Green Bay and Dallas only to beat them in the playoffs).

I realize this report shows an East Coast bias, but with the fantastic TV deals Bettman's signed that's I'm allowed to see. As it is, I'm watching Chicago play today for maybe the 3rd time this season, which is just as many games 'Hawks fans got to see under the watchful, miserly, cold dead hand of Bill Wirtz. (Hey, I'm sure NBC Sports is broadcast free in Hell.) Welcome to the 20th century, you're finally going to show all 82 games on TV next season. Brilliant.

In closing, screw NBC Sports once again for making Doc Emrick call the inconsequential game in Detroit, meaning he won't be present at the Devils' final home game. How about some "home fan appreciation"?

SABRETOOTH WILL STILL KICK YOUR ASS

Just in case you missed it the first time around; enjoy Sabretooth's glorious destruction of The New Jersey (hahahaha) Devil.

I've got a ton of different things that I want to talk about, and I'll be god damned if I'm going post 5 different times, when I can do it just once. Don't like it? T.S.

* I've been doing a lot of highway driving at night lately and there's something that bugs me (well there's lots of things that "bug me" but there's this one thing in particular). So, picture it, you're on the highway, you're going from city A to city B (for the sake of argument we'll say Bordeaux to Toulouse, since that's where these observations have taken place). So, it's ~250 km between these two fair towns (that's a little bit over 150 miles). You're driving and you have about 200km to go: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED YOUR FUCKING GPS UNIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE? YOU STUPID STUPID PERSON. No, but really. First of all, I think that 90% of people need to spend more time focused on the actual road and less on objects in the vehicle, second, GPS has its uses, but I still prefer an actual road map (which has never told me to turn left on the a highway while going 85mph) and third, even if you need a GPS (I do agree that there are some uses for them, especially in cities), you don't need it to tell you "go straight for...200 miles. Then turn left). I fucking hate this, it's like people who get a new TV and it's the only thing they talk about for like a week...I really hate those people.

*So I was watching the SORNY again last night...and man, I really need to validate my purchase. I'm goign to find a forum where I can tell the world how fucking awesome this thing is. And how I think that my TV magically gets HD broadcasts right with only a SD turner (I read someone who was convinced that this was true).
Has anyone ever noticed this phenomena with recent purchasers of mass-market AV equipment? People always rate their purchase as a 9/10 or 10/10, even though they've only had the TV for a week (well except the people who got a broken one). It's fine for trending (if a lot of TVs are coming back broken, well that's not good), but only an idiot would pay attention to what the purchasers thought.

*I was playing NHL2000 again. After Jeff K's blatant mimicry (it's the best complement they say), I felt the need to kick some Devil ass (like our old friend Sabretooth, who, the public agrees, is definitely kicking ass right now). I played a mini tournament featuring all the NY/NJ teams. I didn't check the difficulty level, but I think, based on the results, that it was on Rookie (2/4). Things went poorly for Eeel-e-ass (it's an NHL officially licensed product too!) and Co. The first round saw each team play once, then a 1-4 seeding with semi and final games. BUF-NJD 6-2, BUF-NYR 11-1, BUF-NYI 8-0. Semifinals BUF-NJD 8-0. Finals BUF-NYI 11-0. Final standings BUF-NYI-NYR-NJD (Ritcher shut the diablos out in the bronze metal game). Miro Satan averaged 3 goals per game. Peca, playing on defense had 2 hat tricks and the Sabres managed to injure 3 of the 5 Islander starters in the Final (somehow I had the Injuries Option Turned "OFF" for most of the tournament). Needless to say, it takes some of the edge off of...

*What the fuck. I mean, there's playing like shit all season, then almost making it at the end, while going out in a blaze of glory (like for example winning out, but not getting any help). And then there's playing like shit all season and then playing like shit in the last 15 games. The fucking Sabres had something like 3 good games this year. Maxim for Men better be traded (yeah, I know, who'll take him and for what? but still) or Darcy Regier is dead to me.

Jeff quoted some stats a few days back, and while I agree that Buffalo's malaise this year can't all be completely attributed to Daniella and Chrissy's departures, Vanek's precipitous drop in numbers can be. He was lined up with Daniella most of last season and a lot of Briere's 63 assists hit Vanek's stick on their way into the net. His +47 last year to -6 this year? I don't know. I don't want to be called a cynic, but he had an entry-level contract last year and he's got $52mil promised over the next 7 now? Meh. He'd better pick it up some next year, I tell ya, I watched a game back when they still had a chance (a week or so back) and he was dogging it something awful on every shift. I like the kid, he's big, he's strong, he can score goals, but he also seems to have a lazy streak that someone of his remuneration should not even consider.

*I would take the Cryers in the playoffs if it meant that the Sens didn't make it. That would make me laugh so much.

*I've watched a few soccer games lately, mostly to see how the LCD handles heavy motion and since it's getting late in the international competitions there aren't any French teams left. So I've been paying attention to the protocol for a French announcer; i.e. who they must support/encourage to win:

1. The French National Team (FNT) vs _________(up to and including God).

2. Former French colony (or country with French-sounding name) vs anyone [except the FNT]

3. French Team vs non-French team in International competition (UEFA, Champions League)

4. Non-French team with French coach vs. non-French team with non-French coach.

5. Non-French team with FNT players vs. non-French team without FNT players

6. Non-French team with French-sounding player (usually from one of the teams in #2) vs. Non-French team without French-sounding player.

7. Non-French team with non-French-sound player who last year had a French player vs Non-French team with non-French-sounding player who did not have a French player last year.

It goes on and on like this, but this is apparently the law as laid down by L'Academie Française. I have no source information, except having watched games on all the major French channels, where every game they need to prove that they follow the above rules; loudly and repetitively.

WRIST SHOTS: BUFFALO BLEU IT

My thumb hurts from flipping between 7 different NHL games last night. Yes, the NHL Centre Ice package was made available to all cable subscribers this week. The reason? Because it's a free trial week for MLB Extra Innings. So wait, why is the hockey free too? Because cable providers are too stupid to figure out how to flip the switches correctly to only give its subscribers one of them, so they just unscrambled everything. Regardless, I got a lot of free surprise hockey last night, the best kind of hockey there is.

The deep fried, hot sauce slathered, blue cheese dipped dream is over: the Buffalo Sabres are done. They completed the choke job by losing to the Habs 3-1 last night, making them one of only 7 teams since 1932 to finish 1st overall one season and miss the playoffs the next. They played with an incredible amount of intensity in the final 10 minutes (when they were already down 3 goals), which begs the question: where was that intensity all season? Huge disappointment. Quote of the night from a fan on Bfloblog: "fuck a comeback - just break someones nose!" Thanks vtTom, that was fantastic.

Meanwhile, let me tell you about Buffalo Bleu chips: they're awesome! From the good people at Kettle Foods, they're A TOUCH OF FIRE AND ICE, with a BRAZEN spice mellowed by BLUE CHEESE. They're crispy and krinkle cut, and they're made with 0 g trans fats. Delicious! Take it from me: Buffalo Bleu it!

Why do Montreal fans at the Bell Centre do the "Olé! Olé-olé-olé!" chant during games? I guess we can add them to the long list of unoriginal fans who have co-opted that stupid, tired soccer chant. And I thought they were more savvy than to follow the latest fad. Mets fans have even started doing it during José Reyes' at-bats at Shea. Enough! (I also hate the "Marty's better!" chant at Devils games, which is sure to rear its ugly head in the playoffs.)

I don't have the CI package (it's not in HD, so why bother), so I think this is maybe only the 2nd time I've seen Detroit all year. That's a crime, and I have Bettman to thank for that (at least I'm not in Canada where they force fans to PPV for select games). Anyway, the Wings locked up another Presidents Trophy last night, setting themselves up for another playoff disappointment. Zetterberg's winning goal -- from behind the net, flipping it up and rebounding it off CBJ goalie Leclaire's back with 14 seconds left -- was pretty artful, I have to say. I saw that they were running a promotion for the playoffs, something along the lines of "What crazy thing would you do for a luxury box?" Personally, I would wear a Devils jersey and walk around Detroit taunting Red Wings fans! Oooo, that's crazy.

Ovechkin is a great player (there's obviously no debate there), but is there a chance the Kaps rely on him a little too much? I mean, it's a team sport and he can't be out there on every shift. This stat from the Slap Shot blog is interesting: if you combine shots made and missed, no one has the puck on their stick more than Ovie, by a long shot.

Player (Team): Shots/Missed/Total
Ovechkin (WAS): 436/196/632
O Jokinen (FLA): 338/112/450
Zetterberg (DET): 344/105/449

He's taken nearly 100 more shots than the next guy in the league, and missed more shots than most players take all year. That's absurd. Naturally, his shooting percentage isn't very high; while players like Malkin and Kovalchuk connect 17-18% of the time, Ovie is only at 12.2%. All I'm saying is, maybe the Kaps would be in the playoffs already if the majority of their offense wasn't merely him skating in circles trying to create a scoring chance for himself. There's always one jerk at open hockey who does that (Palice's Tom "Fucking" Bailey, I'm looking in your direction), and leaves you begging him to pass it around a little so the rest of us could improve our game. (BTW, we're pronouncing it wrong: it's "uh-VEECH-kin".) In other words, if they meet up with a good goalie, I see a first round exit. However, if it's Conklin/Marc-Andre Fleury . . .

With Nashville winning and Vancouver losing, we've lost yet another Canadian squad to the Confederate Menace. After they scored the 3rd goal to pretty much seal it, they played a country song which I couldn't possibly name. (Every song sounds like Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places" to me.) I have to admit, it was frightening, like hockey being played some bizarro world. It looks like hockey, but they probably deep fry and eat the pucks afterwards in some weird ritual.

So now the 8 teams in the Campbell Conference are set. In the Wales race, the Rangers are in, and I guess it's up to NJ tonight to help keep Philthy out of it. Will they steal back the 8th spot from suddenly surging Kaps, or get the butt end of the stick?



Oops. Hey, things like that will happen, what can you do?

One other question to the Devils: WHY IS MARTY STILL PLAYING??? You know, I'm pretty sure they have a backup that can come in and give him his first day off since January 6th. Or not. Suit yourself.

I have no idea what the hell this "player rankings" chart means (I guess this is based on just straight player statistics, and not performance or wins), but the Devils are 1st, Rangers are 4th and the Red Wings are 18th. The top team in the East,Sidsburgh is way down at 22nd. Huh, I guess these stats are pretty meaningless.

Coming soon: OPEN HOCKEY NHL PLAYOFF PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

WRIST SHOTS: IF YOU'RE NOT SICK OF THE KID YET, JUST WAIT

It's headlines like this that make me hate all sports reporters: Crosby helps Penguins win first division title in 10 years. Despite the fact that he was hurt for almost 30 games, he carried this team! Oh, and there's this guy named Malkin (did I spell that right?) who has played every game, and might have scored a few goals (like, 40-something) here or there too. But none as handsome and photogenic as this goal:



OH, SID! I could never stay mad at you. What would be better than a first round Pens/Kaps matchup? A second round matchup! (See what I did there?)

Yeah, that was a Devils goal by Zubrus that "replay" missed and Thomas nicely blocked from view. Imagine if someone doesn't make the playoffs because Boston got that charity point . . . ?

Devils PxP man Mike "Doc" Emrick said something in passing last night about the "silly" names that the divisions used to have, like "Patrick Division", and how names like "Atlantic Division" make much more sense. Has he ever heard of "tradition"? Has he been brainwashed by Bettman? This is about the only thing I've found so far that I don't like about Doc (that and his career with the Flyers). Hey, how about you just call the game and leave your silly opinions to someone else? I care more about what Chico thinks about the quality of the nachos at The Rock. (HE LIKES IT! HEY MIKEY!)

Devils playoff tickets are on sale! I repeat, Devils playoff tickets are on sale! Yes, I got two emails this week. Most other teams don't have to send multiple notices like this, as they usually sell out before the email gets to my inbox. Hockey in downtown Newark remains a tough sell, however. They want you to ROCK YOUR RED, "joining the legion" by wearing red to the playoffs. Sounds like a dirty Communist plot to me.

As we all know, the Senators once had a 7 point lead in the Wales Conference, and now they're in danger of missing the playoffs. They couldn't blow it, could they? COULD THEY?

The Habs will beat the Swordswallowers tonight to put an end to that dream. And who keeps voting for Sabretooth? I had no idea you were such huge fags fans. You know that attack on the Devil was photoshopped, right? The source photo (at left) shows him gayly jumping around on the lawn in front of some McMansion, probably rented out for some brat kid's 10 year old birthday party. No swords, no killing (unfortunately). Anyway, don't worry, after tonight you'll be free to frolic, Toothy. (Wow, that's an autographed photo. That must be worth . . . nothing.)

Everyone seems to be slagging Nashville, because they're in the way of Vancouver (Godforbid, a team from Canada!) making the playoffs and losing in the first round. I am all for them making it, because not only do they have players with silly names like Legwand, Bonk and Tootoo, they have Vernon Fiddler. I picture him barefoot with a big hillbilly beard and overalls, madly fiddling on the porch of an old shack while the locals dance and swig moonshine. Sort of like this:



If they don't make the postseason, he could always return to his violin gigs. HEY VERN!

Last but not least the Rangers are in with a win tonight at the Mausoleum, where they meet the Icelanders. It should be interesting/scrappy/chippy/bloody. One thing I know for sure: POTVIN SUCKS.

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO MARTY LIKE IT'S 2002

After Kris decided to dust off his SORNY Playstation (the newest gaming technology available in France, apparently) and play some NHL 2000 on his new SORNY TV (and brag about beating the Devils, and about how much better his fake Sabres team is vs. the real one), I decided that I had to reply. Little did he know that he's stirred the pot, awoken the beast and created a monster: last night I found my PC copy of NHL 2002. This could get ugly.

I haven't played it in about 3 years, and it was pretty funny seeing Super Mario (Lemieux, not the Nintendo star) on the cover. While not as immediately enjoyable as NHL '94, graphically stunning as NHL 2001 for PS2, or as slick and shiny as NHL 08, this game was fun to play, not overly glitchy and endlessly customizable. I even had my "ditties" (clips of songs you upload that play during stoppages) still on the hard drive. While NHL 98 was an excellent showcase of what a PC hockey game could be, this edition may have been the last solid NHL game that EA released on the PC.

However, it wasn't a simple process to just "play a game" on my old computer. First, I had to reinstall it, and find the old box which had the EA registration code on it (ugh). Then I had to find a driver for the gamepad (which I had actually bought as a backup but never used), and download the newest rosters I could find (2005-06 season). Was it worth it? Yes it was. (Or was it?)

I set up a quick game of Sabres @ Devils at the Continental Breakfast Arena, playing at difficulty level 2 (it goes from 1 to 4, where 4 = frigging impossible). As I began to play I realized that this was the first NHL videogame I've ever played where I didn't have Scott Stevens playing D for the Devils--and I didn't like it at all. One thing I did notice that always bothered me about the game is the weird computer AI whenever one of their wingers skates towards the goal with the puck. Instead of going directly at the goal, 80% of the time the player would skate straight north-south (as if he was in a bubble hockey slot) to almost the goal line, and then make a sharp right angle cut. If you could hit him or knock him off the puck before he was able to get off a pass into the slot, you were fine. If you didn't, there was a good chance they'd score a one-timer goal. Very odd. Also, the goalies are pretty dumb about covering up the puck around the crease, and seem to ignore it while it sits on the outside of the net. Otherwise, it's a solid game (if you can ignore Don Taylor's silly color commentary).

As I was slowly relearning the game controls on the weird new (to me) gamepad, I was getting badly outshot/outhit (I had a lot of shots AT goal, which dammit, NHL 2002 doesn't keep track of). On one side, you had a great Sabres squad with Drury, Danielle and Maxim for Men (who must have a "speed rating" of 99). The home team was a so-so Devils group, with Gomez, Gionta and Madden, but also Grant Marshall (on the first line?), Mogilny (who barely played that season) and Kozlov (who in typical Russian fashion, dogged it all year) and spotty defense. However, the Devils still had Marty in goal so it all added up to a 4-0 shutout. (Sounds like their entire team history since 1994.) I checked later, and the Devils' team rating was actually one point higher than Buffalo, though seemed like they didn't have as much talent. I made Miller look silly on a Gomez breakaway, and on the final Langenbrunner goal, which he seemed to give up on (realism!) standing almost straight up as the puck sailed by like a Frisbee. He also looked silly wearing a black/red mask and pads with the blue/gold 3rd jersey, but that's not important when your save % is only .810.






Once I remember how to play (and lay down the BIG HIT), I'm going to switch to a higher difficulty level and perhaps start a playoff tournament with all of this season's teams in the mix.

(Anyone out there have the latest rosters for 2007-08?)

WRIST SHOTS: SHOOT FIRST, TRANSLATE LATER

Whew. The Devils are in. I never doubted it for a second. (Ha.)

Everyone in New Jersey can breathe a sigh of relief, unless they're near the chemical refineries in Elizabeth, where I don't recommend breathing at all. Now Weekes can take on Boston tonight, Marty can sit back with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts, and everyone (except the rest of the league, who doesn't want to face Marty) can relax. It's going to be all right. A lot can change in the next 3 games, but they're currently in the 4/5 matchup with . . . the Rangers. (Uh oh.)

I hate the way teams dog it with 5 minutes left in regulation in a tie game. This is what seemed to happen in the Devils' 2-1 OT win on the Island last night, and the Devils ended it by scoring about 14 milliseconds into the extra frame. How annoying. Joey MacDonald stopped 45 of 47 shots for the Isles . . . wait, who? Is he occasional Isles play-by-play man Jiggs MacDonald's son? Just like seeing a young pitcher for the first time, the Devils couldn't figure out how to beat him until going through the lineup a few times. Sure, it was nice to see them shoot more, but that doesn't automatically mean they're going to score more.

Other headlines: Buffalo still alive for playoffs after shootout win. Is it still April Fools Day? I thought the Flyers were suspended and the Sabres were in the playoffs . . . ? So they've have figured out how to win in the shootout? Now I've heard everything! Maybe someone finally told them it counts the same as a real win, because thanks to Maxim for Men's skills competition goal they are still alive. On the other had, no thanks to his severe dropoff in scoring this year--they might have won enough games already to make it elementary.

BTW, let's take a look at the main Sabre offenders: Maxim and Vanek.

2006-07 Maxim: 23-38-61, +19, 56 games (1.09 PPG)
2007-08 Maxim: 10-18-28, -14, 54 games (0.52 PPG)

2006-07 Vanek: 43-41-84, +47, 82 games (1.02 PPG)
2007-08 Vanek: 33-28-61, -5, 80 games (0.76 PPG)

This illustrates, at least to me, that these two aren't exactly "gamers". Maxim's point production has really fallen off, but how about Vanek's plus-minus? That's a precipitous drop. I'm guessing that the harsh reality of living in Buffalo, with its utter lack of Eurodisco nightlife and acid-washed Levis, is really starting to take its toll on these guys. Meanwhile, Derek Roy has been worth his weight in gold, having a career year with 32-46-78, +14 in 76 games. Regardless of the number crunching, if the Kapital Komrades stop winning games, they might have a shot. So the Sabres are alive . . . just like the Kansas City Royals are still alive for that World Series run.

Montreal has won their division for the first time since 1991-92, as Ottawa continues their choke-job (if they miss the playoffs after starting 15-2, that would be something). However, they have some serious injury issues, and a rookie goaltender, going into the playoffs. I will be visiting Montreal the first weekend in May for a bachelor party (CLUB SUPER SEXE!) and I predict that they will no longer be playing hockey by then. Just a hunch.

In the "dead" column (CBS Sportsline still has them listed as "alive"--WAKE UP!): the Edmonton Oilers, whose milkshake has been finally sucked dry (SPOILER ALERT!) after losing 3-2 to their not-so-neighborly Alberta nemesis, thanks to "two Calgary flukes" (as the Sun puts it, the big babies). They were this season's ultimate tease as they kept their fans (falsely) believing they still had a shot through 81 games and 15 (HOLY CRAP!) shootout wins. At least the Edmonton Sun has a contingency plan to keep their readers occupied: "In Tomorrow's Paper, Tanya Enberg talks naughty in Sex Files." That should thaw things out nicely.

All of this playoff points race nonsense is exactly what Bettman and the league wants: hype. The cartoonish points system that gives away "charity" points gives the illusion that your team is still in it (or about to be eliminated). Like a stripper giving you a lap dance at a club, she makes it seem like she's really into you, and you foolishly think you have a chance with her . . . but at the end of the night you're just tired and frustrated and want your money back. But you might as well lead the fans on to the bitter end, because more fans who believe = more fans who show up at the games = more money. As you know, money based on bullshit is just as easy to spend as money well earned. The lesson is, as always, Bettman sucks.

A faithful reader (thanks, Ashley!) has made me aware of Bon Cop, Bad Cop, a 2006 "Canadian comedy-thriller buddy cop film" (is this a popular genre?) wherein a Quebecois cop and an English Canadian cop relunctantly join forces to solve a string of hockey related murders, which sounds like "Rush Hour" meets "Strange Brew" (okay, that's the only other "Canadian" movie I know). The pro hockey league in the movie is loosely based on the NHL and several characters are thinly veiled parodies of real life figures including "commissioner Harry Buttman", who is allegedly portrayed as weasly as his real life counterpart. I have no idea where I could find this movie outside of Canada (maybe I could borrow it next time I'm in Nova Scotia?) and I'm sure some of the jokes would be lost on me, but it sounds funny. I like the tagline "Shoot First, Translate Later".

SORNY BRAVARIA + NHL 2000 = KICKING THE DEVILS' ASSES

I got my authentic Sorny TV yesterday and since I rarely watch TV, I was kind of flipping around watching the Simpsons dubbed into French (Homerpoloza is a great episode, by the way) and bad French rap...Until I realized, I still have a PS1 somewhere. And NHL 2000 to go with it.

I played a warm up game against the Cryers, which ended poorly, for them. 5-1 Sabres, with Miro Satan getting 2G and 2Assists. After a little bit of dealing (man I love NHL 2000) in which the Canadian National Team traded me Joe Sakic for some benchwarmer and the Czech Republic team traded Jagr to me for...I don't even remember: A fifth line center, I think. We faced Dave Anderchyuk and the NJ Devils!

Bad night for Marty, giving up 3 goals on 27 shots (had an empty netter too), but that's the way it goes. Michael Peca even checked Scott Stevens through the glass. They were firing on all cylinders!

PHILTHY MEMO KICKS FLYERS OUT OF PLAYOFFS

I hope there's enough room in that penalty box for an entire hockey team and its management.

In an unprecedented move, the NHL has taken disciplinary action this morning against the Philadelphia Flyers for their dirty play this season. In light of new evidence found, the entire team has been suspended and barred from participating in postseason play, as outlined by Senior VP/Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell and commissioner Gary Bettman. Wow.

Apparently, an interoffice memo within the Flyers organization, thought to have been co-written by current Senior VP/former GM Bobby Clarke, has been discovered entitled "Restoring Honor: Philadelphia Flyers 2007-08". This outline essentially instructs players to play borderline illegal hockey in order to win, regardless of current NHL rules and practices. Some choice quotes include such instructions as: "increase your hitting, without regard to current imposed NHL limitations", "follow through on all your checks, using your stick or elbow if necessary", "continue to intimidate well after the whistle has blown", with the caveat that "referees cannot call every infraction". This is all expected to add up to "the restoration of the honor and pride of the Flyers organization, using our collective will, strength and intimidation". As a result of this damning set of instructions, the league took the "only recourse that would deter any further league infractions", according to Sherriff Campbell's statement. No response has been released by the Flyers as of yet.

None of this comes as a complete shock to me, as they've been "on notice" all season. Despite my obvious bias as a Devils fan, I'm not alone in feeling that Philthy is (and has been) as dirty as they come, as players like Jesse Boulerice and Steve Downie seemingly to have no respect for the game or the livelihood of their opponents. It turns out that management is complicit in this, as I suspected all along. However, as satisfying as the punishment is, the solution to this problem was rather eye-opening: not only have the Flyers have been banned from the Stanley Cup playoffs, but the Sabres have been awarded their playoff spot (#8 seed). Are you kidding me? What is the reason? "As the reigning President's Troohy winner, we felt it was only fair to reward [a playoff birth to] the Sabres organization, who have always acted with the utmost professionalism both on and off the ice," Bettman said in an early morning press conference. "We also wanted to reward the loyal Buffalo hockey fans, who are the greatest fans on the planet!" Unfortunately, he was not standing at center ice at the HSBC Arena when declaring this, and not surprisingly there was no effusive applause from the collected members of the sports media. As it turns out, Bettman still sucks.

So because the Sabres have a low number of suspensions this year, that's the sole requirement to play extra games? What about having 2 fewer points than the Kapital Komrades? That doesn't enter into it? I can't believe I'm torn about this decision, as I've been calling for the league to hand down meaningful punishment on Flyers management since the preseason. On second thought, forget about my apprehension, I'm all for it. Hopefully, this will be an actual deterrent and teams will realize that they cannot hide behind dirty play and intimidation in lieu of talent and teamwork.

Flyers suspension press conference - NHL Video - April 1, 2008 [YouTube]

UPDATE (10:00 PM): I forgot to add . . . APRIL FOOLS!