ALL CYNICISM ASIDE, THIS IS A GREAT IDEA

I was looking for more Random Youtubery candidates on youtube and I happened to watch this video for Noon Solar Bags. Yes, the chicks look like hippies and yeah, on the face of it, this is a silly idea, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is really an idea that have great potential to break out. Most Prius people drive Prii because their friends and family know that, short of being BFF with Al Gore, the Prius is the single best way to stop global warming. Yes, this may shock some people, but some "environmentalists" are actually in it for the image.

What better way to say "I'd fuck Al Gore" than to walk around with a solar panel on your bag? This may further shock some of you, but nearly half of their resellers are in Los Angeles, where down-to-earth is something that can be bought at Starbucks with an Organic, Free-Trade Latte. In their FAQ's they even tell you how you have to use it, to get maximum battery charging:

Place it in your window at work or home, face the panel towards the sun at a café, or walk/bike around town with the panel exposed.

Yep, the best way to use it is 100% compatible with telling the world that they can stick their Nalgene bottle right up their ass, because you've got a solar-fucking-panel on your bag. No coal was burnt to power your BlackBerry or your iPod and no petroleum was used to make your bag.

Of course in keeping with their target market, it is delivered with a USB cable, an iPod charger cable and they are allegedly working on a big enough battery to power a laptop.

I truly think that this is, from a business perspective, a brilliant idea. You can not tap into people's greenwashing, faddish nature enough in 2008. Toyota is virtually untouchable on environmental issues, even though they sell one full-size pickup truck and a whole shitload of SUVs. Prius = Good.

I do think that pratically I would like to see a product that could charge a battery in 4-6 hours that could power my laptop for 2-3 hours. I don't see much use in being able to charge my iPod or cell phone (I'm OCD with my phone battery, so I rarely have a problem there) and I'm sure that there are much more practical products out there for iPods, but this type of product does have a certain level of promise.

No word on the price, but I would assume you could buy a cheap laptop (or a few iPods) for the same price as they are charging for these babies.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: LAY ON THE ICE LIKE A BROAD

This video made its way around the interwebs a few years ago, but you can never watch Canadians insulting Canadians too much.

As I didn't follow hockey in the early 90s, I'm not 100% sure of the characters, but I am lead to believe that Canuck Bryan Trottier and Kevin Stevens use every word in the book against fellow Canuck Brian Bellows.

[Obviously NSFW language]

YOU LOST ME

This video is hilarious: "LOST" summed up in 4 minutes 24 seconds.



"Sun is pregnant but Jin is sterile--what's up with that?"
"They see Jack play football with Mr. Friendly. Mr. Friendly throws like a girl."
"Jack has a screwdriver for breakfast."

Of course, there are a whole bucket load of details it leaves out (LOSTPEDIA takes care of that), but overall it sums up the ABC show's storyline quite succinctly. So if you haven't seen it yet, you have no excuse now. Conversely, if you never watched it now you know why. Either way, let's face it, there's really nothing else to watch.

WRIST SHOTS: ROOT, ROOT, ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM?

When you have a rooting interest and your team loses in the first round, it's hard to give a shit and write about hockey. The Great Wyshynski manages to plug away despite the Devils demise, but then again he gets a paycheck. I'm going to agree with the fans at MSG: Brodeur played like complete crap during this series. He stunk on ice in the five games, letting in some softies en route to a 2.98 GAA, and let Sean "Fucking" Avery get under his skin, even (rightfully) snubbing him during the handshake. All season I knew this Devils team isn't that good, but I thought they were at least good enough to beat an enigmatic and erratic Rangers team, led by Jaromir "What The Fuck Is The Euro Trash Beard On Your Face" Jagr. I know Marty had a great regular season, but just how many times will there be a "next year" for him?

All I know is that I'm suddenly surrounded by Rangers fans who weren't here in October, which proves this town is filled with more fair-weather fans than ever before. I can't wait for these people can go back to watching the Yankees or the stock market or whatever they were doing before discovering last week that New York City has a hockey team. But you know what? Despite the fact they knocked off my team I'm going to be a man and actually root for the Rangers to represent the Wales, or at least go down fighting. That's right, the very team that eliminated my team (essentially, this was payback for the 2006 sweep). How many Rangers fans would root for the Devils if the situation was reversed? I'm thinking approximately zero, since all of them thought it funny to say things like: "Thanks for all the home games in Newark" (screw Newark, you can have it) and "Marty sucks!" (overall, he doesn't, and as good as he is Lundqvist will never match his ridiculous career stats). Yes, I'm hoping New York buries anyone they come across, especially if it's the Philthy Lyers. In fact I would love a Montreal/Rangers Original Six matchup, if I had to chose right now.

(Of course I'm also rooting for Avery to fall down a flight of stairs and break his skull, but that's a different, more personal story. Oh, and Rangers fans who call the Devils goalkeeper "Martha" can also fall in front of a NJ Transit train on their way out of Newark for all I care.)

* Golf season may be on hold for Tiger Woods, but it just started for me on Friday (I played in Maine, no less!), a day earlier than the Devils. (Actually, how many hockey players actually play golf? They always make the "tee time" joke this time of year, but I don't think many of them play.)

* Meanwhile, if the Lyers and Massholes both win tonight I could go 0-for-the-Wales Conference with my blognostications (again, I feel sorry for you if you listened to me). Out in the Campbell, I managed to correctly pick the Red Wings, Stars (to "upset" the Ducks), and the Avalanche (to upset the Wild). I'm so happy for Willa Ford, who chose to marry an American hockey player who led his team to a first round win. I'm so ecstatic that I had to post another picture of Mrs. Mike Modano.



* With Osgood now taking over for the Red Wings, is Hasek done? I see him going back to Buffalo next year to back up Miller, just like old times. The Ray Emery era is over for the Sens, which leads me to ask: was there ever a Ray Emery era? No, no there wasn't, as you have to accomplish something in order to have an "era" named after you.

* In their continuing effort to completely shit all over tradition, the NHL will fine anyone $10,000 for spinning around any octopi. In other words, Bettman sucks.

* Chris Pronger spent his teams' final minute of play where he belongs: in the penalty box, feeling shame after getting called for cross checking. Have a shitty summer, Chris!

* By the way, Marty, Henrik and Nabby have been named the Vezina Trophy finalists. Here's the breakdown:
BRODEUR: 2.17, .920, 4 SO, 44-27-6
LUNDQVIST: 2.23, .912, 10 SO, 37-24-10
NABAKOV: 2.14, .910, 6 SO, 46-21-8

It's a close race, and though my East Coast Bias says it's between Marty and Henrik . . . I think Nabakov will win it.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: HUET'S TWO-HAND SAVE

I know that this video is from last week but I couldn't find it on Friday and I try to avoid touching my computer over the weekend.

My favorite part of this video is Huet reading the play and dropping his stick before the shot is even made. Yeah the save it good and all, but it's his read on the play that I like.

WALL-MOUNTED SORNY: THE KAPITALS DEFEAT THE CRYERS

My newly-wall-mounted SORNY played host to the showing of Game 5 as the Komrades defeated the Lyers to send the series to a sixth game.

The craptacular duo of Pierre MacGuire and Mike Milbury suck as much as always and the streaming video left some to be desired (I lost the puck multiple times due to the pixelization), but the game was live and I managed to watch it on the TV...It was almost like old times, watching live hockey in the states.





















Yes, those cables will be gone sooner or later. As with everything in my house, it won't be easy because I have to drill through the wall, then the a layer of sheetrock, a layer of fiberglass insulation and a thick piece of wood, but it'll be awesome once I have shelves build and the cables hidden.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY BONUS: OMG! HE DID WHAT?

I don't know who I'll be voting for come November, but it's much less like to be Barack Obama [bin Laden] now that he's done the on-the-sly middle finger salute to Queen Hillary.

Wait, I got that wrong, I'd be more likely to vote for him.

However, since we don't like our politicians to have a sense of humor, we're bound to hear people screaming "Won't someone think of the children."



[LA Times Blogs via the Farking Farkers at Fark.com]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

I've been saying for years that "Knocked Up" would have benefited from a reduced amount of Seth Rogen...no wait; I've been saying that it would have benefited from a reduced amount of Judd Apatow, meh, it was crap either way.

Anyway: If they had avoided Rogen and gone with Michael Cera, I think I could have liked the movie more (although it still would have been a Judd Apatow production). Unfortunately there were apparent creative differences between Cera and Judd (and it doesn't look like Cera got along with Katherine Heigl much after this little incident).

Moderately NSFW language unless your boss likes f-bombs, in which case it's completely SFW.



Who's...hey can anyone find...who's directing this movie? does anyone know?
You know what, Mike, why don't you direct yourself?

You know what? I'm fucking tired of your bullshit - you're a fucking asshole. Your show isn't even on the air anymore!

Mark this day in your books. I wrote about Judd Apatow without hate.

[EDIT: you didn't think I could make it through an entire post without some Apatow-hate: Apparently "Apatow" has been adjectified apatovian made an appearance in Slate. Fuck Judd afterall]

WRIST SHOTS: BEAR WITH ME

The Bruins have a secret weapon to help them beat Les Habitants tonight.



There's nothing in the NHL rule book that prohibits it, so it's all perfectly legal (just like Avery's antics, or Barry Bonds sticking a needle in his ass). The Bruins have reportedly signed him to a 12 year/$48 million deal, and the Russian Superleagues are outraged. I fully expect Colin Campbell to add an "unsportmanslike ursine" penalty to stop such egregious wrongdoing in the future.

Yeah, I'm phoning it in too. Let's just mention quickly:

* Marty flopped and dove his way to an embarrassing Game 4 loss last night (or so I've heard, I didn't watch one second of it and I feel better for it) as Staal's winner gave the Rangers a virtually insurmountable 3-1 series lead (and made up for his Game 3 off-the-skate-own-goal-in-OT).

* Some might say the Sens played lifeless hockey, that they're gutless, or their star players didn't step up, but I say this is the real reason they were swept:



I don't know where to start with that, but it appears that Sens Army is ambiguously gay and into cosplay. The part where the helmet falls down cracks me up everytime (next time go with JOFA instead of RBK). I'm just really pissed that I didn't picked them to lose in the first round, which is what I do every year! I'll show myself out.

* But not before mentioning that the Preds tied up the series with the Red Wings last night. As you can see, Maranda is really excited about this!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE INEVITABILITY OF GRAVITY

Rally racing is my favorite type of racing because it's a much bigger test of driver skill than many of the other types of track-based racing. A traditional rally takes place over a few days with varying types of road surface over 100s of kilometers and the driver is totally reliant on his co-driver who made one quick pass over the road at the beginning of the rally and now must guide the car at 100mph+.

Formula 1 is all about which manufacturer has the biggest budget for engineering. NASCAR is based on turning left and driving straight. There are some types of racing that are more interesting, like touring cars and the like, but overall, I like rally racing best (and V-Rally2 is by far the best racing game ever made for Playstation).

One of the other reasons that rally racing rocks is that you always have cars flying into things (or people), flipping upside-down (they generally continue after a helping hand from the crowd - try that with your Toyota!) and other crazy shenangans. However, after this little journey, I don't think that the driver of this Peugeot 206 kept going.



In case you were wondering, yes, I'm phoning this one in today. I forgot about it until just now (5pm CET) and don't have the time or energy to find anything else.

WRIST SHOTS: YEEEEEOUCH!

Since I don't have any real hockey comments today, here's a picture of Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby in a rather interesting pose.


(Photo by Dave Sandford/Getty Images)

If I tried to do that while playing hockey, my groin would completely detach from my body. YEEEEEOUCH! Expect a sweep of the lifeless Senators tonight.

One other note: Greg Wyshynski, formerly of the Deadspin NHL Closer, is over at the Exclamation Point now as part of the elite circle known as Yahoo! NHL Experts blog. Good to see a Jersey boy doing well. If you can, steer your browser in the proper direction (after taking the jughandle) and check out his fine work. (Mr. W is not affiliated with Yahoo! Answers.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: SEXUAL HARASSMENT CAN BE FUNNY + BONUS DYHP

[Update: This video seems to be having problems. I hope the internets fix the problem]

Directed by my favorite director ever - Judd Apatow - Hayden Panettiere tells us, umm, something. I believe she is talking or something about whatever...ummm. Is she 18?

I just checked it. It turns out that you, our faithful readers, are legally required to drool. She's been 18 for almost 9 months.



[Funnyordie via Slate]

Even though Jeff generally does the DON'T YOU HATE PANTS postings (and does them better) I can't ignore her apparent extreme aversion to pants.

LEGAL ALERT: EMMA WATSON

By an overwhelming margin (32%) you voted for more "broads" on this website, and we're all about giving you what you want here on the Open Hockey Blog. So here's Emma Watson, who plays li'l Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies. Most importantly, she just turned 18 today!



Yeah, she's not really that "hot" compared to Those Who Hate Pants, but I like to think of her as Lindsay Lohan's straight-laced, pasty-white British cousin (you've all been forced to watch the remake of The Parent Trap, right?). She's the Anti-Lohan! That is, until she moves to Hollywood and gets all whored up. Look for that to happen once the Harry Potter checks stop coming.

One quick question: once a chick becomes legal, is it okay to leer at pictures of her taken when she was younger? I need a ruling on this, because I've got some pictures of Hayden Panettiere (who turned legal last August) on file.

YAHOO! ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS WITH MORE QUESTIONS

"between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99"

This cryptic message has been showing up at the tail end of everyone's emails using the Yahoo! Mail service today. I have no idea what it means, but it looks like a date format to me. Since normally there's an ad for some various Yahoo! service in that place, I'm guessing that has to do with the dates the ad is supposed to run.

Not satisfied with my own conclusion, I decided to search the trusty World Web WebberNets and The Goog. My search for the answer just served to illustrate to me the uselessness of the ironically named Yahoo! Answers website. Jeepers, the moronic posts that people put up there simply boggle the mind, and virtually none of them are a correct answer or even the slightest bit helpful. Oh, and if you don't have the answer DON'T POST NONSENSE TO WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME. This goes for people who say, "Yeah, I'm having the problem too" or "Maybe it's an error." Maybe? That's your answer? MAYBE?

Some people have said it's a social security number, but it's not the right format (000-00-0002: damn you, Roosevelt). Others have assumed it has something to do with tax day, but what exactly? All I know is those two answers above were the most intelligent I found. Maybe "0000-00-00" means "rock" and "9999-99-99" means "hard place", which is as good as any answer on this pointless site.

In other words, Yahoo! Answers should really be called "Yahoo! Wild Speculations With No Basis In Fact". (Don't even get me started about subjective questions posited on the site, like "Is A-Rod the best baseball player ever?" which has no definitive answer.) And there's always some smartass whose solution to the problem is "Stop sending emails". I want to virtually slap your dumb looking avatar's face, you cyberdouche.

Here's the real reason: it's an SQL bug caused by someone inputting the dates of the Yahoo! ad incorrectly. Which brings me back to my original conclusion. What a waste of time. Thanks, Internet!

Here are some other open burning questions on Yahoo! Answers, with my astute (and correct) answers:

Q. Help! I'm italian....?
A: That's your parents' fault.

Q. Would you like to help me plz : )?
A. No thanks.

Q. Why do you think Jesus Christ went back to Heaven rather than staying here on Earth?
A. He couldn't find any parking spaces.

Q. Whats the best metal Magazine?
A. Practical Welding Today is my favorite, though you can't go wrong with any of the ASM Technical Journals like Metallurgical and Material Transactions and Alloy Digest.

Q. Dry, Red Patches on Face?
A. No I don't have any, but thanks for asking.

Q. What are your?
A. Mine are.

Q. ???????????
A. !!!!!!!!!!!

Q. puck bunny?
A. Yes, please!

ADVERTISING DEATH

Very quick hate post:

There are many ways to sell life insurance: Guilt, fear...ummm, guilt and fear. Ok maybe there aren't a ton of ways to sell life insurance, but one way NOT to sell life insurance is humor:


















I mean seriously, who wrote this shit copy? At least the standard, "what-would-your-beautiful-wife-and-2.5-kids-do-if-you-disappeared-in-a-puff-of-smoke" makes people realize that they need to protect their family; even if it's exploitive, but this is just fucking dumb.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE PENULTIMATE BEER

SABMillerCoors (or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves these days) hit the trifecta this morning. Someone bought an old repro porcelain sign of the "Girl on the Moon" from my store, I some how got tricked into watching that "cat fight" ad again and a banner ad for "Miller Lite: The Ultimate Beer" was displayed on CBS Sportsline (which, per Jeff, will not be linked here).

It got me thinking about a couple of things:
1. Is Miller Lite ever the right choice?
2. What happened to the classy advertising of beer like The Girl on the Moon?
3. Who the fuck would buy a beer with corn syrup in it?

The answer is "Not Me," but that's beside the point. Here's a "Champagne of Beers" commercial from what (I guess) is from the mid-50s. I'm not sure what's more disturbing, how absolutely whipped our fathers (or grandfathers for some of us) were, the fact people thought Miller High Life was acceptable to serve with a "fancy" dinner, or Harry telling his beer that he'd be right back.




The funny thing about all this is that I don't have a overwhelmingly negative image of Miller High Life (Miller Lite, yes; Ultra, yes). If I was in a bar and it was Bud, Coors or High Life, I'd be a Miller Man for one day. Hoo-ray Marketing!

[Update: After checking out Ratebeer (2nd percentile) and Beeradvocate (C), I may just stick with tap water if I was in a bar that had Bud, Coors and Miller High Life]

WRIST SHOTS: THE ICE IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

I've had a chance to watch a little of each of the playoff series during these NHL playoffs, and I have to admit: the Rangers and Devils are by far playing the crappiest hockey out of anyone in the first round. The three games so far have been grinding, sloppy, chippy and unexciting, as equal attention has been given to both Sean Avery's jackassery and his goal scoring, and only Lundqvist has earned his cheers . . . which have been most loudly heard in the Devils' building by visiting Rangers fans. Unlike previous postseason matchups between these two cross-river rivals, this plodding series will not go down as a classic.

Everywhere else you look, there is simply more compelling and better played hockey. (Really, Kris, the rest of the hockey has been pretty good.)

* The Predators have just capped off an unlikely comeback at the hands of the Red Wings, scoring two goals in 9 seconds against "The Decentator" in the 3rd to take the lead, then adding an empty netter in a 5-3 Game 3 home win.

Interesting fact: #22 Jordin Tootoo, born on 2/2, has scored 22 career goals for Nashville, and currently has 2 goals (2 points) in 2 playoff games.

* Pittsburgh and Ottawa had a combined 84 shots in a 5-3 Sidsburgh win last Friday, which sounds like an exciting game and a Bettman wet dream. Tonight, they've put a strangehold on the series, going up 3-0.

* The Stars skated circles around a flat-webfooted Ducks team as they won Game 2 by a score of 5-2.

* AARP member/Flames goalie Curtis Joseph was dusted off after Kipper gave up 3 goals against the circling Sharks, and was the beneficiary of 4 unexplained goals by the home team in the 4-3 win. Patrick Marleau wonders where his little brown doggy is after this hit.



* Montreal got an Game 2 OT thriller from Kovalev, but got wicked shawked the next night in Beantown by an OT winner by Marc "Brokeback" Savard, to slim Les Habs series lead to 2-1.

Meanwhile, the news out of New York is "Avery act prompts NHL to amend unsportsmanlike rule". So yeah, the Devils/Rangers has not at all been fun to watch, and this is the shitty icing on the garbage cake. I think I'm done with it unless it somehow gets to a Game 7. However, I see the Rangers taking this thing in 5, as I try to play some golf before the Devils take all the good tee times.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ...AND DEN YOU GET FREE EDITION

Jeff's "Avery is a Douche" post got me thinking about Slapshot and what a funny movie that was and how I need to buy a DVD player so I can watch it again on the new SORNY.

It was actually Newman's harassment of the opposing tender that got me thinking "Hanrahan, Suzanne sucks pussy!" and I ended up spending over a half hour checking out clips various Hanson's clips (did you know that Dave coaches youth hockey near Pittsburgh?).

"You need to get married again or [your son's] going to end up with a someone's cock in his mouth"

"Dave's a Killer!" "Dave's a mess"

Anyway, there's a bunch of great scenes, but Denis Lemieux explaining the rules to Jim Carr has to be one of my favorites.

If you were ever curious of how it would sound like in Quebecois, here's your chance!

THINGS I DON'T HATE: THE BLACK KEYS

I acquired the new Black Keys album, since I like them quite a bit. I'd heard Strange Times, when Jeff emailed around an mp3 link. I think you can listen to it over on the right hand side of the blog---------------------------------->

If not, here's the Youtubery for it. I'm not really sure what to make of that song. It's a little weird and a definite departure from their old Delta stripper blues-rock (if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's not what you think). I like it, but I don't love it.

But now I've been listening to rest of the album, and the last cut is, in my opinion, fucking brilliant. It keeps the same bluesy style from before, but adds to it. Danger Mouse's influence has made Dan's voice sound less harsh, but equally gritty. Jessica Lea Mayfield (holy shit, I just linked MySpace...fuck, I hate myself) singing backup makes for a nice little contrast.

We can only wonder what Ike Turner would've done for this album if he hadn't snorted himself to hell.

Anyway, this isn't Pitchfork, so you have to deal with those 10 lines.



[Youtube: The Black Keys; Things Ain't Like They Used to Be]

WRIST SHOTS: SEAN AVERY IS A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG

I know, that post title might surprise you and raise some eyebrows, but it's true. (CBC wanted to use it as a headline but changed it at the last minute.)

Sean Avery raised his "harrass Brodeur" technique to new douchebaggish heights in Game 3 last night. He came on for one of his shifts in the 2nd period and skated straight from the bench up to Brodeur, and with his back to the play began screwing with him, screening him and waving his glove and stick directly in his face. He did it for 30-40 seconds and never once turned around, looked at where the puck was or followed the play. Even if it's not "illegal" it was total bush league garbage.

This morning I read the ominous statement "the league is looking into it", so we may have an official (or unofficial) "Avery Rule" on the books before too long. But if the refs continue to let him do this, since there's technically no "rule" forbidding it, I am done watching this series. I'll say it again: Avery is a good player (he has 3 freaking goals in 3 games!), why does he have to do this crap? Better yet, why does the coach let him do it? Could Tom Renney maybe rein him in a little, or does this moron only have an on-off agitator switch? All I know is there isn't an ounce of sportsmanship in his body. Sean Avery, you are a classless douchebag.

Here's TSN's Bob McKenzie's take on it, and a clip of it from CBC's Hockey Night in Canada.



At one point his OWN TEAMMATE (Drury) tries to get him to stop by pushing him. The referee, of course, doesn't chase him out until he's already done it for 30 seconds. Though there's no "rule" I suppose they could have called "unsportsmanlike conduct" (a 10 minute "game misconduct" might be a little excessive), but the refs have proven they have no idea how to control these games.

(Oh, the game was won 4-3 in OT by the Devils thanks to lucky deflection by Madden off of Staal's skate. It may have been a great game, but I turned it off after seeing that Avery horseshit, and only turned it back on when I saw it was going to OT.)

Other scores: Philthy Lyers won 2-0 (series tied 1-1), Calgary came back from 3-0 deficit to win 4-3 (up 2-1 on SJ), Bruins actually beat the Habs in OT (Habs lead 2-1).

One other thing: I'm no longer impressed that Rangers fans show up at games in Newark, as half of northern Jersey and most of the adjacent New York metro area are Rangers fans anyway. I'm more impressed by Philthy Lyers fans that drive 2½ hours to D.C., and Habs fans (reports have them showing up by the thousands) that drive 6 hours down to Boston, to see their teams play. Now that's a real hockey fan.

I had to include one last picture of that OT goal, not to rub it in but because it looks great (thanks to Getty Images).

WRIST SHOTS: BEFORE THE DEVILS KNOW THEY'RE DEAD

It sucks being a Devils fan living in New York. Yeah, that's my own fault. In fact, I've never really gotten a chance to truly enjoy being a Devils fan surrounded by other Devils fans, because I moved to Connecticut shortly after they won their first Cup and have lived in New York ever since. Since then I've had to suffer in a fair weather hockey town, where the team that plays on Broadway garners the sports media attention despite only winning one Cup in 68 years. It's frustrating to say the least.

For the first time all season, someone in the bar asked to have the hockey game turned on before we could even do it. Suddenly, Rangers "fans" are coming out of the woodwork, presumably just to annoy me. Where were you at the start of the season? Where were you for the 7 consecutive seasons the Blueshirts missed the playoffs? Yeah, I thought so. I'd like to get behind the wheel of the bandwagon you just jumped on and run you over with it.

Game 2 - Rangers 2, Devils 1. The first two periods last night were complete horseshit, it wasn't even hockey. Instead of a well-played scoreless contest, it was one filled with Philthy-esque after-the-whistle nonsense, Parise losing two teeth on Backman's high stick, Avery once again being allowed to bump Brodeur at will, and Langenbrunner losing his cool with Gomez. In the final few minutes of a 2-1 game, the refs called Jamie on a mystery hooking call, missed a Betts hooking call on Madden, and seconds later fucked up an icing call on the Devils (impossible since they were shorthanded at the time)--but it should never have come to that. It ended with what will probably be the defining moment of the season: Devils' coach Brent Sutter throwing a stick on the ice in frustration. The last time a Devils coach did something like that, Robbie Ftorek was at the helm. That didn't end well, and neither will this. I guess it's payback for the Rangers getting swept by the Devils two years ago, and at least adds a little juice to the rivalry. Regardless, the Devils are dead.

Game 1 - Lyers 4, Kaps 5. If you haven't seen the game winning goal by Ovechkin, his first career playoff goal, you must watch it now. I'll wait.



The Kapitals absolutely stole a win last night in front of a raucous Verizon Center crowd, storming back from a 4-2 deficit to clip the Philthy Lyers 5-4. If that wasn't painful enough, right before the tying goal Lyers winger Patrick Thoreson got injured blocking a shot and MAY HAVE TO HAVE A TESTICLE REMOVED. *shudder* I guess there are worse things than losing your two front teeth.
UPDATE: He's okay. Whew.

Game 2 - Avs 2, Wild 3 (OT). (Series tied 1-1.) Avs tie it up with 44 seconds left on a power play with the goalie pulled, but Wild take it with an OT goal by Keith Carney. Carneys. Very small hands. Smell like cabbage.

Game 2 - Sens 3, Sidsburgh 5. (Crosbys lead series 2-0.) I guess everyone was right and Ottawa is gutless. So much for my picks.

WRIST SHOTS: PUTTING THE 'TITS' IN KOSTITSYN

I must confess: I watched NBC (The Office) last night instead of NBH (nothing but hockey). So you can say I was Off-ice as well as on-ice!

(Insert laugh track here.)

I did find some time to see some of the MASTERS, the two VERSUS games (in SD--ugh) and the FROZEN FOUR. In the latter, BC curb-stomped North Dakota Fighting Sioux, 6-0. In the late game, Michigan scored a late goal to force OT against #4 seed Notre Dame, but the Cinderella Fighting Irish knocked off the #1 Wolverines 5:44 into the extra period. (All these "fighting" names are ironic, since there's really no fighting in college hockey.) This is their first trip to the finals, setting up an all Catholic school matchup that only God picked correctly. (You should see that guy's bracket, it's insane.) Get ready for the HOLY WAR ON ICE!

I feel sorry for hockey commentators like Ray "Chicken Parm" Ferraro and Barry "Mullet" Melrose that still work for ESPN, as they give them very little work to do. One other thing: who chose the blue and yellow boards for the FROZEN FOUR? The same color-challenged freaks that made the blue turf for Boise State? Egads, that's horrible. (Thankfully, ESPN did not screw up the Masters tournament, it was the exact same broadcast as CBS, just on another channel. Whew.)

Now, some quick NHL comments.

Game 1 - Ducks 0, Stars 4. The Ducks took about 34 penalties in this one, playing "stupid" instead of "tough", like Chris Pronger during pretty much all of his waking hours. Not so tough now, are you? Kris made me think about this, and I came to the conclusion: I don't really hate the Stars. Of course, I hate the fact that they're in Texas, but that's on their ownership for moving from Minnesota. I even like Mike Modano and his groin-grabbingly hot wife, but I've just never had a reason to root for them. I also thought their 1999 Cup win was horseshit, thanks to Brett Hull and Bettman's "foot in the crease rule" blunder. But I'm rooting for them hard in this series.

Game 1 - Preds 1, Detroit 3. We have our first octopus sighting! Boy, is that a disgusting tradition. The Nashville Pussies fought hard in this one, violating Hasek's five-hole late in the 2nd to tie it 1-1. But Detroit was nice enough to score the go-ahead goal during a break in the uncomfortably hysterical (uncomforsterical?) "Dinner Party" episode of The Office and added an EN late. It was a workmanlike win, and while they should have no problem getting by the Preds, I wonder what the big deal is about this team--they simply don't impress me. Hasek is still solid but no longer "The Dominator", so what should we call him? The "Workenator"? The "Sufficienator"? The "Decentator"? (Yeah, I realize his nickname plays off his first name, but that's all I could think of.)

VERSUS has Manny Legace in the studio during the breaks for the playoffs, since there's fuck-all to do in St. Louis right now. He's an affable guy, but he's got no broadcast skills whatsoever; he just rambles seemingly without a script while the other guys nod and politely smile (I thought Engblom's cheeks were going to explode). Did they even hold an audition for this? Oh right, it's VERSUS, so I'm going with a big fat 'no'.

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

I realize that Budweiser and its ilk only exist to be someone's "first beer", to initiate the weak into the world of alcoholism, and/or someone's 1st through 45th watered-down, non-offensive brew for a night of binge drinking. In order to keep you slugging their swill, or to get the ball rolling on underage drinking earlier, they need to invent new ways to sell you the same thing over and over. In an intense brainstorm session, someone must have mentioned the propensity of Corona drinkers to place an actual lime wedge in their beers to mask the pissy taste, and came up with the groundbreaking idea to put lime flavoring into Bud Light. (How much do they spend on R&D each year, $19.99?) But that's only the beginning. How can you sell such a ho-hum whogivesashit product to the masses? Here's where I have to tip my hat to the marketing geniuses at A-B. First of all, they came up with the name BL LIME. You see, it's Bud Light, only with lime in it, hence the moniker "BL LIME". If that wasn't enough, the commercials hype it as if it's a huge event, with the teaser "COMING MAY 2008". What they're saying is that you are NOT READY for this, so they're going to slow things down before unleashing such an exciting and borderline controversial product to the beer buying public. Let me reiterate: they took ordinary Bud Light and added lime to it, but if you see the ads you'd think they'd just cured cancer. (Seriously, their marketing is sheer brilliance/evil. And I want to cockpunch the first guy I hear ordering a "BL LIME" this summer.)

Back to the games (that I didn't see).

Game 2 - Flames 0, Sharks 2. The (not Land) Sharks outshot the Flames 27-3 in the 2nd. 27 SHOTS to 3. Are you kidding? The Flames committed 7 penalties, but somehow only gave up two goals (1 PP) during that period. Hey, I guess it could have been worse. I think SJ might be back on track.

Game 1 - Bruins 1, Habs 4. Le but! Victoire pour le Habs! Sacre bleu! French phrases! Loud noises! Sergei and Andrei each scored in the first 2:02 of this one, putting the "tits" in Kostitsyn. Speaking of, I hope to find some quality strippers while I'm up in Montreal next month, any suggestions?

I also watched a bit of There's Something About Mary last night (somehow, there's still an "official site" up on the web), possibly the funniest movie of the 90s. When Mary (Cameron Diaz) said to Ted (Ben Stiller), "Wanna come inside and watch Sportscenter?", at the time that was considered to be an incredibly cool line for a chick to say. However, 10 years later all I could think was, "Man, she's a complete moron. I guess she's not a hockey fan."

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

There was a video of Sid-the-Great as a young child making the rounds of email yesterday that I was tempted to post, but figured that most people would have seen it already. However, it did get me thinking about great sporting actions and how, when well done, they change the outcome of a game.

This one, not so much. See, the thing is that you need to initiate the action while someone is still near you. If not, you just look stupid.



[Update] I actually missed this the first time I watched it, but the announcer's great: "...Oh! Gilardino goes down almost posthumously."

WRIST SHOTS: PHANEUF'S ENUFF

So after Day 1 of the NHL playoffs, the teams I chose to win their respective playoff series are an astonishing 1-3. Again, I stress this point: do not use this blog for gambling purposes.

Game 1 - Rangers 4, Devils 1. What can I say? This was a close game most of the way, scoreless after the 1st with each team ringing one off the pipes, and 1-1 after the 2nd, and Avery deservedly getting hit in the face with a puck deflected off of Brodeur's stick. Henrik was solid, and Marty gave up a quickie to open the scoring (okay, not technically the 1st minute of the 2nd, but awfully close, and right after they killed a penalty). Not on the score sheet but very important: Drury won 14 of 18 faceoffs. In the end, the Strangers got the job done thanks to a Callahan shorty, and the Devils looked simply listless at home. Even if they manage a home split on Friday, it doesn't look good. So much for home ice (which, as I predicted, was infested by over 30% Rangers fans).

The refs have already set a tone in this series, and it's this: Sean Avery is allowed to bump into Brodeur whenever he damn well pleases. Even though just brushing up against a goalie in the regular season drew a "goalie interference" penalty, they're just going to look the other way now. On the other hand, when the Devils defense tries to clear out their crease of detritis, they get called for "interference" (Martin at 19:43 of the 1st, which was technically Drury diving like a European soccer player bitch). Because of this horseshit, for Game 2 you're going to have someone try to railroad Avery as soon as he steps on the ice, and he'll get into a fight heightening his powers of douchebaggery, thus leading to him scoring TWO goals. Well done, guys.

Oh, and fuck you, CBS Sportsline. There's no such thing as a "hat trick of assists". Now you're just making shit up. Sportsline, you are on notice. I'm not linking to you shitheads for the rest of the playoffs. (UPDATE: They changed the headline since last night, so they must have read my complaints. But they're still on notice.)

Game 1 - Calgary 3, San Jose 2. This one makes me want to Yelle, as I see my Stanley Cup pick (Sharks) go down in Flames. Just one note: Phaneuf is currently banging puck bunny/actress Elisha Cuthbert, who is working her way up the hockey fuckchain (younger, bigger contract). She's going to be stuffed with Phaneuf tonight!

Game 1 - Ottawa 0, Sidsburgh 4. MAF tallies a shutout. Now I've seen everything.

Game 1 - Colorado 3, Minnesota 2 (OT). It didn't take long to get our first OT game of the playoffs, and it was a doozy. Joe Sakic celebrated his 50th birthday (well, almost) by scoring the winner, his 8th career playoff OT goal (two more than the next guy, Rocket Richard).

Ex-Devils that scored tonight that the current Devils could have used: Shanahan (1G), Rolston (1A), Gomez (3A), Sykora (1G).

Programming note: Cablefuckingvision couldn't get VERSUS HD to work for most of the Sidsburgh game, which actually prompted me to call them. All I wanted to do is inform them that the channel was dropping out and choppy, but they first needed my name, phone number, address, account number, date of birth, etc. Even when I provided that they STILL couldn't find the account info. Dammit, just fix the damn thing! They eventually did--with about 5 minutes left in the game. At that point, the MSG/MSG+ feeds started to crap out so I just turned off the TV completely. This was the first time all year that VERSUS HD has crapped out--fantastic timing. And after all that I was convinced that they throttled the bandwidth on VERSUS HD to ensure a stellar picture on MSG. Dolan, go die in a fire.

Tonight, the games which should be on VERSUS HD will be pre-empted by golf. No, Golf Channel HD can't show people at the Masters playing golf, it's just going to be people talking about golf, in prime time, in standard definition.

Screw you, I'm taking a break from hockey and watching "The Office".

CONGRATULATIONS: YOUR TEAM SUCKS. NOW SAVE SOME MONEY

I don't know how NHL.com knows that I'm a Sabres fan, but they do (it's not like I keep it a secret)...And they want me to remember that my team sucks just like all those other sucky teams.

For one day only, you too can save 25% off all merchandise for the shit-teams of the league. Buy your Sundin jersey now (or a Bryan McCabe puck). How about a Vinny Lecavalier All-Star 2008 T-Shirt. 25% off, FOR ONE DAY ONLY!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY OF THE DAY: HARDBALL MADE EASY

This is one of those serial postings that will last until about Tuesday of next week before it's forgotten about, but I'm going to try to embed videos from time-to-time that follow Open Hockey's core beliefs of sarcasm, sports and hate.

I know that I should probably hate viral advertising videos because they're just that...advertising. But I don't care. This "HARDBALL MADE EASY" with Ron Stilanovich series is really well done, even if it's selling Easton bats.



Gasolina, baby!
Good job, rub some dirt in it

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? GOLF BABE EDITION

This is Elin Nordegren, formerly a member of the Swedish Bikini Team (if she wasn't, she should have been). Before she married Tiger Woods and had a kid, she seemed to really dislike pants immensely.



I'm not sure about her current stance on pants, but if her husband brings home another green jacket this Sunday it would behoove her to lose them.



This reminds me: I really have to work on my golf game.

2008 MASTERS® PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

It's here: The Masters® tournament is finally here! Yeah, I'm excited.

I have to admit, my brain/this blog has been hockey-centric lately, so I didn't have too much time to whip up an "extravaganza" preview for you. But before the hockey games start I will of course be watching THE MASTERS®, the greatest golf tournament we've got. So let's break it down:

TV SCHEDULE
4/10 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 1st round (ESPN/ESPN HD)
4/11 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 2nd round (ESPN/ESPN HD)
4/12 - 3:30-7:00 pm: 3rd round (CBS HD)
4/13 - 2:30-7:00 pm: Final round (CBS HD)

Yes, those asshats at ESPN (Endlessly Self-Promoting Network) decided to crash the party and stick their dick in the mashed potatoes by broadcasting the first two rounds this year. (Please god don't screw it up please god don't screw it up please god don't screw it up.) The Masters seem to have a lot of control over the broadcasting and marketing of their tournament, so hopefully it will not change too much. If there are scrolling scores on the bottom of the screen, Sportscenter teasers giving me the latest arena football news, and Stuart Freaking Scott on the course wearing a pimp suit--goddammit I'm driving to Bristol and fucking shit up (and kidnapping Dana Jacobson if I have to). Regardless, its placement on ESPN should guarantee the ratings go down.

ONLINE SCHEDULE
Amen Corner Live
Thursday and Friday: 10:45am - 5:45pm ET
Saturday: 11:45 - 5:45pm ET
Sunday: 11:45 - 5:45pm ET
Hole Nos. 15 and 16 (New for 2008)
Thursday and Friday: 11:45 - 6:45pm ET
Saturday: 12:45 - 6:30pm ET
Sunday: 12:45 - 6:30pm ET

CBS Sportsline Video - Masters Live (Amen Corner)

DIRECTV SCHEDULE
The best innovation this year is DirecTV assigning 4 separate (SD/HD) channels showing different views of the tournament: the regular broadcast, "Today's Highlights", Amen Corner, Holes 15 & 16. This is very cool, but a mere baby step towards the genius idea I had a few years ago: devoting a separate channel to each hole. That's when I will officially dump cable and switch to DirecTV.

FIRST ROUND TEE TIMES (EDT)
Some interesting pairings:
10:23 a.m. Z. Johnson (2007 winner), L. Donald, G. Ogilvy
10:34 a.m. M. Weir, P. Harrington, J. Singh
10:45 a.m. T. Woods, A. Cabrera, S. Appleby
1:19 p.m. A. Scott, P. Casey, R. Goosen
1:30 p.m. V. Singh, S. Stricker, S. Cink
1:52 p.m. E. Els, S. Katayama, J. Furyk

THE FIELD
The winner will come from the above threesomes I highlighted, specifically the three I would pick would be Woods, Scott and Goosen. (Three I would not pick: Cabrera, Casey and Katayama). If I had to bet, I'd be stupid not to go with Mr. Tiger Woods, who has played ridiculous golf (even for him!) in his last 10 tournaments.

Let's tee it up for THE MASTERS® (registered trademark used with implied oral consent)!

LEADERBOARD

Doc Sports 2008 Masters Odds
Sportbet.com (via Wager.ca) Masters Odds
TIGER WOODS -120
PHIL MICKELSON 850
VIJAY SINGH 1200
ERNIE ELS 1800
GEOFF OLGILVY 2100
PADRAIG HARRINGTON 2400
RETIEF GOOSEN 2600
ADAM SCOTT 2800
JUSTIN ROSE 3400
KJ CHOI 3800
JIM FURYK 3800
LUKE DONALD 4200
STEVE STRICKER 4600
HENRIK STENSON 4600
SERGIO GARCIA 5000
RORY SABBATINI 5800

THE COURSE
Name: Augusta National, Augusta, GA
Par: 36-36-72
Yardage: 7,445

Hole/Name/Par/Yards
1) Tea Olive - Par 4, 455
2) Pink Dogwood - Par 5, 575
3) Flowering Peach - Par 4, 350
4) Flowering Crab Apple - Par 3, 240
5) Magnolia - Par 4, 455
6) Juniper - Par 3, 180
7) Pampas - Par 4, 450
8) Yellow Jasmine - Par 5, 570
9) Carolina Cherry - Par 4, 460
10) Camellia - Par 4, 495
11) White Dogwood - Par 4, 505
12) Golden Bell - Par 3, 155
13) Azalea - Par 5, 510
14) Chinese Fir - Par 4, 440
15) Firethorn - Par 5, 530
16) Redbud - Par 3, 170
17) Nandina - Par 4, 440
18) Holly - Par 4, 465

Hole-by-hole videos
WEATHER FORECAST - AUGUSTA, GA
THU: Mostly sunny, 80. Winds 5 - 8 mph.
FRI: Partly sunny, 83. Wind S 5 - 11 mph.
SAT: Mostly cloudy, 73. 40% chance of showers.
SUN: Partly sunny, 67.

HOCKEY, SOCCER, AND HOMERS

I was going to start this post with a video of the brilliant end-to-end single effort by Theo Walcott (the only Brit on the pitch for Arsenal last night - think about that!!) that set up Emmanuel Adebayor to tie the Champions League Quarter Final at 84 minutes, but UEFA are even bigger twunts than the NHL and you cannot find videos on Youtube. UEFA must have a crack team of copyright enforcement officers whose sole job is to report "abuse" to Youtube administrators. I figured no problem, I'll just go to UEFA's site: HA! On their site the only thing you get is the post game interview with Rafael Benitez (coach of Liverpool). Fuck UEFA. This is why I don't watch foccer anymore...Asshat league management.

And shitty calling: In my last real post, I referenced the French propensity for homerism. If I watch international matches featuring the French National Team, I generally turn the volume down because I just can't stand listening to these guys. You'd think they learned their lesson, when the #1 soccer announcer for the #1 TV station dropped dead at 49 years old, that God hates Homers. No such luck. If anything it's worse, because now his position is open and anyone who calls a game has to prove that he's up to the task of licking the balls of the French TV audience. Since Arsène Wenger (a Frenchman!) is the manager of Arsenal, the French announcers are required by law to support the Gunners. I don't hate Arsenal, but I want to be able to make up my own mind about who to support without listening to the verbal fellation of the North London side.

There's nothing wrong with homerism, per se. I don't really care if NESN blindly supports the Bruins, as long as their feed isn't national. It's a local TV station, with a local audience. It's annoying as hell, but if the majority of the viewers are pro-Boston, then the announcers being homers isn't the end of the world. If the French National Team plays a game, it's partially logical that the announcers are homers. I turn the sound off, but, for the most part, the viewing audience also wants the French team to win. However, when you are the announcer and you're supporting a team because you know the manager, or the leading goal scoring speaks French, that's just fucking wrong and annoying, yet the French like this I guess because every announcer I've ever heard on TV has the same attitude (I like this team, so you must too).

Update: I've found a video. I don't know how long UEFA's brownshirts are going to leave this, but Walcott's run starts at 2:57 in the video



Jeff asked me to make my picks for Round 1. I have not watched a lot of hockey this year, so I can't say that I'm really well-versed in the comings and goings, but I'll do this as scientifically as possible: i.e. Based on important factors such as which coach is less of a twunt or who has hotter ice girls:

Prince of Wales Conference

(1) Montreal vs. (8) Boston: Everyone's making a big deal about this original 6 match-up. Is it just me that's too cynical, or are there other people that just don't care? Unless Les Canadiens really fuck this up, this series should be pretty one-sided: Montreal in 5

(2) Pittsburgh vs. (7) Ottawa: Yes, we can never count the Sens out, but thugtastic Neil and Alfie and all the other bitches don't stand a chance to Sid's pretty face and Malkin's skill. Plus I never get tired of rooting against the Senators. Sidsburgh in 6

(3) Washington vs. (6) Philadelphia: The Kapital Komrades have truly come on in the last 1/3 of the season and they're hot right now. However, they are a bit of a one-pony show and if Ovie plays poorly, the whole team feels it! However, with Huet in goal now, they no longer have to play for frequent trips to St. Augustine, FL for Kolzig. I still couldn't, in my right mind, want the Cryers to win for any reason. Kapitals in 6

(4) New Jersey vs. (5) New York Rangers: This is the hardest match-up to call, IMHO. The Rangers completely dominated the Devils all season long, but you should really never bet against Marty in the playoffs. King Henrik will stand on his head. Drooory will come up big one game, but it won't be enough. Devils in 7

If my predictions come true, we're setting up the ultimate Bettman wet-dream: Sidburgh vs the Komrades in Round 2. I'm sure he's got a chubby just thinking about it.

Campbell Conference

(1) Detroit vs. (8) Nashville: Meh, I'm not even going to waste good blogspace on this; the Predators will get lucky and win one. Detroit in 5

(2) San Jose vs. (7) Calgary: I'd like to see Brian Campbell get a cup. I don't have any hard feelings for his departure. He's worth what he's worth and the Sabres needed to get something for him. However, I hate Whiny Ron Wilson as much as I hate any coach in this league. These two cancel each other out. I kind of like Ignila because he comes across as the epitome of a blue-collar hockey player. However, all of this is irrelevant because the Sharks are just too strong. San Jose in 6

(3) Minnesota vs. (6) Colorado: I know absolutely nothing about either of these teams, except that Floppa came back and the Avs play great hockey when he's on the ice. If Forsberg can make it to even a few of these games, the Avs stand a good chance at messing up the Wild. Avs in 5

(4) Anaheim vs. (5) Dallas: I used to hate the Stars more than any team in the league, but Hull is gone, Hatcher plays (or not) for the Cryers and most of the other asshats have moved on or retired (I never really hated Modano). Now Pronger is probably the shittiest player in the league and I want nothing more than to see him cry his way out in the first round. However, the Stars haven't been playing great hockey lately and the Phucks still have Giggy in goal and S. Niedermeyer and Selanne haven't had the deal with the stresses of a full season. Also, expect to see Pronger exchange his right to dress in Game 3 for a series-ending concussion to Ribeiro. It pains me to say it but: Phucks in 6 (I hope I'm wrong).

The league is being their normal bitchy selves and put most of the [Prince of Wales] games at 7pm EST. They should know by now, that it's tough for me to watch games that start at 1AM CET. The Kapitals play game 2 @ 2pm on Sunday and Game 5 @1pm the following Saturday. The only other game I could watch is Detroit's eventual thrashing of the Preds in Game 2 @ 2pm EST on Saturday. Why aren't their more weekend matinees. FUCK YOU BETTMAN! Think about me for once. And what about all those English fans that you picked up. How do you think they're going to stay hockey fans if they have to stay up until 4am on a school night to watch Sidney's dreamy mug?

2008 STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

The 2008 Stanley Cup playoffs are finally here! After a brutal playoff push that saw two Canadian teams get ousted, the Kaps and Lyers rise from the dead, and last year's Presidents' Trophy winner fizzle out, we're finally down to 16 teams. Let's take a look at the matchups and get into the blognostications.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference
This is about as perfect a collection of eight Eastern teams that you can imagine, especially if you're a hockey traditionalist. While I would prefer jettisoning the Philthy Lyers and putting the Sabres in their spot, you really cannot ask for better matchups here. All of the teams in this conference are fighters, and none of them are a pushover. Best of all, there won't be a single game played south of D.C.! Screw you, South! Go enjoy the beach or NASCAR or dogfighting or something, and leave the hockey to us.

(1) Montreal vs. (8) Boston. A matchup of Original Six teams with a long history. Which reminds me: I made a sandwich the other day with honey maple turkey, cave-aged gruyere and wasabi mustard on toasted 7 grain bread. The ingredients by themselves were great but it just didn't work well together, sort of like this defensively minded but otherwise toothless Bruins team. Why French Canadians would chant in Spanish ("Olé, olé-olé-olé!") I'll never figure out. Habs in 5.

(2) Pittsburgh vs. (7) Ottawa. How far the Sens have fallen, and everyone has written them off. However, don't count them out here, because as long as the Pens have M.A.F. in goal I don't see them etching "Crosby" into the Cup. (This is my shocking pick of the bunch.) Sens in 7.

(3) Washington vs. (6) Philadelphia. What a fantastic run for the Kapital Komrades. This is just Year One of their resurgence (also known as "Finding Talent To Play With Ovechkin"), and while their late season momentum might propel them into the next round, that's about it. Expect a lot of late hits and soft goals given up by the Philthy Lyers. Typically, Philthy's slogan is "VENGEANCE NOW". Who, exactly, are they exacting revenge on? The league, for rightfully suspending their players for being dirty? Who did them wrong, besides their own management? Screw them. They shouldn't even be here. Kaps in 6.

(4) New Jersey vs. (5) New York Rangers. A rematch of 2005 where the Devs swept their Blueshirted nemeses, I see this as a better matchup between two teams that are mirror images of each other. Devils: world-class goaltending, weak power play; Rangers: great goaltending, weak defense. I said this last year, and I'm just going to cut-and-paste it in here: "New Jersey has had some serious ups and downs this year but as always it's about Brodeur, who had an amazing season this year." Interesting fact: Brodeur has played 164 career playoff games, while the rest of the starting goalies in the East (Price, Henrik, Thomas, Huet/Kolzig, Biron, Emery/Gerber, MAF/Conklin) have played a combined 107 (45 of which are Kolzig, who won't start for the Kaps). Devils in 6.


Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
I'm not as impressed by this conference as I was last year, as there seem to be more fighters in the East, though the top 2 seeds are as tough as it gets.

(1) Detroit vs. (8) Nashville. Ahh, the mighty Red Wings are in first again. I'm getting so sick of typing that. Nashville was the only team in their division to hold their own against the Wings. But I don't see them emerging from this series against a loaded Wings team, despite their (scary) enthusiastic home crowd and the presence of Vince Gill. Wings in 5.

(2) San Jose vs. (7) Calgary. I have no idea what to make of Keenan's Calgary squad, since I've seen about 2 whole periods of them in action. Although Ignila scored 50 goals and carried this team, and Kiprusoff's been solid I don't think they have enough firepower. Nabakov has been borderline Vezina this year and I expect him to continue his stellar play. Sharks in 5.

(3) Minnesota vs. (6) Colorado. I like this Avs team, I don't know why. They have some good young talent mixed in with wily vets like Sakic and Forsberg. Oh, and I also will root for no team with Chris Simon as a member. Did anyone catch Ian "Stone Quarry" Laperriere fighting Martin "Zsa Zsa" Gaborik the other day? The former still had his gloves on because the latter was wearing a visor. What kind of fight is that? "Who throws a shoe? Honestly, you fight like a woman!" Avalanche in 6.



(4) Anaheim vs. (5) Dallas. I think I say this about two teams every year, so here we go again: can both of these teams lose in the first round? No? Has any team worn out their welcome faster than the Ducks? This season they've been predictably ornery, with Pronger being a complete douche. And although Nieds and Selanne are well-rested (assholes), this is the year that Turco FINALLY steps up and forces them to retire. Again. Stars in 7.

For those who care (and there aren't many) I will also be simulating the playoffs using NHL 2002 on the PC with the current rosters (as close as I can get them, anyway). Enjoy the hockey related songs I put on the Playlist as well. Okay, that's all I've got. Let's drop the puck!

KUKLA'S CORNER EYE ON THE MEDIA - TV SCHEDULE
VERSUS TV SCHEDULE
HDSPORTSGUIDE.COM NHL SCHEDULE
NHL.COM TV SCHEDULE

(Interestingly, VERSUS has only chosen to show 2 games each from the Sidsburgh/Bruins and Devs/Rangers series, yet the combined forces of NBC/VS are showing every single Detroit/Nashville and Philthy/Kaps game. Where's the Sid and Marty love?)

FINALLY: THE SABRES BEAT THE DEVILS AT SOMETHING

We all know that the Devils are superior to the Sabres in nearly every way (except possibly slacking Europeans) this year. Yet, there is one arena where the Sabres remain the winners (other than skill competition losses). GOOGLE FIGHT!

It was a hard fought battle, but in the end, one stick figure was send flying:



Yep, that's the Devils you see flying off the screen. The Sabres, by the slimmest of margins, have more Google hits. Of course "porn" beats "buffalo sabres" by a 50:1 margin, but we need to compare apples to apples.