WRIST SHOTS: PUTTING THE 'TITS' IN KOSTITSYN

I must confess: I watched NBC (The Office) last night instead of NBH (nothing but hockey). So you can say I was Off-ice as well as on-ice!

(Insert laugh track here.)

I did find some time to see some of the MASTERS, the two VERSUS games (in SD--ugh) and the FROZEN FOUR. In the latter, BC curb-stomped North Dakota Fighting Sioux, 6-0. In the late game, Michigan scored a late goal to force OT against #4 seed Notre Dame, but the Cinderella Fighting Irish knocked off the #1 Wolverines 5:44 into the extra period. (All these "fighting" names are ironic, since there's really no fighting in college hockey.) This is their first trip to the finals, setting up an all Catholic school matchup that only God picked correctly. (You should see that guy's bracket, it's insane.) Get ready for the HOLY WAR ON ICE!

I feel sorry for hockey commentators like Ray "Chicken Parm" Ferraro and Barry "Mullet" Melrose that still work for ESPN, as they give them very little work to do. One other thing: who chose the blue and yellow boards for the FROZEN FOUR? The same color-challenged freaks that made the blue turf for Boise State? Egads, that's horrible. (Thankfully, ESPN did not screw up the Masters tournament, it was the exact same broadcast as CBS, just on another channel. Whew.)

Now, some quick NHL comments.

Game 1 - Ducks 0, Stars 4. The Ducks took about 34 penalties in this one, playing "stupid" instead of "tough", like Chris Pronger during pretty much all of his waking hours. Not so tough now, are you? Kris made me think about this, and I came to the conclusion: I don't really hate the Stars. Of course, I hate the fact that they're in Texas, but that's on their ownership for moving from Minnesota. I even like Mike Modano and his groin-grabbingly hot wife, but I've just never had a reason to root for them. I also thought their 1999 Cup win was horseshit, thanks to Brett Hull and Bettman's "foot in the crease rule" blunder. But I'm rooting for them hard in this series.

Game 1 - Preds 1, Detroit 3. We have our first octopus sighting! Boy, is that a disgusting tradition. The Nashville Pussies fought hard in this one, violating Hasek's five-hole late in the 2nd to tie it 1-1. But Detroit was nice enough to score the go-ahead goal during a break in the uncomfortably hysterical (uncomforsterical?) "Dinner Party" episode of The Office and added an EN late. It was a workmanlike win, and while they should have no problem getting by the Preds, I wonder what the big deal is about this team--they simply don't impress me. Hasek is still solid but no longer "The Dominator", so what should we call him? The "Workenator"? The "Sufficienator"? The "Decentator"? (Yeah, I realize his nickname plays off his first name, but that's all I could think of.)

VERSUS has Manny Legace in the studio during the breaks for the playoffs, since there's fuck-all to do in St. Louis right now. He's an affable guy, but he's got no broadcast skills whatsoever; he just rambles seemingly without a script while the other guys nod and politely smile (I thought Engblom's cheeks were going to explode). Did they even hold an audition for this? Oh right, it's VERSUS, so I'm going with a big fat 'no'.

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

I realize that Budweiser and its ilk only exist to be someone's "first beer", to initiate the weak into the world of alcoholism, and/or someone's 1st through 45th watered-down, non-offensive brew for a night of binge drinking. In order to keep you slugging their swill, or to get the ball rolling on underage drinking earlier, they need to invent new ways to sell you the same thing over and over. In an intense brainstorm session, someone must have mentioned the propensity of Corona drinkers to place an actual lime wedge in their beers to mask the pissy taste, and came up with the groundbreaking idea to put lime flavoring into Bud Light. (How much do they spend on R&D each year, $19.99?) But that's only the beginning. How can you sell such a ho-hum whogivesashit product to the masses? Here's where I have to tip my hat to the marketing geniuses at A-B. First of all, they came up with the name BL LIME. You see, it's Bud Light, only with lime in it, hence the moniker "BL LIME". If that wasn't enough, the commercials hype it as if it's a huge event, with the teaser "COMING MAY 2008". What they're saying is that you are NOT READY for this, so they're going to slow things down before unleashing such an exciting and borderline controversial product to the beer buying public. Let me reiterate: they took ordinary Bud Light and added lime to it, but if you see the ads you'd think they'd just cured cancer. (Seriously, their marketing is sheer brilliance/evil. And I want to cockpunch the first guy I hear ordering a "BL LIME" this summer.)

Back to the games (that I didn't see).

Game 2 - Flames 0, Sharks 2. The (not Land) Sharks outshot the Flames 27-3 in the 2nd. 27 SHOTS to 3. Are you kidding? The Flames committed 7 penalties, but somehow only gave up two goals (1 PP) during that period. Hey, I guess it could have been worse. I think SJ might be back on track.

Game 1 - Bruins 1, Habs 4. Le but! Victoire pour le Habs! Sacre bleu! French phrases! Loud noises! Sergei and Andrei each scored in the first 2:02 of this one, putting the "tits" in Kostitsyn. Speaking of, I hope to find some quality strippers while I'm up in Montreal next month, any suggestions?

I also watched a bit of There's Something About Mary last night (somehow, there's still an "official site" up on the web), possibly the funniest movie of the 90s. When Mary (Cameron Diaz) said to Ted (Ben Stiller), "Wanna come inside and watch Sportscenter?", at the time that was considered to be an incredibly cool line for a chick to say. However, 10 years later all I could think was, "Man, she's a complete moron. I guess she's not a hockey fan."