Wednesday, April 30, 2008

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: RANDOM JAPANESE GIRL

According to Kris, it's Random Youtubery Month. Personally, I don't like putting a lot of videos on here since in a week or two most of them disappear, but I thought I'd join in the fun anyway.

I can almost understand Madonna and Justin Timberlake getting 10 million hits; while it's incredibly uninteresting to me, I can see why two generations of pop music fans would want to see it.

However, can anyone explain why this video has gotten over 3 million views?



It's a Japanese girl (Magi Ririan?), who claims to be 21 but looks like she's 12. She's doing nothing. Over 3 million people have watched it. Nearly 20,000 have commented on it (most of them are not so nice).

Yes, we're all doomed.

WRIST SHOTS: HE LITERALLY VENTED HIS SPLEEN

Did you ever dance with a douchebag in the pale moonlight?  -- NEW YORK - APRIL 29: Sean Avery #16 of the New York Rangers gets tangled up with Sidney Crosby #87 of the Pittsburgh Penguins during the second period of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs at Madison Square Garden on April 29th, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)Well, it looks like it's just about over for the Rangers. Jagr started off like a house on fire, exhibiting emotion and that sweeping wraparound move (that brought back nightmares from the numerous times he'd done that vs. the Devils), but in the end they couldn't stop The Malkin Machine. Sidsburgh is now up 3 games to none.

It was also nice of Jagr to show up, considering this might have been his penultimate game as a Ranger/NHL player. Do you know the way to Omsk?

Browsing TSN for NHL news I happened upon this article:

Sean Avery has a lacerated spleen and will be out the remainder of the season, sources tell TSN. The source went on to say that the laceration was detected with a CT scan after Avery was taken to hospital following the Game 3 with the Panguins. Full Story
Why do good things happen to bad people? I mean, the other way around??? (Uhm, the Panguins?)

I also commented on Chris Drury, who appeared to hurt himself while celebrating a (non) goal last night in the 2nd period. Shooting from MAF's right side of the crease, he put his arms up in anticipation of the puck going across the goal line along the far post, but Hal Gill deftly swept it out. Drury put his arms about halfway up and then he winced and put them back down. He looked like a broken man for the rest of the game, skating at half speed and unable to keep a puck in the zone during a key sequence in the 3rd. At the time I was thinking he pulled a muscle in his back or something; TSN said he was "hampered" and may have injured his shoulder (it looked like his right side).

As it turns out The Pensblog has a frame-by-frame account in their goofy-ass Game 3 recap . (The "Sidney Plissken in Escape from New York" yesterday had me LLOL.) If anything sums up the Rangers awful play and horrible luck in this series with the Pens, it would be that: a key player getting injured while celebrating a goal that never happened.

Meanwhile, both Detroit and Dallas have taken commanding 3-0 leads in their respective series. So tonight we're going to have a conference finals party like it's 1-9-9-8!

If you haven't checked out Hockey-Reference.com yet, you must. My favorite stat is Bobby Orr's plus/minus of +124 in 1970-71. That season, he wasn't even the leading scorer on his own team, and total goals for vs. against while on the ice was an astonishing 258 to 85. Since they scored 399 goals that year, that means he was on the ice for about two-thirds (65%) of them. Basically, only good things happened when he was out there.

Another question I meant to ask last night in my anti-livebloggery: why aren't there more songs about hockey? Sure, there's "The Good Old Hockey Game", but what else? It seems like they make a craptacular Super Bowl Shuffle-esque song every year, and there are more baseball songs than I care to remember. I have one I'm working on about the Avs called "Hejduk" (to the tune of Pink Floyd's "Hey You"):

Hejduk
Skating in the cold
Sakic and Forsberg growing old
Can you help me?
...
Hejduk
Why can't Theodore make a stoooooop?
Together we stand, divided we flop

Uhm, that's all I've got so far.



(Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: WE'RE ALL DOOMED

Today's the last day of April. To celebrate this non-event, I'm posting the most watched video on Youtube for the month.

10,558,655 people watched Centrium-Silver-consumer-Madonna dance with her could-be son, Justin Timberlake over the past month...That's probably more people than watched playoff hockey.

I didn't like Madonna in the 80s. I didn't like her in the 90s and I hoped that moving to England and popping out Guy Ritchie's spawn would mean that I would have to avoid her in the latter part of the this decade. Meh.

I didn't watch this, but I'm sure it's terrible

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

WRIST SHOTS: A BAGFUL OF QUESTIONS

Here are a bunch of questions that may or may not have answers, but I just needed to get them out of my head.

Why were the Montréal fans booing Zdeno Chara when Boston visited Le Centre Bell in the first round? Do they just randomly choose someone to boo, or was there some history there?

Why do fans think that booing will actually bother a professional player?

Why isn't VERSUS showing San Jose/Dallas game right now in New York? Instead, it's blacked out completely. Fan-fucking-tastic TV deal you've made there, Bettman.

Why is the ice at Mellon Arena so shitty? What else do they use that arena for?

Why would fans wear white at home games WHEN THE VISITING TEAM IS WEARING WHITE?

Reminder: if you're going to Madison Square Garden tonight, make sure you wear an expensive pinstripe suit, and a hideous shirt. (I see Ron Duguay got the memo.)



Didn't you guys miss (my neighbor) Sam Rosen? I'm not even a Rangers fan and I can honestly say I did--he's head and shoulders better than anyone VERSUS has to offer. Tonight's MSG broadcast might be his last if the Rangers don't wake up.

Why does MSG need 7 people talking about this game during the intermission? Do they have to justify all of their salaries? Where is Dr. Joyce Brothers?

Why didn't I pick Dallas to win? I almost did. Was it because the Ducks looked so bad, which I thought made Dallas look better than they really were? Why did I stick with San Jose? I hate San Jose. Also, I don't know the way there and I don't care.

Will Jagr stop whining and start playing now that he's had a diving call go his way AND a goal go in while he was in the crease and borderline interfering with MAF?

How did they let just George Laraque score a goal?

Why is the NBC on NHL set so fucking ugly? To distract you from the nonsense spilling out of Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury's mouths? (I like Pierre by himself, especially on XM, but why did they stick him with Milbury?)

Why does barbecued shrimp taste so damn good? (Sorry, I'm taking a dinner break.)

Did Drury just pull a muscle celebrating (when the puck didn't even go in)?

SOPCAST: great invention or THE GREATEST INVENTION?

With this latest slew of Bud Light commercials, joking that it gives you "X-ray vision" and the ability to fly (can you get arrested for drinking and flying?), have they just given up trying to convince you it's a good beer?

Is this Penguins team firing on all cylinders or what? Final: Sidsburgh 5, Rangers 3.

Why does Dallas have the worst in-game music? It's like Jock Jams, Eurodisco and Hair Metal got into a fight in the parking lot.

Is there anything better than OT playoff hockey? I submit that there is not! No commercial breaks, and you can't look away as the game can end in the blink of an eye.

It's a final: Stars 2, Sharks 1 OT.

Should I stay up and watch yet another Detroit game, with Franzen probably scoring a hat trick, and Theodore inexplicably starting in goal? I'll answer this one: no.

MOVIE REVIEWS: "KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS" (2007)

Since today is Grand Theft Auto IV release day, I felt it was a good time to mention one of the best documentaries about videogames that is likely to ever be made. I watched King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters last night, and it was absolutely fascinating, even moreso since I'm a videogame fan and about the same age as these fanatics.

Focusing on a self-taught Donkey Kong expert (the humble Steve Wiebe) aiming to challenge the current world record holder (the arrogant Billy Mitchell), this movie was both interesting and frightening at the same time. It shows a whole classic arcade videogame subculture that I knew existed, but I wasn't prepared for how obsessive and competitive they are.



Interesting note (to me anyway): I've actually been to that Funspot Arcade in Weirs Beach, NH as a kid, so I might have run into one of these weirdos before.

From the Twin Galaxies "referees" who oversee the validity of the scores to the banker who retired at age 30 and moved to New Hampshire to devote his life to playing video games, it was priceless stuff. Billy even had people sent to Steve's house to check the machine in his garage to see if the board was "fraudulent". I simply can't believe anyone would be that dickish about a Donkey Kong record.


"No matter what I say, it draws controversy. It's sort of like the abortion issue. If you're for it, you're a sonofagun; if you're against it, you're a sonofagun. I'm not God, I don't have all the answers, so I have to be careful how I share my opinions." - Billy Mitchell
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S A FREAKING VIDEO GAME! Seriously, I think this guy is totally insane.

Regardless, it was a very entertaining documentary, even for the non-videogame enthusiast. But for someone like me who has gone through rolls upon rolls of quarters playing these games in the 80s, it was completely mesmerizing.

(Oh, and after seeing a guy play Marble Madness with his foot, I'm never playing one of those trackball games again.)

Clips courtesy of Picturehouse Films.
Donkey Kong (Online Flash Version)
King Of Kong - Trailer

BRILLIANCE IN ADVERTISING

Frequently when advertisers make commercials they use statistics to prove something or other. However, TotalElfFina has outdone themselves:

The latest version of this Total Excellium ad (I did not upload this or write the subtitles) that has been running in France has the greatest advertising stat that I have ever seen (without exaggeration).

At the very end, they run a text line that says: "Over 4-million consumers estimate that they get better mileage when they use Total Excellium."

THAT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT. You just spent 30% more for fucking gas that has been "reformulated" and we're now asking if you think you made a rational choice.
Despite being constantly accosted by this type of ad, Julie continues to accuse me of being too cynical. How can you not be cynical; about advertising, but worse about the humans that swallow this merde. It must work, if a huge multinational like Total is spending money to "get the word out."

Humanity is so fucked.

WRIST SHOTS: CONSPIRACY CONSHMEARACY

PITTSBURGH - APRIL 27: Jordan Staal #11 of the Pittsburgh Penguins shoots the puck past goaltender Henrik Lundqvist #30 of the New York Rangers for a power play goal in the second period during game two of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs on April 27, 2008 at Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images)In the New York area, the discourse surrounding the first two games of the Rangers/Penguins series have been decidedly NOT about hockey. This is not a surprise, as the New York (sports) media is seemingly built on sensationalism and ridicule, but it is more than a little disheartening. But instead of focusing on the Rangers' defensive lapses that erased a 3-0 lead halfway through Game 1 (thanks to twice giving up 2 quick goals, 14 and 20 seconds apart, respectively), and their inability to score during 7 power plays in Game 2, blame for the teams' predicament seems to be focused elsewhere.

If you don't watch hockey all year or have only started to tune in due to the Rangers' recent success, I can understand that you might smell a controversy or feel some injustices have been thrust upon them. Allow me to address some of the accusatory statements that seem to be flying around the Metro area this time of year like so much grass pollen.

1. "Crosby is getting all the calls!" He's a phenomenal player, and thus draws more attention as other teams focus on him. He also skates with the puck like he owns it, and keeps his feet moving through traffic. Therefore, it's no mystery or conspiracy that he draws a lot of penalties. Fast, skilled puckhandlers lead the list of most penalties drawn per game (Crosby, Cole, M. Richards), as do those who complain a lot after the whistle (Avery, Burrows). Late in Game 1, Crosby was interfered with in the neutral zone to prevent a 2-on-1 breakaway from occuring, the exact type of interference infraction that everyone has been complaining about since the invention of the "neutral zone trap". Now people are arguing that it shouldn't have been called a penalty. I'm sorry, you can't have it both ways.

2. "Crosby is a diver!" In Game 2, Tyutin pulled Sid by his shoulder in the corner, and he really had no other choice but to go down. Instead of inspiring his own team to kill the penalty and fight through it, Jagr immediately skated over and bitched at Crosby allegedly accusing him of diving. This helps absolutely no one, and he even later admitted former teammate Super Mario used to get the same superstar treatment. Jagr has let this get into his head, just like Brodeur let Avery get into his noggin in the first round. Instead of getting guarantees and positive talk from their team captain, they get to hear him complaining to the media about the officials--not a good sign.

3. "Crosby is a sissy!" The hell he is. He goes out there and busts his buns EVERY NIGHT. You tell your old man to try dragging Avery and Jagr up and down the ice for 60 minutes.

4. "The NHL wants the Penguins to win!" This statement is total bullshit, as New York is the #1 media market in the country. Furthermore, I'd argue that Bettman is less concerned with ratings than with bringing the Cup to non-traditional hockey cities (Tampa, Carolina, Anaheim), and neither city in this series is in that category.

5. "The refs are screwing the Rangers!" New York penalties = 12 (I didn't count the one Straka got for complaining at the end of Game 1), Pittsburgh penalties = 10. Yeah, that's not exactly an unbalanced screw job there. In Game 1, the Rangers got a PP early and scored, while the Penguins scored on a late PP (which cancel out, since both goals are equal). Meanwhile, the Rangers got two PPs late in Game 2 (13:54, 17:38) and didn't score. The quick whistle before the Rangers seemingly tied up the game was an unfortunate break, but there's nothing you can do about that (and even the Rangers didn't complain as much as the fans have).

As an objective observer with no rooting interest (well, I was rooting for a long OT game on Sunday), they've been calling this series pretty fairly by my estimation, consistent with what we've seen in the regular season. If the Rangers don't shift their focus away from the refs and back on their opponents tonight at MSG, this will be a very short series.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: OVECHKIN CALLED UP

The Onion gets another hockey scoop today, covering Ovechkin's call-up to the "professional" Miami Dolphins.

Reggie, when Ovechkin started off in the NHL do you think that he ever dreamed he'd be able to play sports professionally?

Hockey is challenging, you're going up a bunch of guys that all want to make it to the NFL, or
anywhere else.

It's a huge difference [playing in front a crowd], Michael, there's the cheering, knowing that there's actually fans who are depending on you; it's not just mom and dad anymore.

My wife tells me that skating is a great cardio workout; she's got a pair of those Rollerblades.



NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

Congratulations, Bettman you fuck. You've managed to take the NHL from "that sport, you know, the one that Gretzky plays...ummm, with the hair...oh, oh and there's ice too" to the well-known punchline for so many sports jokes.

Reggie Greengrass; covering all things sports and hockey too.

Monday, April 28, 2008

HOW TO: OVERCOMING A LOST SALE

I imagine that some of our many readers sell stuff for a living. It's a shitty wonderful job, convincing people that they need your stuff. But from time to time, you miss that one big sale.

I just got word today that my 50,000€ (5000€ margin) sale that I've been working on for the last month is going to some brie-eating, beret-wearing, rascist Frenchman, so I figured I would work up a HOW TO to combat the depression that can follow.

Step 1:


















Step 2:



















Step 3 (optional):















Step 4: Repeat Steps 1-3

Step 5: Repeat Step 4

Step 6: Repeat Step 5

I'm currently on Step 5 and it's working like a charm.

Side effects include: Misplaced sense of entitlement, veiled xenophobia and racism, feelings of euphoria, next morning malaise.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: CLINT THE BADASS

Yeah, yeah. This is like the most cliched line in the history of cliched movie lines, but it's easily bloggable at 1:17. Most scenes with Clint Eastwood in them go on for 5 minutes or more and I know that you, our ADHD readers, won't watch that.

Anyway, Clint's always been one of my favorite actors and even more so as a director. I don't love everything that he does, but he manages to portray a cynicism about humanity that is a integral part of my philosophy. Unforgiven, while depressing, is one of my favorite movies and probably my favorite Western. I know that Clint's done a lot of shitty movies, but I think Every Which Way But Loose has gotten a bad rap: Orangutans can be surprisingly good actors!

You gotta ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

RANDOM VIDEO: ESPN AFTER DARK

Why bother watching OT playoff hockey when you have . . . ESPN After Dark?




I looooooooove trick billiards.

Friday, April 25, 2008

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? LOST EDITION

Evangeline Lilly is from Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, where she frequently wore pants to survive the harsh Canadian winters.

Evangeline!

However, after moving to southern California and spending several years filming the show LOST in Hawaii she has begun to dislike her pants intensely. I don't blame her one bit.

Wet Evangeline!

Off with you, evil pants!

Off you with you, evil pants!

WAMU CHARGES YOU TO WHOO HOO!™

I caught this ad on some various website and just thought I'd make you all aware of it. Apparently, Washington Mutual Bank has trademarked the exclamation "Whoo hoo!™" Next time you blurt out this celebratory utterance, WaMu is going to send you a bill for an "administrative fee" for its usage, equal to or greater than the cost of the use of one of their ATMs. What about when that Blur song comes on after a goal during a hockey game? Yes, all 20,000 fans PLUS those "whoo-hooing" along at home will owe the bank money. In fact, Homer Simpson officially owes the bank about $452,000, retroactive to 1989. WaMu offers WaMu Free Checking™ (whoo hoo!™ not included).

How anyone can claim the rights to "Whoo hoo!™" is beyond me. This is akin to Monster Cable claiming they own the the word "monster" and trying to sue other companies who use it from Monster.com, Monster Garage, the "Monster Seats" at Fenway, and Pixar's Monsters, Inc. Even the Monsters of the Midway, the Chicago Bears, are not immune, even though they predate the aforementioned maker of the most unnecessarily expensive electronics accessories on the planet by about 100 years. Who are they kidding?

To this I say, F-Yu WaMu!

(One other question: what does it mean to "pre-shop"? I saw this on a sale flyer for a furniture store, wherein a salesperson invites you to do so before speaking with them. I'm going to use this line next time some commission-jonesing worker accosts me in a store: "No, I'm not shopping for a new bed, I'm only PRE-shopping. I will contact you at the exact moment I officially switch to 'shop' mode.")

UPDATE: I have a way around this trademark: make sure you always say/type "WOO HOO!" and not "Whoo hoo!™" That should hold up in court.

WOO HOO!

WRIST SHOTS: HEY PHILLY, AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR HOCKEY TEAMS WON!

MONTREAL, CANADA- APRIL 24: Tom Kostopoulos #6 of the Montreal Canadiens jumps into the arms of teammate Michael Komisarek #8 after scoring the game winning goal against the Philadelphia Flyers in Game One of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs on April 24, 2008 at the Bell Centre in Montreal, Canada. The Montreal Canadiens defeated the Philadelphia Flyers 4-3 in overtime. (Photo by Phillip MacCallum/Getty Images)The most exciting finish of the playoffs so far . . . wasn't even on TV in the States (unless you live in Philly). Kovalev, who excels everywhere but in NYC, scored a game-tying PP goal with :29 remaining, and Montréal went on to win 4-3 in OT in Game 1 vs. the Philthy Lyers.

I could go on a rant here about the crappy Bettman-authorized TV deals ('exclusive' broadcasts and 'pay per view' at a time when poor ratings should force the league to make playoff games available for free???), but let's just say I'm pissed that I had to witness the end of this game on a low quality online streaming feed. Yes, I refuse to pay $169 for non-HD hockey (some Canadians fork over $13 for single PPV games and $20 for HD, which is beyond absurd).

As for the game's outcome Philly.com is crying foul, but did they already forget the incidental goalie interference against Huet in Game 7 that got them here? That was only 3 days ago! I mean, I forget what I had for breakfast (toast? cereal? coffee, definitely) but I'm not a paid sports journalist. Anyway, shut the hell up, you're lucky to still be skating.

In positive Philly news, the Philadelphia Phantoms beat the Albany River Rats 3-2 in 5 OT last night. Here are the stats:

  • The total game time was 142 minutes, 58 seconds (longest in AHL history), with the winning goal coming at 2:58 of the 5th overtime.

  • The game took 5 hours 38 minutes to complete, ending at 12:39 A.M.

  • Albany goalie Michael Leighton stopped 98 of 101 shots (both are AHL records).

  • Total shots on goal for both teams was 168 (Philly 101, Albany 67).
98 saves and he lost? Wow, that stinks.

Meanwhile, Detroit seemed to score on every early shot (and hit the post when it didn't go in) chasing Theodore out of the game (4 goals on 16 shots), en route to a 4-3 win vs. the Avs. Rob commented about the statement "Colorado center Peter Forsberg did not play because of a groin injury": "Can you believe it, the Times put this old story in TODAY'S paper! Come on! This is from, like, 5 years ago!" Ha ha, that's rich! Must be a typo because I'm pretty sure Floppa retired and owns a Volvo dealership in Örnsköldsvik . . .

Tonight: Avery Avery Avery Avery Sid, Sid Sid Avery Avery Avery Sid Sid Sid! Avery? Sid! (I am so fucking sick of the sports media.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: [NOT THAT] BRAWL FROM THE 90s

I'm not sure if this really counts as a "brawl." It's more like some scattered fisticuffs, but why not post a pre-Rob-Ray-Rule topless Rob Ray on the blog. I know that assholeness is in the eye of the fan, but I never liked that dick Claude Lemieux. I'm sure that others think the same of Rob Ray, but he played for my team. For the record, I never liked Barnaby even when he played in Buffalo.

Scotty Stevens checks himself into the boards in his enthusiasm to get involved, but eventually the oiled-torso of Rob Ray is too much and he has his way with Lemieux.



(You all thought I was going to post the Wings/Avs brawl from 1997 didn't you?. To be honest, I was tempted to, but while watching Lemieux turtle, found this link and figured, why the hell not. No one is paying attention to the Sabres or the Devils at this point, may as well be the exception. Here's the link to the real-time brawl, not that Detroit propaganda that certain sites are selling)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

NHL 2002 PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

Over 6 years in the making, here are the playoff predictions as simulated by EA's NHL 2002 (PC) using the current playoff rosters:

[WEST]
Detroit def. Nashville in 6
San Jose def. Calgary in 6
Colorado def. Minnesota in 5
Anaheim def. Dallas in 4

Detroit def. Colorado in 4
Anaheim def. San Jose in 6

DETROIT def. ANAHEIM in 7

[EAST]
Boston def. Montreal in 4
Pittsburgh def. Ottawa in 7
Philly def. Washington in 4
New York def. New Jersey in 7

Pittsburgh def. Boston in 6
Philly def. New York in 6

PITTSBURGH def. PHILLY in 6

[FINALS]
PITTSBURGH def. DETROIT in 7

Conn Smythe: Sidney Crosby (6G-18A)
__________________________________________
Recap:

NHL 2002 got 6/8 correct in the first round, which is not as good as the mighty NHL 08 and not as bad as me.
The Ducks played like their 2007 incarnation until running into the Red Wings.
I think the Boston sweep of Montréal had a lot to do with Carey Price's low rating (which I did not adjust).
I even played Game 7 as the Devils, and still couldn't beat the Rangers (Jagr scored in OT to win 5-4), so I guess it wasn't meant to be.

NHL PLAYOFFS ROUND 2: MY HORRIBLE PICKS

I like being allowed to reset the teams and choose again, since I only had one Eastern team correct the first go-around. I'm going to do that during the NCAA basketball tournament next year.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference

(1) Montréal vs. (6) Philadelphia. The Habs should have never gone 7 games against Boston, but Price showed his rookieness a little too much. However, this Philthy team is only here because they beat an exhausted Kaps team, and are now going up against a much deeper opponent.
Habs in 6.


(2) Pittsburgh vs. (5) New York Rangers. Hopefully, we can stop talking about Sean Motherfucking Avery and his stupid antics when he all but disappears in this series. He can stand on his giant empty head for all I care, he's useless if he doesn't score. I don't think the Rangers D can really handle the speed of the Pens, but they'll give it a shot. Jagr, Gomez and Drury will get their points, but they won't have an answer for Malkin and Hossa. Though I'm still not sold on MAF, the defense in front of him has been great, anchored by Gonchar. Oh, and they have a guy named Sid Crosby, you might want to keep an eye on him as a future star. Penguins in 6.

Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
(1) Detroit vs. (6) Colorado. The Red Wings are going to hang around for at least one more round, mainly because Osgood looks as good as he has in years. Sakic and Floppa have got to be tired by now, right? I don't know how they skate in that thin air in Denver, I get winded after 45 seconds. Hejduk, skating in the cold, and your team is growing old, can you help me? Wings in 6.

(2) San Jose vs. (5) Dallas. Everyone thinks the Sharks learned their lesson from their stumbling series against the Flames. Who shot JR out of a cannon in the first round? I thought he retired. I really don't know what to make of Dallas, as they seemed much more solid, fast and tough than previously thought. Turco has been stellar, Nabakov has looked ordinary. Dammit. I'm flip flopping on this one, and was about to write Stars in 7 . . . but I'm sticking to Sharks in 7.

NHL PLAYOFFS ROUND 2: FRANCE WEIGHS IN

Here's how I see it for round 2:

Prince of Wales:

(1) Montreal v (6) The Lyers: Last series, I routed against Danielle and he scored 11 points (with 6 goals) in 7 games. The Lyers avoided the game 7 meltdown that everyone was predicting after G6. They managed to overcome the Ovie-hype. I still hate those fuckers. Montreal, on the other hand, managed to drag a 4-game series out to 7 (I wonder how much they pull in at the Molson Centre (Bell Centre? I can't keep up) for two extra games?). Carey Price played a couple games like the dumb rookie that he is. The previous 91 words mean nothing.
Les Habitants en six matches

(2) Penguins v (5) NYR: Sidney Christ (still my preferred name) is starting to get on my nerves. Wait, it's actually the Penguin's bandwagon jumpers are starting to get on my nerves. Sidney plays fine hockey. Malkin's good. Marianne Hossa managed to make it through 5 whole games (a whole series!) without shattering a vital body part. Things are looking up in Western PA. Sidney is good for the sport as a whole: The league needs as much coverage as possible and hopping on Sid's back seems to be the fastest way to more viewer ship. Avery is the biggest twunt to grace a hockey rink since Tie Domi got fired by the Leaves. The Rangers don't really interest me that much. They are, however, a NY hockey team and I am kind of partial to them.
NYR in 6

Campbell Conference

Ugh. I was 3-1 out West and that was pure luck. I know even less now. Meh. What the fuck, I'll give it the old college try.

(1) Detroit v (6) Colorado: I thought Detroit were a lock in the last round and they nearly let the fucking South rise again. Hasek played like a 43-year old geriatrics patient and the Wings didn't impress at all. Colorado also had a bit of trouble with the Wild. I think that Colorado has a chance if they manage to play really well, but I don't think that that will happen. Detroit hasn't been playing great, but they've got too much depth to not make it to the Campbell Conference Finals.
Detroit in 7

(2) SJS v (5) Dallas: I called a Dallas loss last round and I was wrong. I called a Sharks win last round and minus a few Roenick heroics, I was wrong. I don't know. The Sharks have been destined by many a talking head to be this year's Cup recipients, but I wasn't really impressed with their game against Calgary. Ugh. Enough bullshit. I'm going against Dallas again.
SJS in 6

NOTHING BUT CRAP: NBC SPORTS SIGNS ON FOR ANOTHER "SEASON"

NBC Sports has decided to extend their reign of error to include broadcasting NHL hockey during the 2008-09 season. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Wait, yes I can, I have a blog. This is the same NBC Sports who:

* Stopped showing Game 5 of the 2007 Stanley Cup semifinal during overtime to show horsies;
* Don't begin NHL broadcasts until January, apparently not realizing the season starts 3 months earlier;
* Frequently schedule games as early as noon, to get them out of the way of their golf broadcasts;
* Have a horribly layed out website featuring useless in-game oddities like "Crosby-Cam";
* Despite a "flex schedule" they showed the same teams ad nauseum (Rangers and Penguins were in 7 of the 10 East Coast feed games);
* Feature Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury bitching at each other during intermission, a duo that not only doesn't bring anything to the table, they actually start removing things and smashing them on the ground (yes, Pierre called Washington "The Crapitals");
* Taking play-by-play man Doc Emrick during the playoffs and sticking him in places like Detroit, just when the Devils broadcasts need him the most.

It's also no coincidence that the NHL fixed the schedule so NBC can slobber all over Sid during Game 2 vs. the Rangers on Sunday afternoon, thus screwing Philly in the process by giving them only one day off before trekking to Montréal.

I could go on, but you get the crappy picture: they have no knowledge of the sport, barely find any space to squeeze it into their schedule (WOW, NINE WHOLE GAMES NEXT SEASON!), and when it's finally on they treat it with a complete lack of respect. The NHL should be as proud as a peacock to have them on board for an other year.

Bettman, you suck.

2008 NHL STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS: FIRST ROUND REPORT CARD

ICE GIRLS!The second round of the 2008 Stanley Cup playoffs starts tonight, so it's time for a first round blognostication report cards.

Kris: 6/8. Great job by the BIGGEST SABRES FAN IN FRANCE, considering he can only view barely-illegal hockey through his laptop using a convoluted collection of wires, aluminum foil, ball bearings, duct tape and whiskey. Additionally, the distance allowed him to not get sucked in by Ovechkin Fever like I did, and he learned to stop worrying and love Sid n' MAF.
Grade: B+

Jeff: 5/8. I got the entire Campbell Conference correct despite only being able to see about 8% of the games on VERSUS. However, I choked on the Wales, only picking the Habs to move on, as the Devs and Sens turned out to be just as crappy as they appeared to be.
Grade: C

Rob: 1/1. After the Devils won home ice the last day of the regular season, he sent me a text message saying: "Meh. Rangers in 5." Spot on!
Grade: INCOMPLETE

Every Facet Of The Game blog made a nifty comparison chart comparing human "hockey expert" picks vs. EA Sports' NHL 08. As it turns out the computer simulation got 100% of its picks correct. Now that's scary. As Wyshynski deftly noted, ESPN's Barry Melrose was rocked by Barry Melrose Rocks. Special shout-out to Ashley at Ultimate Hat Trick who got 7/8 correct. Nicely done! I guess it pays to spend a lot of time in the hockey hotbed of Nova Scotia. (Slow down there, Maestro: there's a NEW Scotland?)

Anyway, in light of this shocking news I will be posting my own computer predictions using NHL 2002 on the PC with the current playoff rosters. I doubt they will be as accurate as these, but who knows?

(Coming soon, as I forgot to bring the game with me to work.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: AND I THOUGHT MY COMMUTE HOME SUCKED

Not only does Sergei Kostitsyn play in one of the most critical markets in hockey, he also has to avoid rampant Habs fans running through the streets and climbing all over his car.

At least, as Wyshynski put it, they didn't burn his Porsche 911 and instead just chose to wave and take camera-phone pictures.

(Note: I'm pretty sure the video image is reversed and Kostitsyn doesn't have a UK-spec Porsche).



[Youtube via NHL Experts Blog]

I haven't really thought much about those crazy Canadians burning cop cars in celebration of their series win (it's only the first round!), but you know what? I can't really care. People are stupid. They'll continue to be stupid. How lighting cars on fire somehow tells your favorite team 'YOU GUYS ROCK' I'll never know. Even at my drunkest, I've never been tempted to burn things; maybe some harmless vandalism (kicking a garbage can or something), but I just don't get the 'we won, let's go break some shit' mentality.

Good luck Jeff: I hope the Habs 1) Lose before you're there or 2) Don't play any important games (maybe the series will just start and you'll only have to live through games 1-3 of a series) when you're in Montreal.

Since I don't know where to put this, and I don't want to make a separate post AND this post is all about NHL HOCKEY EXPERTS BLOG LOVE, I just want to point out the absolute hilarity of having a fan from the winning team write an "eulogy" for the losing team of each series. People do not get tongue-in-cheek humor and take things way too seriously. The Massholes seem to be the worst, but that's just my opinion:

whatever! you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, pause, you're gay, you'r gay! nuff said!

just like a montreal fan to shoot off when they win and hide under their poutine when they don't. Boston is the best sports town in North America right now.

there is NOTHING more gay than Canada!
Eh, maybe not. There was a lot of vitriol in the Wild eulogy.
it always seems one sided with you avs people. i guess your heads are too big to see both sides.

The Avs suck. This guy is a grade A imbicile [there's a certain amount of wonderful irony when someone misspells a would-be insult of intelligence], which goes to show any monkey with a keyboard can run a blog.

I can see that people are forgetting about the issue at hand. The whole series went down hill once Peter "Flopsberg" decided he wanted to play like a panzy and try to get things done the silly nanny way
Wait, I have forgotten those great people from Jersey, who are well-known for being mild-mannered and classy:
Shows the intelligence of Greg the tool Wy [profane]ski.....when get off your knees and stop blownin Sean [Avery]...write a real column.

possibly the most biased, poorly written, useless piece of garbage i have ever read with my own eyes. written about the biggest piece of garbage [Sean Avery] and excuse for a professional hockey player i think i have ever seen. Just a poor, poor piece of material all around.

I enjoyed reading your article in yahoo sports. Your extreme hate for the devils oozes like the venom from a snake bite.
I'm guessing that Greg Wyshynski, likes the Rangers a lot.
[Wyshynski's a Devils fan]
I can understand that people don't like to read insulting comments about their team, but have a sense of humor; it's only a sport. And the great thing is that every team in the playoffs will get the same treatment, except the one that wins the cup.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

COLBERT-SPANGLED BANNER

What was the best thing to come out of the Pennsylvania Democratic primary? Why, Stephen Colbert singing the National Anthem (with John Legend), of course.



GOD BLESS COLBERICA!

Stephen also had a typically awkward appearance on Larry King (Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4) talking about the "Colbert Bump", Hillary's "unkillableness" and Barack's "hope bong". Larry only gets about 7% of the jokes, and I think he also called one of the Democratic candidates "Oback".

CRISATUNITY : TURNING CRISIS INTO OPPORTUNITY

[Edit: Fixed the Simpsons reference in the title]

I don't know much about this whole plastic "scare" that's been going around teh interwebs. Someone told me a while ago (~2 years) that you shouldn't drink bottled water that's been sitting around for a long time because of chemicals in the bottles (and this article is from May/June 2006), which means someone had an idea that it was dangerous well before last week. From the NY Times article about this:

While there is debate about how much of a health worry BPA really is, retailers including Wal-Mart have said they are withdrawing baby products made with it. Nalgene, the maker of a popular sports bottle, and the baby-products maker Playtex have announced they will stop using it.
Of-fucking-course. Now all you assholes who bought baby bottles or any other fucking food receptacle that was made out of plastic need to go back to Wal-Mart and buy another one. QUICKLY DAMNIT YOUR BABY'S LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SHOULDER

With Patrick Marleau looking for his little doggie last week and AO hitting everything in sight over the past few games, I got thinking about great hockey hits. But the thing is that all the great hits in the NHL have already been seen time and again. There was even a contest to determine the best NHL hit a few weeks back.

So the obvious next step it to find some hits from other leagues. There's some practicality here too: In the NHL everyone is around the same level and even the small players get used to playing against 6'4" defensemen, but in the NCAA and international leagues, you can find widely varying degrees of skill and size.



I am sorry for the idiotic writing that someone felt was necessary in making this video.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

WRIST SHOTS: D.C. D-RAILED

Just when I was ready to hop aboard the Ovechkin Train and ride it deep into the playoffs (I swear he scored that game tying goal WITH HIS MIND), the Phucking Philthy Lyers win in OT to derail that dream.

Philadelphia Flyers' Joffrey Lupul, right, works his way around Washington Capitals goalie Cristobal Huet (38), of France, en route to the game-winning goal during overtime of Game 7 of an NHL hockey playoff series Tuesday, April 22, 2008, in Washington. The Flyers won 3-2 to take the series.<br />(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

HUET! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING? THE PUCK IS OVER THERE! Never mind, dumb ass. Remind me to never root for a team with a French goalie.

The matchups are now set in the Wales: Rangers @ Sidsburgh (Friday), and Philthy @ Montréal (Thursday), who will meet in the playoffs for the first time since 1989.

I can't even bear to watch the Flames/Sharks game . . .

WRIST SHOTS: OVECHKIN!

Washington Capitals' Alexander Ovechkin, of Russia, jumps into the arms of his teammates after scoring the first of his two goals in the third period of Game 6 of the Eastern Conference quarter final hockey playoffs with the Philadelphia Flyers, Monday, April 21, 2008, in Philadelphia. The Capitals won 4-2 tying the series 3-3. <br />(AP Photo/Tom Mihalek)Ovechkin was at his Ovechkinest last night, laying out hits and scoring 2 goals in the 3rd, including the go-ahead goal on a breakaway, as the Kapital Komrades scored 4 unexplained goals to bury the Philthy Lyers 4-2 and force a Game 7. Dare I say that Number Eight was . . . considerably above average? No, that doesn't have a good ring to it. I'll call him "Alexander The Excellent".

Nothing brings out the clichés like playoff hockey. Kris pointed me towards this WaPo article oh-so-creatively entitled "Ovechkin Has One Goal In Mind" which has this deep and enlightening quote:

"If we win, then the next game will be the final one for both teams. And if we lose, we're done and our season will be over."

Although he was talking about Game 6, the second sentence also applies to Game 7 tonight. The last time the Philthy Lyers were up 3 games to 1 and lost a series in a Game 7, Lindros was lying on his side on the ice after having his brain temporarily disconnected from his body by Scott Stevens. Here's hoping history repeats itself tonight.

The Flames have been in too many Game 7 situations to even count. All I know is I've seen this video dusted off and blogified everywhere, so why shouldn't we? Caution: you can't touch a flame when it's RED HOT.



After watching that brutal video (seriously, that's worse than getting RickRoll'd), I say that the Sharks will win.

Speaking of red hot, is it really necessary to burn cars when you win the first round of the NHL playoffs? I'm going to be in Montréal in a few weeks, and I can only hope it's not during a clinching game. I think the douchebag mayor of Montréal should declare a "2 for 1" night at the contact strip clubs to keep the miscreants off the streets. I blame Los Expos leaving town for the restlessness of the Quebecois.

Rob pointed this out: "Wow, Habs have defeated the Bruins in 24 playoff series. Good Lord, and [Boston fans] hate the Yankees?" I think the Bruins are cursed -- the Curse of the Bourquebino!

TUESDAY TIMEKILLER™: EARTH DAY IDEAS

HAPPY EARTH DAY, EVERYONE!


We here at the ever socially-conscious OPEN HOCKEY BLOG have decided that we are going to do everything we can to pitch in and help become more "green" and "reduce our carbon footprint" and "environmental catch-phrase". Here are a few things we came up with:

☺ When I hit a bucket of golf balls, I will retrieve each one personally instead of making the driving range workers drive around and pick them up. (Jeff K)

☺ I will fill my car up with fuel made from food, thus simultaneously saving the planet and starving a dozen African children that are infesting its surface. (Rob)

☺ I will run my HPLC at 0.99 mL/min today instead of 1.00, which is well within the acceptable limits as outlined in our standard operating procedures, to save 3.24 mL of H2O today. (Jeff K)

☺ I will watch hockey by candlelight, and turn off the HDTV/surround sound receiver between periods. (Jeff K)

☺ I will eat as much beef as possible because my understanding is that those bastards output a lot of methane. (Kris)

☺ I will only flip off asshole drivers in non-hybrid vehicles. (Jeff K)

☺ I will drive to the mall and purchase compact fluorescent light bulbs. When the store doesn't have the right ones, I will drive to the other nearby Target store where hopefully they have some in stock. The lines will be annoyingly long so I will end up driving to Home Depot instead, unless I find that Lowe's has a cheaper price. When I get home, I will replace the current working light bulbs I have only to find that not only does it take a half hour for the CFs to light up the room, but that I hate the sterile glow they give off. On top of that, my lamp shade no longer fits correctly due to the bulb's odd shape. I will put the CFs in my closet to be used only in an emergency. (Jeff K)

☺ I’ll try to make my "carbon footprint" more like this. (Rob)



☺ I will turn out the lights in one of the offices here and take a hearty nap, thus saving electricity and decreasing my O2 consumption/CO2 emissions. (Rob)

☺ Instead of wasting precious fossil fuels to cook my dinner, I will cook a chicken over the natural glow of my neighbor's burning shed. (Jeff K)

☺ Replace my 47 hp Briggs & Stratton 2-cycle oil and gas-powered alarm clock with a more conventional plug-in type. (Rob)

☺ I will walk to the restaurant for lunch and eat only recycled sushi. (Jeff K)

☺ Read nytimes.com directly from the monitor screen each day instead of printing out every story in 48 point extra bold font on cotton bond paper. (Rob)

☺ I will only listen to CDs featuring musicians that employ acoustic instrumentation instead of those with wasteful electric guitars and synthesizers. (Jeff K)

☺ I will print out instructions from several dozens of "green" websites regarding the proper way to plant a tree. (Jeff K)

☺ I will reduce my carbon footprint by wearing heels and not walking through soot. (karl)

☺ I will throw out my current car (which runs fine, gets about 35 MPG and has completely amortized the carbon footprint from its manufacture) for a brand new Prius (nickel in the batteries, shipped from Japan, brand-new materials BUT gets up to 55 MPG). Because we all know we can't save the earth by driving sensibly (and consuming less); we can only save the earth by shoving our awesome environmental consciousness in the face of our neighbors. (Take that Flanders!) (Kris)

ALL CYNICISM ASIDE, THIS IS A GREAT IDEA

I was looking for more Random Youtubery candidates on youtube and I happened to watch this video for Noon Solar Bags. Yes, the chicks look like hippies and yeah, on the face of it, this is a silly idea, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is really an idea that have great potential to break out. Most Prius people drive Prii because their friends and family know that, short of being BFF with Al Gore, the Prius is the single best way to stop global warming. Yes, this may shock some people, but some "environmentalists" are actually in it for the image.

What better way to say "I'd fuck Al Gore" than to walk around with a solar panel on your bag? This may further shock some of you, but nearly half of their resellers are in Los Angeles, where down-to-earth is something that can be bought at Starbucks with an Organic, Free-Trade Latte. In their FAQ's they even tell you how you have to use it, to get maximum battery charging:

Place it in your window at work or home, face the panel towards the sun at a café, or walk/bike around town with the panel exposed.
Yep, the best way to use it is 100% compatible with telling the world that they can stick their Nalgene bottle right up their ass, because you've got a solar-fucking-panel on your bag. No coal was burnt to power your BlackBerry or your iPod and no petroleum was used to make your bag.

Of course in keeping with their target market, it is delivered with a USB cable, an iPod charger cable and they are allegedly working on a big enough battery to power a laptop.

I truly think that this is, from a business perspective, a brilliant idea. You can not tap into people's greenwashing, faddish nature enough in 2008. Toyota is virtually untouchable on environmental issues, even though they sell one full-size pickup truck and a whole shitload of SUVs. Prius = Good.

I do think that pratically I would like to see a product that could charge a battery in 4-6 hours that could power my laptop for 2-3 hours. I don't see much use in being able to charge my iPod or cell phone (I'm OCD with my phone battery, so I rarely have a problem there) and I'm sure that there are much more practical products out there for iPods, but this type of product does have a certain level of promise.

No word on the price, but I would assume you could buy a cheap laptop (or a few iPods) for the same price as they are charging for these babies.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: LAY ON THE ICE LIKE A BROAD

This video made its way around the interwebs a few years ago, but you can never watch Canadians insulting Canadians too much.

As I didn't follow hockey in the early 90s, I'm not 100% sure of the characters, but I am lead to believe that Canuck Bryan Trottier and Kevin Stevens use every word in the book against fellow Canuck Brian Bellows.

[Obviously NSFW language]

Monday, April 21, 2008

YOU LOST ME

This video is hilarious: "LOST" summed up in 4 minutes 24 seconds.



"Sun is pregnant but Jin is sterile--what's up with that?"
"They see Jack play football with Mr. Friendly. Mr. Friendly throws like a girl."
"Jack has a screwdriver for breakfast."


Of course, there are a whole bucket load of details it leaves out (LOSTPEDIA takes care of that), but overall it sums up the ABC show's storyline quite succinctly. So if you haven't seen it yet, you have no excuse now. Conversely, if you never watched it now you know why. Either way, let's face it, there's really nothing else to watch.

WRIST SHOTS: ROOT, ROOT, ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM?

New Jersey Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur (30) and New York Rangers' Sean Avery skate past each other as their teammates shake hands after the Rangers beat the Devils 5-3 in Game 5 of a first-round NHL playoff hockey series Friday night, April 18, 2008 at the Prudential Center in Newark, N.J. The Rangers eliminated the Devils 4-1 in the best-of-seven games series. (AP Photo/Bill Kostroun) When you have a rooting interest and your team loses in the first round, it's hard to give a shit and write about hockey. The Great Wyshynski manages to plug away despite the Devils demise, but then again he gets a paycheck. I'm going to agree with the fans at MSG: Brodeur played like complete crap during this series. He stunk on ice in the five games, letting in some softies en route to a 2.98 GAA, and let Sean "Fucking" Avery get under his skin, even (rightfully) snubbing him during the handshake. All season I knew this Devils team isn't that good, but I thought they were at least good enough to beat an enigmatic and erratic Rangers team, led by Jaromir "What The Fuck Is The Euro Trash Beard On Your Face" Jagr. I know Marty had a great regular season, but just how many times will there be a "next year" for him?

All I know is that I'm suddenly surrounded by Rangers fans who weren't here in October, which proves this town is filled with more fair-weather fans than ever before. I can't wait for these people can go back to watching the Yankees or the stock market or whatever they were doing before discovering last week that New York City has a hockey team. But you know what? Despite the fact they knocked off my team I'm going to be a man and actually root for the Rangers to represent the Wales, or at least go down fighting. That's right, the very team that eliminated my team (essentially, this was payback for the 2006 sweep). How many Rangers fans would root for the Devils if the situation was reversed? I'm thinking approximately zero, since all of them thought it funny to say things like: "Thanks for all the home games in Newark" (screw Newark, you can have it) and "Marty sucks!" (overall, he doesn't, and as good as he is Lundqvist will never match his ridiculous career stats). Yes, I'm hoping New York buries anyone they come across, especially if it's the Philthy Lyers. In fact I would love a Montreal/Rangers Original Six matchup, if I had to chose right now.

(Of course I'm also rooting for Avery to fall down a flight of stairs and break his skull, but that's a different, more personal story. Oh, and Rangers fans who call the Devils goalkeeper "Martha" can also fall in front of a NJ Transit train on their way out of Newark for all I care.)

* Golf season may be on hold for Tiger Woods, but it just started for me on Friday (I played in Maine, no less!), a day earlier than the Devils. (Actually, how many hockey players actually play golf? They always make the "tee time" joke this time of year, but I don't think many of them play.)

* Meanwhile, if the Lyers and Massholes both win tonight I could go 0-for-the-Wales Conference with my blognostications (again, I feel sorry for you if you listened to me). Out in the Campbell, I managed to correctly pick the Red Wings, Stars (to "upset" the Ducks), and the Avalanche (to upset the Wild). I'm so happy for Willa Ford, who chose to marry an American hockey player who led his team to a first round win. I'm so ecstatic that I had to post another picture of Mrs. Mike Modano.

Ms. Modano is a piece of ass!

* With Osgood now taking over for the Red Wings, is Hasek done? I see him going back to Buffalo next year to back up Miller, just like old times. The Ray Emery era is over for the Sens, which leads me to ask: was there ever a Ray Emery era? No, no there wasn't, as you have to accomplish something in order to have an "era" named after you.

* In their continuing effort to completely shit all over tradition, the NHL will fine anyone $10,000 for spinning around any octopi. In other words, Bettman sucks.

* Chris Pronger spent his teams' final minute of play where he belongs: in the penalty box, feeling shame after getting called for cross checking. Have a shitty summer, Chris!

* By the way, Marty, Henrik and Nabby have been named the Vezina Trophy finalists. Here's the breakdown:
BRODEUR: 2.17, .920, 4 SO, 44-27-6
LUNDQVIST: 2.23, .912, 10 SO, 37-24-10
NABAKOV: 2.14, .910, 6 SO, 46-21-8

It's a close race, and though my East Coast Bias says it's between Marty and Henrik . . . I think Nabakov will win it.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: HUET'S TWO-HAND SAVE

I know that this video is from last week but I couldn't find it on Friday and I try to avoid touching my computer over the weekend.

My favorite part of this video is Huet reading the play and dropping his stick before the shot is even made. Yeah the save it good and all, but it's his read on the play that I like.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

WALL-MOUNTED SORNY: THE KAPITALS DEFEAT THE CRYERS

My newly-wall-mounted SORNY played host to the showing of Game 5 as the Komrades defeated the Lyers to send the series to a sixth game.

The craptacular duo of Pierre MacGuire and Mike Milbury suck as much as always and the streaming video left some to be desired (I lost the puck multiple times due to the pixelization), but the game was live and I managed to watch it on the TV...It was almost like old times, watching live hockey in the states.





















Yes, those cables will be gone sooner or later. As with everything in my house, it won't be easy because I have to drill through the wall, then the a layer of sheetrock, a layer of fiberglass insulation and a thick piece of wood, but it'll be awesome once I have shelves build and the cables hidden.

Friday, April 18, 2008

RANDOM YOUTUBERY BONUS: OMG! HE DID WHAT?

I don't know who I'll be voting for come November, but it's much less like to be Barack Obama [bin Laden] now that he's done the on-the-sly middle finger salute to Queen Hillary.

Wait, I got that wrong, I'd be more likely to vote for him.

However, since we don't like our politicians to have a sense of humor, we're bound to hear people screaming "Won't someone think of the children."



[LA Times Blogs via the Farking Farkers at Fark.com]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

I've been saying for years that "Knocked Up" would have benefited from a reduced amount of Seth Rogen...no wait; I've been saying that it would have benefited from a reduced amount of Judd Apatow, meh, it was crap either way.

Anyway: If they had avoided Rogen and gone with Michael Cera, I think I could have liked the movie more (although it still would have been a Judd Apatow production). Unfortunately there were apparent creative differences between Cera and Judd (and it doesn't look like Cera got along with Katherine Heigl much after this little incident).

Moderately NSFW language unless your boss likes f-bombs, in which case it's completely SFW.



Who's...hey can anyone find...who's directing this movie? does anyone know?
You know what, Mike, why don't you direct yourself?

You know what? I'm fucking tired of your bullshit - you're a fucking asshole. Your show isn't even on the air anymore!

Mark this day in your books. I wrote about Judd Apatow without hate.

[EDIT: you didn't think I could make it through an entire post without some Apatow-hate: Apparently "Apatow" has been adjectified apatovian made an appearance in Slate. Fuck Judd afterall]

Thursday, April 17, 2008

WRIST SHOTS: BEAR WITH ME

The Bruins have a secret weapon to help them beat Les Habitants tonight.



There's nothing in the NHL rule book that prohibits it, so it's all perfectly legal (just like Avery's antics, or Barry Bonds sticking a needle in his ass). The Bruins have reportedly signed him to a 12 year/$48 million deal, and the Russian Superleagues are outraged. I fully expect Colin Campbell to add an "unsportmanslike ursine" penalty to stop such egregious wrongdoing in the future.

Yeah, I'm phoning it in too. Let's just mention quickly:

* Marty flopped and dove his way to an embarrassing Game 4 loss last night (or so I've heard, I didn't watch one second of it and I feel better for it) as Staal's winner gave the Rangers a virtually insurmountable 3-1 series lead (and made up for his Game 3 off-the-skate-own-goal-in-OT).

* Some might say the Sens played lifeless hockey, that they're gutless, or their star players didn't step up, but I say this is the real reason they were swept:



I don't know where to start with that, but it appears that Sens Army is ambiguously gay and into cosplay. The part where the helmet falls down cracks me up everytime (next time go with JOFA instead of RBK). I'm just really pissed that I didn't picked them to lose in the first round, which is what I do every year! I'll show myself out.

* But not before mentioning that the Preds tied up the series with the Red Wings last night. As you can see, Maranda is really excited about this!

Photo thanks to All Things Hockey

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE INEVITABILITY OF GRAVITY

Rally racing is my favorite type of racing because it's a much bigger test of driver skill than many of the other types of track-based racing. A traditional rally takes place over a few days with varying types of road surface over 100s of kilometers and the driver is totally reliant on his co-driver who made one quick pass over the road at the beginning of the rally and now must guide the car at 100mph+.

Formula 1 is all about which manufacturer has the biggest budget for engineering. NASCAR is based on turning left and driving straight. There are some types of racing that are more interesting, like touring cars and the like, but overall, I like rally racing best (and V-Rally2 is by far the best racing game ever made for Playstation).

One of the other reasons that rally racing rocks is that you always have cars flying into things (or people), flipping upside-down (they generally continue after a helping hand from the crowd - try that with your Toyota!) and other crazy shenangans. However, after this little journey, I don't think that the driver of this Peugeot 206 kept going.



In case you were wondering, yes, I'm phoning this one in today. I forgot about it until just now (5pm CET) and don't have the time or energy to find anything else.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

WRIST SHOTS: YEEEEEOUCH!

Since I don't have any real hockey comments today, here's a picture of Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby in a rather interesting pose.

KANATA, CANADA - APRIL 14: Sidney Crosby #87 of the Pittsburgh Penguins stretches to receive a pass from teammate Pascal Dupuis #9 while facing the Ottawa Senators during game three of the 2008 NHL Eastern Conference Quarterfinals on April 14, 2008 at Scotia Bank Place in Kanata, Ontario, Canada. (Photo by Dave Sandford/Getty Images)<br />
(Photo by Dave Sandford/Getty Images)

If I tried to do that while playing hockey, my groin would completely detach from my body. YEEEEEOUCH! Expect a sweep of the lifeless Senators tonight.

One other note: Greg Wyshynski, formerly of the Deadspin NHL Closer, is over at the Exclamation Point now as part of the elite circle known as Yahoo! NHL Experts blog. Good to see a Jersey boy doing well. If you can, steer your browser in the proper direction (after taking the jughandle) and check out his fine work. (Mr. W is not affiliated with Yahoo! Answers.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: SEXUAL HARASSMENT CAN BE FUNNY + BONUS DYHP

[Update: This video seems to be having problems. I hope the internets fix the problem]

Directed by my favorite director ever - Judd Apatow - Hayden Panettiere tells us, umm, something. I believe she is talking or something about whatever...ummm. Is she 18?

I just checked it. It turns out that you, our faithful readers, are legally required to drool. She's been 18 for almost 9 months.



[Funnyordie via Slate]

Even though Jeff generally does the DON'T YOU HATE PANTS postings (and does them better) I can't ignore her apparent extreme aversion to pants.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

LEGAL ALERT: EMMA WATSON

By an overwhelming margin (32%) you voted for more "broads" on this website, and we're all about giving you what you want here on the Open Hockey Blog. So here's Emma Watson, who plays li'l Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies. Most importantly, she just turned 18 today!



Yeah, she's not really that "hot" compared to Those Who Hate Pants, but I like to think of her as Lindsay Lohan's straight-laced, pasty-white British cousin (you've all been forced to watch the remake of The Parent Trap, right?). She's the Anti-Lohan! That is, until she moves to Hollywood and gets all whored up. Look for that to happen once the Harry Potter checks stop coming.

One quick question: once a chick becomes legal, is it okay to leer at pictures of her taken when she was younger? I need a ruling on this, because I've got some pictures of Hayden Panettiere (who turned legal last August) on file.

YAHOO! ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS WITH MORE QUESTIONS

"between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99"

This cryptic message has been showing up at the tail end of everyone's emails using the Yahoo! Mail service today. I have no idea what it means, but it looks like a date format to me. Since normally there's an ad for some various Yahoo! service in that place, I'm guessing that has to do with the dates the ad is supposed to run.

Not satisfied with my own conclusion, I decided to search the trusty World Web WebberNets and The Goog. My search for the answer just served to illustrate to me the uselessness of the ironically named Yahoo! Answers website. Jeepers, the moronic posts that people put up there simply boggle the mind, and virtually none of them are a correct answer or even the slightest bit helpful. Oh, and if you don't have the answer DON'T POST NONSENSE TO WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME. This goes for people who say, "Yeah, I'm having the problem too" or "Maybe it's an error." Maybe? That's your answer? MAYBE?

Some people have said it's a social security number, but it's not the right format (000-00-0002: damn you, Roosevelt). Others have assumed it has something to do with tax day, but what exactly? All I know is those two answers above were the most intelligent I found. Maybe "0000-00-00" means "rock" and "9999-99-99" means "hard place", which is as good as any answer on this pointless site.

In other words, Yahoo! Answers should really be called "Yahoo! Wild Speculations With No Basis In Fact". (Don't even get me started about subjective questions posited on the site, like "Is A-Rod the best baseball player ever?" which has no definitive answer.) And there's always some smartass whose solution to the problem is "Stop sending emails". I want to virtually slap your dumb looking avatar's face, you cyberdouche.

Here's the real reason: it's an SQL bug caused by someone inputting the dates of the Yahoo! ad incorrectly. Which brings me back to my original conclusion. What a waste of time. Thanks, Internet!

Here are some other open burning questions on Yahoo! Answers, with my astute (and correct) answers:

Q. Help! I'm italian....?
A: That's your parents' fault.

Q. Would you like to help me plz : )?
A. No thanks.

Q. Why do you think Jesus Christ went back to Heaven rather than staying here on Earth?
A. He couldn't find any parking spaces.

Q. Whats the best metal Magazine?
A. Practical Welding Today is my favorite, though you can't go wrong with any of the ASM Technical Journals like Metallurgical and Material Transactions and Alloy Digest.

Q. Dry, Red Patches on Face?
A. No I don't have any, but thanks for asking.

Q. What are your?
A. Mine are.

Q. ???????????
A. !!!!!!!!!!!

Q. puck bunny?

A. Yes, please!